Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I messaged last night & he was gonna call later. I asked where he'd been all week. He said been too cold. Too cold for what? I didn't ask him to come over. Too cold to send a text like he used to? I told him I'd been unwell,  he seemed concerned or maybe just an act. I though about the things he used to do thst hurt me combined with the recent bs & how I really see him now. I asked for a rain check on the call. He said "sure Honey. Get well soon". If I decide I don't want to see him anymore I feel I need to cut him off completely. I'm the only one he treats like this. So I don't know what to do. It has been cold & miserable weather.  It's dark by 6pm. I haven't been well but I'm not a seasonal thing. Casual is fine but don't tell me it's too cold cos it's not too cold for him to do other things like cycling or dinner with friends. He doesn't deserve me but I need to he prepared to cut him off completely if I eanna go down that path. He doesn't get to cone crawling back again. I just want to feel better so I can feel stronger & think clearly. I told him from the start if he stuffs me around he'll lose me forever. If I do this I want him out of my life forever. Wish I didn't have that bloody bike.

[quirkywords]

I can’t understand why being cold would stop you keeping in touch. 
you are unwell and you have a lot to think about.

Take care and look after yourself and put you first. 

[CMF]

Exactly.  Just another bs excuse.  I think I'm done. I might ask him to take the bike & that's it. I'll buy little miss what I want to buy. None of his business where I buy it from.

He wants to be free & single and have me here when it suits him. Like the spoilt little boy that he is.  It what he always wanted. Something was missing, he didn't know what he wanted but now nothing's missing & he's happy with an empty relationship that means nothing. Jerk. He makes me sick & stopping good things coming into my life.

[CMF]

I've asked little miss' dad if he wants to go halves in a bike for her. That's the first step, to get her a bike. Then I can get M to take his one back & I'll go from there. 

[CMF]

Feeling bit better this morning.  Putting things into perspective.  There was something missing for both of us in the committed relationship.  It was the commitment from him but regardless it made me change also. We didn't want the same things in life. He wants to travel, I don't.  Yes, it was cold this week, maybe he just wanted to relax as he is on school holidays. Also I didn't contact him as I wasn't well. We were gonna call Friday night but I cancelled it. I might be making excuses for him as always but I'm trying to put it into perspective.  He can't catch uo today but showed disappointment.  I sent a message last night & no response so my mind is saying "he's gone out". It didn't need a response, was just a clip of something.  I find it hard not knowing what he's doing cos I feel I can't trust him. It's not his fault he has friends to catch up with & I don't. The trust thing is what's getting me & the fact he's so happy. He's got it all as always. Is that his fault? I could ask what he's been up to. We have an agreement & I have a right to know he's upholding husband end. I do think he is . He said at the start if his friend wanted to go out to bars he'd say no & tell him about us plus it's been "cold" but I just don't trust him. He's allowed to go out although he said I should know him & he doesn't.  I just find it hard when he can't catch up & I don't know why.  That's my problem I guess. He still needs to fix my blind. And the bike.  If he met someone what happens with that? To me the bike is telling me he's hanging around. I guess I need to decide if I want that.  He hasn't been asking when I'm free. I'm asking him & having to work around what suits him.

Aahhh decisions. 

[CMF]

I have found a bike I think might be nice for little miss & I've asked M to come & get his . I even told him if I'm not home he can just grab it.

Step one complete. 

[quirkywords]

CMF 

I like the way you show us your thought processes through your posts. 
you look at the past the present and future and see m for what he is and you can see the reality of your relationship.

i wish you luck with your decisions.

i feel there is a connection there that may make a decision so difficult. 
i maybe wrong I am just at observers  in the outskirts of your life. 
CMF you  are strong and are making yourself important into your life,

well done. 

[CMF]

Dear Quirky, 

It is so hard. I have typed & retyped so many messages explaining wht I can't see him anymore but I cannot send them. I bought a bike for little miss, she loves it. I asked M to get his but he just asks why. I had a card reading. She said he doesn't want to lose me & he'll be shocked if I end things. She said I should just pull back a bit & match his energy which I am. This morning I got a text. I'm confused. He gave us the bike which tells me he wants to stick around but then he's elusive with things or makes no contact cos it's cold. He wants me but I do want someone who wants to do more than just be intimate. It doesn't have to be a full on relationship but we've known each other a long time & I can't deal with the inconsistency.  I do have trust issues. I fear he will turn around again & say ' hey, this is not for me now'. Then again, we are enjoying each other more than before. However as we've known each other so long I deserve more than he gives, even if we are casual. If he has other plans I deserve ti know what they are especially as we are very intimate & I need to feel I can trust him. I'm so confused.

[randomxx]

Yaknow, in a way it's often to weird ready your situation , feelings and everything going on. Bc l couldn't be more different from m or us more from you guys but yet the results kind of the same from your point of view in your thing.

l heard almost the same stuff from her and she'd gotten to pretty well the same point about us that you are now. lt was just over different things but still needing some sort of commitment that part was basically the same. She calls it her MH and health and talks about her mother but really, between the lines and other stuff and things she's said, really it all kind adds up to everything your saying.

[CMF]

Hi rx

I don't want comitment but I do wanna know if he's still hoping to be swept off his feet or open to meeting someone else if they crossed paths. I should just ask him. Ask if he wants to continue long-term or does he think he'd like to meet someone for a relationship etc. He'll say 'I don't know'. He wants to travel down rhe track. Does he want someone to travel with or travel alone & be free to meet people. I'm not gonna sit around if he does that.  I just feel conversations go nowhere with him. It always ' I don't kniw'. Anyway, I'll see if he makes contact this week or asks if I'm free on the weekend instead of sitting back waiting for me to ask.