Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[randomxx]

Ah right so through this time and the 5yrs to.

Gf and l were all about that to during our first few yrs we'd always call it all life. We planned and talked about where we'd live and what to do with my places everything. Now she thinks she'd all doomed to be her mother and live in misery for ever.

That is weird though then yeah, that he says always, as in recent and present tense, as in after returning from os, as in everything.

And now he's the way he's been since, but he's still only on about 5% throttle with it and of he goes till next wk.

So very strange that he uses words like that in the now.

l dunno , you two need to have a bloody real and honest talk about things.

[CMF]

I do feel like asking why & what he wants but it'll be too hard for him & scare him off. I don't think I could do the full on relationship thing with him again. Not after what I've seen & see now.  I see more how he is now so there's not much to talk about. He wants something casual.  I told this is OK but only if it's exclusive which he agrees. He said he would sleep with me & someone else or others.  If we give each other that no need to look elsewhere.  That's all he wants.  He doesn't feel he can be in a relationship.  Don't know if he ever will.  Funny thing, he caught up with a friend os also travelling. Really nice guy. Never married, free spirit but has the occasional gf here & there.  This guy mentioned at his 50th that the highlight was M & I being together.  He was so happy for us. Anyway,  I feel M wants to be like him. Carefree, do what he wants but have a companion.  I don't mind having this with M but the hurt from the breakup creeps in. That's the problem. 

[CMF]

He used to say that he loved how I keep it real. Well I ain't gonna stop. If he wants to tell me bs I'm gonna call him out.

After all, he loves me keeping it real. Right? Im sure he wont be able yo handle it, just like our relationship.  The real stuff is too much. Let's just live in a fantasy world ☺️

[randomxx]

Ah right , so there's still all that then hovering around other stuff he says to. That is how it really seems to be in his mind just this casual thing so l was really suspired he seemed to be talking the other way to then, but unfortunately as usual, he;s still full of it.

aNYWAy , l mean there's nothn wrong with him wanting to be single or casual l suppose anyway as long as he's square about it with you but it's just all his mixed messages and bs.

But eh l can't talk gf's been similar she's even suggested casual to a few times.

But she's just as confusing when she gets like that bc on the other hand she still makes all these plans and still expect me to act like a real partner.

But to me if we were just casual then l don't have to do all the bf stuff to . At anyrate  said nah l didn;t want casual but maybe l should've just gone with that l know she'd turn back to full on if we were.

l just thought though nah, l want a proper and real thing now so if we just rolled along on some casual bs then that's just gonna hold me back from starting a new buttt, maybe l should've just gone with it, ldk.

[CMF]

You're right. Single & casual is fine but then saying he always couldn't wait to see me etc when I question how he was or wasn't in a relationship...well it all contradicts. Giving little miss a bike to use? My card reader said he still feels connected so the bike thing feel normal to him. I wonder, did putting sis before me feel normal? Did not waiting to see me during the week feel normal? He likes seeing me during the week now. Whatever.

[quirkywords]

So many questions but what are the answers. 

[CMF]

Don't think I care. I've hardly heard from him this week. Maybe the novelty worn off? Maybe he didn't like me calling him out last Saturday. He doesn't like that. Anyway. I've been unwell this week so couldn't care less. I have no energy for him & his crap.

[randomxx]

Sorry to hear that hope your on the mend soon.

[CMF]

Thanks rx,

It reminds me of a time when I was unwell on a weekend & M laughed & said "I'm staying away, I don't want to get sick". I told him I understood but as I was on my own what he should have been doing is asking if I needed anything. After that he always asked but I always felt it was out of obligation or he was just doing it cos I told him. Alot of stuff was cos I told him, otherwise he wouldn't have even noticed. So I guess there was alot missing for me too but he tried to fix it cos I told him. He NEVER talked to me about anything missing. 

So no word from him this week. He's on school holidays & doing some work for his mate but also out for lunches etc. Just living a great life I guess. 

[quirkywords]

CMF 

hope you are feeling better.

it sounds like. Is giving mixed messages. Take care