Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Mr Feisty came in and snuggled in bed with us for a while tonight when we settled in for a short rest. Perfect bird.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue
Mr Perfect lol... what a sweet bird Mr Feisty is! (btw I bought a Mr Perfect mug for bf years ago and he was so embarrassed lol! He drinks his coffee from this mug every morning he's home). 

I'm glad you're doing some things by yourself and for yourself. 
So nice to have K join you in your shopping adventure too. 
It's so sweet that LM supports this, not that I'm surprised, he does sound like a lovely man. 😍

Hmmm ADHD and others' notions of it. 
BF made a passing comment which infuriated me but I kept calm. He said "Every kid has ADHD until they're an adult." What? 
So offhanded. 
So uneducated. 

Sighhhh. 

ABSOLUTELY can't stand people talking to us like we've got zero clue about US and our life, anything like that. 
This happens to me ALL the time, or very regularly. 
I don't think people actually know what they're saying or how they come across OR how it makes us feel... 

it's like they need to feel superior and say whatever makes them feel superior, IDK? 

SO I say that. I do it in a roundabout way, using a similar convo recently had... painting the picture of a similar comment... and say I think ppl who tell me stupid things think they're superior (lol) - usually shuts them up. 

It's like I was born yesterday with some people. 
I wasn't! Hahaha. And have survived far worse than anyone could ever know. 

So you're in to D&D? 
Lol my grandchildren got the Children's Board Game version of D&D and it's amazing! They love it, so watch out! 

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Definitely Mr Perfect. Mr Feisty is very sweet, in his own special way. He does it very differently to Sir Pecks - they are both perfect. I like the Mr Perfect mug story.

It's good to have a breather now and then. Shopping with K was fun. Generally speaking, I don't like shopping. It was nice to get some things we needed and have them off my list, though. By myself I like to tie in doing a few errands whenever I'm out, but I've been with LM every time I've been out for months, and he just can't physically keep up, it isn't fair on him - so the stuff doesn't get done. It's been very frustrating, I spend a lot of time feeling like a racehorse stuck behind the gate.

LM is beautiful and amazing. He supports me however he can. I see his frustration too in how much he needs me, he is showing signs of feeling a lot of guilt and anger with himself, that makes me sad. He plays online games with BM a bit, so I can go play a game of my own or get some jobs done at home, that's been good for both of us.

What the heck? Did you take BF to task on that once you calmed down from the initial bewilderment at such an ignorant comment? Sounds a lot like what my mum said, "Seems like everyone has that, these days". Not cool. Ask questions, sure. Run off at the mouth with insensitive rubbish like that, absolutely not.

Yeah, I don't know what runs through the minds of people saying stuff like that. A whole lot of nothing, probably, just spewing out crap they've heard on TV or social media. Hm, you're more diplomatic than I am on such matters, I'm inclined to point out what I think of them with a hearty helping of profanity...

Yup, we love our D&D. I guess it's not surprising there's a board game version for rugrats. The whole theatre of the mind thing is wonderful, LM & BM have both been DMs for games I've played, and they make their own worlds, often homebrew the enemies (as in make their own stuff, not just what's in the books) and some of the rules. So much creative license. We players have been involved a lot in building the world of our current game, and I have been doing drawings for some quest cards we decided to try out. It's been really good.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Oh dear Blue, you'll have to expand upon your abbreviations for me! lol... DMs for games? no idea sorry... please explain lol. 

It's hard trying to manage "life" while supporting LM with his health needs. 
You're doing SO WELL! Both of you!
I can see how you're making adaptations, tweaking things to both of your tolerance levels, gently bringing in friends to enrich your lives. 
Within the constraints, you're improving the quality of your lives. Thinking outside the box. 
You're a clever girl. 

2 Mr Perfects, how wonderful. 😍😍

Sweet Blue, I thought you KNEW we were sisters. Sure I can be diplomatic and choose my battles with unteachables... lol. 
My response to BF, although seemingly calm, was steely and a little chock full of profanity BUT educational, just to the next level from where he was at. Working within his ZPD.
Yep, he hates asking questions! He sees this as a display of ignorance and low intelligence!
I see the inability to do so as arrogance, haughty superiority and an actual display of low intelligence, I've shared this. He's getting there... I think. 
He copped it. I can expand more on my thread. 

The creation of characters is wildly imaginative Blue! What amazing talents you have. I'm in awe. As I paint my Buddha I think of you lol... such baby-like "Art" but it's feels like playful fun. 
Brene quoted someone's definition of "play" being "time spent without purpose".. she called this having a mental breakdown! Hahaha... me too! I feel that way with ME attempting art. Not others. At least with Buddha, he is becoming more beautifully adorned. 

Talk soon
Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Oops, got a bit carried away, didn't I? DM = Dungeon Master, aka the person running the game. They come up with the story, the quests, the monsters and items the players can interact with.

It really is hard managing daily life like this. We're doing the best we can. Today I took those Carer's Payment forms with us to the doctor. He was reluctant to do them, wanted to consult the other doctor who failed to support us earlier, find out why she didn't. I pushed, and he filled in the forms. That was hard. Harder still, though we don't have a definitive answer, it's looking more and more like a second transplant won't be viable. They are continuing to compile data, but advising us not to be too hopeful. Not surprising, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurting a lot right now. I think I'll leave off talking in detail right now, it's pretty raw.

Creating characters is great fun. I bet you could do it if you wanted to. It's important that painting your Buddha is playful fun for you. Maybe instead of thinking of it as "baby-like", think of it as learning. How do we learn early in life? We play. We just do the thing. There's no real concern about whether it's good or not, it's uninhibited and joyful, and that I think is why children develop so quickly. They find out what they are capable of and can build on it because they're not yet full of that "it's not good enough" message brought home by competition and commercialism. Just do the thing, EM, enjoy the thing. Buddha is your teacher, haha. How appropriate. 🙂

Blue.

[ecomama]

Yes lol I'll let Buddha be my teacher. Some ppl at work looked down their noses at me when I told them what I was doing, oh well. He's looking lovely and I see it as an improvement upon the dull grey, so that's what I'm doing. 

Altho I won't get much time to do anything much tonight except for running around for the kids. I have around 20 mins before the next round of the twilight zone begins so I'm spending it with YOU. 

Thanks for the DM explanation lol. 

I'm really glad you took the Carer's Payment forms to the other Dr. I have no idea why they wouldn't sign them! 
It's very obvious that LM needs care 24/7. Plus it's no skin off their noses. A flick of the pen to change peoples' lives completely, it's horrid to think about and no doubt even worse to go through. 
Prayers for THIS. 

Also Prayers for LMs health. I know it's raw so I won't go further. You are welcome to expand if and when you feel. 

I'm still in awe of your talents lol. If I were motivated to do more in the Artistic spheres, I'd try. 
I'm not really. Just things here and there is plenty for now. Time is the real constraint at the bottom of it all. 

Gotta head off but you'll be in my thoughts, dear friend, as always
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Ugh, work people shouldn't even know your business unless you choose for them to know. Anyway, I love what you're doing with Buddha and you have 100% support from me to do what makes you happy.

I appreciate you spending precious time to check in on me. You are a good friend.

Yeah, it doesn't cost them anything to make a huge difference to us. Anyway, got the forms. Still have to lodge it all, we have been so drained I haven't managed it yet.

Yeah, it's pretty raw. I'll save it for my grief thread, oh boy do I have so much grief weighing on me right now. Too much.

Aw, thanks. I don't think either of us need to become professional artists. We're having fun, that's what we need. Something to enjoy and engage us, it's a mindful activity to bring us to a place where we aren't sad or worried or mired in the past or the future, we're just playing and being in the moment.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I missed a call from the thing that calls itself my father. After I told him about LM's health, my lack of income, about our marriage, the message it left was unbelievable. Not quite verbatim, but here is the essence: "I can't help financially, I'm waiting for investments to mature. Oh, I bought myself a new motor car, about $6K [insert details of vehicle]". WTF?! Fine if he won't help, but is it really necessary to rub my nose in details of his latest frivolous purchase or his damn investments? It doesn't cost anything to say something kind, or at least leave out BS like that! What the hell is wrong with him?!

Needless to say, I won't be returning that phone call. He's always been cold, but he's really outdoing himself lately, making a mockery of everything. Whenever I think I've got a measure of how bad a person he is, he just goes and lowers that bar. Just hearing his voice at this point makes my skin crawl, I feel dirty sharing a gene pool with that. Hope his investments and his his motor cars and his umpteen rental houses give him comfort at the end of his days, he won't have any family left he hasn't alienated.

[ecomama]

Dearest Blue, you are more than welcome. It's a real privilege and a compliment being able to call you my friend. 💚 that's deep green satin heart. 

I'll try to find your thread on grief again. Still rather lost on the new forums sighhh getting there. 
I CAN remember the name of this one so it's easier to find. 

Well you have the signed forms now. Here's hoping that this application gets approved and it will mean some freedom for you to spend precious time with LM and support him as you're already doing. 
The best news would be a different outlook for the medical professionals that support LM. Even though I know what they've told you is far different. I'll find the grief thread... or try! 

Yah know, Brene Brown's words have never resonated with me so affirmatively than now. It's clear that we all go through transitions in our lifetimes. I'm weighing up WHO in my circles gets my time with some better clarity. 
Thankyou for helping me with this too! Brene says (sic) we all care what people think. The trick, as she says, is only caring about what SOME people think. The ones that love you with all your shortcomings, with all your faults, but the ones who will pull you up and say Hey that was NOT okay. And the feedback is valued. 

That's you. 

Love EM

[ecomama]

Crikeys what a response from your dad after you had expressed how unwell LM is.... wow. 

Wooahhh deep breath Blue! 
That's such an uncaring, quite disgusting reply to such a grief laden letter. 
Which I can only imagine was so difficult to compose in itself. 

Idk Blue... distance is all I can think of. 

Oh wait...monkey see, monkey do (do dooo).. perhaps in a week or 2 you can send him another letter simply saying "Have your investments matured yet?"
As you've said before, the only thing that seems to matter to that person is money and property. 

Talking in his language may still keep the channels open or better said, keep the conduit for money coming through flowing. Perhaps. 

Whilst sending a message just as blunt. 

Yep. That person will only be able to draw "comfort" from his "stuff" at the end. 

Some people
Love EM