Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Saree_p]

Lilly,

your need to push others away is a self-protective factor, it is easier to push others away than allow them the opportunity to reject you and cause hurt to you. The issue with this is that you end up in just as bad space. I understand how hard it is to trust people, the depth of pain from the past, how worthless and useless you feel, the stories you tell yourself to explain it.

However, in the last several weeks, despite still not fully trusting, but allowing people in has helped a lot more than I thought possible. However it has still lead to me being hurt, my housemate is a good example.

Lilly, only you can let people help you, but Jojo and I will be there holding your hand the whole way. I wish I could pass on some of the relief, I know it is nowhere near over, and atm things will get worse again before they get better.

Lilly, do you think you could try to chat online with BB? I know how hard this will be, but simply just saying how you feel right now may help?

Thoughts are with you Lilly,

Lots of Love,

Saree

[White_Rose]

Hello Lilly

I agree with Saree's words. Only you can let others in. You have already done this to some extent on this thread and you answer on other threads. Talking online with BB is no different but could help a lot.

There is no question about you failing Saree and Jojo. They have chosen to stay with you and I think the only way to hurt their feelings is to stop posting. There's no need to apologise for not helping someone else or perhaps pushing them away. You posted here to get help and it is being offered to you. There are no expectations that you can support anyone else. Perhaps when you feel better you may be able to do this.

You made a good point saying you don't recognise the person you have become. That shows you are seeing yourself in a different light and it's good. You have taken another step. It's small steps like this that will help. I don't think you have done anything to anyone on the forum. Saree and Jojo would stop posting if you were as bad as you say.

Instead of telling us how bad you feel can you tell us about one occasion when something good happened? There are parts of all of us we want to hide and forget. We are all imperfect beings. You don't have the monopoly on that. Instead of thinking about these bad times, please concentrate on a time when something good happened. What about the birth of your children? A birthday party when you were young or perhaps a birthday party for one of your children. A holiday you enjoyed or just something funny that happened once.

When you start thinking about happy events the feel good hormones kick in and you become a bit lighter. I hate it when someone tries to jolly me along at times but there is a lot of evidence to show this can be good for us. Would you describe something good in your next post please. It would be great for all of us.

Mary

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of you are just being real about how you are feeling. You can try and push me away Lilly, but I am here for the long haul. I’m not going anywhere.

I think Saree’s idea of chatting online with BB is a good one - do you think you could give that a go? It might really help.

If not please keep busy and try and distract yourself from the negative thoughts you are having by colouring in or doing puzzles or word games - anything that breaks your thought cycle.

Sorry you are not able to walk Jack any more, but could you go for a walk just to get outdoors and get some fresh air? It often lifts my mood and could lift yours too.

Please don’t give up on yourself or give up on life. There is always hope for you Lilly even if you don’t believe it. I can hope and believe for you for now. Hopefully one day you will believe it yourself.

You haven’t hurt Saree or myself which shows what a caring and considerate person you are to even be thinking that.

You are in my thoughts & prayers. Please stay safe. With lots of hugs xox

Your forever friend Jojo 🌻

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo, saree, Mary.

I sent through a post earlier saying I wouldn’t be posting for awhile . Because I am pushing you away . I don’t won’t to hurt anyone by doing this but I am not in a good place right now . My mood never alters ever. It’s a struggle not to act on my thoughts .

I contacted a chat line a few months before going into hospital . I can’t say which one. I had a welfare check at 2 in the morning with police banging on my door . I convinced the police I was ok. Even though I wasn’t .

I will hurt everyone if I post or don’t post . If you stick around Jojo I am going to hurt both you and saree.

Mary I can’t think of anything at the moment to post of a happy time without thinking of a negative thrown in . Sorry my mind is racing and I just can’t at the moment .

Sorry for the hurt I am causing .

Your friend Lilly 🌺

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

No one is sick of your posts and you are definitely not ranting. Please come back and let us know how you are when you are ready. We would be devastated if we never hear from you again.

You are a true friend just as you are and I am going to miss talking to you. However, I respect your need to have a break.

Please promise me you will stay safe and look after yourself xox

With loving thoughts your forever friend Jojo 🌻

[Saree_p]

Lilly,

I can promise you, you are causing no hurt. Mary, Jojo and I all care for you. We all get where you are coming from.

Could you try again? And try to be honest? I believe in you, I really do,

Saree.

P.S. there is an email service I know of, someone you could talk to, would that help? It didn't me, but might u

[Lilly99]

Dear saree ,

I couldn’t reach out at the moment I would be afraid of the consequences . I am so emotional I can’t stop crying and very agitated and overwhelmed . Far out a grown women being so pathetic .

It’s not a good day. I have seen you are having a bad one as well saree. I don’t won’t to stress you out with my posting .

Thank you saree for your help

lilly 🌺. .

Sorry saree . .

[Saree_p]

Lovely Lilly,

Could you try and not worry about the consequences? What are the consequences if you don't get help?

Please keep posting. I am here. I will do what I can to hold your hand through the night.

Your friend,

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

I have been out today, but I am back now. Don’t be afraid of crying it is a good release and a perfectly normal response at times of stress. You have been holding your feelings in for so long it is only to be expected.

I am happy to sit with you along with Saree until you feel stronger xox

Your forever friend Jojo 🌻

[Lilly99]

Dear saree,

Will you tell your doctor about your bad night in your letter ? Will you say exactly how you are feeling ? How are you tonight ?

I believe you will get better saree. You have the willpower to keep fighting . It amazes me how you can even go to the doctor . It does take determination to get well .

I have lost my determination and willpower . This isn’t something I have had for a short time . 

Sorry I didn’t open up about the welfare check earlier. It pretty embarrassing . it’s taught me to be even more guarded . As if I am Not guarded enough.

Thank you for helping me Saree. But you need to get some sleep.

Lilly