Empty and lost and so lonely

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

[james1]

Hello PL,

Wooow that's a big trip. How long will you go for?

Yeah I feel the same. It's like nobody but me screws up. But the weird thing is, everybody else is probably thinking the same thing so....*shrug* I guess we all need to lower our standards for ourselves and each other. Anyway, it sucks to hear that things seem to keep going wrong. Hope it gets better soon at work.

Yeah I hear you. It's like, if I'm feeling better than I did, why am I still not sleeping. I think it's more a case of depression has very wide ranging effects. When you do something "badly", it is often related to one of these effects and it is important not to beat yourself up about it. Instead, we can just say, "yeah I made a mistake, it was because I have not been sleeping well due to my depression, but I can try to get more sleep". That's what helped me anyway - I just ended up setting myself a pretty strict wake up schedule and making sure I went to bed when I got tired.

Nothing much happening on my end. It's meant to rain for the next week which sucks big time!

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

We're only going for 4 weeks so it's only a few days per city unfortunately. But for a first trip to Europe I think that just hitting the main touristy spots will be enough for now.

Yeah I guess I should remember that yeah most likely other people are too worried about their own performance to really scrutinise our mistakes (I hope...). I realise I am usually hard on myself but ugh I just hate being such a burden on everyone and inconveniencing everyone when I make all these mistakes.

Speaking of sleep, I wish I could also keep to a strict sleep schedule because I know (as much as I hate to admit it) that my lack of sleep is a source of a lot of problems for me. But god sleep is being totally mean to me again now. Can't stay asleep for more than 2-3 hrs again and even when I sleep it's rarely deep sleep. It's not even like I have nightmares all the time; I just physically can't stay asleep. And I am so bloody exhausted and irritable and just cannot be bothered doing anything other than being in bed. It's kind of scaring me tbh because god I hope I don't end up having a really bad depressive episode when I'm meant to go to Europe... sigh. Mental illness sucks.

Its been raining non stop here for about a week or more now too! I'm loving the rain tbh.

How are you going?

PL

[james1]

Hello PL,

Cool, 4 weeks is a good amount of time. Is it family you're going with? When are you going?

When you talk about inconveniencing, I hope you don't mind if I throw an alternative thought because I also have that thought sometimes.

Let's suppose that when you do certain things, you are actually inconveniencing someone. My question is: you feel like a burden on people, but do they feel like you are a burden? Our own feelings can often confuse things. We feel like a burden, we assume other people feel the same. But what if they don't?

For example, my friends organise something and ask if that date works for me. I say no, but I feel reaaally bad for doing it. Oh crap, just because of me they have to reschedule their lives, I'm such a burden. But to them, it's just, oh he's busy, let's see if another day works no problem.

Do you think this could be happening to you too?

Ah yes. We had rain for like 2 weeks straight. I think yesterday was the 3rd rain-free day in the last 17 days or something ridiculous like that.

I'm alright. Going to buy a new motorbike this Saturday hopefully, so i'm excited about that.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

yep going with my mother from march to April next year. Super keen for march to come already!

ive been told that a lot because I guess I've mentioned to a lot of people that I feel like I'm being a burden. But then they say no im not/it's fine etc but I just can't believe them. They're just being nice or polite. There's no way I'm not actually inconveniencing them when I so clearly am. God everything I do feels like I'm inconveniencing or bothering someone. I know rationally that's not true but it feels almost sinful to think otherwise.

I miss the rain tbh. It was disgustingly hot when the rain stopped and we got a heatwave and it was like 36C last Friday. The only thing That makes me glad about the rain stopping is I can hang laundry outside again haha.

Did you get your motorbike? That's so cool that you drive a bike! How have you been?

ive been having so many anxiety attacks at work and just in general and I'm so terrified that I'm gonna spiral downwards again. I can feel it looming closer every day. Sigh.

Hope the weather's better down there.

PL

[james1]

Hello PL,

haha what are you most keen for? we might be going in June, but not sure where.

Do you mind if I ask a question? Do you think you are inconveniencing me? Both from a rational mind perspective, and from an emotional mind perspective?

I sure did get my bike. Took a 6 hour train to get there, and a 4.5 hour ride back, so it was a mega long day. I love the bike though, so totally worth it.

😞 That's the worst feeling, that sense of, "oh no, it's happening again." It can be hard to think of it in a larger context, but in my own experience, the larger context was that these recurrences became less and less frequent, and also became easier and easier to deal with. I know it's not much help for any present feeling, but I just wanted to remind you that you're not going backwards. If you do feel in the pits again, you haven't failed in any way. You're not trapped, even if you feel like it. it is part of the recovery process and is a good time to reach out to people again to let them know you are starting to really struggle again.

Hope you're feeling okay today.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

Very excited for many things but some main ones would be trying to see the northern lights, wizarding world of Harry Potter in London, all the amazing food in France, Italy and Switzerland, and all the amazing museums in Italy + Vatican City! Where are you thinking of visiting and who with?

i guess rationally you've told me that you're here of your own accord and I'm not forcing you to answer me... but yes I do still feel guilty and like I'm always being an inconvenience 😕

Wow that's far! Did you take the motorbike on the train?? Didn't know we could do that 😮

Unfortunately with my history, I feel like these recurrences are happening more often and more intense each time so I'm just dreading what's gonna happen. There's just a lot happening right now and feeling a lot of things is getting a bit overwhelming. The whiplash from my mood changing from one extreme to another all the time is also so tiring. And I know it's annoying for the people around me too. Thank you for your reassuring words though, I really do appreciate them.

How are you?

PL

[james1]

Hey PL,

Oh are you going to try and catch the Northern Lights up in Norway? That should be amazing. I have a few friends who went recently and they loved it.

My partner and I are going for a wedding in Scotland somewhere (I don't know the details), and I really want to tag on a trip. I've been through a lot of England, Scotland and Italy before, as well as Paris and Geneva. So everywhere else would be new. Since we'll be going in their Summer, I'd like to do some outdoorsy things, but no clue where at the moment lol. Spain and Morocco would probably be too hot at that time of year...

Yeah, I can understand that. It's hard to override the feeling, but it's still worthwhile fact checking it so we gradually train our brains to think differently. You're not an inconvenience to me. Yes, there are times when it's inconvenient for me to answer, but then I'll either respond at a later time or I'll just let you know. The same happens in person too. I usually will try to hear people out then see if we can talk about it later, so it's never actually an issue.

Haha. No, I took the train up, bought the motorcycle, then rode it back home on the highway.

You mentioned some things getting a bit overwhelming. Is there anything that you wanted to talk about or just say? It sounds like there's a bunch of work related things that you are struggling with... sometimes I find it helpful to check-in with my manager or someone else in my team just to see if there's things I need help with, or just to hear them tell me directly what I can improve on. Somehow, making it a formal thing makes it easier for me to deal with, rather than passing comments.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

Yeah we're heading to Tromso to see if we can still get enough darkness to see the Northern Lights despite it being the end of winter already by then. I'm really hoping I'll be able to see it; I love astronomical events but seem to always miss everything sadly haha. Like when there are meteor showers or whatnot. So fingers crossed!!

Wow cool! You've been to quite a few key places in Europe; what about Greece? It would probably be as hot as Italy/Spain in summer but heard it's the best time to go there right? Otherwise I've heard Iceland is beautiful in summer because it's not bone-chilling cold and they have lots of picturesque mountains and lakes and things I think?

Wow even on the highway it was still a 4.5hr drive... glad you seem to love it though so I'm guessing it was worth the drive/travel?

Thank you for reassuring me that I'm not an inconvenience to you. It will always be a doubt in my mind but it's nice to see it there in writing as a solid proof kinda thing.

Yeah I guess lots of things are happening personally as well. Work has definitely been hectic but it's been a bit better since my supervisor and I started sharing an online file for where we're up to with certain projects and what some future directions are so I can do a bit of planning. The uncertainty that came every day with not being able to plan ahead was what was getting to me so it's getting a bit better. Personally it's just a lot of thinking about future studies and I guess like my sexuality which I haven't really mentioned here. I don't like talking about it; I am so uncomfortable about anything to do with sex and every aspect of it. But things are just all over the place and it's just hard to not feel overwhelmed with so many thoughts in my head all the time. I know that's really vague but this is a super long reply already so perhaps an explanation for another time... but yeah my depression is... okay. But it's my anxiety and every other mental issues that's driving me nuts right now.

Hope you're well and have a good weekend 🙂

PL

[james1]

Hey PL,

Awesome. Have you ever seen a blood moon or whatever they call it? Or a lunar eclipse? or are they the same thing...

Yeah i'd love to get to greece. I love history so...yeah, obvious reasons to go lol. and yeah, a friend just got back from 9 days camping in iceland. suffice to say, he didn't want to come back

oof, it does sound like there's a lot happening for you personally. feel free to talk more about it when you feel comfortable doing so. even if it's a mess, at least it's a mess that isn't contained within your head where it can really just get super confusing. or at least it would if it was contained in mine - my head is a minefield lol.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

yeah i've seen both a lunar eclipse and a blood moon and supermoons but I feel like they happen so often these days that they don't feel that "special" anymore? 😅

Ahhhh I'm a sucker for historical sites too so would love to go to Greece too some day. One of my friends is in Iceland right now and man that place always looks amazing.

Im just confused about a lot of things I guess. For the sexuality thing, I've felt like I'm asexual for a while but there's been lots of things that make me doubt that and I hate uncertainties about myself. It's just been making my life a bit complicated. And then I've also been stressing out bout future studies and what I should do because I feel like I should do an honours but I just feel scared about all the presentations that comes with it. And I'll be doing that while doing the gamsat (entry test for med) and med is my ultimate dream but I've failed the gamsat several times already so it's just ugh. And the other big annoying problem in my head is about my ex which is pathetic because it was honestly ages ago (like 6 years ago) and I'm glad he's happy now and I stand by breaking up with him then but god I just get so lonely and I miss what I felt when I was with him I guess. I'm just lonely but it's my own goddamn fault because I'm a shit friend and I push everyone away because I'm so done with being so dependent on people and everyone's better off without me anyway. Idk. I'm just a bit lost and sad I guess.

Theres just a lot of things that make me hate myself even more rn and yeah sometimes all these thoughts get overwhelming.

Anyway, sorry for the big messy self pitying rant.

How are you?

PL