DEPRESSION: Fight it or embrace it?

[Doolhof]

Right now I feel like I don't have the energy to do either. Just existing is difficult enough. I've been trying to "float" this one out but the Black Dog is right there trying to drag me under.

My Psychologist tells me to embrace the depression, to accept it, to make the most of those rotten days when you feel like you can't do a thing. To just live with it and the sting of the depression will ease away. If I don't feed it, it will give up.

I must be doing something wrong as all that seems to do is escalate how horrid I feel, I break down in tears and feel like "what is the point" this monster is winning.

Depression. BPD. Stress. Suicidal thoughts. Maybe I do need to find ways to embrace these issues before they totally destroy me. But how?

Maybe I could try poetry, I've already painted a couple of pictures showing what is going on in my head, maybe more paintings or drawings might help get the muck out.

I'm just so tired and exhausted. Mental health issues suck!

Fighting it is exhausting. Trying to embrace it is soul destroying.

ACCEPTANCE! Where the hell is ACCEPTANCE! Think it ran away with HOPE!

Wishing you all a sense of acceptance and hope!

Cheers from a battered feeling Dools

[Doolhof]

Dear precious Grandy,

Thank you once again for your beautiful words and encouragement. I thank all of you who have shared here.

I'm trying to do life differently, to get my thoughts out of the extreme negative, to see what is good each day and to accept my thoughts are thoughts and I don't have to act upon them no matter what my mind tells me!

I'm with you Grandy, how do our minds get so messed up?

The dietician I am seeing at present is questioning the body/mind/gut connection, wondering if certain foods and chemicals are causing the depression or adding to it.

Does anyone else feel like there is a connection with their moods and foods?

My husband is home now. I took the opportunity to have a walk along the beach before I picked him up from the airport. That was lovely. He said he missed me while he was away and he did buy me a very thoughtful gift of a nativity scene relating to the country he visited.

It is very unique and I am thankful for his thoughtfulness.

Tuesday I have an appointment at a new job agency place so I am hoping that will help to reduce my stress and anxiety levels.

I know there are a lot of things I can do to help myself! I just need to push myself to do them!

I thank all of you for your suggestions and ideas. I will read back over them and make an effort to put some of them into practice.

Wishing you all a day where happy moments out weight the negative!

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

Today I have really tried to make an effort. I feel exhausted, but at least managed to achieve a few things that I will write down in my journal.

There have been moments where I have felt like bursting into tears...it didn't really seem appropriate to do so at the Post Office so pulled myself together and left.

I did manage a walk this morning and was treated to seeing a couple of kangaroos, one in amongst some vines and another bounding through a paddock.

This afternoon I was feeling a bit lost so brought out the acrylic paints and splashed some colour around on some paper.

We went to do the grocery shopping to buy some of the ingredients the dietician has recommended I now use. The prices of some of the ingredients is staggering! I thought gluten free food was expensive enough.

Guess I will have to be inventive with the foods we could afford. I'm trying not to stress myself out about this.

A lot of the foods that are now on my list of foods to eat are not things my husband will eat so guess I will be preparing two meals. Guess I should be thankful we have food!

It is going to be a little hard to judge if my moods improve if it is due to the food changes or the fact my husband is home again.

My mind has been ticking over all day trying to think of what to do next! That is exhausting! Ha. Ha.

Cheers to you all from Dools

[quirkywords]

Mrs Dools,

That diet sound very difficult if it means it is expensive and meams making two meals. Do you need to eat lots of nuts.

it is good you can go for a walk.

I always seem to cry in the frozen foods at the supermarket.

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Dearest Mrs Dools..

I remember when my grandson was around 4 years old..at times he would be naughty and run riot...When my dil took him to the Dr once with her..he was being naughty in the Drs office...My dil Dr. started asking questions about his diet...After answering them the Dr told my dil to stop giving him most importantly red food colouring and preservatives and see how he goes..within a week he was a different little boy...My Dr. at one of my visits told me that certain foods has the ability to change our moods..and suggested to me to eat lots of fresh vegetables, fruit..and nothing with preservatives in it...as they everything we eat goes into our blood and the blood does nourish our brain as well, which is the core of our thoughts....

Those beautiful words from your husband that he missed you would have given you a sense of being loved and needed, and the gorgeous thoughtful gift...would have been picked from his heart.....I hope so much that they gave you a little lift with your feeling.....

Im pleased your walk became a bit special watching the kangaroos...That would have been a few moments of mindfulness for you...I love seeing our native animal running free..

I agree precious lady..that it will be hard to judge between food and hubby being home....I think having company is a very special thing...living alone even for a couple of weeks with depression is very hard to cope especially when your used to having hubby around...

Mrs Dools..Take you time with the new foods you are starting..maybe if you look at some cookbooks and write down some yummy recipes it will give you something to help distract your thoughts...

Hi Quirky...I love nuts..doesn’t matter which ones..they are all yummy and healthy for us...💖..but not good for my expanding waist line 😁.

I hope you have a peaceful night tonight sweety and have a refreshing sleep for tomorrow...

Good night precious Mrs Dools...sending you my love and warm caring hugs..💖🤗..

Grandy..

[Quercus]

Hi Mrs D,

It's been a while since I've been able to read here even though I knew you have been struggling for some time now. I always end up wanting to be able to support you in a practical way which isn't possible here.

Then I saw a post elsewhere where you were finding it hard to post. You mentioned it again here. Being at a loss for words which 'isn't like you'. It worried me. You know enough of my story to know I didn't post here until I was well enough to find my voice. But I read silently for a very long time unable to reach out here and unheard offline. It isn't a safe place to be in.

I suppose I'm trying to say please keep writing if you feel it helps you. Whether it is dot points, a sentence or even single words doesn't matter. I care very much as do so many others here.

Would it help to share the ingredients you have to work with and ask for ideas? Perhaps it can be a new thread even. I don't envy you having to make multiple meals. You mentioned just wanting to sit and do nothing and that sounds like me too. The idea of multiple meals is overwhelming. It annoys me how impractical specialists can be at times. My in-laws have recently cut out meat from their diets and it takes a lot of effort to try find new things to cook even if you are both willing to stick to the new diet.

I'm waffling again. Hope tomorrow is a little easier.

Love Nat

[Ggrand]

Good Morning Mrs Dools..

I thought I would call in to let you know..that your amazing precious lady...and very much loved and cared for by your many friends here...

I hope the sun shines some of its glorious heat into your beautiful heart and gives you some light...and strengthens your soul to give you the strength you need today..

The universe and us need you...You are a very important person....and an amazing inspiration to so many of us..

Take some time out of your day today just for you precious friend..A slow slow walk in nature, reading a book in the sun, eating a little treat you like, a nice cold lemon water..just little things make a huge difference to our mh...

Please enjoy your day the best you can..

Sending you Kind thoughts...with love and caring hugs.🌈💖🤗..

Grandy.....

[Doolhof]

Hi Quirky and All,

Thanks for your input here. The diet I am on is to try and discover what food chemicals I may be intolerant to. It is an elimination diet. Due my Coeliac Disease and possible lactose intolerance, the diet is even more restrictive.

The main foods I can eat are : chicken, beef, green beans, celery, white potatoes, cabbage, lettuce, leeks, rice, rice cakes, rice milk, Nutelex (margarine) rice noodles, 10 cashew nuts per day only and pears in syrup. Water and decaf coffee (1 cup a day)

If I could afford it, lobster, fresh white fish, fresh crabs and scallops are also on the list of foods to eat.

I see the dietician again two weeks after starting this. I can be on this diet for up to 6 weeks.

Some other items I could have eaten are just out of our price range.

Tomorrow I am going to make a leek and potato soup.

My husband has just returned from holidays, was supposed to work this week, but his boss told him not to return to work until next week. Doesn't help financial matters much!

I'm cancelling a couple of appointments I had booked with specialists as we just can't afford them.

This morning I went for another walk. I am going to try to get myself out every morning for a walk.

Is there something about the frozen food section that sets you off? Do you know what your triggers are?

Hope you are doing okay.

Cheers from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Nat and All,

I appreciate you dropping by, thanks. Yes, it seems I have been struggling for a while now. The dietician is looking into see if my depression is affecting my digestive system, or maybe the digestive system is upsetting the depression.

I have mentioned the foods I am able to eat in the message to Quirky. It is a bit limited. As I can't have any types of flour, even the gluten free ones, I can't make any sauces to go with the food, so it is either raw, steamed or boiled in water.

Cooking two separate meals when I don't really like cooking all that much, having limited ideas on how to entertain my tastebuds at the moment and doing all the dishes is a bit of a bother. Then I tell myself I should be thankful we have food and choices!

Part of depression can be shutting yourself away from people, the forum included. I've not posted elsewhere on the forum for a while now. Maybe I can make an effort to change that.

Today I saw a lady from a different job agency. I told her some of what happened at the last place and she was horrified. Information she had received from Centrelink and from the previous agency was incorrect in so many ways! She is going to update my information.

I'm hoping the change in job agencies will help reduce my stress and anxiety and may also assist my all round health.

I came home after the appointment and slept for two hours as it had been exhausting trying to sort out the misinformation and wrong details.

Now I need to learn to trust this new lady is there to help me and not be horrible to me.

Thanks again Nat. Thinking of you and all that is going on in your life as well.

Cheers from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Grandy,

Thanks for your very kind and encouraging words. I really appr4eciate all that you have written, and the kind words of others here as well. We really do have an amazing community here!

This morning I did go for a walk and listened to the birds singing. I tried to take notice of the views around me and pushed myself to walk to the top of a small hill before I turned around to come home again.

We certainly had sunshine here Grandy! It has gone from about 16 degrees tops to over 30 degrees today and even hotter by the end of the week! Yuck!

I took time to walk around in the garden and admire the plants that are flowering.

My time in the home for the elderly went well. I enjoy helping the residents with craft and chatting while doing so. Two ladies organise the craft sessions and I just help out where I can.

Friends have invited me to join them in going to an open garden on the weekend. They want to go for lunch as well, so I am not quite sure what I will do about that yet. Depends where they want to go and what I can organise with the restaurant or café.

Guess I can still join them even if I don't eat there.

I'm trying to write down all the good points for my day and recall the things I have achieved. I think it might have been Paws and others who made that suggestion.

Thanks again for all your encouragement Grandy. I really do appreciate everyone's helpful words and amazing kindness.

Cheers from Dools

[Quercus]

Hi Mrs D,

I hope the last few days since you posted have been good to you. It never fails to make me smile when I read you finding positives no matter how bleak the situation feels. It is something I admire so much about you.

Your diet options sound good for me which just shows how everyone has different tastes. You mentioned rice is allowed and I wonder does the same apply for rice flour? If you have a good blender you can make it by blitzing rice into a powder (but it is easier to buy and is usually in the gluten free aisle). They also make rice pasta which is good but you cook it less so it keeps it's shape.

We make a Polish dish called golabki which I love where you mince beef and rice and wrap in blanched cabbage leaves then cook. They are my favourite comfort food. Perhaps looking to different cuisines might help you find new ideas?

If the cashews don't cut it as a snack you can blend them until they become a paste (I make homemade peanut butter that way too). It makes a good dip for the celery.

I hope it's not too overwhelming me sharing ideas. You mentioned having no energy and I get that completely. It is easy to give ideas sometimes and forget that it can make people feel worse. I hope that I haven't made you feel that way.

Thinking of you today Mrs D and hoping you are feeling even a little better.

Love Nat