Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[White_Rose]

Dear Yvemarie

Hello. Glad you found your way here. Sadly we know all the comments made to and about those people who have a mental illness. I think there are people who either have some understanding of mental illness and/or are able to accept that it is a real illness.

Eventually I believe it will be accepted in the same way as having the 'flu or any other illness and with it support for those unfortunate enough to be in this situation. Well, we have moved past the days of lunatic asylums and horrendous treatments. Who knows, the treatments used today may be considered barbaric in the future.

If you browse some of the other forums you will find people talking about much the same difficulties that you describe. Look in the Carers- supporting family and friends with mental illness, Relationship and Family Issues, Stigma and Discrimination, Depression. Please add your comments to any of the threads. I think you will find help and support with those who have experiences similar to yours. You can also start your own thread if you think it is very different to other threads. Starting a separate thread on something already under discussion means you may miss out on some replies and also sharing your story with those in the same position.

Meanwhile you are very welcome to add your comments here and share your experiences.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

It's really good chatting with you. You make me laugh a lot and in a world that is not often amusing I find this a treat. But yes, it's a good cover for other emotions. As I get older I find myself talking more easily. Perhaps I am losing my inhibitions? Or maybe I feel more confident about my own opinions.

Last year I went through a bad time. I lost interest in many of the hobbies and activities I used to find enjoyable. Reading went quite quickly, as you say, one or two pages before I put the book down. TV was another casualty. I don't think I watch much usually but I found so many programs that I enjoyed previously were just too emotional for me and I switched off the box. In the end I think I was reduced to watching reruns of Escape to the Country.

I mediate, usually once a day but I aim for twice a day. I have been doing this for the past15 years on and off. It gives me an inner sense of peace and I find I am learning about myself as well. At other times I sit out on the patio with one or two books, a cup of coffee, my meditation CD and let myself simply be. I was unable to do this last year because my head was too jumbled, but this year I found myself changing.

It's been a time of healing for me after several years of emotional trauma. And much to my delight I can read again. There was a time when I went to book club with a shameful tale of unread books. I enjoyed the company of the other readers and their insights into whichever book I should have read. And they cared for me by just being there. Once you find a group of people who care for each other it's amazing how much brighter the world looks. I have been a member of that book club for about 14 years.

I have noticed recently the number of people who comment how helpful and comforting it has been to write on BB. Many comment that we are the only people who understand what they have experienced. And of course it makes sense. So answer those posts that strike a chord with you. Talk about your own relevant experiences, it helps others to know they are not alone. It's often not advice that people want, more a place to offload their worries and cares about a subject that is taboo in many households. And to know someone had listened and cared. Think about what you get here and what has helped you. The same thing helps others as well.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi White Rose,

I'm glad to bring a smile, that is rewarding. I wonder if I'll find it easier to talk as the years tick over. In particular women are terrifying to talk to but typing is easier. I really wonder if I will ever get past that and the panic attacks. It would be nice to be able to keep breathing normally around women, I get enough weird looks.

It is great you can relax and meditate, that is amazing, I've tried a couple of times but I'm a meditation class drop out. Or rather I was kicked out of one class because I upset the force, or the matrix or whatever was going on. I get annoyed and too agitated. I have to pass out to relax, but that works for me.

You can probably tell the last 48 hours have not been some of my best. I like paying it forward and the satisfaction from helping people, It does not seem to come full circle though.

I even went to try an talk to a guy I know, used to be my boss but we were friends. after the last couple of days I really need to talk to someone and find out if I am as screwed up as I think. When we caught up the first words out of his mouth were "so glad you called, my life is shit right now and I need some advice" .... waaaahhh!!!

An hour and a half later, he's a lot happier and I'm a couple of points further up the stressed scale. He's dropping comments about how well I do, and how I always keep my head. I must deserve an acting award, I think everyone can see what a train wreak I am, but they can't. Are they blind? I just can't get my head around that.

My luck tends to run this way. Yes I'm offloading, otherwise I'm going to burst and I really couldn't stomach cleaning up the resulting mess.

[White_Rose]

Please do keep unloading if only to prevent the mess. Yes, it is often the way that someone will dive in with their problems just before you can draw breath to talk about yours. That's one of the advantages of talking to a psychologist. They are paid to keep quiet and listen. How about trying again with a psych. Make sure it's a man though, just in case you cannot hold your breath for long enough.

And when you are talking to him, close your eyes lightly and tell your story. It is definitely easier. Later you can keep your eyes open.Back in the days of Freud etc the doctor used to sit out of sight of the patient. I have always thought it strange, but having done the eyes shut routine I can see the benefits. It feel as though you are talking to yourself as it all pours out. Worth thinking about anyway.

Another thing to consider is your friend who gained so much relief from talking. Letting it all out is good. I will look for your posts on other forums as well as here.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Thank you White Rose, or do you prefer Mary? What is the protocol here?

Yes, I'll try to minimize mess, mess is not helpful. I wish I could clean up my act and be less of a mess. I wish the AD/happy pills had actually made me happy. I parked at work this morning and for the second day had a wee cry to kick the day off right.

Fantastic way to start the day, don't recommend it. The harder I try the more depressed I get.

I'm trying to get a booking with my psychologist I have been seeing, for some strange reason I've been able to talk to her more than any person in my life ever. Yes, the fact that money changes hands and she actively listens, asks rather pointed questions, and gives me exercises and homework is positive. I was referred to her for her skill with PTSD and she has helped me through some of that. She has pointed out that I have been able to confide in her without oxygen deprivation setting in. So it is possible.

I don't know how many so called professionals I've seen, with varying results. I think now she is the best in decades and the first worth the money. The two men I saw were very disappointing, one actually fell asleep while I was rambling on. Seriously!?!?!?. The other, was probably not from this planet and should be sent home.

I don't want to talk to my old boss, he has his hands full. But I've reached out to an old friend who knows some of my history first hand. I feel ashamed sharing with him, but I need to get a second opinion before the top of my head pops. I have lost a couple of friends to too much sharing, and for me friends are very hard to come by.

The old saying "a friend in need is a friend indeed" really rings true doesn't it. I'll find out in a couple of days. I had a couple of ex friends who subscribed to "a friend in need is a PIA".

Thanks for replying to my ramblings.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

I love your picture. Makes me want to pick him up and cuddle her. As I keep saying, the more you try to keep it in the more it will escape, usually at the most embarrassing moment.

The psychologist sounds fantastic. I would love to swop names as we are both in Brisbane, at least I think so, but of course we can't. Just looking for a good psych. A good taskmaster by the sound of it. Did you do your homework? I love that you can talk to her without being deprived of oxygen. Better hang on to this one.

I went to a psychiatrist 15 years ago and he used to fall asleep when I spoke to him. Really gives the ego a boost. Were your blokes psychologists or psychiatrists?

Sadly AD do not make you happy. Sorry if I have destroyed your illusions. They help to re-balance the brain chemicals and give you a firm platform to stand on while you learn to become happy. You can't escape from the hard work.

I am so pleased you have been able to reach out to a friend, especially one that has some knowledge of your past life. I spoke to someone today and started crying. Both were unexpected. Didn't intend to have the chat and certainly not to weep. Yes I felt silly but not regretful. While I was talking she asked a pertinent question and I was looking for my tissues. Ah black dog, thy name is depression.

I am now signing off as I am almost late for my meditation group. White Rose or Mary is fine. No particular protocol.

By the way, I enjoy your ramblings.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

You are so kind and sweet, glad you like the picture. Yes stuff does leak out at times when you try and bottle it up. I still have so much bottled up, most of a life time. Slowly leaking out.

I wonder at times if it would be better to explode, but I'm not the type. I keep it all bottled inside, letting stuff out has not had a happy ending for me over most of my life. Still have the scars from that.

Yes, I just got edited in another thread so I read the rules. . Understand.

She is good I feel, for me anyway. Heck she is smart, I'd rather not be specific but she kind of pokes me with questions that seem unrelated until I stumble over a large answer I was avoiding. Then sits there with an enigmatic smile waiting quietly while the penny drops through the rusted inner working of my head. I've had quite a few light bulb, penny drop, Doh!! moments. She actually suggested coming here, another of her good ideas that has helped.

I try hard to do the homework, we are still trying things out on me. I tried relaxation/meditation and the hippy running it asked me to leave. I just couldn't and I was distracting him and the class. I'm a relaxation class drop out, that usually gets a few laughs.

I don't know what the guys were, other than expensive and useless. The sleeper was in a lovely office on Wickham Terrace, which does not say much since 75% of the phyco's in Brissy are there. Yes, it does slap your ego in the face doesn't it.

I was tried on two varieties of AD's, one caused almost debilitating migraines and a list of other wonderful outcomes, the other caused violent reflux and the tossing of the cookies. Throwing up into a trash can in an open office is wonderful, then when your co-workers ask if you have morning sickness ... does not help a blokes state of mind if its already in said trash can.

Still waiting to get friend time, hopefully tomorrow. Don't know what to say, I'm more than a little ashamed with how I've wrecked my life now. I value someone actually liking me, I don't want to drive him away. One stumble at a time eh? That black dog has a heck of a bite.

Thank you. I really appreciate your comments and your time.

[White_Rose]

Leaking a bit at a time is good. Probably neither you nor your psych would cope with the full monty. Now there's an imagine to conjure with.

The bloke I saw was in Auchenflower so probably two different animals. I hadn't realised how hard they worked if they needed to have a nap while someone was talking to them. So you need not worry about doing your job in your sleep, it's obviously acceptable.

Exciting reactions you've had with your ADs. I've never had a reaction that bad, except one where I felt as though I was drunk or similar. I knew I was talking rubbish but I couldn't shut up. Mind you, my friends tell me I am always like that so maybe it wasn't the meds. The psych sat and watched me and had a huge smile on his face. Thankfully I cannot remember anything I said.

The problem with good psychs is that they know what gets you going and do not hesitate to push your buttons. All you can say is, that it's good for you. She is not pushing you too fast so I suggest you just go with the flow.

Are there any other activities you enjoy. I have a couple of volunteer jobs. I help people who have not learned to read and write to connect with their communities in any way. These people have been the slow learners at school and many were sent out of the classroom when young because they held the others back. Doesn't happen much these days (I hope), but gave them a double disadvantage in life. Basic literacy skills go a long way.

How about this comment? A bit trite but...A friend is a person who knows all about you and loves you just the same. I rather like this. No idea where I saw it but it obviously made an impression. I have some friends of that calibre and I am slowly learning to trust them more. Last year I had to have radiation treatment after surgery for breast cancer. My friends organised themselves to provide a driver for every day for the three weeks of treatment. I was exhausted at the end, because that's what it does, and I wonder how much more tired I would have been had I driven myself to the Mater every day.

Tell me about what floats your boat. You mentioned reading, but there must be other things you did or would like to do.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Wow, you must have a huge heart and be so caring. Sounds like you give so much, and have been through so much. I am so sorry to hear about you battle and the radiation therapy. That is really hard, I've been close a few people who have been through it. My Dad just a few years ago.

That is amazing you have such great friends, what a special circle of people you must be.

You must be outgoing and be able to make friends, I so envy that. I have never had that ability, one more thing I should have learn as a kid I suppose. People scare the heck out of me often, most of the time actually.

I'm afraid my boat sails low in the water these days, this week has been a real sinker. I have homework to find something to do that makes me happy, and I'm beating my brains out trying to find it. It is hard to describe, but almost nothing makes me happy anymore. I can't read or concentrate. I'm feeling more like a lost space cadet, with all the mess in my head I just feel so tired and numb all the time. I'll pass out quite well on the couch, but don't sleep in the bed. Luckily I still have some sleeping pills, and have been desperate enough to take them. I hate pills, they don't agree with me. I'm taking half the dose my doctor prescribed and feel like rubbish in the morning. Annoyingly sometimes they work, and other times they keep me up.

I've had a full suite of blood and brain chemistry run on me twice, and I'm due for a followup in a few weeks. Lucky I'm not scared of needles, I've been needled all my life. I think they are still trying to figure out what is up with my head though, it has them and me foxed.

Seriously nothing floats my boat, the air is out of my sails, my eyes are full of salt spray. Etc.

She with the massive note pad has suggested volunteering also, but it would involve people and that's where the idea dies. She said they wont care if a 300 lb gorilla helps then as long as they get help, but I'm not that big. The idea is nice, but it terrifies me right now.

Sorry, I go in cycles. Some weeks I can get through well, other weeks hurtle down hill like this one.

I'm sorry to frustrate you, I must seem like a PIA to most people.

[QldMouse]

Oh well, it is official. I do not have a single friend left in the world. I have a few aquainteneces that really don't want to talk about anything deep and disturbing. If you have no family you can trust, and no friends, the only solution is to seek professional help isn't it.

I don't get what I do wrong, I have helped so many people deal with personal issues, and care so much about people and their outcomes. Why am I so hopeless at finding someone to talk to? Why do I fail at finding friends?

I would really like to know why I'm so unlikable.