Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

WOW and WOW, thanks Mark and Jay. I feel a connection with you both as my son's name is Mark and he plays ball. Over the years I've been made to feel like I'm not as good as other mums who work or have their own businesses. I've been put down, told I look like a failure, that people think I'm dumb as worked in retail etc. I don't care what others think, I'm responsible for my happpiness, not here impress others with fake appearances, but unfortunately hurtful comments stick.

my goodness, I don't think anyone has ever spoken so highly of the fact I'm a single mum of three and acknowledged just what it takes. Wow, thank you.both. I just do what I have to do I don't see it as any big deal, but I guess it is. I see mums who have husbands and parents to help, I have none of that. It's just me. My Older kids see their dad every fortnight but he does nothing as far as getting involved with school meetings or issues, or taking them to sports training on weeknights etc. he thinks it just magically happens. He doesn't get that you need to be involved as a parent...but that's another story. If I think about it too much I'll get too worked up. My little ones dad (another long story on another thread) Also has NFI. He is verbally abusive, had one of his little hissy fits Xmas day and haven't seen or heard from him since. HE thinks he can just walk into our lives when it's convenient to him. He thinks having Kids is a game that you play when you feel like it. Totally irresponsible. So I guess having to deal with 2 ignorant idiots who think things just happen on their own it's no wonder I feel overwhelmed at times. They both have no clue at all.

I don't think many people know I'm a single mum. Many think or assume my littles one's dad is in the picture to some degree. I don't talk about my personal business with people but if anyone asks now I won't cover for him anymore, I'll tell people how it is and what he is like.

im getting off he topic, sorry, I have another thread for that stuff.

i have considered changing my name in here, and I agree it could subconsciously hold me back. I was thinking "baby steps", but I hesitate for some reason. Maybe I'm afraid of the prospect of moving forward and moving on with life? Maybe I'm afraid of feeling like Ive failed if I can't get past things like now. I will consider it though as I too try to be positive, I pray, I'm grateful for all I have.

cmf xxx

[BballJ]

Hi Can't move forward,

It is a big deal being a single parent, and one you should be proud of. I know what you mean when you say hurtful comments stick, they really do but that's up to no one to say those things and they have no right when they don't know you. I know many people who work in retail and live a happy successful life. Your race is against no one and you will achieve the things you want in your own time, that's the beauty of life, it's all in your time.

I am a big advocate for single parents and unfortunatly being a parent isn't as easy for some people as it is for others and in reality they don't know how to cope with being a parent and they think the occasional hello is enough. Kids learn quickly about those parents who are barley there and that's what I mean when I say your kids will grow up knowing how great of a mother you are and that's what counts, other opinions do not matter.

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

I may have come across a but harsh in my previous post re Dads having little or no involvement but i totally agree it doesn't come easy to some and they don't fully understand what's involved. It extremely frustrating when the little one's dad does decide to show up that he acts like he knows it all and actually tells me i do things wrong. He has 1 child he hardly sees and i have 3 - 2 are teenagers. Oh well.

Mark JT - well i did change my name here to "baby steps". I like it i just don't like that the abbreviation is now going to be BS lol.

Baby Steps

[MarkJT]

Baby Steps, love love love the name. To me that represents that you have made a decision. A decision to move forward and by taking baby steps you are going to build yourself a nice solid base.

No tall building can be built without a strong base, it would fall over. The same applies for us, build that base using baby steps. Once your base is built, then we move into toddler steps, the kid steps, the a quick walk and before you know it, you are running again.

Such positivity from your post.

Brilliant!

Mark

[CMF]

Thanks Mark,

Had a big day today. My son goes to a catholic high school, takes him about an hour to get there and has always hated it. It is too regimented for him and he is not working to the best of his ability but rather just treading water. He has many friends there but is still not happy. Today we looked at a public school and it is very likely i will move him. He can start in the next week. it has added to my anxiety as his father does not approve of the move yet he does not get involved or attend information nights, parent/teacher interviews etc. My son gets no support whatsoever from him and i cannot attend these things with 3 kids to look after, it's just too much. to add to this the cost is crazy and i see no benefit. I messaged his dad today and told him we looked at the school and i would like to move him and has not responded at all but he has spoken to my daughter on the phone so clearly he does not care and i told him so. He also refused to top up my son's myki last week, instead told him to get a part time job and do it himself - $40 a week- it's ridiculous, he has lost the plot. Of course i then had to top it up.Basically, he does not help or get involved in his education, he won't help pay for the transport, has no idea what he does at school but wants to continue sending him there as he thinks it is the best school for him and he has to go there. The last 3 years i have been forced to pay half the fees when i don't even want him to go there.

I can see that he will not contribute to the new school costs on the basis that he does not approve. It will be a big cost for me initially but over the next few years it shouldn't be so bad. i know his tactics, he is not responding and thinks i will be expecting him to pay half and will refuse claiming he didn't approve. He is trying to set me up i think but i am a step ahead as i know what he is like.i thought he would at least respond in some way, not one word as yet. If my son changes schools and fails he will blame me but if he stays at the current school and fails he will take no responsibility for his choice to leave him there but will blame my son. He is very unfair, more worried about looking like a big shot with kids at private schools, thinks throwing the $ at the school is all you need to do, but it isn't, they need our support too.I'm waiting for a fight from him. He is too busy playing dad to his new GF's son interstate than his own. It's really sad. My son has no father figure.

[CMF]

I've noticed if i am busy in the days leading up to my daughter going to kinder i enjoy the break and the quiet but if don't have much to do leading up i feel a bit lost and then guilty for not doing anything as the quiet period just extends. Although today was stressful i have felt productive. i have alot to catch up on re housework but my mind is working a little better.

BS

[CMF]

Feeling quite anxious this morning. I read a thread yesterday that triggered my anxiety so my mind is racing...about everything. Doubting everything, feeling threatened, not safe, want to run away.

I know anxiety is worse upon waking up, i hope this will pass. I try to remember how i feel when i feel ok. How i don't feel the anxiety but instead have the confidence to deal with what comes my way.

I think I'm back to 'can't move forward'.

BS

[BballJ]

Hi Baby_Steps,

Love the new name, you are moving forward.

Sorry I haven't replied recently, haven't been on the forums for a couple of days.

Very tough how his father does that to his child, I will never, ever understand it, you do what is best for your child. You are doing so much and I feel sorry that is has to be this way, for yourself and your kids. If you son is happy with the move then that's what counts in the end.

Have you ever considered writing down how you feel when you feel good? So when those anxious mornings come, you can refer to it?

My best,

Jay

[MarkJT]

baby_Steps, now I do not mean to sounds harsh here at all but after reading your post about your son moving schools, if you think you are not moving forward, well dispel of that thought very quickly. You are getting about zero assistance from his father, yet you are still catering for your sons needs and looking to do something that is best for him. That by its sheer definition is moving forward. You may not feel like it, but i can assure you it is.

When you wake up, how about you dive straight into a breathing exercise to get the day off to a start where you are in control of yourself. Perhaps you could even do a small amount of physical exercise. With three kids you are not going to have much time but a set of push ups and sit ups would be beneficial. Put some nice music on at the same time.

Before you start reading posts in the forums, it would be a good idea to also do some breathing exercises. The forums are triggering as you are reading stories about what is happening to you so to best prepare yourself for that, make sure you are comfortable, have a cuppa with you and slow, deep breath. Set yourself up.

You are doing really well. Keep it going.

Mark.

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

No apology needed for not replying sooner. You are doing so much already and you have your own things to deal with. Great idea about writing down the good feelings. We always talk about writing down the bad.

Mark, not harsh at all and thank you again for your insight.. I've downloaded the Smiling Mind app so will see how that goes.

I am really jittery and unsettled but then have bouts of feeling good then a cloud comes over me and i am anxious again. Why is it that we can focus so much on negative feelings and not on positive? why does the negative have the power to take over?

Sometimes i can 'trick' my mind into being positive. For example,when i am overcome with anxiety about mortgage and bills i tell myself i always have the option of selling the house. I then go about doing odd jobs to to make it look spic and span, in preparation. i have re siliconed the bathroom, cleaned the grout, pained outside and in just to name a few. It's a double bonus as i tell myself that i am making it look good to sell but at the same time it looks good for us to live in which makes me feel a little better.

I can't wait till it's hard waste collection time. I can get rid of so much rubbish cluttering my life and my mind.

I dropped off the last of the paperwork to my son's new school today and bought his school uniform. His subjects should be confirmed today so i can get his books tomorrow and organise his laptop. I think once everything is finalised and he is settled i may start to feel better. My kids have been back at school for 4 weeks and the whole time i have been running around for school things ie my daughter did not receive all the books we ordered and now my son changing schools. No wonder i feel unsettled as i am still trying to think about what i want to do. My local coffee shop is changing owners today which is sad so that is unsettling too. too many changes all at once. I need to start looking and enrolling my little at school too which means i have to get in touch with her dad, I'm nervous, will he be abusive, cold, nasty (my other thread is Tired, worn out, sick of being expected to do everything.) He intimidates me so much, he gives me anxiety.

I have identified i have a fear of doing the wrong thing, getting in trouble and letting people down. I always feel responsible for everything. I'm so jittery today, my heart is racing.I pray to God my son is happy with the move or i will feel i have failed him.