DEPRESSION: Fight it or embrace it?

[Doolhof]

Right now I feel like I don't have the energy to do either. Just existing is difficult enough. I've been trying to "float" this one out but the Black Dog is right there trying to drag me under.

My Psychologist tells me to embrace the depression, to accept it, to make the most of those rotten days when you feel like you can't do a thing. To just live with it and the sting of the depression will ease away. If I don't feed it, it will give up.

I must be doing something wrong as all that seems to do is escalate how horrid I feel, I break down in tears and feel like "what is the point" this monster is winning.

Depression. BPD. Stress. Suicidal thoughts. Maybe I do need to find ways to embrace these issues before they totally destroy me. But how?

Maybe I could try poetry, I've already painted a couple of pictures showing what is going on in my head, maybe more paintings or drawings might help get the muck out.

I'm just so tired and exhausted. Mental health issues suck!

Fighting it is exhausting. Trying to embrace it is soul destroying.

ACCEPTANCE! Where the hell is ACCEPTANCE! Think it ran away with HOPE!

Wishing you all a sense of acceptance and hope!

Cheers from a battered feeling Dools

[Doolhof]

Hey Chloe,

Thanks. Laughter certainly does help. On really dark days I look for funny clips on the computer to watch or enjoy watching animals doing cute things. Helps to lift my spirits!

Quite often in the Op Shop I will walk around and just give people a Cheery greeting, some people look so shocked by this! Some give me a greeting and a smile in return.

One lady hung around in the shop for ages today, her baby had a really stinky nappy! I was just about vomiting and still trying to smile! Now that took a huge effort! Ha. Ha.

Cheers from Dools.

[demonblaster]

Geez Dools do they know what the cause is for your ticker, do you get breathless and or Angina. Sorry another question do the op shop co workers know of your heart? My late love had heart probs 3rd heart attack when the leukaemia came on and he had 2 stents numerous problems and angina most of the time poor darling. Horrid health

A friend has similar he has tachycardia (fast) really bad and they can't do anything he also has bradycardia (slow) it'd be frightening I'd think. You poor thing if you're able try and grab someone say heart and or get to a seat if you can in case you do go out to it or lean on something which you may do these things. Can't say your GP gets too excited does he need a reminder this is your heart 🤐

You have pretty poor health with your back too don't you, ohhh yeah nerve pains the ultimate I know very well excrutiating back pain from bulging discs. Some specific nerve pain meds worked mostly for my love though still pain but side effect is tiredness I've heard a lot benefit from them too.I'm finding walking hills is making the outs a lot less severe tho at times 😨😭😬 unbelievable I often have screamed trying to get out of bed so full empathy.

I'll have a go at your gentle positive self talk although I'm hearing and understanding not to fight depression I've had success firm talking it on a few occasions. Did it help you?

Thanks Doolsy I do in my thread still talk like I do wanna gunna etc but so many other aspects of communication I fail but want to and am learning here because dah another time ☺

Your welcome do you want me to remind you other times or sporadically if not all good

Okelly dokelly enjoy a painfree I hope sleep and no heart parties, love you said that I giggled ...oh how caring 😅

Nigh nite everyone

🐣

[Chloe_M]

Hello everyone,

Well where I am the sun is shining ☀️and there are birds chirping 🕊 it's like a Disney movie come to life 😄

I have come to embrace my depression. I find that if fight it, it worsens. And I don't have the energy to fight it anyway. I have accepted that it is a part of me, but it does not define me. It shapes my life but not all of it.

And im done hiding. The first step to addressing a problem is awareness right? I'm done saying 'I'm okay' and 'I'm fine'. Because I'm not. And I'm sick of being a liar.

This morning I went for a bike ride. At first, I didn't want to, my inner critic was saying stuff to me and I was anxious and I wasn't at all motivated. So I said no to the bike ride. And then I thought, wait a minute, I just let MI win. So i took back what I said, got dressed and rode for over an hour along the track around the bay. I just got back now. It's like a few weeks ago at bowling- I acknowledged the depression and anxiety and then told them to get lost. The black dog and the feral cat were running behind me on my bike this morning, trying to catch up. But I didn't let them 😎

Go me!

Anyone else got any stories of how they embraced/fought their MI today?

chloe 💛

[Doolhof]

Hi DB and All,

Last time my heart went a bit crazy I did black out and had an ambulance ride to the hospital. Not much was done about it, the Dr doesn't seem to know what the problem is and the tests I had done don't show anything too disturbing. Just one of those things apparently!

Maybe I am a bit too causal about it all! Yes, the ladies in the Op Shop know I have a bit of an issue but I didn't tell them I was feeling so crook on Thursday. Today I don't feel quite as bad so hopefully tomorrow I will feel better still.

I managed to do some gardening today. It seemed almost as soon as I started to pick up the sticks and bark my back complained, then all the various nerve impinging happened now and then. I was really cheesed off and became a little depressed and frustrated.

So I went to the shed, brought out the long handled clippers and attacked some bramble roses that have grown huge and are taking over. We also have some horrible tree that sends out runners. The resulting trees that grow are covered in huge thorns. I managed to cut down some of those today as well.

Now I have less depression as I feel like I achieved something. My back and various bits of my legs affected by the nerve pinching in the back feel like they have been trampled on and the heart has decided to behave itself now I am sitting down again.

Let's see what tomorrow brings!

Cheers from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Chloe and All,

Chloe, I love the story about the black dog and the feral cat trying to catch you while you were riding your bike! Congratulations for changing your mind and going for that ride.

I had planned to do some gardening today, than almost talked myself out of it after lunch. Part of my mind was telling me I would be a lot better off just going to bed for the afternoon.

If you read the message I sent to DB you will see that I combatted the depression and did get stuck into some gardening. To be honest, at one time I was almost in tears, accepted how I felt and kept going.

I had a couple of surprises while I was in the garden as the neighbour with the barking dog said "hello" when she saw me and we had a very brief chat and later when I was bringing the washing in, one of the other neighbour's cats came up to me and let me pat her.

It was lovely out in the sun.

All the best Chloe with accepting your depression and deciding to do things even when you don't feel like it!

Cheers all from Dools

[Chloe_M]

Hi Dools,

haha yes, the dog and cat couldn't keep up with me!

Good on you for doing gardening. You might have enjoyed a nice relaxing rest but I'm sure you were feeling pretty good after some quality time spent among the plants🌷 Im sorry, if you have said before I don't remember, what do you grow in your Garden?

Thats nice of your neighbour. are you surprised because you have never really chatted before, or did they just surprise you ( like sneak up on you)? Also I love cats 🐱 Went to a friends house on Friday with my best friend and 3 others. The friend who owns the house has 5 cats but one ran away and lives down the street. All his cats are very well behaved and calm and love being scratched behind the ears, unlike my Anxiety Kitty 🙀. Was nice to see them all (my friends, but also the cats lol). I was very anxious that morning but it went away quickly.

All the best to you too 🤗❤️

Chloe 😄

[demonblaster]

Hey Doolsy and everyone

Doolsy lady you're nothing short of inspirational.

Good job getting those thorns under control and the rose bush trimmed.

Would be good to know why your hearts partying. How awful going through that 🤗

Looks like it's going to be a glorious day here, birdies are singing the odd dog barking, a new day dawns on us all.

Chloe loven you kept ahead off the Black dog and feral cat 👍

Peace in your days every one ☺

Take good care Doolsy 🌹

[Doolhof]

Hi Chloe and DB and All reading,

Animals are lovely aren't they. It is excellent the cats were friendly Chloe and you could spend some time with them. Our cat was a rescue cat and she does not like her touching her much at all and never sits on our laps. She does sit in the same room as us most of the time and does a few funny things now and then.

Our garden is 5 acres of half dead everything after this prolonged dry summer. Well no, that is my depressed brain speaking! Some plants have died including native trees and bushes which is such a shame. I have just not been able to keep up with the watering.

In some places we have slight banks of dirt, when I am watering, the soil is so dry, the water is just running right off and down the hill. A lovely constant slow drizzle of rain for 24 hours would be lovely.

This morning in bed the black dog and the feral cat were fighting over who was going to dominate me this morning, so I am trying to listen to them, accept they are there, throw them both some huge bones to gnaw on for a while and get on with my day!

DB the Doctor is a 20 kilometre drive away so I am not really all that excited about going back and forth trying to get answers about what is happening when no answers seem to be available. I figure it will either get better or it will get worse. If it gets too much worse I will try and see one of the Drs again. If it gets really bad I will go to the hospital or call an ambulance.

Meanwhile I will get on with today, accept the black dog is nipping at my heels and that darn feral cat is trying to wrap itself around my head!

Unlike Chloe I don't have a bike to ride so I will go for a walk a bit later, I don't run either so a brisk walk it will be.

Hope you both have a lovely day and the same to all of you who are reading.

I'm going to work on using helpful thoughts today and acceptance that parts of my day might not be great, but that doesn't mean the whole day has to be flushed down the gurgler!

Cheers all from Dools

[Chloe_M]

Hi Dools, (wave to DB 👋❤️)

I think the good thing about your garden being half dead is that it makes it a little project for you- maybe to work on it to turn it into a beautiful little oasis like it probably was before 🌻🌷

hahah had some funny visuals of the dog and cat chasing you and wrapping around your head 😂

Hope your day is peaceful- a walk sounds lovely, I'd go for one too but it's cold and windy in my part of the country lol

x Chloe

[Doolhof]

Hi Chloe,

Thanks for the cheery message. Over the 5 years we have lived here, I have learnt what will survive the heat of the summer and the severe winter frosts. This last summer was a real scorcher, so a lot of plants died. I have decided to care for the plants that have survived and not fuss over the ones that didn't make it.

As my back continues to deteriorate, there will be less physical work I will be able to do in the garden, so now is the time to make the most of what we do have, enjoy it, and maintain it to a manageable level.

Removing the dead plants helps to improve the look of what is surviving. A bit like our mental health issues, if we can learn to control and cut out some of the negative and unhelpful thoughts, we can find more helpful and positive ways to move forward. A bit like helping a garden to flourish, the more we work on the mind, the more we benefit!

I'm going to tackle a bit more of the garden this afternoon.

I did go for a walk yesterday, it was lovely.

Cheers to you and all, from Dools