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Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

3,999 Replies 3,999

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I'm glad I suggested dinner at mine. His son can't make it which means it may have been just us & sis. I couldn't handle that. I wonder if he caught on why I didn't want to go there tonight?

Anyway, I'm glad it's not gonna be us and her.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

So dinner was nice. M is always in a happy mood. My older d was showing us some work she's been doing then I took out some old photos. As little miss is making her communion in a few weeks we looked at photos of my communion. I look just like little miss. Sadly M felt the need to take a photo & send to his sis. Seriously, why did she need to see it? Why did it have to involve her? Why are there 3 of us in this relationship? If she didn't live with him would he have done that? I doubt it cos they wouldn't be like a married couple. Does he share all my business with her? If she was at her bf's would he have done that? Clearly he was thinking of her to feel the need to involve her in our fun. Will she always be involved in our relationship? I've asked him, he said no. Can I believe that. 

I feel sick.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

We had a lovely weekend.  M is so wonderful with little miss. We dropped into his place before he took me home. Sis was home & the way they greeted each other was crazy. Sounds like they have seen each other a few days but it was like it had been months. They both commented they hadn't seen each other for a while & had to kiss. I only see M on werkends, he doesn't react like that eith me. Omg, how will they ever live apart? Bit of a worry 😟 

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
  • Just read an article on 'emotionally unavailable people'. I've always thought M was a little like this. He tells mehe loves me, shows me with material things, loves intimacy but isn't emotionally deep. I asked once why he loves me, he couldn't answer. The article said they distort their reality, tell you you're over reacting, brush off your feelings (my anxiety). Sounds a bit like M & his sis. They don't see how their living arrangement & behaviour has become weird. I think they're both emotionally unavailable for their partners cos of past hurts, but know they'll always be there for each other. They know they won't emotionally hurt each other but they don't see how their relationship is  crossing boundaries , especially with me. I'm going there for dinner tonight, hoping she's not around.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Me again. Nice dinner at M's, sis wasn't home yet. When she returned it was ok. She had many online shopping parcels to open. One was 2 prints for the house another drinking glasses. She's already bought a little bar stand for alcohol. She said 'I've bought more things for the house'. I wondered why? She said to me she's addicted to online shopping & I realised what M told me once. She has alot of money & likes to spend it NOW. So she buys stuff for the house cos she lives there NOW. She also bought clothes. It's all disposable to her. I then read something about when someone does things that constantly annoy you, don't react. Take a deep breath. Stay in your lane & hand it over to Source. Let it go & let the solution come to you. I'll try this next time. M doesn't care about what she buys & she wants things NOW. She told us all about what her & bf did that day then sat on the couch whilst we sat at the table. It was a bit annoying watching them complain about his boys like a married couple.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Me again 

M & his son had dinner at mine Friday as I wasn't feeling well & he stayed over Saturday.  We had our usual day out today & popped into his house for a bit. No one home. It was so nice to have a weekend that didn't involve seeing  sis. I realised how much I shut down when she's around on our weekends. So nice not to have her interrupting,  taking over, talking about herself. 

It was bliss.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I know I need to build a bridge & get over it but it's sickening. M was amazing this weekend. My little miss made her Communion & he stayed here,  helped me set up, brought his coffee machine here & did so much to help. We sat in a family pew in Church & everyone else sat at the back. His family arrived & went to the back to greet them.  I watched ad I knew what would happen & bingo, she jumped out of her seat to kiss him. Really? She hadn't seen him for 1 day, not 1 year. She always has to bring her special body building diet food when I have a function.  Don't know why she can't eat it beforehand.  Well today she forgot to grab it & had to eat a tin of tuna in front of everyone at the table. I had afternoon tea arranged as it was 3pm. No idea why she couldn't eat before she left. When M set up his coffee machine he commented how it fitted on well. He asked if it stayed could he live here. Told him if he lived here I'd allow it to stay (I hate stuff on the benches). I then said we could fix up my place & make room for his coffee machine.  He said he loves my area & would be great to live here. We've never really discussed that option  as I always assumed I may live at his down the track. I don't want to as it's 1/2 hers & she'd be in & out when ahead wants. No boundaries. If we lived here there would be boundaries. Something to think about. 

Kissy, kissy 💋 

Moonstruck
Community Member

Is this you CMF?  Is this a recent post?  I've been trying to find your most recent ones, so I could write to you, for ages and came across this somehow.  am I in the right place?     I can't believe Sis is still in the picture.  Its been so long since I wrote to you, and tried to navigate this new system which is so hard for me...I imagined she would have disappeared in a puff of smoke, or the 7 dwarfs had carried her off, or the Wicked Witch had given her an apple to munch on...or something.    anyway I hope we have made contact again and that you are OK.....How are you with this new Forum system?  Everyone is probably better than me...getting old, anyway you take care of yourself and enjoy life...love Moon S x

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Oh Moon 

Yes it's me.  I've missed you & yes, struggling a bit with the new forums. I'm finding it hard to feel connected as I can't easily find threads I was a part of. Anyway... yeah, sis still around. Joined to M at the hip, wanting to be his main woman.

M has been amazing & doing lots to help me with little miss & just being here when I need. My work colleague said next time I go there i should wear something that makes me feel good & walk in with confidence like i do at work, making it clear he's my man rather than shrinking away& letting her take over. She pointed out at work I'm involved in lots of things, I'm the connection between teams & asked why I'm not like that with her & him. She pointed out i am smart, well travelled am  mum, work full time, have accomplished so much & shouldn't allow her to make me fade into the background. 

Guess I should try it.

Love ya

Cmf x

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Dinner at M's Friday night. Lovely, just us & sis. She said she was waiting for me to come over to help 'them' put her new pictures up. She did it herself while I was there. I said nothing but M couldn't tell her enough how good they looked,  how great they were etc. She went up stairs to do a few things but listened & interjected while we chatted. She then sat on the couch while we sat at the table talking, listening, interrupting when little miss was talking. I made a comment about gym junkies at work. I saw his eyes go to her as she is one. When she was around us I saw him looking more at her than me when talking. I also realised that when he kisses me hello it's a kiss on lips and 'hello'. I remembered one time he slept at mine & we met his family at mass next morning. He kissed her with 'hello darling'. I don't think he can differentiate between the relationships anymore. I asked what he had planned for Father's Day as little miss has an early soccer match & it's our anniversary the day before but we we don't go anywhere on a Saturday.  He has to yell uo the stairs to sis that it will be our 4 year anniversary. Re love at first sight he said. She td us it means she's been living there 4 years also. I was tempted to say yeah...4 years & we're still in the same situation. Waiting for her to move on.