Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

I love the fun thought of Mr Feisty and Sir Pecks eating the petals off the flowers. You would be getting reminders all the time, like their spirits are still there doing what they do. That is really hard of course too. Grief is an extremely strange thing where we have these bittersweet memories that are both beautiful and painful at the same time. I was watching a video that spoke about metabolising emotions this morning, and how it's a case of just allowing them and letting them unfold. The intensity of the emotion can often ease a little when we allow it to just come out and be. I certainly know in the past I would often brace against emotions.

The sound healing I used to go to was a group that met once a week and several facilitators would play different instruments - singing bowls, didgeridoo, rattles, flutes and whistles, drums, etc. They would also sing. They would weave a tapestry of sound around a particular theme while participants lay on a mat with a blanket. I only went some of the time, not every week. But by the second session I was already going into waking dreams, essentially fully dreaming while knowing I'm still awake. It had a different quality to sleep dreaming and usually involved very healing imagery that resolved something. We were encouraged to set an intention at the beginning and then just let things unfold. I had some very healing visions but also occasionally some scary ones linked to past trauma, yet I felt held in the space and the waking dream would be healing the trauma issue. It's very much like the kind of shamanic healing people do with plant medicines except no psychedelics were involved, and my mind was quite capable of psychedelic effects without taking any.

With regard to the therapist, I saw her yesterday, and her justification for trying the EMDR the way she did was the assumption that the somatic work I had done with her already was something she thought had sufficiently prepared me. But EMDR is very different to Somatic Experiencing. The latter is gentler and more predictable as you are working intuitively with what arises for the individual in the moment, whereas EMDR is more procedural, programmatic and impersonal and there is much more potential for unpredictable responses such as flooding and retraumatisation. That is why the careful development of target memories, resourcing and containment strategies beforehand are essential to the process to minimise these risks, and she skipped all of those steps. I'm still feeling uneasy about the idea of going forward with her. I did see another psych for a second opinion a couple of weeks ago who is from a neurodivergent background and has neurodivergent kids. She would at least be understanding of that part of me. I wasn't quite as sure about her thoughts on dissociative conditions but it's hard to tell at this point. So I may switch psychs or just quit therapy for a while and work on strategies on my own or other body-based therapies which I often find helpful. The current psych is offering 3 free sessions and is remorseful for what she did, which I appreciate, but something still isn't sitting quite right. I agree with you 100% - trust your gut.

Interoception and alexithymia can definitely be significant in autism. When they present in me I think it has a lot to do with dissociation - so they are all linked. One way to pretty much ensure that I will go blank is to ask me what I feel in my body, and I know that is largely connected with trauma and early conditioning. I have the neurodivergent stuff going on as well including a high level of sensory sensitivity which can also send me into overwhelm and dissociation. So it all intermingles and I become just a jumbled mass of confusion and blankness. Working with my current psych I had managed to get better at articulating what my body is feeling and I do actually find it really helpful. I would have been quite happy to keep processing this way and developing this skill, but I almost have the sense my psych was impatient with me and wanted me to progress faster, hence throwing in the EMDR to see if that would speed things up. I'm glad you have found the EMDR helpful. It can definitely do that thing of connecting current issues with past memories and experiences and seeing how they relate. It's great you have worked out a way to do it yourself. Yes, the cards idea is a good one.

It's lovely you are enjoying the garden and the mix of rain and shine. We've had quite a bit of lovely rain. The New Holland Honeyeaters have been very active in large groups in my garden, chattering away.

Kind thoughts and hugs to you too,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

They did so many adorable things like that. I had a little plant once for about 3 years and never saw a flower on it until one day, there was a tiny pink flower. As I admired it, down swoops Sir Pecks, and CHOMP! I still laugh when I think about it, dear little bird. Yes, grief does make those memories bittersweet, they are both beautiful and frought with longing for our sons. Yeah, I came across the "art of allowing" when I was learning about mindfulness, which talked about letting emotions just be there and not fighting them. I developed a bit of a practice of talking to them, acknowledging them, telling them I hear them and that either I understand what they're trying to say or don't yet and will be open to understanding as it comes. Then I get about my day and just let it be there. That said, depression works a bit differently, the feelings can keep escalating out of control very easily without some very deliberate intervention, whether that comes as active therapeutic techniques, meds, or try and find something to hyperfocus on (which admittedly may or may not work, if the brain wants to hyperfocus on the trauma).

Okay, sounds interesting. I don't get the impression I'd get the same out of it that you did, but I'm glad you found it mostly helpful.

I find your therapist's reasoning deeply flawed. How exactly does doing one therapy in any way prepare you for a very very different therapy you have not been informed about or had any risk-minimising strategies applied to before proceeding? I call BS. That's dodgy as, and your uneasiness is wholly justified. I'm glad you've looked into a second opinion. And please don't feel like that person has to be the end of your search if you find yourself feeling that they are also not fully appropriate to work with your specific set of struggles, it may take a third opinion or a fourth (and many do therapy by video call if you find a good one that isn't local); or as you say, it's equally valid to take a break and explore other options if you aren't feeling safe with any particular therapist right now. Sounds like your compassion and your self preservation are struggling a bit to come to an accord re your current psych. I think it's okay to forgive her if you feel it's appropriate and move on if things aren't sitting right. Your gut knows how to proceed. Going by what you've described to me, my gut is feeling big alarm bells for your safety and an instinct to protect you from this person.

Yep, they sure are. I'd say the same for me, some of it's from difficulty processing the physical/emotional feedback, some of the struggle comes from dissociation, which more fully disconnects me from my body and emotions (though sometimes, by comparison, I may have a heightened experience of one or the other - usually sensory - typically with diminished connection/feeling in the one that isn't heightened). I understand that, though I think it's more ND than trauma related for me - zoning in on specific parts and moving them helps most in clarifying sensations. I think "What do you feel in your body?" is too broad, too much to process at once and I blank out. Sounds like your experience is quite different from mine, though I do understand it. I'm glad you had some progress with the techniques you've been working on with your present psych. Whatever her motivation, the EMDR was a really bad experiment, and any good therapist (especially a truama-informed one) knows you can't rush healing - attempts to do so inevitably set it back severely. Safety is the no. 1 priority. I continue to be very tentative and self-directed with EMDR at home, it's paired quite well with a somatic exercise my psych gave me. She asked me to try a period of shaking (5-10 mins), an equal period of swaying, then a period of quiet reflection/meditation, each of which I do with music. I choose to finish with binaural music and crossing my arms to tap each of my shoulders with the opposite hand (the music and the tapping both stimulating connection between the brain hemispheres) as I reflect, which I find helps me process my thoughts and make connections I might not otherwise make about whatever was on my mind when I began the exercise. If hard memories come up, I talk myself through my present-day safety and power as an adult to remain safe going forward, which has thus far worked well. I choose my topics with care for this, big triggers are a no-no. I hope you find cards helpful, just having them handy has done wonders for me, knowing I have a back-up has made me less stressed in public and I have thus not actually needed to use them. Funny, that.

It is. The New Holland honeyeaters are flourishing in my yard too, they are so active and squeak a lot around dawn and dusk. I love them.

Stabilising hugs,

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I came across a post yesterday that I found surprisingly helpful. It was talking about animal assisted therapy. What it said was that through their expressions of feeling relaxed or safe, the animals close to us signalled safety to our nervous systems. I'm painfully aware of how much Mr Feisty and Sir Pecks aided me in being mindful and present, but somehow that particular piece of the picture had got by me.

I guess being as how most of my healing has happened in the last few years, and Mr Feisty was present for the entirety of that, I had no point of comparison for how my nervous system might feel at home without a little bird present. Until recently, since his death, at which point I found myself feeling profoundly unsafe and constantly triggered, dysregulated and frequently dissociated - despite having for the most part cognitively processed my safety in my present environment.

The post got me thinking, and talking to hubby. Concluding that he, too, has been showing signs of reverting to coping strategies from days in which he did not feel safe. Though he was not actively feeling unsafe (shutting down is his strategy, ergo not feeling it), examination told him he was also not actively feeling safe. With both of us not feeling wholly safe, we have been unwittingly signalling to each other that we are not necessarily safe at home. Which feeds alertness, further reduces the sense of safety, increases the signals we send to each other that we are not safe, etc. 

It's eye-opening to realise how heavily and unknowingly we have both relied on Mr Feisty to feel safe, even as our whole hearts were bent on keeping him safe. The knowledge has given us pause, and genuinely some relief as we now know our bodies need to know what our minds already understand. We have taken on the work of identifying the things that make us feel fully safe - mentally and deep in the nervous system - and providing or facilitating those things for ourselves and each other. Another step on the healing journey, to not pass on such a burden to another child if/when we adopt another bird. There is a long way to go, but this is a light at the end of the tunnel we haven't seen since Mr Feisty died. Even now he continues to teach us, our perfect and wise little bird.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

That is positive news that you have been able to identify that you and hubby have been feeling not quite safe after the passing of Mr Feisty. It makes so much sense. He would have been such a stabilising influence. I think just as we can co-regulate with other humans, we can do it with animals too, and the connection with animals is often especially pure because they relate often in a more direct way than other humans. They are truly real and genuine in their interactions. I had thought about mentioning the possibility of getting another bird but I wasn't sure if it was too soon to make such a suggestion. I imagine if you do adopt another one it will really fill your attention and hearts again, but it has to be when you feel ready of course.

What you mention about our bodies needing to know even if our minds already understand is a principle of Somatic Experiencing. The focus in SE is often on a completion response the body has been wanting to do so it can feel safe again. It's like what I have been going through with the EMDR. I know I am technically safe but my body thinks I'm in grave danger. So I am exploring all the somatic options I can so that my body knows it is safe.

Thanks for the comments re: my psych. I totally get you calling BS and something in me is doing so to a degree as well. What gets me is a few weeks prior to the EMDR she said she wasn't an expert on dissociative disorders when I seemed to be presenting with one, and she said she thought the treatment would be medication and trauma therapy. I already knew from my own reading there is no medication treatment for dissociative disorders, only psychotherapy, so that puzzled me. Then in the second last session just over a week ago she tells me she is treating someone with full DID with EMDR and they have had no problems with it. This is strange to me, as she sounded like she didn't know much about dissociative disorders before and now she's saying she treats someone with DID, the most severe dissociative disorder. I feel like I'm finding holes in what she is telling me. My very literal and categorically honest autistic brain (I'm sure yours is the same) struggles with these inconsistencies.

The other thing that has bothered me is she is really into certain forms of new age psychology and Joe Dispenza in particular. I know a few people on this forum really like Joe Dispenza, but I have always got a really bad feeling from him and felt his whole approach is a very bad fit for me with the specific early complex trauma issues I have. I told my psych about my feelings on this more than 2 years ago, but she still comes at me from a perspective aligned with his approach at times and it makes me very uncomfortable. Basically his model says you can build a whole new personality and eliminate your past trauma and health issues through his meditation techniques and changing your thoughts. While I agree there is some healing we can do with thoughts, with the trauma I have, I have to start with the body because so much of it stems from precognitive and preverbal trauma. Dispenza's approach is quite victim blaming - if you are not successful with his methods then he argues there is something wrong with your thinking, attitude and personality. For me trauma healing is about relational safety - allowing the nervous system to gradually know what safety is and release/discharge stored trauma in a manner that feels supported and safe. It's a process of allowing, not one of trying to use the intentional ego to remove "negative" emotions and replace them with "positive" ones. Dispenza conflates primary emotions in the visceral nervous system with secondary emotions which are reactions to the primary ones, and that is very problematic and even dangerous with trauma. His energy just feels wrong and unsafe to me, yet I feel like my psych holds me to his standards at times which makes me feel even more unsafe. Yet, in other ways my psych has been so kind and supportive, so it's very confusing... (over word count)...

[Eagle Ray]

... Sorry, I just wrote a lot. But these are the things I'm grappling with going forward. What is so confusing is my psych also uses Somatic Experiencing which is the total opposite of Joe Dispenza's approach. With SE you are working gently with the body based on your own pace, titration and relational safety. With Dispenza's approach it is more forced via his directive meditations and especially so for those who attend the highly controlled environment of his very expensive retreats (which I know without question would leave me traumatised and flooded, just like the poor administration of the EMDR did). Anyway, I'm obviously becoming increasingly doubtful at the moment.

I like the way you described doing your EMDR and how your psych has given you somatic exercises to support it. It sounds like you are managing it really well and in a self-healing way. I hope that that and your new awareness re: Mr Feisty and the lovely support and companionship between you and hubby will improve things in healing ways in the coming weeks. I'm glad you have the New Holland Honeyeaters too!

Big hugs,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Yes, our little birds were both huge stabilising influences for us. You're right about how honestly animals interact. As we finally saw some results in our healing over the last few years, Mr Feisty's body language became so much more relaxed, and in turn definitely helped us feel safer and heal a bit more. That attunement and co-regulation is real. He responded to our emotions, we responded to his. And of course we are responding to each other's, which are a bit of a mess without Mr Feisty's influence. Recognising that is a huge step toward further healing. Instead of assuming it's grief alone (which granted is a lot in itself, but turns out isn't the only thing in the mix) and spiralling when hubby seems shut down or distant, I know he isn't quite feeling safe, and can address that directly through conversation, touch, and/or any of the other things we wrote down along the way that he associates with safety. He can do the same for me. It's an important breakthrough. You're not the first person to say you're glad I'm the one to bring up adopting another bird. Admittedly I do think it's the sort of thing a bereaved animal parent needs to come to on their own. You can't replace a child. We do want to take the time to grieve and honour Mr Feisty, and to prepare physically and mentally for another bird, of course, so it won't be for a while. There have been increasingly active thoughts about it though. I mean, who's going to eat our flowers if we don't have a bird? 😉

You're right about the above being accounted for in SE. I'm still a novice with all that, so slowly finding my way and how it works for me. I hope the somatic work is helping you feel safe again after your awful EMDR experience.

No problem. Honestly, I'm gonna say it isn't your autism calling out the inconsistencies in this case, the holes in her stories are big enough to drive a truck though, even a moderately intelligent NT would pick up on them without too much trouble.

I've heard of Joe Dispenza. From what I know already, and what you have described, his approach kinda screams spiritual bypassing/toxic positivity to me. I think you're completely right to be wary of an approach like that and anyone who is trying to push you in that direction.

What I'm seeing when you talk about your psych is a real duality, kindness and support in some contexts, and some real unsafe, red flag behaviour in others. What I'm not seeing is a healthy rupture/repair cycle, it's coming with surface level remorse coupled with shady excuses or evasion, and repeated exposure to red flag behaviours. In some ways this is a lot worse than someone who is consistently unsafe, because you're getting mixed messages - being drawn in by one thing, then hurt, then drawn back, then hurt. Pretty familiar pattern to abuse survivors, and a hard one to break out of. One little quote from Patrick Teahan that I think I've told you a time or two is coming to mind very strongly as I read your message, and that is "Half-safe people aren't safe". I've found that quote very powerful, and one that has given me so much clarity about messy relationships; inevitably my peace is greatly improved by ejecting half-safe people from my life.

Technically my psych gave me the exercise and I applied EMDR to it independently, but it's working in any case. I wouldn't necessarily recommend others follow my example as results could be unpredictable, but it's working for me. Thanks, I hope so too! They really are cute, especially in the bird bath.

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

It’s so amazing how My Feisty was more relaxed when you were healing and it worked the other way too. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s like a kind of ecosystem develops (if that’s the right word 🤔) and if something changes with one being within the system it affects the others. Actually I’m sort of experiencing that with my emergent awareness of Other Specified Dissociative Disorder where anything that happens to one part affects the others. But I’m very fortunate to have good communication with my internal parts and we are co-operative. Just as you have been a family with your birds, I realise my internal system is a family of sorts. I feel like it’s partly replacing the lack of a healthy family of origin in my case, and I know you’ve spoke about how your own little family now is a healing thing relative to your family of origin too. I imagine you will know and sense when it will be time for a new feathered family member and, yes, having that little being to munch on flowers is something to look forward to ☺️

Yes, well, maybe they are inconsistencies that anyone would see. I’m very literal, so contradictions confuse me greatly. I grew up with contradictions, especially from my mother, so it is quite trauma triggering. I’m trying not to assume the inconsistencies are outright intentional lies, yet it’s not fully making sense. I know she feels genuinely bad about what’s happened but the mentioning of the person she sees now with DID having no adverse effects from EMDR did feel like an excuse for what she did with me, and doesn’t compensate for not following the core safety protocols. It really felt like she wanted to shake things up and as I hadn’t taken up previous suggestions for EMDR, it seemed like she did it by stealth in the middle of a session unexpectedly. She commented at the end, “See, you got to try something new now” which actually felt a bit patronising. I told her the other day I felt coerced and she said that was not her intention, but that’s what I felt.

Yes, spiritual bypassing and toxic positivity hits the nail on the head. I have read some horrible stories about people who’ve had psychotic breaks during his retreats and lasting damaging physiological reactions, similar to my EMDR disaster. Of course there are the glowing testimonials on his website, and I’m sure it works for some people who achieve healing results, but lurking on discussion forums are all the stories of people who’ve been damaged in some way, or spent thousands on his retreats with little benefit. He always argues that’s because of their attitude and personality rather than recognising some people’s nervous systems may simply not respond positively to his singular methods that he believes are universally effective. There is something not right about him that I can’t get past and I know it’s not right for me.

I really hoped and thought a healthy rupture and repair cycle was possible. I’ve discussed it with a counsellor at The Blue Knot Foundation and she said that I’ll know it in my body if it’s feeling right or not. And sadly the last two sessions have been followed by me feeling bad in my body. What you say about half-safe feels very relevant - sadly. I still want to believe my psych is above being half-safe, but several behaviours suggest otherwise. I think she is a religious follower of Joe Dispenza and I’m sure doesn’t like my perspective on him. But the job of a psych is to be sensitive and responsive to the needs and feelings of safety of their client, to work with what most benefits them in a collaborative way. If I’m really uncomfortable with something, she should honour that and seek to understand what is safe for me and what my nervous system actually most needs to heal. In some ways she has been really sensitive and kind to me, yet these confusion points remain. Anyway, I’m calling another therapist in the morning who mentions having a focus on dissociative disorders and does free 15 minute consults to get to know her and her approach, so I will see how I feel speaking with her… (word count again) …

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you for speaking with incisive clarity on things. I feel like I’m swimming in murky water, unable to see properly. So you are helping to clear some of the cloudiness. I always want to believe the best of people and I still think my psych has a great deal of goodness and kindness, and perhaps being human is just struggling with all that has happened. But I get a much more grounded, professional feeling after talking to the people at Blue Knot and leave the conversation with them feeling clearer and stronger, rather than confused and anxious as recent interaction with my psych has left me feeling.

That’s great you matched the somatic exercises to the EMDR work. You are coming up with great ideas for left/right brain integration. I remember Polly Samuel, the autism consultant I spoke to 9 years ago, speaking about how sometimes you will se people with autism do left/right head movements as a kind of instinctive brain integration thing. I’ve seen that in autistic kids a fair bit. David Byrne from Talking Heads now identifies as autistic and if you watch him while speaking he has those sort of head movements, much more active than a neurotypical person.

Take care and warm hugs,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

It's such a special thing, Mr Feisty was always very sensitive to our emotions and behaved differently depending on where we were at. Sir Pecks on the other hand just hopped around spreading joy no matter what was going on, haha. Ecosystem is a good word for the interconnectedness between us all. It makes sense that you'd be experiencing that with OSDD. I guess for you the Internal Family Systems psychological model is a bit more literal, with the internal parts being more distinct and individual. It's good you have a sense of co-operation between those parts and a feeling of family. Yes, my little family is a very healing counterpoint to the mess I grew up in. I am beginning to look forward to getting to know a new little bird, their traits and what sort of mischief they like to get up to, and the ways they respond to all the love they will receive. Hubby is closer to ready than I am, but I'm getting there.

Inconsistencies are unfortuately very common, and I think NTs particularly don't have our awareness of details in general. In this particular case, though, the trigger probably surrounds the significance of the inconsistencies relative to her position of power as a therapist, the implications of the misuse of that power/responsibility and how much harm you stand to come to as a result. That is, it's comparable to the parent/child dynamic, and she's showing signs of not taking your safety seriously.

I'm glad my clarity is of some help to you. I understand your confusion and desire not to see the worst in this person, and I think I know why it's so difficult to untangle for you. First of all, you're seeing empathy, which doesn't suggest she's necessarily out to harm anybody, and can feel remorse when it happens. On the other hand, you're seeing inconsistencies and irresponsible behaviour, and hearing things that don't ring true. To me, that reads as significant emotional immaturity on her part. I get the sense she's very impressionable about popular psychology and uncritically interpreting online "doctors" as authorities, which fortunately includes dabbling in SE, and unfortunately includes Dispenza's spiritual bypassing and EMDR, the latter of which she is clearly not adequately or at all trained in the use of. Also in pushing an agenda on you that you clearly didn't want and don't feel safe with - that sort of arrogance comes from emotional immaturity, as does the tactic of trying to minimise her feelings of guilt and placate you with her tall story about safely treating a DID patient with EMDR, which is frankly very unlikely given she "isn't an expert in dissociative disorders" and has demonstrated that she can't follow basic EMDR safety procedures. The struggle you're having with her mirrors the struggle I had with recognising my mother's toxicity - they're not inherently bad people with ill intent, but they are self-focused, immature and heedless of the responsibility they have toward vulnerable individuals in their care. That is to say, whatever the intent, the behaviour is bad and it does damage. My opinion on this is we don't have to hate them, but we don't have to let their immaturity explode all over our lives either. They have their own healing journey to go on that probably shouldn't involve us!

I hope your consult with the other therapist went well, and I'm thankful you had Blue Knot to talk to, they sound grounded and helpful (and I compltely agree with what they said about knowing in your body if something feels right).

Thanks. Interesting, I wasn't aware of that, might look into it.

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

That’s interesting how Mr Feisty was the super sensitive empath/sponge, absorbing whatever your and hubby’s emotions were, while Sir Pecks was just his joyful self no matter what. I guess Mr Feisty was like a way of seeing your own emotional state reflected and I suspect lots of things were going on with mirror neurons in both directions. With my two main parts/alters, I often see an emotional response in them that I’m not yet aware of in myself. I even see what are like premonitions of future emotional states or struggles. You are right, that the IFS model becomes less metaphorical and more literal in OSDD/DID. Some people with these conditions and some practitioners have reservations about the IFS model because it was designed for secondary structural dissociation, not tertiary structural dissociation. Some recommend it requires modification for OSDD/DID, otherwise it can harm the internal system. It’s like both you and I are rebuilding what a healthy, supportive family looks like. Adding a new little bird to your family will be a delightful thing I’m sure, and bring more new insights and growth through whatever unique personality they bring to your world.

Yes, I think the inconsistencies are the most troubling because of the power dynamic and the fact I’m so vulnerable in the situation. It’s like she is semi-evasive/avoidant, slightly pro-active but largely not (I’m the one doing most of the pro-activity), hesitant and fluctuating with contradictions. At times she has collapsed and I’m the one holding it together. The second time I saw her after the EMDR went wrong, she burst into tears and said she could pray for me. On the one hand it’s moving she cares, but on the other I found myself being the one holding it together and consoling her, despite the fact I was going through the horror of the symptoms. It was like the role reversal of my childhood all over again where I became the parent and had to hold it together for the other.

So I think you are right about the emotional immaturity. Even her blind belief in everything Joe Dispenza says without being able to critically evaluate it, including its appropriateness to using it with trauma clients, reflects a kind of emotional immaturity. People tend to worship Dispenza unquestionably, like an idealised parent/guru. He claims he is opening doors of unlimited potential in people, but he’s actually locking them into his way of thinking and blocking out all info that doesn’t fit his narrative. It’s actually scary, and I truly think my psych has been pushing his ideas because she really thinks they’re in my best interests and wants to draw me into the fold because she cares. I actually feel real concern for her but it’s her journey and maybe something about this situation will give her some pause/insight.

Dispenza makes people believe they are getting rid of, or transmuting, their old self and building a new self, but really what happens is the old parts of self remain, especially because he has a disparaging attitude to these parts that then go underground into the shadow. You can see video footage of him online mocking people he says are still grieving a loss after a year, for example, or still having difficulty processing a childhood trauma. His followers then repress their grief and trauma and think they are born anew. I saw exactly this happen to two housemates who were obsessed with Dispenza. They’d be creating their amazing future reality one day or week, then crashing and burning in rage and distress the next. Emotions like grief and trauma need to be metabolised, not neutralised. This works best through compassionate co-regulation and allowing and caring for those emotions on the timescale of each unique individual.

Anway, yes, the consult with the other therapist was good. She sounded quite professional and compassionate and I could feel my nervous system being reassured by that. I see her tomorrow. The other new psych I saw recently also rang yesterday to see how I was. So I have options and will see if either of these two people may be good to work with going forward.

With David Byrne, the head movement thing is less obvious in recent times I think. I don’t know if his brain is just more integrated or he is masking, or a bit of both. You can see the head movements if you watch the YouTube video “David Byrne talks about being autistic”. He is one of my very favourite creative people and he has such honesty and transparency as a human being, qualities that always make me feel at home.

Kind thoughts and hugs to you too,

ER