First post...looking for some kindred spirits.

[Jaster]

Hi,

I'm a guy in his 50's with 2 beautiful children and a supporting wife of 30 years. Not bad for someone who's parents both married 3-times each.

Still to this day I find it hard to understand my depression. All the counselling, medication and exercise has helped up unto a point, sadly, like today...I just feel awful and hopeless.

I have no family or friends and this is for many reasons. My consciously disconnected from my family as it was too triggering. Too many memories and disappointments. 

Friends...well I pushed them away from embarrassment. 

Other than my long suffering wife who is an angel, I literally have no-one and this has been the case for many years now. I can flick a switch and literally be social and friendly. You would never know. Its just a facade and I wish I could find my true passion for living again. Thanks for indulging me. I hope you are well.

[indigo22]

Hi Jaster,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I have no doubt you will find many kindred spirits here, we are all at varying degrees of recovery from our mental health issues, so you are in good company.

I can relate to much of what you have talked about, I am in my 60s, my specialty is dysthymia and major depression and have had to distance myself from family also.

I am not sure why you would wonder about your depression, if your family is too triggering and the memories and disappointments are too difficult, I would be surprised if you weren't dealing with depression.

The part I don't quite understand, is what you meant by pushing friends away from embarrassment?

I think we all have learned how to pretend to some degree but some days, even that is too difficult. These days I have more good days than bad, and I have learned to accept the bad ones as part of the illness and not give myself a hard time about it like I used to. I just think, okay today is not one of my good days, maybe tomorrow will be better so for today, I will just go with the flow.

You mentioned that therapy, medication and exercise has only helped so much. Have you heard of somatic therapy? I only really learned about this in the past 18 months myself and am now seeing a therapist who uses a couple of these types of therapy. The main ones are EFT (tapping), EMDR and Somatic Experiencing. The idea of somatic work is that emotional energy and traumatic events can become trapped within the body and over time can also start causing physical issues as a result. Somatic therapy works on shifting the trapped energy to allow the body to repair itself. It may be worth doing a little research on this to see if you might benefit and perhaps chat about it with your current therapist.

I hope you are feeling a bit better today,

indigo

[Jaster]

Thanks Indigo for your kind words and suggestions for ongoing therapy.

Everyone’s journey and situation is different and complex as we know. 

Personally, I have been emotionally numb for as long as I can remember. I struggle to show emotions that I have suppressed, possibly as a coping mechanism?

I once lived with high energy, drive and wonder and lived an extraordinary life. That fell to pieces 18 years ago and I have never been the same since. 

I’m still here, just got back from the gym. It’s a new day. Thanks for listening my friend 🙏👍

[indigo22]

Hi Jaster,

We do use coping mechanisms to help us survive during times of crisis, the problem is that when the crisis is over, we often don't know how to come back to authentic person we were prior. I still struggle with this to some degree also, but have found the somatic work helpful in this regard.

Any time you want to talk, just reply to this post and I will get a notification.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo

[arka]

Hey Jaster,

while my situation is not identical to yours, I too have had struggles with pushing away family and friends due to recurring depressive states and episodes where I isolate myself off from the world and feel like I completely lose touch with everyone (including myself). I don’t let many people in, and I easily distance myself from those connections due to embarrassment and guilt.

This definitely won’t be a feeling that disappears overnight, and the awful habit of feeling a need to put that distance between yourself and those relationships, no matter how dear you hold those people to you, will feel like an impossible roadblock. For myself, it always feels like recovery’s just out of reach and that it’s my own broken self who’s holding me back. However, I’m doing the best I can. If nothing else, all that can be done is to appreciate the work you are putting in, and the direction you’re on the path to. All might feel hopeless, but after it all, you’re still here and fighting. I feel for you, Jaster, and I’m also proud of you. Do what you can and remember that if the world feels against you, there’s always going to be a stranger out there wishing you the best (:

[Jaster]

Hi Arka, sincere apologies for not responding sooner. I made plans to do so multiple times and then life gets in the way. 

Your kind thoughts, well wishes and sharing of your own situation and experiences mean the world to me.

The last few days have been hard. I have had little to no interaction with people outside the home and as often happens, I spiral into my own head and murky thoughts.

I feel so alone at times like these and it saddens me that we no longer have a family larger than it is.

They say you can’t choose your family but I would add…you CAN choose whether you want them in your life or not for your own wellbeing.

I made that decision. 

I know in 24-48 hours I will be back and the clouds will have gone. Godbless, and than you for connecting. I too am proud of you Arka x