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Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

Clues_Of_Blue
Community Member

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

1,961 Replies 1,961

Hey Blue

 

How are things going? If you have the energy to write to us. 

 

Thinking of you, 
Love EM

Hey EM,

 

I think I've said everything immediately relevant on all the other threads for now. I'll come back to this thread as needed, for the moment I should get done with posting and go be with LM, he needs me.

 

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

Haven't had one of my better days, mentally. Objectively, I got some important things done that I would be happy about normally, and nothing worse than usual happened. I do, however, feel rather wretched.

One positive in all of this is that any procrastinating over getting married caused by all the medical appointments is gone. No wasted time, no trappings (though we had few planned to begin with), we're just doing it. Kind of fitting for us, I guess. We hate planning, we hate pomp and ceremony, we're bad at both and just want to be married while we still can.

Dear Blue

 

CONGRATULATIONS on your big day! 

 

I am so happy for you both and hope it's just lovely. 
And the weather is good lol. 

 

I don't blame you doing it this way, it's a great idea! 

You can always have a "Wedding Breakfast" later or as many times as you want to with other people. 

 

It all seems over the top sometimes. 

 

Have fun! 
Love EM

Hey EM,

 

Thank you. The weather was perfect for it. Not warm, but the sun was out so it wasn't too cold and it didn't rain. I'm sure you'll be amused that I had to stitch myself into my blouse at the last minute, all the buttons kept popping open as we headed out to the car! We had all of five people there besides ourselves, including the celebrant and photographer - the latter we didn't meet until the day, fortunately she was great. LM's bestie was our best man & his partner our ring-bearer (she also organised and paid for the photographer as our wedding gift, which was really something). My bestie was my maid of honour (just as I was his best man for his wedding, hehe). Both best man & maid of honour said a few heart-felt and eloquent words at the end of the ceremony, too. We released some feathers from both our little angels as we exchanged rings. It was all as perfect as it could have been.

 

We did get together with LM's parents (separately, they aren't together) to tell them a couple of days later. His mum was very happy - his dad was too, but was jokingly having a big sulk and telling us off for not inviting him. He wants to have a proper celebration for it. I haven't told my family yet, I don't think there will be much of a reaction to be honest, maybe an "Oh, cool" from the siblings. I'm not concerned with that, I'm just glad we are married now.

 

Blue.

Dear Blue and LM, 
I'm so sorry but my last 2 posts to your reply here have NOT made it through mods. Eeek. Unsure why, I need to check my email responses some time hey? 

 

I'm very happy the weather for your special day was agreeable! 

 

It's lovely you got to see both of LMs parents and have a little celebration afterwards. 
Too bad really that others got their noses out of joint about not being invited. 

 

It was your day! 
You get to plan it the way you both wanted. 

 

When there are separations and different dynamics in families, it's like WHO do you please by inviting them? (and potentially not feeling right about leaving the others out?). 
I get it. 

 

I keep thinking of deep green satin every time I think of your Wedding Day lol. 

 

Oh here we go, mama Poss has come down (from the roof to our balcony) for her dinner. 
We have PEARS on the menu this week! I brought some bananas up from our garden and they loved those too this week. 
I better go! If I don't hurry and get her food, she'll end up on my LAP! She's SO BIG now and very heavy lol, not risking her temper with her sharp claws lol. 

 

Love EM

Hey EM,

 

Two disappeared posts, that's really annoying. Don't know that the e-mails about them will shed much light, to be honest.

 

Thanks. The day went surprisingly well. We were vaguely concerned about what the photographer would be like as we hadn't met her before the day, but she was lovely. Our ring-bearer (we shall call her RB, and her partner BM as he was our best man) paid for the photography for us as a wedding gift, which was amazing.

 

No, no-one's nose was genuinely out of joint about not being invited, only LM's dad play-sulking about it. We've told most of the people we were going to, I'm seeing my friend/manager tomorrow to tell her, I think she'll be excited. BM will be here keeping an eye on LM while I'm out, it'll be the first social thing I've done independent of him in... well, I don't remember how long it's been. That's not ideal.

 

I haven't told my dad yet, I've been meaning to write to him (it's easier, he's so deaf that talking on the phone about anything important is just too difficult, and he's too stubborn to get a hearing aid), just can't quite make him a priority. I told him about my ADHD last time we spoke, basically the last chance I was giving him to show me if it was worth talking to him about anything not superficial - i.e. having a real relationship. Can't say I'm surprised he treated it like a big joke and proved I was right about him. I'm not saying peep about Sir Pecks to him, I won't let him sully anything to do with our baby. Anyway, I'll tell him we're married, and that LM's health has prevented me from working, as I owe the man money and need a time out from repayments. Sigh.

 

Sorry, tangent there.

 

It's a good association, deep green satin = wedding. 🙂

 

Have fun with your possum friend. I think it's really cool she's coming down to chill with you, though yes, good idea to be wary of those claws.

 

Blue.

Heya Blue

 

Yeah I get that your Wedding Day was designed to have JUST the right amount of people and just as importantly the RIGHT people. It's wonderful you made those decisions. 

Seems like you DO take Minimalism very seriously indeed! Good thing too. 

 

What a thoughtful Wedding present your friends paying for the photographer was! 
They can be super expensive but the day being so important, it's great you have those pics! 

 

Oh dear about dad... hmmm. I think most people have no idea about ADHD whatsoever, certainly not how much it frustrates and confuses the sufferers of it go through. 
My father was completely aloof. Barely ever got to see him etc. Not worth talking about lol.. absolutely ridiculous excuse to be called "father" - I won't get started lol. 

 

I'm sure that letter will go well. Good luck with the money side of things. Hopefully he has enough of a heart to hear that! 

 

I hope you have a nice time with your boss tomorrow. Do you think she'll be surprised? Well, by the time you read this message you'll know her reaction lol. Lovely surprise to hear really. Let me know how it went. 

 

It's a lot on you to be LMs sole carer as much as you love your husband of course. 
I'm so relieved to know you organised BM to come stay with LM while you go out for a while. 
Hugs. 
More hugs. 

Love EM

Haha, yep, minimalist to the core. Most especially re something like guests at our wedding. Weddings are boring to anyone not very close to the couple involved, there was no benefit to us to spend a bunch of money to get a bunch of bored people who don't like each other together to ruin something important to us. It was about us, our little birds, our lives together. Nothing else. We only had the people there who would honour that.

 

Yeah, RB really must have splurged for that, we appreciate her gift immensely. The photos are beautiful.

 

They really have no idea. Heck, I didn't either until my sister finally spoke to me about her diagnosis and symptoms. But at least I was willing to listen and try to understand. That's the difference - most people have some very poorly informed idea in their head and act like the person living with it is the one that doesn't know anything about it. It's disgusting. As for fathers... Mum calls mine just a "donor". Can't say she's far off in her assessment.

 

I wrote the letter, and posted it today. I'm not concerned that he won't be agreeable about the loan repayments, he may decide to send some money though I wasn't inclined to ask for that, just a longer reprieve from the loan. Thing with him is that money is the only language he speaks. If he can't be a real parent, he can use some of the big wads of cash from all his rental properties to help us not be homeless when working isn't an option.

 

I had a lovely time with my friend/manager, whom I will call K. She was very surprised, and very happy for us. We had lunch together and she was happy to walk over to the shops and accompany me as I got a few things I have been needing for a while, some new slippers (my old ones are fluffy and Mr Feisty has been trying to eat the fluff!) and some kitchen stuff. Some cookware needed replacing and I broke my last red wine glass yesterday doing the dishes. Oops.

 

Of course I love LM dearly, but yes it's a lot being his sole carer. It hurts my heart to see him in pain and struggling so much every day. I need to step back just occasionally to take a breath from that pain. LM always encourages me to do stuff for myself and facilitates where possible. BM and another friend were coming over today for D&D, so it just worked out conveniently.

 

Kind thoughts,

Blue.