Feeling down due to fatigue & undiagnosed health issues

[Elizabeth CP]

I haven't been using the forums much apart from a couple of responses to others posts. I stopped as I was too busy & trying to keep up with the forums was becoming too stressful. In September My husband went to Europe which was great although tiring due to the pace of the tour we did. Unfortunately a few days before returning home I fell heavily on concrete steps hurting my right side. I continued on relying on icepacks to manage the pain. I couldn't sleep because of the pain when lying down. The last day I came down with a bad cold which developed into a chest infection later on. The pain eased after 6 weeks & I recovered from the chest infection but have ongoing problems with fatigue & abdominal discomfort. My GP arranged pathology tests. The blood tests are normal but urine isn't. Today I was sent for a ultrasound of kidneys & bladder. Next week I have a gastroscopy & colonoscopy. My stress levels seem to be escalating out of proportion each time I see the GP & get sent for more tests. Prior to my accident my mental health issues were settling down but the last week it is much worse. I have lost my temper a few times in the last week without much provocation. This is not normal for me. I have been on a diet for several months but I am now finding it really hard to stick to it I just want to go & eat food I know will make me feel worse. The diet is a healthy one which I normally find easy to stick to because the food is satisfying.

I just want to get back on track & feel in control of my life & not feel so stressed & down. I also feel guilty for feeling this way because There is no confirmation of a serious illness.

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeth~

Well, it sounds as if you are having difficulties but coping. You are brave and determined, frankly I would have chickened out of Iceland.

If you have found any sort of exercise that helps that's great! Let them stare and oggle.

I find with boots my best recourse is tall leather boots, not too hard to slip on or off. No laces or Velcro, and I can grip them around their tops and just wiggle my feet in. Helps a lot at airports during security if they ask you to take your shoes off. All I need is a chair.

How is your husband holding up? Do you have much longer there?

Croix

[Guest_5218]

Dear Elizabeth,

I have only just found your current thread, since the others you used to use a year ago are not longer used.

I will keep this brief for now as I have not fully read right through this thread. But I think you're incredibly brave doing this trip you've undertaken. Far more than I'd ever be. And I know dreadfully painful and debilitating back injuries are. As well as the difficulties they present in doing anything at all. Agree about the NSAIDs as well, I cant stay on them for long, as they upset my stomach really badly. So when I do need to go on strong pain killers and/or OTC relief, it is for the shortest period I can endure.

I wouldnt worry too much about looking weird doing those special exercises of yours. People do weird exercises all around the world. And as you say, you will be back on the road the following day anyway.

It sounds as though you are getting some small positives from your trip, despite all the difficulties experienced. And as for you feeling as though you have ruined your husbands trip? Nonsence - knowing you, you have made it a wonderful experience for him. Definitely to your own detriment! Once you're home again, I look forward to hearing more about all the good aspects of your holiday. And yeah, although the trip didnt work out as well as you'd have hoped due to circumstances beyond your control, you would have regretted not going. I admire your commitment and determination no end. (-:

Sherie xx

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Croix & sherie for your replies. I arrived home today. Picked up by daughter then left to babysit for an hour. The kids were fine so that was OK. Then she suggested loading up cars & trailer to move a load of stuff over to her new house (The landlord is selling their current house & they couldn't find anything to buy in the time frame to suit their budget) so we could see her new house. She also gave me a treatment for my back & instructions about not lifting anything & further suggestions for exercises. I tried to be good & leave the heavy lifting to my daughter & my husband but I find that very difficult.

Currently exhausted with tons of paperwork to do including travel insurance claim for damage to hire car in Iceland. Nothing major. Just damage from hitting a bad pothole on a very bad road!!!!

Croix Your idea with the boots would work except I have terrible feet with difficulties finding shoes to fit. I needed to wear hiking boots with laces & orthotics to give myself the best chance of coping with walking with my bad back. In Ireland I tried wearing sandles some days as they are comfortable & easier to put on. (They are ones suited to walking rather than flimsy ones for show but I noticed my back was worse plus Iceland you really need good waterproof supportive boots. I get really jealous seeing people in nice shoes when I'm stuck with hiking boots or really boring practical ugly 'dress' shoes.

It will take me a while to get the courage to travel again after this trip. I have always preferred adventurous trips & really struggle with the idea of being restricted. Most people who know me think I'm stupid or crazy rather than courageous & they are probably right. I remember turning up at school soaked to the skin after falling into the creek while taking a short cut. Later as a young adult I ended up with various injuries, frost bite concussion from not being as sensible or careful as I should be. Now I feel like life is passing me by. I need too go as I am too tired

[Guest_1055]

Hi Elizabeth, well you did it, you went to Iceland!!

I am feeling tired too now, but wanted to say Elizabeth your life to me seems that one big adventure. I have quite a bit about it stored in my brain here, from going walking in the cold and feeling invigorated on a ship, using some kind of toilet that gives a good view of ranges or mountains. Walking up lots and lots of steps. Helping your hubby get around because he is blind. Playing with your grandchildren and watching them pretend to fix things with toy tools. Working as a teacher then an OT. Now visiting Iceland with a sore back. Doing strange looking exercises whilst trying hard not to care what people think.

And I know there is more, anyway it is incredible. You seem to live your life to the fullest the best you can. And I love that about you.

okay bedtime for me. You are incredible dear Elizabeth, and I am thankful that you have shared some of yourself and glimpses into your world. I have seen these glimpses for about 1 1/2 years. Wow that long???

in admiration of you

shell xx

[Elizabeth CP]

Sorry Shell, I don't feel very adventurous at the moment. Tiredness & jetlag are making everything feel worse. I know I've just returned from holiday & should be grateful for what I've been able to do & see. Instead I feel guilty sore & down. I arrived home to a ton of mail all of which needed sorting weeks ago. Sitting down hurts so it is hard to sort & taking longer than it should. My husband would ask what I was doing (He can't see ) & I would feel like a failure or guilty for not being more efficient. Little things seem to be really overwhelming me.I used to be organised & able to manage but I feel I've lost that.

I feel as if all the work I've done exercising over the last year has been wasted & I'm back at the start . My daughter has given me more exercises some of which I find difficult as I'm scared of doing them wrong & making things worse. I'm not supposed to lift & need to be really careful bending down. This means my plans to fix the house & garden are once again on hold. It will be too late to do the garden by the time I recover & my oven doesn't work but there is no point in buying a new one until I fix where I want it. I know normal people would pay someone to do this but that would leave me feeling totally useless. I know that seems silly but I really struggle if I can't do things for myself. I feel guilty not doing things & i feel really bad not being able to help my daughter move this weekend. I sound like a real winger. Why can't I just be grateful for what I have.

[Guest_1055]

Hi Elizabeth, I am not sure why you cannot be grateful. Writing a list has helped me in the past with this. I might even start off with the basic things like ... Thankyou for clean running water, Thankyou for my pillow etc. Then I keep going until I cannot think of anything else. I may end up with pages and pages. Something changes within. I am not sure but you start to feel more positive or something.

I think this feeling of useless and feeling guilty when you are unable to do things is connected to that time when you were a little girl and you were in shock and unable to retrieve or help get items from your home when there was a fire. It just sort of fits somehow. What do you think? Maybe you need to forgive that little girl. It is only my thoughts Elizabeth. And yeah it doesn't seem silly.

Did you hubby enjoy the holiday ? Anyway I hope the jet lag eases soon.

Shell x

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Shell, You are right. I should be grateful for all the things I have & have done. Unfortunately I just don't have the emotional or physical energy to do it. Knowing I should just makes me feel even more guilty & such a terrible worthless person.

The issues re feeling guilty & useless are related to my childhood I think. Not just the fire but also the bullying. My parents always worked hard to deal with whatever happened so I learnt this was an important trait. I wanted to help them but never seemed to have the skills I needed. It didn't matter that they never complained or criticized I wanted to help & felt inadequate.

Sorry I'm being so negative

[Guest_1055]

It's okay Elizabeth you will get there.

Shell xx

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeth~

I'm with Shell, I admire you. You do fill your life, and have mountains you deal with and overcome. A blind husband to help though life (did he enjoy the trip?), a back problem which makes any endeavor hard and some downright impossible, an adventurous spirit that seems to want to cram experiences into every minute and ... , well you get the idea.

With doing all that you have a constant mental list of what you perceive as 'shortcomings' . Tell me do you apply the same unforgiving standards to everyone else?

I think if my partner accomplished as much as you and I started criticizing, saying the same things to her as you think about yourself then I would be out on my ear:)

With your oven, is it an all-or-nothing situation? Putting it somewhere then fixing it, or can you get a quote on the fix and go ahead anyway if not too much? At least you would have an oven that way and maybe feel less pressure to fix where you want it in a hurry.

I know what you mean about the danger of exercises and have pushed too hard sometimes and had problems, so I get frightened and often probably don't do as much as I might.

Do you have a recliner to sit in? I've an old one, many times repaired, that just suits, I'm lucky. Tried to replace it with a new one, that did not work, wife and cat have it now:)

I'm glad you are home safe, even if sore.

Croix

[Elizabeth CP]

I am less judgemental of others because I assume they're doing their best & I can't know what they are going through. Whereas I know how much I SHOULD be doing and aren't. Unfortunately I can't divorce that rotten internal critic!!!

When the oven started playing up I was pleased as it gave me a good excuse to rip it out & the brick surround which I hate. I asked my sons if they would help demolish the walls They enjoy an excuse to use a sledge hammer!!! Once everything was gone I planned to buy a flatpack unit to fit the space & a new oven & once installed repaint the kitchen & if possible replace ugly tiles etc. Now I can't do my part.

Today my daughter was moving house with her husband & 3 young kids. My husband wanted to help so I drove him there 1 1/2 hrs each way which is not good for my back. I knew I would struggle as I can't stand watching others work & not help I just feel so guilty & useless. Tiredness & pain is also making me much less tolerant & overreactive. I got annoyed with my husband giving advice & instructions which led to me getting really annoyed & reacting in a way which I knew was likely to injure me further. I carried out heavy boxes to fill my car refusing to let anyone help. I ended up in tears . I told my daughter I didn't care if I injured myself as it didn't matter. I felt bad making her worry. In the end I drove my car with my daughter to unload it & then drove home leaving my husband behind to help lift the heavy stuff. Someone can drop him at the station to come home. If I stayed longer I would end up really injuring myself. I am still feeling really upset about the whole thing.

I have always been stubborn & inpatient. I hate being restricted by sickness or injury. Maybe I'm still trying to prove to myself that I am OK & not the complete loser that the bullies implied I was. I also always admired my dad & wanted to be as good as him. I know I can't do things to his high standard which means I feel like a failure. Sorry I just feel tired & negative . I just can't seem to help myself