existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

[swtpotato]

hi everyone,

I was posting on the welcome and orientation section but thought I should move things here as it's more on-topic.

So my mental health story: I have always been really introverted and spacey kinda kid but also very optimistic and idealistic. I grew up being really self-conscious and felt like there was something wrong with me but was pretty good at ignoring it.
I had this bad lsd trip (1.5yrs ago) which blew all of my insecurities way out of proportion. I had all this derealisation and depersonalisation and severe social anxiety which led me to develop IBS and chronic fatigue. I was obsessed with the concept of identity and meaning and thought it was impossible to truly connect with other people.

[swtpotato]

Hi all,

thanks sn for that advice. I think I had been slightly manic that week and was holding on to feeling excitement of any kind in an attempt to hold off uni stress.

I think since my social anxiety has lifted somewhat I’ve felt this urge to express myself as much as possible and be as honest as possible but to an extent of not listening to the other person.

I’ve now pushed myself so much with uni that my cfs and depression is back again but its ok as I know I have the ability to get back to where I was before. I just hope when I get better and start living in life that I don’t lose the connection to my self and body and the humble ness that comes from feeling so much.

My anxiety is here to stay I know I just have to start living with it rather than hiding from it.

In relation to partying and boys — it’d be great to get into it from a healthy state of mind and do things on my own terms , and avoid doing it from a place of emptiness and need for affection. And simply not being sure who I was and what I Iiked.

Ill be safe I just like to dance and I’ve missed it so much. I will be seeing live jazz soon. No matter how depressed I am that is one of the only things that can liven me up.

And in fitting in: I know it is a good thing. I’ve just never ever felt it before and didn’t think I would. Must mean my existential anxieties are getting better, tho I still think they are valid concerns.

I still can’t believe how much of my life, personality, friendships, beliefs etc have been shaped by social anxiety to a much larger extent than I had realised. I guess that just means there’s so much more to experience now

m

[Peppermintbach]

Hi m,

I think it’s understandable. No one expects you to be on the forums all the time. Don’t worry about it, we know you care..,

I wonder if some of your struggle stems from your intellect being in conflict with some of your biological desires like sex. I know some people have a difficult time accepting that they are also are “a body” with needs and desires if that makes sense. I wonder if feeling objectified plays a part in how you’re feeling/felt.

I guess as you’ve become more open to new experiences, you’ve come to realise that maybe some of them aren’t so bad after all.

Maybe it’s not about fitting in or not fitting in but doing what you feel like doing...regardless of whether it’s unconventional or completely conventional 😉 Being Your “own person” and renegotiating your identity.

Always appreciate your insight. Thanks for sharing.

All the best once again for exams. I know it’s a stressful period.

Pepper xoxo

[swtpotato]

Hi pepper,

You are so right in everything you said. This post was very comforting thank you.

I finished my essays and now have one exam but that is pretty cruisy. Even though this is my worst semester by far I’m trying to remain proud of myself for getting through it at all.

The feeling of fitting in has passed and I still feel a little uncomfortably different — in being with childhood friends I see them be so free with affection and relate to each other so easily when I still don’t ever know what’s going on. But I have to be okay with being such an introvert even tho I feel like I miss out on sharing group connection.

But yes you are right my goal is to float comfortably between the conventional and unconventional with whatever feels right. But I’ve always had an urge to attach things to my identity, I think to make life seem more stable. To define a safe space (but by doing so defining everything else as unsafe). It’s rigid thinking.

So like if I’ve decided I’m not asexual or shy, then I must be sexy, confident and free! But then am like, well my friends are like that, but I’m not like my friends, so I must not be...(??) I must be something else (know that I think this thinking is silly)

so I’m still concerned with peoples expectations and fitting into a mold - whether that is the unconventional or conventional.

Anyway I am working on finding a purpose (lol) wouldn’t that be nice. By that I mean just a job/lifestyle to work towards having after uni. I full on wanted to be a nurse yesterday and planned my whole career plan but then changed my mind. Felt good having a purpose for a day, having a more certain future (but I again have absolutely no idea what to do)

probably should take it slower. Only started not wanting to die not too long ago so deciding my whole life is probably too much haha

hello to anyone reading I hope your days are an achievable amount of okay

m

[Peppermintbach]

Hi m,

I always enjoy reading your posts here or on other threads. I’ve said this multiple times before but I really appreciate your insight and intelligence 🙂

Aw thank you...

Congrats on your uni achievements. Not long to go till you’re officially on holidays!

I hear what you’re saying. Societal and peer expectations can often be quite limiting. It’s hard to not be affected by expectations...I think complexity, contradictions and layers frightens some people. I sort of think personality traits, emotions, etc tend to exist on a spectrum as opposed to being all-or-nothing. But I know that you know this already...

Yeah, one step at a time. I think it’s a good thing that you seem interested in your future even if you’re not entirely sure what you want to do...

Good luck for your last exam!

Caring thoughts,

Pepper xoxo

[swtpotato]

Hi pep!

Thank you :)))))))

You too pepper. You have a real ability to read through the lines and hear what people are really saying and feeling. Honestly. I really appreciate it and love to talk with you. When I have am being so-called 'insightful' I know I tend to go down the same lines of thought and reach narrow conclusions. Whenever you say something I'm like - 'oh!' and makes me think about it in a totally different way than I would have just by myself. It's so helpful.

I got back to melb today and saw my housemate D and his girlfriend. I felt myself like immediately go back into this meek, confused, insecure persona. It becomes hard to speak clearly and make the conversation flow and I feel constantly on the defence. I feel the urge to talk about my illness and exaggerate my symptoms and then think about all the ways he should be helping me but never does....

(but his gf is super nice I kinda want to be friends with her)

This has happened over and over again while I've been sick. I think I got into a bad habit of playing the victim so I would get sympathy and attention when I otherwise would be ignored. Which just leads to negative thinking and plenty of resentment and bitterness, continuing the cycle. In some ways I took away what little agency I had left available to me.

And now D has this perception of me as only this smaller meeker person as am always like this around him. His expectation that I would be like that plays straight into me and I automatically fulfil it.

At home I noticed this a little and tried to act the opposite to how I felt (now I have more motivation and reasons and ability to exercise this is possible!)

I hate feeling powerless!!!!!!!!!!!! I will not tolerate it anymore

It's so much harder here to sustain my confidence when no one believes in me (or i hardly see people who do) but I gotta do it. I'm just sad I know I will get much more lonely here without my family constantly surrounding me and less friends who will actually make the effort to see me.

(tho home is a hole of comfort zone and nostalgia if i stay it becomes suffocating rather than comforting)

I think I need to distinguish exactly what triggers me becoming like that and exactly what brings me back out. Looking forwards to my psych app next week.

Good to continually make new goals.

🙂

stay strong pep

thanks

m

[Peppermintbach]

Hi m,

Aw big smile from me, thank you. That’s one of the nicest things anyone has said to me here. Thank you...back at you. I feel as though you’re selling yourself short on the whole insight thing. I think you definitely have it. A lot of things you’ve already alluded to and all I have to do is “tease” it out so the real credit belongs to you 🙂

This housemate of yours certainly has quite the “hold” over you and your actions. I wonder if maybe some of it is partly because you slept with him before (sorry or am i mixing him up with someone else?) and maybe there’s still some lingering unexpressed emotions.

I think how you went from previously identifying as asexual to experimenting more these, there’s a lot not not yet processed. In which case, no wonder you’re feeling unsettled around him.

Oh yeah, I think once we fall into a role, it can be easy to stick to it even if it no longer serves or helps us. I feel it’s because challenging the status quo or renegotiating relationships is more confronting and distressing (at least initially during the transition period anyway) than just continuing old dynamics. It’s easy to fall into relative complacency in my opinion...

As an aside, I appreciate complexity and I don’t mind contradictions in people. We aren’t one-dimensional beings. As I touched on before, I think most things and behaviours exist on a spectrum, and we do ourselves a major disservice when we try to pigeon hole people as one or “the other.” Layers and complexity brings richness to life and people in my opinion. Just my thoughts 🙂

Good talk and happy goal setting.

Pepper xoxo

[Pysis]

Hi m

im really sorry I haven't been around I've loged on here a few times now but as soon as I do someone calls me away again. I've just been so busy

i really hope your ok

sending love and I'm thinking of you

[swtpotato]

Hi pep

Yes he does. Yeah this is the guy I was sleeping with all last year (housemate D)

Yep renegotiating relationships is very confronting. Definitely know for sure as I tried two huge conversations yesterday.

the first with friend A who had been distancing himself from me. I went and asked why and ended up crying on his couch for about 2 hrs while we tried to work it out. I told him about me and D (it had been a secret the whole time) He also said he’d been distancing himself from D too for other reasons.

then I went home to find D. I had the conversation with him too. It was intense. I found out how hard it had been to be around me.

He said he was miserable seeing me be so sick every day and having to be around so much negativity he couldn’t do it. Said it looked like I was dying and there was nothing anyone could do about it. He tried to help but in a different way that I didn’t recognise as help (made me think of the ‘four love languages’)

me being so sick stopped everyone else from hanging out together as they felt too bad for leaving me alone at home :((

D was basically depressed and anxious all semester :((

He’s so upset that I think he caused me so much pain he’s thinking of moving out and just starting again as our group is too messy

so much to process...

how do I reconcile the belief that I don’t think I did anything wrong but at the same time caused so much pain all around me? That it might be too much to fix? I forgive them for putting up boundaries but at the time it felt like they were leaving me to drown knowing I had no one else.

It’s strange to still feel resentment towards them but also fully empathise with their position...there’s no answer...the pain has to go somewhere.

I think I am doing pretty well considering but am now very worried very very sorry about D. Bit of a change. Our talk made him feel soo much worse but I felt better

ahh

people. So complex

[Peppermintbach]

Hi m,

Thanks for clarifying. Sorry, I sometimes need to be reminded about who’s who in your world. Thanks again...

Ouch, 2 difficult conversations in a short space of time. But to your credit, i think it’s very brave to have one “Big” conversation, let alone 2.

You have pretty much said it all yourself and I think it’s admirable how you can see both where you personally stand as well as put yourself in other people’s shoes. That’s a rare skill to be able to understand both your own pain and other people’s pain at the same time...

You’re right...the pain has to go somewhere. The one plus is at least you now know that D, in his own way, meant well. It must be a little comforting to know that he cared. Maybe he didn’t care in the way that you needed or wanted but it seems he cared in his own way....

I think some people struggle being around others’ pain. I’m not saying it’s an “excuse” but I think it’s difficult to “sit” with another person’s pain without jumping in to “rescue”, “save”, fix or advise. I think some people don’t like to feel powerless or helpless, which says more about them than you.

It’s one of the reasons that I shield most of the people (offline) from mine because I know them well enough to know that they will struggle if they knew the truth. I’m not saying you need to do what I do but I’m trying to express that I can empathise...

I think I am doing pretty well considering but am now very worried very very sorry about D. Bit of a change. Our talk made him feel soo much worse but I felt better

I think it sounds like you needed to have this conversation to clear the air if nothing else. I feel, at the end of the day, you aren’t responsible for D’s feelings. Sure, it’s important to care and empathise but that doesn’t mean you are “responsible” for his feelings.

Maybe give things some time...you never know how things will pan out. Sometimes things work out even better after the initial difficult “renegotiating” period...

Perhaps now that you’ve had the tough conversations, the focus could be on self care. Do stuff you love, cry if you need, cuddle your puppy when you get the chance, watch soppy movies, etc...channel that pain you speak of somewhere. Find an outlet for it. Better out than in.

Pepper xoxo

[swtpotato]

Hi everyone,

I think my meds are basically settled as of this week. I feel much more in control and have more energy now than I have had in 3 years. My emotions are quite muted at the same time though but that's totally ok I still experience a healthy range I think just in a slightly quieter way (especially don't feel gut excitement or fear - I don't really feel a 'rush' of anything but get more subtle versions - this is a little weird for e.g. when I expect a huge adrenaline rush from riding my bike down a hill at night with newfound energy, it's still good, but almost in the same way that a comforting walk is)

But this is actually good as it means I need more stimulation -- forcing me to experience things without anxiety (social anxiety behaviour still around but possible to work on it)

I also noticed that when these big problems came up with my housemates I didn't just spiral away (well I did just less so, so like 1-2 days of swirling anxiety rather than an incapacitating week) I automatically went for a walk/bike ride or called a friend for advice and once I got a kind of solution the anxiety mostly died down!

I am really liking this new ability where my actions actually correlate with my mental/physical state. As in, when I go for a walk to clear my head...it actually works!

When I look closer at a lot of my problems now it is a lot easier to take it step by step to untangle them and work out what the best thing is to do about them. This is especially true when I go to see my psych - I go in with problems and after just a few minutes I realise myself that they're probably ok and manageable (also because she is really good and if I just had a conversation about nothing I would still feel better and understood afterwards).

Also I don't have to study or work atm haha I think that is a big factor. As I still feel sick/sad when I use my laptop.

Thank you pepper. A lot of the things you said are similar to what my psych told me too. She said I was brave for confronting everyone and trying to learn as much as possible from the experience about my faults so I can improve myself. It was scary and I felt like I ruined so many people's semesters but I think it is ok.

I think D will end up staying here but we'll decide together in Feb.

Even though things are more stable I will keep posting updates on things I've achieved over the summer to keep myself on track.

Thank you everyone for your help. I don't know what I would have done without all of you :))

m