Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

There is always hope for you Lilly even if you don’t believe it. I meant for you to write for yourself not for the doctor.

Try and release some of the feelings that have been tying you in knots. Just like you do on your posts.

I pray for you every day hoping you find some sort of support that can help you without overwhelming you.

Thinking of you today. Stay safe xox

Your friend Jojo 🌻

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo ,

The thing I haven’t mentioned before is I am a mum of 2 . I have failed at being a mum . And nothing is going to take that hurt away . No medication or talking . I do think they would be better off without me. I am sure people reading this can’t believe I am even saying this. Especially parents out there.

I read other people’s posts who say they would stick around for there children so I have never mentioned it for that reason .

I have stuck around for them it’s been hard . But the hurt is too much to bear .

But it’s not just that there is a lot more that I haven’t spoken about in this forum .

I am glad saree is ok .

Thank you again

Lilly 🌺

[Saree_p]

Hi Lilly,

Jojo is amazing and has some wonderful advice.

I do apologise for my posts and distressing you, really can't believe who I am. You have not failed me, more I you.

Jojo's advice is a great one. I went last night to the spot and ended up screaming, all I did was yell and then broke down into tears. Whilst it hasn't fixed anything and has utterly drained me, it stopped the thoughts for 5 mins. I could see and realise what I had done and was doing.

Thoughts are with you, sorry I have not been there for you, but thank you for being there for me.

Saree

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo ,

I know what you meant . I was just asking how do I go to the doctor and tell her I am making plans to take this pain away ?

your friend lily 🌺

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo .,

How do I get the help I need before I do something . My emotions are getting in the way of help . This urge to stop this is strong and hard to control . Feeling desperate , panicky

far out who am I

your friend Lilly 🌺

[Croix]

Dear Lilly~

Help and things getting better comes in two forms. One of course is by other people -and you have companions here that care and don't give up. People is also doctors and hospitals. There are some among them that care and do not give up just as much.

You are frightened of being locked up, an ever preset fear that paralyses, leaving you in your present world where taking your life seems the way. I've felt that fear too, as I'm sure have many. You said it was coming out of hospital was the hard thing? Is that right?

If you want I'll talk with you about that later, for now though I want to talk about something else, the other way that can help. I found that inside me, and it still helps. I partly remembered and partly built in my own mind a safe place to meditate in, feel the world. Not so much an escape as simply a reminder of good things.

I've told others here, so it may seem familiar. I am on a cliff-top, well back from the edge -safe. I'm standing on short sheep-cropped turf, almost a velvet carpet with outcrops of rocks poking though. Below the horizon the grey wind-swept sea, whitecaps blowing along. The clouds are low, the wind blustery and strong, pushing me a bit, first one side then the other. Often rain, beating against my face, all reminding me of another place in the same world as I am in now, but a place without the anxiety, fear and pressure.

People, hospitals, professionals may improve things in the longer term - they did for me, they may for you. A safe place is something to remind you the world is bigger than the locked dark area depression tries to seal you into.

I had help to find my place (from a doctor).

Croix

[Lilly99]

Hi Croix ,

Thank you for your post I will give it a go .

You are right I do have a fear of going back into hospital which leaves me with the other alternative you mentioned .

When I left hospital I was actually worse . Feeling more desperate than when I went in . Everything seemed hopeless and I knew I wasn’t going to make it through this .

I had a plan if the hospital didn’t work then I go to plan S . I feel I have given everything a go and the hospital was the last resort .

Thankyou again

Lilly

[Lilly99]

Hi Croix ,

I see what you are getting at . Why would I say I am afraid o being locked up when I am also saying I was afraid to leave.

My mind is racing tonight and I am posting a lot so they may come in different sequence which won’t make sense. Anyway I will try to explain .

When I was in hospital I was a private patient . It was 4 weeks of tms but also I wasn’t safe outside of hospital . A nurse said to me that the psychiatrist was thinking about transferring me to a public hospital so I was more secure as a involuntary patient because I didn’t want to go . Anyway at the end of the 4 weeks he let me go knowing how bad I was.

I was afraid of leaving because I knew what my plans were if I wasn’t any better after trying so many things . I am not going to feel like this anymore .

If I go back into hospital it would have to be a public one. I wouldn’t go I know that . So probably involuntary which scares me. And then also knowing I could leave still feeling the same way.

I had to try and get the 4 weeks off work which was hard . They wont do that again . I would loose my job . .

See there isn’t a way out of my situation

I hope that explains it.

Thank you for your post Croix

lilly .

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

You have mentioned before you have a family and, although you didn’t say it then, I guessed that might include children. Thank you for confirming.

I don’t believe you are a bad Mum as you go to work every day to provide for them which is admirable. As for thinking they would be better off without you that could be no further from the truth. If you are no longer there you will cause them extreme pain and hurt.

I know, as I had a friend who took his own life and the pain to me was excruciating. Even many years later it still really hurts.

I understand you are unable to share certain things on the forums and I completely respect that. That’s why I have not asked you too much about your family.

Sending you kind thoughts and will continue to include you in my prayers xox

Your friend Jojo 🌻

[White_Rose]

Dear Lilly

When you are in a dark place as you are now, you cannot take on the responsibility for helping someone else. Saree is OK so do not worry about her. Saree you know what I mean I hope.

Like Croix I have been to the edge. I know the feeling of utter desperation and despair, being tired of all the things that go wrong and managing on my own. It is a dark place. Once you have been shown somewhere safe, such as being in hospital, it is very hard to leave and start managing yourself again. I remember every time I saw the psychiatrist and how reluctant I was to leave. Looking back it seems strange because I did not really like him and I think I got better despite him rather than him helping me, but he offered a respite for short while which was preferable to being alone.

He sent me to hospital (private) and suddenly I could let everything go until it was time to go home. I had a huge panic attack the night before I left. I think the nurses contacted the psych because they were concerned. My circumstances were different to yours and of course everyone is different. What is constant is that gut wrenching fear and the determination to carry on which is gradually eroded until there appears to be only one way out.

Well I tried that and frightened the living daylights out of my (adult) children. They organised themselves to have one of them staying with me day and night for a while and I was so far down that I could not see how much they loved me. I think that's true of everyone who gets to this position, being unable to 'see' anyone or anything except my pain.

I do know that place you are in and I would love to be able to hold your hand and keep you safe but all I can do is tell you about my experience and hope you can manage better than me. It can all be managed if you stay with us.

My psych used to complain that I never talked about the important things until at least half way through the session. It took that long to find my courage to start and after a while I wrote stuff down and gave him the paper but it took a while to get to this. Lilly I know you are scared and get overwhelmed with anxiety and I know what a huge mountain you have to climb. I would not like to go back to hospital, public or private, but if it is the only safe place please call an ambulance and go. Psychiatrists and psychologists come in all shades, some good, some merely ordinary but you must trust one of them. I know, easy for me to say, but trust me it can be done.

Mary