Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[White_Rose]

Just had another thought. If talking on the phone is too hard can you use the chat line? Scroll down to the bottom of the page and click on Chat Online. It's available from 3:00pm to midnight and may help you. It's probably easier to write than talk. Give it a go.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear Lilly~

I should have said this before, sorry. When I was thinking of killing myself I worried about the effect on my family.

When I was planning on killing myself a bit later on I had convinced myself my family and my job would be better off with someone else - they could start again with someone who was not a failure.

My mind had turned around - and was wrong, it was the depression convincing me I was a failure, and depression convincing me my family would be better off.

Depression is very subtle and convincing, I thought those ideas were my own. Then guilt, exhaustion and hopelessness seals those thoughts in.

As someone outside looking with empathy in I would very much rather see you lose your job than your life. Having been where you are, as have most if not all others who have been talking with you we know, without a doubt, that your pain and desperation can be eased. Why on earth would we bother otherwise? We are genuine, we survive.

Please start by turning over in your mind the possible safe place you might choose - it can come from childhood, a place you have been, a book, a movie or anywhere.You need a gentle place, an oasis.

If you cannot focus your mind due to those repetitive despairing thoughts then break the loop for a moment, the free smartphone app Smiling Mind can do that with just a little practice. Even the 2-minute intro exercise is enough.

Croix

[Saree_p]

Lilly,
Please listen to White Rose, my response are coming through slowly.

White Rose, yes I know what you mean and I was an idiot who shouldve known better.

Lilly, the dark place engulfing. White Rose May be right, you may very well find hospital comforting. Sometimes the pressure to perform is so emanating, removing this can help.

Your desire to help me is extraordinary, you are amazing. Please realise that about yourself. Your need to make sure I am ok, you are human worth valuing.

Your friend,
Saree

[Lilly99]

Hi Croix and Mary ,

Thank you Both for your stories and for helping me . I do appreciate everything you say .

I do see myself losing my job . Which to me is actually worse then being replaced with someone else if I wasn’t here anymore . I loose my job I loose my house. So getting help there is a bigger picture.

I know I am not safe . But hospital would just make things a whole lot worse and for that reason I can’t .

My work place doesn’t look to kindly on people with a mental illness. In fact word spreads and I have heard what people have said about others .

What do I do come clean about what’s going on . And be talked about? But I can’t keep going . I have reached a point where there is know way out .

I have been on chat lines before online . Lifeline and suicide call back . As soon as they ask the question I don’t tell them the truth. Even though I am at the point of doing something .

I will try and take in what you have both said. I will try and find a peaceful place in my mind. The smiling mind app I use . A lot of the time I have reach a point I can’t help myself with it though.

I am sorry for ranting on this forum . And for being this person I don’t even recognise . I used to be someone that never asked for help and could stand on her own two feet . I have become this desperate , needy person . I am ashamed of myself.

Thank you both again .

lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Just popping in for a quick hello today. I am glad Croix & Mary have been sharing some of their experiences and clearly understand where you are coming from.

Please try and find that peaceful place in your mind to escape all the negative thoughts.

You will probably be annoyed with me for suggesting you try and see your psychiatrist or GP again, but I am going to suggest it anyway!

They could possibly try changing your medication to something else. I know from experience that some meds definitely did not suit me and made me feel worse.

Wishing you well & your always in my prayers xox

Your friend Jojo 🌻

[Lilly99]

Hi saree,

You are the amazing one . You are really a special person . That’s why you are in the industry to help people . I couldn’t do that . Kind hearted people like you do it.

I hope you start helping yourself like you help others .You are just as important .

I will be thinking of you when you go and see the CAT team . I have a feeling it is going to go well.

My kind wishes and hugs to you saree .

Your friend Lilly

[Lilly99]

Hi Jojo,

Thank you for being there for me . I am Sorry for all the trouble I have caused . You have helped me so much .

I have been so selfish . I don’t ask about you. How you are going.? I am so self centred . Sorry Jojo.

I will think about your suggestion . My anxiety is really bad . It’s hard to control and having to wait in the waiting room is so embarrassing .

It probably sounds so ridiculous to so many people. But you would have to see the agitation happen to me and they would understand . It’s is very obvious .

Thank you for your help . I will try not to be so overly needy like I am the only one with a problem .

Your friend Lilly 🌺

[Saree_p]

Dearest Lilly,

Just a suggestion, is there a way to book an appointment with your doc first thing in the morning? Might avoid having to wait, I get the anxiety, I have panic attacks over going.

Could you try the online BB chat and be honest? They might be able to get you more immediate assistance at home?

Thoughts are with you, stay safe!

Lots of love,

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

You don’t have to worry about me I am going very well thanks and you haven’t caused any trouble.I have support from a few good friends and a GP who is very compassionate and understanding.

I am also lucky because the medication I am on really suits me and keeps me stable.

I wish I could go with you to your appointments and keep you company, however, I will always be there in spirit holding your hand.

I used to take an mp3 player to my appointments when I was feeling really anxious and just plug in and try and blot out where I was.

When I went to the mh clinic at first I couldn’t handle it and would actually tell reception I would be waiting outside which really helped. Maybe this would help you too?

Thank you for messaging Saree you are amazing xox

Your friend Jojo 🌻

[Lilly99]

Dear saree,

Thank you for your advice . Good luck tomorrow . Jojo and I will be there holding your hand .

Keep safe saree . Sending you hugs

lilly