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Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

4,757 Replies 4,757

Guest_1584
Community Member

Hey cm , found you again.

How's the universe treating ya .

00

rx

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey rx,

Good to see ya 😊

Universe has been good to me. Last week I had a few things fall into place nicely.

M has been wonderful. A gem. I did feel dissapointsd this morning, lying in bed he checks his phone & sis has sent him a pic of herself fishing fishing with her bf. When I'm in bed with M I don't want to see or hear about her. Anyway, I was peeved bur remembered to leave it with the Universe to deal with.

How are you?

Guest_1584
Community Member

Hey cm , yeah same and well that sounds great mostly anyway hey , lucky theng you.

My end, not so rosy l'm afraid , more flips.

 

rx

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Nice weekend. Watched sis in her body building comp then my cousin in his band. I convinced myself that we'd be late to see the band, that M would need to do something for sis. Of course it was all made up in my head. Sis said it's her last comp. M said to me hopefully now she'll focus on other things. The micro bikini for the comp was disgusting lol. Her bf's sis,hubby & kids were there. I asked M if he wasn't embarrassed seeing his sis parDing on stage wearing that.  He said he was but itsjust a body. She did open her gown begore the comp to show M & I the sequenced bikini bottoms. It bearley covered her **** in the front. Her & bf seem to be going really well. He is so lovely & I think calms her down. I find her more tolerable with this guy. They seem very close & happy.

 

Guest_1584
Community Member

Hiya cm , found you again, got ya in favorites now l'll see how that woks ,

bUt there you go hey , you two are still at it then too hey , even with all your on off feelings right through, it just goes to show,.

know what you mean about the out fits, l've never found sporty women sexy at all they're just too desensitized and oblivious no matter what the outfit,

Amazing though with new man , sounds like it's working out , funny , it was hard to get a read on those two but again there ya go hey.

Everyone but mine, bloody hell.

 

rx

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

My last post hasn't shown up bur I wanted to add something.  He was telling  me about a you g teacher at work. She is attract, hard working, religious & M would love to match her up with his son but he finds her a little odd as she doesn't go out much bur rather hangs out with her brother. HELLLLOOOOO...can anyone see the irony? I just looked at him. I was lost for words. Did he not hear what he said? I kept my mouth shut, too tired after his snoring kept me awake half the night.

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

CMF, random  and everyone.

Good to find this thread again. 
i know someone who judges me a lot but complains that she is judged by others. Irony and nit seeing the truth in plain sight. 

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello dear Quirky,

So good to hear from you. Yes it's funny how people cannot see their own behaviour is the same as those they are judging. My previous post is lost but I mentioned that sis is in Bali with her bf & last night his phone kept going off with messages in their family group chat cos she was sending pics. I hoped with her gone we might get a break. Guess not.

Oh well. If it comes up again I'll say something.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Don't think I can do Friday night dinner at M's anymore. Not with sis there. I'm exhausted. Had a big week & dissapointing day. I had messaged M about my disappointment. Anyway got to M's only sis was there. She talked about buying a dress for a wedding her & bf have to go to. M came home kisses me & then sis started talking to him. All about her, bf, his dad's bday, her. We had dinner & chatted and laughed about their holiday. Main thing was about how she had to guide bf, tell him to use sunscreen. He got burnt, she had to direct him for everything. Had to tell us how he commented that she is so positive & happy all the time. All about her, her, her. They then chatted about stuff trying to include me. She sat at the table with us the whole time. No break at all. Typical. When I left she asked if I was ok. Told her I'm exhausted & M commented I hasd a big week. As he walked me out he finally asked about my text messsge/day. Teo hours of her then he finally asked about me. I started to tell him but it began to pour rain so I ran to the car & left. Friday nights I'm tired. I need to be able to download, relax, unwind. I'm allowed to want that. I don't want to hear her loud voice,  all about her, watching the 'married' couple. I don't want to talk about my stuff in front of her. Not her business.

Over it.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I think when I'm so tired I just won't go to his. His needs are always met Wether it be by me, or sis (company).  Mine are not. My needs are that she is not in our face. That I can go to my partner's house & have a conversation. He has all he wants whetever he turns. I don't. I need to stop putting myself in situations that don't suit me.