Morning Steph;
I haven't seen this thread or posted here before; I came across it this morning cruising the site. It seems life's getting you down in a big way, I'm sorry about that lovely. I reiterate Lee's words; you help so many here. You're vital and caring when it comes to others; are you like this with yourself?
Being dissociated, tending to only acknowledge what's 'out there', makes caring for ourselves first, a battle of wills. There's absolutely nothing you can do to control the person firing a weapon or the helicopter flying overhead. But you do have control over 'your' thoughts, words and actions.
Relationships are the same; while ever you focus on 'them', you're out of your protective barrier, your body. That's where your will, courage and intent reside, not with the person in front of you. Giving this power over to another creates problems and eventually resentment. "Why do they always do that? I deserve better"
Asserting and protecting yourself has to be learned. It wasn't there at birth because you were completely helpless without your parents; this continued because you didn't learn the basics. Eg; "I don't want to be in this situation; I deserve better. He's out of here!"
The first step towards self empowerment is teaching yourself to say "NO!"
For me, saying this bought severe consequences growing up. I didn't assert the 'N' word until I was 34 with my mother. Bloody scary, but I pushed on regardless as I couldn't continue putting my finances at risk by giving her money anymore...I put myself first.
What a great feeling! I began growing up in that hour of power! She swore, ranted and raised her fist, but I stood my ground; she hasn't asked me for money since. One step for self; one giant leap for esteem and confidence.
Fear of consequences is still my biggest PTSD trigger, but I'm resolved to stand and deliver! One step, one success at a time.
Being caught in the 'helpless' round-a-bout is Hell, but each time you speak on your own behalf, it gets easier.
Instead of asking yourself; "What am I doing wrong to make him treat me like that?", ask; "Do I deserve to 'feel' like this all the time?" The 1st answer can only come from 'him', the 2nd comes from 'you'. Self empowerment 101.
It's all about the questions we ask of ourselves. I wish you well hun...
Sara
