Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I'm ok Quirky,  Thank you.

I feel like years of hurt & frustration came out. The way  he didn't care I was hurting with the sis issues, the way I was never a priority.  The way he took me for granted & admitted it. He knew where I stood with this, he knew my feelings about it  & how it worked for us. Did he honestly think I would be ok if he just met someone else? I remember the strange loo he gave me when I mentioned a few things right at the start.  He never gave me the impression I had the wrong idea or a different idea to him. He never clarified it. He just kept going to get what he wanted while it suited him. It all came out today. I told him what I think of him. I didn't hold back.the built up hurt all came out today. Now I can heal.

[CMF]

Also,  he has a single friend who was keen to get him out there when we split. M told him no. That he did wanna be with anyone. I asked what he would do if his friend arranged to set him up on a date.  M said he woukd tell him no & would have to tell him he's got something going on with me. So it was VERY clear from the start.  Yes rx, it was casual, but we had our own rules. Now I agree that things can change as with ant relationship but a week ago he was here saying & doing all the lovey fovey things, telling me how amazing I am. Heard nothing week after but jumped at the opposite a late night call last Fridsy. So somewhere something"s changed but he's carried on as normal. Just like he would have when he returns os. He hadn't planned to end it thst day but said he would have within a few weeks. So i stand by how I feel. I'm glad I was brave enough to ask the question this time & prepared for the answer.  I'm glad I called him out on his behaviour ,& arrogance.  When we broke up he agreed that he does what he wants knowing I'll just he here waiting for him. Yes. I really feel free. Free from a manipulative, selfish arrogant man child. 

[randomxx]

Ah cm. l'm sorry it's gone this way but of course l know you wanted to sort it out to so.

Time time my friend, give yourself some of that stuff.

Big hug.

rx

[CMF]

Thanks rx 

I'm ok. I finally see & accept how selfish he is. That's what shocks me. He made it personal. Telling me he loved my smile etc etc.  Thr bike, keeping thay connection. He made the casual thing personal & very intimate. Calling me Honey, coming for dinner,  missing me and all the rest.  As I said, we have a long history & he knows what sort of person I am. He knows how he's hurt me in the past. He took advantage.  He thought he was gonna control this to suit only him. He knew how much it would affect me if he met someone but he still made it very personal. I was waiting for him to stuff up & he did. I pray that he takes the bike. What was he thinking? He didn't say it was to have it was to use not keep. I wonder what he was really like as a husband?

Anyway, I'm ok. I said I was waiting for him to put a foot wrong so I could tell him what I really think & he did.  I knew he would. I pick up on things,  his energy, how he is. I'm just I got in & ended it before I had to listen to his bs again. I've been holding all that on. I've finally released it. 

[CMF]

He stuffed up with the bday &,the bike. That's where I started to think he wanted to do this long term. Also he gave me a Xmas gift that was personal but for both of us ,& asked me to fo something for him cos it made him happy seeing as he was gonna be around alot. He was popping around all the time, which he never did & like I said...the compliments never ended, which he never did. I really felt this easy our thing. No family involved, comfortable,  couldn't get enough. He said he was happy. He even agreed to something about next summer.. I think back yo when we broke uo he agreed we def have a connection etc. He lent us the bike cos he didn't want me buying a kmsrt bike.  He said he would let me get roller shutters cos it wouldn't look good & he cares about me too much to let me do that.  If he really saw this as casual & keeping options open he shouldn't be talking like that. When we talked at the start he should have been clear not just listen to me & say nothing. Just as it always was. Hot & cold. Inconsistent. Just giving what me what he wants to get what he wants. See the pattern again. He does this then something switches & he wants something different.  He always jumps in full on. Luke 5 years ago. Telling me straight away he lived ne & would never take me for granted.  He didn't get to know me better first. Just jumped in. He's done it again now. Luckily I see when it changes. The lack of effort & communication but if he's gonna get something he all excited again.  He has som issues I think. He's always just done what he wants thinking I'll be here waiting. He admitted it. He thought now I'd just stay with him till HE was ready to go. No thanks.

I've grown alot I think.

[CMF]

I wanted him to take the bike last week as I wanted to consider calling it quits after picking uo on his changed behaviour.  It would have been netter if he'd said. Yes I wanna keep my.options open maybe we shouldn't see each other rather than agree thst he's ok doing & saying things to me while keeping his options open. He wanted both. That's where he went wrong. If we discussed face to face might have been different but I don't want him to tell me bd to my face & hear "I don't know,' when I ask questions. I'm not giving him my time for that.  He thought he'd look like a good guy. A man discussing face to face but there's nothing to discuss.  You're either in or out. Can't have both, which he wanted. 

[randomxx]

Well, l suppose casual or benefits l don't wanna use the real term makes me sick but at the same time , it is just a fill in really . Sooner or later over time one is gonna wanna go get a real life/relationship or just not feel right about it any more or whatever, so it usually has a pretty short future anyway l guess.

l reckon his bs words were sort of real but at the same time no depth and a lot of guilt talk in it to and being mr nice to. But at the end of the day in anything real still just come back to the way he felt after os deep down.

Maybe he thought it would grow again , maybe he wasn't sure if he was right the first time now. But over this new time since now he's come back and all this, as times gone on he's seeing he was right the first time back from os so it sounds like he's been gradually coming back to the same conclusion.

[randomxx]

Sorry to say but tbh, it all makes perfect sense to me from his side. Except the still being so nice stuff, like overboard compliments but on the other hand even that makes sense coming from m.

The bike thing l wouldn't even think much of it like your d needed a bike he had a spare one so what , she can use that. l'm amazed he didn't just give it to her properly , like you keep it's yours.

But eh to btw, nothin wrong with kmart bikes either ha ha , for us mere mortals, we're not all cyclists she's just a young girl needs a bike. We bought 2 kmart bikes once had them for yrs up nth they were fine. Probably still would but we moved back down to vic so sold them of.

Anyway

[CMF]

Hi rx appreciate your perspective & seeing it from a male side. I agree. The other word for what we had is disgusting & thays what it started to feel like. It was becoming more & more just about that.Yes causal is casual but we had an understanding.  He knew I would not be ok if he decided to see others . He told me if a friend tried to maych make him hedsay no cos we have a thing going. He continued to see me & give me all the nice talk that he knows would have meant something to me, espfrom him who wasnt like that before. He knows what a genuine,,loving person I am & how much he hurt me when we broke up. I'm not a hop in hop out of bed type person. Regardless of that,  I told him if he wants just a good time I am not the one. He confirmed what he wanted.  I then asked if he is ok with seeing me, doing what we do & saying things to my face & still wanting to keep his options open. This is right after telling him I can't be just a good time. He said yes. So he was fine wth still seeing me & having options.  He was ok with doing that to me knowing how I felt about it all. From the start he had no issue doing this knowing how I felt about him meeting some else. He should have been the one to say that we probably should do this cos he knew how he felt & he'd hurt me in the past. It's ok if he changed his mind but when was he gonna tell me? He still came round for dinner & up for a late night chat after blow6me off fir a week cos it was "too cold".

The bike...that was misleading & he knows it cos he knows me. Why would I want to kerp a bike of his after being used. It was to use not keep. When I asked him to collect it last week he just kept asking why so that tells me he wants to be around. Does he want mecto have a constant reminder of him? Does he wanna make himself feel good?he needs to be liked remember.  His patterns lately reminded me of our relationship.  Ignoring messages at times. Doing what he wantedcwith no consideration for me. He is so on and off. The main thing is thst after I told him I'm not the one for a hook up/good time he still said yes to being ok with doing that. HE should have said then that we probanly shouldn't continue. What was the face to face meeting for? To watch me crumble AGAIN. To make himself feel good?. To see me? To see pain on my face again fir hidiwn validation. He must have thought I was important enough to want to chat face to face but then happy to use me knowing where I stood?

No wonder sis is all over him. She probably knows he's useless when it cones to relationships.  After all, his wife cheated for 5 years & hexwas unaware.  Is he really thst unaware of other people & their feelings? I keep reading the messages & I know I'm right. When we broke up I told him I had typed several angry messages. He told me to send them to him. He said he wanted to see them & laugh cos he knows I would never mean that towatd him. How cocky is that? Completely invalidating my pain & making it a joke. Well this ti e I meant it. He would have kept using me if I continued to message him until someone else came along. No effort from him, all me. We also agreed effort needs to be mutual. 

I am just grateful I picked it up early & didn't ignore the red flags this time. He had no understanding of tge hurt he had caused & was going to cause again. He just wanted to kerp going cos it suited him.

There is no excuse or justification for that.  Especially not with ME. a good person.  The ",best person he knows'.

[CMF]

He's got an incredible person who cares about him & wants him with no comitment or pressure for more, a gorgeous girl who has all these things he loves. the looks, the body, longer hair  amazing sex (according to him), no one busting his chops, great attitude,  honest. What more does he want?