existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

[swtpotato]

hi everyone,

I was posting on the welcome and orientation section but thought I should move things here as it's more on-topic.

So my mental health story: I have always been really introverted and spacey kinda kid but also very optimistic and idealistic. I grew up being really self-conscious and felt like there was something wrong with me but was pretty good at ignoring it.
I had this bad lsd trip (1.5yrs ago) which blew all of my insecurities way out of proportion. I had all this derealisation and depersonalisation and severe social anxiety which led me to develop IBS and chronic fatigue. I was obsessed with the concept of identity and meaning and thought it was impossible to truly connect with other people.

[Pysis]

Hi,m

haha, sounds a little tiring. My imagination goes a little haywire sometimes to when I have a project or I'm trying to figure out how to make something I pretty much build it in my head.

he sounds very nice I hope he treats you the way you deserve. You deserve to have someone.😊 Haha, righto I'll take your advice on that and see how it goes. 😉

Yeah I've been on my ads for 4 or 5 months now and it's only now I've got my motivation back I hope it dosent take that long for you though.

I'm ok and she's ok to it seems we can't stop talking to each other at the moment, haha.

Well I just dispatched a great big brown snake that was cuaght in the bird netting that was fun, do you think I could find a sharp shovel, nope not a hope in hell. I don't like doing it but it was after my turkey and her eggs. And I've been cleaning out my avery all this afternoon I'm trying to get rid of the rats and I studied in the morning.

thinking of you

nath

[startingnew]

Dear M


you dont have to thank me every time I respond you know.. its sweet but unneccessary


if I help you get through the day then im really pleased, though I barely have strength myself to get msyelf out of bed lol.


Its good to be challanged, demon blaster just gave me a project, simple she calls it. Finding something I like about myself isnt simple lol.


Ooh youve been day dreaming hey. Thats not all bad you know. I hope that one day you might have the courage to persue it further. Get to know him abit more first. Try not to worry about the breakups etc. you will get through those and will have more than one to have to contend with in your lifetime.


And yay your now in long term 🙂
glad your doing ok


and yes Nath us girls do day dream like that, its all apart of growing up anyway. Nothing to be ashamed of or worried about. 🙂

[Peppermintbach]

Hi m,

Congrats on making it to the long term support section whoo!!!

On another note, sorry, once again, I am about 25 conversations behind 😂 oh dear...

I'm glad you're receiving so much love and support here.

I particularly enjoyed the exchange between you and Shell; maybe it's my imagination going into overdrive but I sense that there's an unspoken understanding between the 2 of you in terms of how you perceive the world/process thoughts/you get what I mean 😉

As Cesca and Nath (and maybe Butterfly too...cant remember) touched on, there's no harm in a bit of daydreaming. You sound like you're enjoying getting to know this guy and that's great to hear. Happy music sharing 🙂

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xoxo

[swtpotato]

Hey guys

quick update and reply

I’m going to have to block all distracting websites incl this one for whole days at a time my procrastination is getting out of hand. I can only focus for 10mins at a time again and have low motivation. I’m also frequently switching from lethargic to very tense frequently. Mood and core energy is mostly ok though I think.

I think part of it is due to switching medication brands. Since I did I haven’t slept very well and my head is super fuzzy and tired. Pretty stuck in my head. Anyone else experienced this? They say it’s all the same but they don’t know unless they’ve experienced it.

idk why I still find it so hard to do the things that are good for me after I’ve decided life may possibly be ok sometimes after all. Well I should appreciate what I’ve got, which is a lot. I do really.

I’ve decided not to move house next year and am happy with the choice. Not sure why I’m telling you but like having somewhere to update people with boring details of my life ha

Also I’ve found out that guy is just as keen as I am and are both intent on hanging out a lot as well as studying together when I’m back. Strange I’ve hardly had a proper conversation with him irl. Absurd things we get ourselves into. The ridiculous is always the best.

Thats interesting nath that it took 4-5months for meds to start helping. Hopefully I’ve got more improvements to look forward to. Maybe even get through the day without napping wow.

thanks I feel better about letting myself feel good about the dreaming. It’s always hard to tell what’s anxiety and what’s normal.

I feel my whole underlying outlook on life slowing shifting. Humour is starting to fill in the existential gaps of understanding. Life is weird.

if I start posting around excessively tell me to go away and study thanks

m

[Cesca1557]

hey m,

completely understand why you would want to take some time away from this! it can be very time consuming which is not good when you need to focus on study and limit procrastination.

i hope you ability to concentrate and motivation levels increase soon! mine have been incredibly low recently as well and hoping that this does pass as i need to be studying a lot more for exams now.

that probably is a good choice not to move house! moving house can be stressfull and takes a while, and uses up a lot of energy so it might be good to wait until you are feeling better.

very exciting news about the guy though! seems like its an exciting thing and something for you to look forward to which is always good 🙂

yay that things are starting to change though! nothing better than having a bit more humour in your life !

thinking of you and happy studying x

[Pysis]

Hi m

yhats totally ok I understand. Haha, I enjoys your updates its good that you feel you ca tell someone.

i have experienced exactly what your going through I couldn't sleep at all just from all the thoughts and I was over thinking everything which cuased problems with my freind am my head was really fuzzy almost like the thoughts would start but they weren't clear. It dose get better with time it might take a week or two though.

haha, yeah I'm sure it won't take that long for you my body tends to be a bit differnt with a lot of things.

Its good that this guy is as interested as you, just do me a favour and don't get your heart broken but I'm sure everything will go great with you two. And yeah life is very wierd all we can do is sit back and let it come our way.

will do as well ill keep you in check, haha.😉

Sending hugs and love

Nath

[swtpotato]

Hey c

well I am having another break and letting myself reply to things. Though i don’t deserve it.

I am back to having a lot of trouble thinking things through in a way that is even remotely rational. I am very impulsive but literally don’t care and have no guilt about being irresponsible. I don’t feel very moral atm. I think if I did I would have to judge myself harshly and I don’t want to put myself through anything bad anymore.

So what I mean is I cannot stop procrastinating because I have forgotten what the point of good grades even is? Like as long as I pass? (Lost my integrity a while ago I feel) this applies to many things. I guess if things are pointless then failing cannot hurt me.

This sounds like I’m depressed but I think only quite mildly now, just lazy and having trouble rationalising my actions and guiding principles.

im doing that thing where I go, oh but after semester then I’ll get my life together and work towards my goals, but not now. Later. But for now, Facebook satire articles and bachelorette recaps (fb is a deep hole and I should delete it forever) Obviously this is my own very mild problem that just requires a bit of effort.

Anyway I hope you get a little bit of vitality and focus back - I reckon it will happen soon 🙂

also! Saw new psychologist. She’s great! Recounting my whole story, she totally got it, and I was like wow no wonder I got so bad. Like my god that was a lot. More than enough to break me completely. But I’ve built myself back up. And I did most of it by myself. Well done me for coming out the other side. Just have to continue the work. Idk how to get that determination back though.

1 week until home! That is where my mind has been all the time.

Sorry I keep using this an journal and frequently forget I’m speaking to people.

Thank you for listening

m

[Cesca1557]

hey m,

i was 100% sure i already replied to this a few days ago! infact i even remember what i wrote, so im not sure what happened to it.

ill try to remember it properly tomorrow morning or just rewrite it out again but hope youre doing okay and know im thinking of you 🙂

- c

[Peppermintbach]

Hi m,

Sorry it's been a while since my last visit. Kinda admittedly struggling to string sentences together lately but still wanted to check in with you...

Hey, please don't apologise. It's your thread and space to share and express as you wish- journal style or not 😉

Maybe it's my imagination but you sound a little numb or maybe indifferent is more the word. I wonder if you're just very drained at the heart of things...

Happy you're clicking with your new psych 🙂 Also count down till home begins!

Pepper xoxo

[swtpotato]

Hi c and pepper,

Thanks for checking in 🙂 but also pls don't feel pressure to I am doing ok.

Yep you are certainly right. I handed in a field report 2 days late because I just didn't feel like doing it and I'd already messed up my semester so thought -- what difference would it make now? I had thought it was just my motivation that had been numbed, but my emotions were probably generally muted now I think about it. It's interesting how the meds change depressive and anxious episodes. I think I still get them as I would before it's just I experience them completely differently and am still functional. As in instead of being overtaken completely by anxiety, dread, fear etc. I get very tense, restless and dizzy, but still have enough of my mind to make the right decisions to look after myself. So instead of full blown depressive episodes, I get drained, indifferent and flat. This is good!

But yesterday and today I haven't been feeling too great. I got it in my head that I've woken up enough to encounter the real 'tangible' issues that stop me from living a proper life and that there just isn't anything to do to fix them (when really they're just the same old automatic negative thoughts).

I started thinking that my physical body and maturity levels are simply inadequate to get me through this life and to be a real adult. I feel like I am stuck in the development stage of a teenager and started feeling like everyone else was moving forwards without me, but I can't because my brain and body haven't developed the right way to keep up with them. 😞

Also I have been thinking too much about the subjectivity of identity again and how anything I think is me is actually just made up. I think I'm okay with it a little bit more it's just annoying that I have to listen to these thoughts all the time...

I don't expect solutions or anything here it's just nice to be listened to and hear other's thoughts on my own. I'll bring it up with the psychologist.

hope you guys are having a relaxing sunday

m