Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

So he's read & re read my message several times & feels we need to discuss face to face.  Wants to catch up on Sunday. Here we go again.

[randomxx]

Well, in person is better , but he can still wait till Sunday, strange.

Anyway , hope it runs in whatever way you'd like it to.

[randomxx]

But then again , the time gap is probably a good idea, sounds like he needs to think about it and wants to get whatever he is thinking , right.

[CMF]

I told him if he thinks we might be on the same page & there's something to discuss ie boundaries & expectations,  then I can make time Sunday. If he already knows he wants to keep his options open then a text will do. If he wants options,  my reply is ready to go. Oh and of course he loves my honesty 😐

[CMF]

Clearly we're not on the same page or he wouldn't have had to read it several times. He does know though, that if If I walk, there will be NO comming back. Not ever.

[CMF]

I'm sure in his mind he wants to feel HE ended it 😄 

[randomxx]

Well l dunno cm

Your just casual now , so l suppose that would usually mean sooner or later one or the other will meet someone new even if they weren't looking or just decide they don't want to do this any more and move on. That could be you to just as much as it could be him but l'd suppose the idea of casual is you just go along use ea other no strings no demands until further notice, its not a relationship.

But no one can say if either one of you might just stumble over someone new or just wake up one day and had enough of this.

Just cos your not looking doesn't mean it won't happen matter of fact that's often when it would happen.

But isn;t that just casual anyway.

[CMF]

my idea of casual is we catch up now & then, no family stuff etc. We agreed we would nit see others if we're seeing each other. Our connection & the intimacy has been intense. Was never like that when we were together for 5 years.  He never complimented me or told me how hot or sexy I am like now.  The bike,  the talk about my bday gave me the impression he wanted to stick around.

Anyway I got my answer. He wants to keep his options open. I asked him to clarify that he is ok with coming here & sharing intense intimacy, telling me all the things he loves, how he can't wait to see me. He loves my cheeky smile, my eyes, my little body, longer hair etc. I asked if he was ok with being in bed eith me, telling ME these things to my face. Me. The person with whom he has a history & connection. Not someone he hardly knows...ME. I  asked I'd he was ok saying/doing all these things yet he still wanted to keep his options open? He said yes.  Well I gave it to him. I asked why the bike & bdsy talk? Why did he give the imoresshe wanted to stick around? I told him to get thr bike & to get @#$%^&. Told him he's out of my life.  He misled me with his affection, kissing me in public. If he wanted just the sex he should've kept the feelings out of it. Yes we were casual but I told him if he wants to see others he can't see me. I said from the start of he decides that we stop. He might not have seen others, I don't even know now but the fact he was open to it...he should have told me. Even as a casual I am only with that person. I don't look at others & would nit go out with others.  I made that clear from the very start. He knows me. Knows how loyal I am. I was very clear,  he was very affectionate but not transparent. 

It's done. I am free from his inconsistency,  his games, his using me to boost his ego. Done!

[CMF]

Told him he's confirmed what he is. A spoilt little boy who gets what he says he wants then wants something else. He told me when we broke up that he was happy with a casual weekend thing. Well that's what he had but it's not enough. I also mentioned at the start thst when he said that I wasnt sure he if he wanted it with me. He didnt say anything, just kept seeing me for 6 months.  Hrs the one who kept contacting me when i wanted no contact.  Him, not me. A very intense connection. I also asked if he was happy & wanted to keep doing this.  He said yes. We agreed it was fun & easy & we had a connection. He knew my thoughts & I was not open to meeting others if I'm seeing him. He kept hos mouth shut to get what he wanted. When I asked would he go out with someone else if they came along he daid he did know. Depends on the mood.  I told him if he did it would hurt me.  He knew all this from the start yet he continued, happy to see me. He was here for dinner last week. All over me like a rash. 1 week ago. All the talk, the compliments.  I did sense a change after that when he didn't make contact for a week cos it was too cold. Hesa jerk & I finally told him ,& freed myself.

[quirkywords]

CMF I don’t know what to say. I trust you are ok. How do you feel.?

Do you really feel free now.?

I admire you are sticking to your principles.