Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[sparkvark]

Happy B'day Sara. I hope your day has improved and that you did something nice for yourself.

[Guest_322]

Hi Corny,

Thank you as always 😊

Being my nosy self, I had a poke around one of your threads and noticed that Wednesday had commented that you're a very special person. Agreed!!!

You have a talent for getting people to talk; people usually can sense who they can/can't talk to...even if it's to an anonymous person online. And people can sense that corn fritters/corn cob/corn dog/corny/sweet corn/acorn gets it.

Thanks for being you.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi birthday girl, Sara;

He'll never forget you, ever.

Corny pretty much said it all.

Lonely in a crowded room, right? Yeah, that is a painful feeling.

There are more important things than money (says the one who is always complaining about her lack of it ha, ha). But joking aside, money is just a means to an end when it comes down to it.

I'm sure he will want to remember you as a person and as his mum (rather than remembering any hefty inheritance you could possibly leave for him).

Anyway, happy birthday once again! Super duper hugs from me!

Stay amazeballs and eat lots of cake! 🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Wishful,

Any time. I snuck some birthday cake out of Sara's virtual kitchen. Here's a piece for you 🍰

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Hey guys...

Looks like it's a girls night in me thinks. Who's up for doing our nails, hair, make-up and sitting on the floor telling risque' stories along with some quality vino? We'll get that birthday sponge out (fresh cream and caramel) and finish it off. Then get our shorty jammies on, bounce on the beds singing 'Sandra Dee' from the movie 'Grease'.

Dottie, Corny, Sparky and Wishful; thankyou for your well wishes. It's nice to be acknowledged by people I care about and who care for me...nice one girls...

Thanks also for the advice re my son and I. I'm listening and learning...

Mmm...I'm tired tonight. Had a big day. (Yawn..) Heating up the electric blanket as we speak. (Yawn..) Just got home from a night out with a friend. It was lovely...

(Yawn..) Sara xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

I'm glad you enjoyed your night out with your friend. Thank goodness for friends, right? 😊

Girls night sounds great ha, ha. I have my eye on that bottle of pastel blue/mint green nailpolish btw (it's kind of trending at the moment).

Hope your electric blanket kept you toasty and warm last night.

Stay amaze.

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Good morning D Girl...

I did have a good sleep, thanks to the warm cuddly bed covers. A good night hug would've been the ultimate.

I'm into more neutral colours of nail polish (how boring) It goes with my M16 and sunglasses lol (see profile pic)

Getting to know me...

Nothing can compare to, or replace a physical hug from someone you care about; a firm, long and heartfelt squeeze at a time it's needed most. Those who suffer with depression should seek out these amazing and comforting tools of healing; the power of touch.

My psychologist told me of the chemical reaction in our brains/body when this happens...I concur. It uplifts the soul and gives hope. She also said we can do this for ourselves by wrapping our arms around us, closing our eyes to feel our own warmth and self caring. I tried it when I was down and it kinda worked.

I've been texting with a friend this morning who seems to have gone off to cry or is feeling overwhelmed with sadness. The distance between us is vast, and I so would love to give him a huge cuddle, wipe away the tears and kiss his forehead. I guess what I'm getting at, is that touch works both ways. For me to be able to give physically like that is beyond compare. Probably because I know how beneficial it would be for me to receive the same affection.

My profile pic may depict a metaphor for strength and courage, but in the movie when she broke down crying, a well timed hug gave her permission to cleanse and release much needed pent up emotions.

Anxiety and depression can be soul destroying, we on this site know this too well. When I turned up on my mother's doorstep early one morning in tears, still wearing my bedclothes and asking for help, she tried to hug me with a sense of awkwardness that hurt me deeply. Even though her physical touch helped, the absence of emotion was 'felt' by me.

This reality can cut like a knife...

Love comes in many forms, so when I receive genuine physical affection, it's truly appreciated and welcome, especially at times I'm in need. When I end my posts with 'hugs', it's sent with compassion and truth...real caring.

I hope you can feel my love pouring out through the ether...

Warm and kind hugs...Sara xoxo

[Guest_322]

Aw Sara,

I thought that was a really heartfelt, sincere post. I have to admit it has made me a little teary (damn tear ducts and the feels ha, ha).

I do vaguely remember reading something similar to what your psych said about the benefits of hugs (can't remember where or when though). She's onto something there.

I think when you showed up on your mum's doorstep, in that moment (& perhaps in many other moments too), you needed your mum. The hug wasn't just about the physical closeness; it was about communication, connection, love and protection. And safety. That too.

Yes, we feel your love and care. It spills out in all your posts. I think people can sense the intensity of your love here.

Admittedly, while I'm fairly generous and affectionate with my virtual hugs, I'm a pretty crappy hugger in my offline, face-to-face world.

I mean, my family was never big on hugs (or showing much affection in general). So hugging people doesn't come naturally to me. I kind of had to observe the people around me, and almost had to learn how to give hugs (odd as that may sound because it's not exactly rocket science).

I've been known to give the awkward side hug and even a pat on the shoulder. But I try my best...

Anyways, beautiful post.

I, for one, appreciate the virtual hugs. Moreover, I appreciate the deep concern and love behind it.

You're amaze.

Dottie xxxxxxx

[Guest_322]

And there's nothing boring about neutral nail polish colours. You're just tasteful and classy whereas I'm aiming for the 5 year old aesthetic 😉

Dottie xxx

[sparkvark]

Sorry I had to skip out on the girls night. I identify as transmasculine in online spaces where it's safe to do so. The Sandra Dee song is great though 😉

I've also never been a hugger - there's one person that I enjoy hugs with, while all others feel forced and awkward. Like when a little kid is told that they have to hug a visiting relative to say hi/bye even though they don't even know the person... except as an adult. But hugs with that one person, I totally get what you mean Sara. There's nothing quite like it when the emotional connection is already there, both people genuinely want the physical contact, and you can share that feeling of warmth, caring and just being there with the other person in that moment.

Thank you for sharing of yourself.