Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

Sir Pecks sounds so delightful, cheering everyone up 😀 I used to try to be the bright spark in my family growing up, even though I’m an introvert. It was an odd thing as I was scapegoated and given a very hard time, but my answer was often to try to love everyone and make them happier. I see some lightness and humour in my alters which is that part of me, that in recent years almost got crushed. But my alters remind me I still have that spark. T and D can actually vary in age which apparently can occur in DID. They are mostly in a middle age bracket (like me) but D has also appeared as his child self. We have done healing work with his child self in relation to a trauma. Both can appear as older selves too, D in his 70s and T in his 60s. Each age they appear at comes with a set of things that characterised them at that age. Occasionally if one of them is distressed an older version comes in to comfort his younger self. This can be helpful if, for example, I’m supporting D or vice versa but then T is not ok. His older self has come in then to support his younger self, especially if it’s major and D and I are struggling to manage it. It’s this very complex nuanced thing that plays out daily for me now. I do get concerned if something is not ok with one of them, but I’ve also learned it’s part of a process every time and something gets worked through and resolved. It’s like stuff surfacing to be healed.

I’m guessing it must be quite random adopting a bird where it’s about a bird in need at the time of looking, like the difference between adopting a rescue dog and going to a breeder. I’m guessing there will be a bird you and hubby feel a connection with and you sense this is our new family member. I do understand it’s unsettling all the uncertainties at the moment and also other life things getting in the way.

Perimenopause has been beyond anything I ever expected to happen for me. I’m in that percentage of women who end up in severe mental health crisis and I nearly took myself to hospital on a few occasions. Hormone medication has literally saved my life. For some women the drop in hormones really alters gaba and glutamate in the brain leading to radical effects. I don’t know with my psych but I know she is a good and kind person. I’m thinking to try one more session to work through the couple of concerns I have. I’m continuing to research other options too. I emailed someone who specialises in DID who sounds lovely but is fully booked out, but she sent me some contacts of other people she knows. I’m reflecting on the other two people I tried too. I’m actually doing pretty well on my own as I have such good communication in my dissociative system and there’s something very self-healing and self-actualising about it. The identities becoming more differentiated has actually made trauma healing easier in some ways.

Please don’t worry about taking breaks. I completely understand when the spoons are low. I really hope you’re doing ok too.

Take good care and big hugs to you,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

He's just such a sweet and happy bird, always with a heart full of song to share. I don't think that experience was so much about whether you were an introvert or an extrovert - perhaps more about hoping that brightening your parents' moods might mean they weren't taking their bad moods out on you? I'm glad your alters still have some humour, sounds like they give you some hope of finding it again for yourself. Didn't know alters could vary in age like that, or interact with different versions of themselves. I'm certainly learning a lot. Do you find that disorienting? Certainly sounds very complex, but also kinda hopeful, in that things come up and get resolved when that happens.

Yeah, pretty much. Nor do I think animals should be "shopped" for, they are living beings, not customisable accessories. We very much want the journey of finding a little bird who needs us, whoever they may turn out to be, and not supporting the "animals as property" mentality of breeders. We now have a new flight cage, which I will assemble once I clean up the area it will be put up in. Unfortunately I injured my hand and lost a bunch of time I might otherwise have used to that end, which is very frustrating, but we're still creeping toward our goal.

I'm once again learning a lot from you, I didn't know perimenopause could be so dramatic. Not that I've had zero problems with it, just very different from yours. I'm very thankful that hormone therapy has been so useful for you. I've had to take topical oestrogen myself, which I'm very conflicted about, considering I want my body to work properly, but it's not at all gender-affirming for a non-binary person who feels distinctly more masculine than feminine. That aspect of it does not feel good.

If there's a core of goodness in your psych, she will perhaps work through this period of bad judgement and come to a healthier space. I am nonetheless concerned about your wellbeing in regard to having another appointment with her, given how disregulating they have been for you. How goes the search for a new therapist? Sounds like you had some promising option. That said, I can see the value of the work you're doing on your own, and with your alters. Paradoxical as it sounds, it seems like this fragmentation has given you a greater sense of wholeness. Am I reading that right?

I know. I don't feel guilty as such, but I do feel like the intent of the absence deserves acknowledgement as a sign of respect to you, if that makes sense.

It's been another rough couple of weeks, but I think overall we are doing better. Working on having more fun, more connection and more signs of safety in our day to day. I've also been putting more effort into changing up my style (as regards gender presentation), which has been on the backburner for way too long. It's all helping to make life more bearable.

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

It’s fun for me imagining Sir Pecks because I don’t know what he looks like but I get to use my imagination and imagine him up to various hijinks to lift everyone’s spirits 😂 I think pets can be so wonderful in that way. The cat I sometimes look after gets the zoomies and dashes about like a playful kitten, pouncing on imaginary things. When she’s in that mood, sometimes she’ll push a small object towards me so I’ll kick it along the floor and she can run and chase it. She’s almost in the elderly category now but when she’s like that she becomes like a playful kitten again. I think play is so important no matter what age we are, human and non-human.

Yes, I was definitely trying to make things better with my parents and prevent them from taking out their moods on me. Although I was very quiet normally, I’d sort of come alive in this way to try to lift things from the very dark, depressing and tense atmosphere that permeated our home. It was intergenerational too, so when our mother’s mother stayed with us it was like extreme doom.

In the beginning, with things shifting like that with the alters, it was a bit disorienting. One day D just literally morphed into an older version of himself and became quite ill. It was worrying. But I find whatever happens is always teaching me something. His child self who was also present went to comfort his older self. It’s like an incredible intrapsychic process from inside my brain projected outwards that I can observe and I learn things about myself I might not otherwise have seen. It can seem cryptic at times but the puzzle always unfolds and begins making sense. I’ve heard DID described as like living in a walking dream, and that’s very much what I’m experiencing.

It’s lovely that you are looking for a bird who needs you. A friend of mine and her husband adopted a galah who could no longer fly because of an injury. He belonged to a local flock in the area, so what was lovely was that when he was sick for a little while, the other wild galahs would come to help feed him and check on him. I hope your hand is healing up well.

I can imagine there must be a kind of dissonance experienced when as a non-binary person leaning towards the masculine, you are dealing with taking the topical oestrogen. I don’t know if this helps in a kind of way, but some women now are being given testosterone as part of their hormone therapy. All genders have all those hormones, and it’s been found testosterone plays important roles in women’s bodies too, especially in the brain. And men also have oestrogen in their bodies. So I guess we’re all a mix of these hormones. I had several days without my meds due to a supply issue and I started to not sleep again, aches and pain came back and then the weird hormonal anxiety and depression started creeping back. I was back on them from last night and slept so much better and much improved all round, so for me the benefits are huge.

I emailed my psych a few days ago outlining two main concerns and that I’d need those concerns addressed in order to feel safe continuing to work with her. One is around her confusing response to the EMDR issue, the other relates to her bringing Dispenza into the therapy process. I explained why the latter was inappropriate to my complex trauma issues. I’ve had a very bad gut feeling about him all along and I’ve found increasing accounts about his conduct as a person from people who have had direct dealings with him within his organisation that totally contradict the external message of love and humanity he preaches. I included screenshots of one of those accounts in the email to my psych. The content is very disturbing. It’s up to her what she does with that info, but I have to communicate those concerns directly and if she can’t address them she’s not safe to work with. She is actually a lovely person and the ideal in this situation is the rupture being repaired which leads to meaningful growth and learning for both parties, but I feel I’ve tried so much at my end and it’s up to her now how she handles things…

[Eagle Ray]

Sorry, went over word count…

I’ve spoken to a few people now including an expert in DID who sounds really good but is fully booked but she gave me contacts for 3 others. One of them looks like a possibility. Still thinking about the first two people I saw in person already. But also thinking about just not doing therapy anymore, at least for a while. You are correct, the fragmentation has given me more wholeness in that I see everything so clearly now. I was fragmented before but didn’t realise how much. DID/OSDD are covert disorders and can remain hidden for years. They are evolved that way to hide overwhelming trauma. I still get violent intrusions as dissociative fragments pushing through, but myself and alters are getting better and better at handling it. I’ve had these intrusions since a small child, like extremely frightening flashbacks that come suddenly out of nowhere in a microsecond. But I have this awesome internal team now and we’re managing it. So maybe the excellent resources I can already access for free, like the CTAD Clinic YouTube channel and the Healing My Parts podcast are enough. I’m increasingly financially vulnerable now as well.

I’m glad things are going better after some rough weeks. I hope you’re really enjoying changing up your style. Take good care and warm hugs to you,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. I just reread my messaged from earlier and where it says "walking dream" was meant to be "waking dream" (autocorrect playing up). It's like there is little divide now between my unconscious and conscious worlds. I also woke from an actual dream the other day and then kind of re-entered the dream in a lucid dreaming state. Like I could make choices in the dream but was sort of in that alpha state between being awake and asleep. DID is really like being in a different consciousness realm. It's actually quite a bit more prevalent in autism which is really interesting. The woman I consulted 9 years ago who has since passed, Polly Samuel, had both, and was very good at explaining both.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

I thought of you last night as I was listening to a podcast interview with Katie Keech who is queer, autistic and plural. The podcast is on dissociative identity disorder so they were bringing their perspective from the queer and neurodivergent fields. There are definitely people trying to create safer spaces and understand the intersections of identity, neurodivergence etc and change the "normativity" biases.

Also, I wanted to say I hope what I said about hormones didn't come across as minimising of your experience? I realise now it might have, even though that wasn't my intention at all. Please always let me know if I ever say anything that isn't quite right. I've been learning about the inclusion of testosterone in hormone therapy for women and those assigned female at birth as it turns out it's an important hormone for everyone. I'm not on it but quite a few people are now. So I was reflecting on the presence of both oestrogen and testosterone across the genders, but I realise that might have sounded minimising about your experience with oestrogen.

I hope you are doing ok and that you have a good week ahead!

Hugs and kind thoughts,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Sir Pecks was always up to adorable mischief. Or simply singing. He would sing with his whole little heart, and his happiness radiated out in the most beautiful way. Like the cat you mentioned, Mr Feisty was the one to get the zoomies, mostly after a bath, though he too was not so young any more. And he loved playing with the cords on our trackie pants, he'd peck those for ages, once even when I was using the exercise bike, haha. My little coach. Yes, play is important for all of us, animal or human, whatever age.

I hear you. What an ugly way to grow up, I'm sorry you went through that.

I can see why that would be disorienting. Sounds like you're getting used to it and finding the positives among some of the more surreal parts of the experience. I can see why EMDR, being as it taps into a dreamlike kind of mental processing, was not a good thing for you when you're already having a messy delineation between a dreamlike state and external reality.

Aw, the galahs sound lovely. Yes, hand is mostly healed up.

Very much so. Yes, I know everyone has a mix of the various hormones involved in expression of sex characteristics. Haven't heard about cis women taking T, but I imagine it'd be needed after something like a hysterectomy, or even menopause related? No, I didn't read that as minimising my experience, seemed like you may have just found out an interesting thing and wanted to share. That said, having to take oestrogen is definitely very impactful for me in relation to my gender identity, though there's a lot more going on with me around that. Losing Mr Feisty has hit me hard in my sense of identity (as a bird parent), and I guess of the things I have left to focus on, gender has really come to the fore as the most recently realised aspect of myself. I have a lot of frustration around how unseen non-binary identities are (everyone insists on stuffing you in a binary, some flat out deny non-binary identities even exist); without really stuffing my identity in people's faces, even when I'm wearing a badge with my pronouns on it I am constantly (I mean 100% of the time) misgendered by anyone I meet - and I don't even look especially feminine. As someone who grew up invisible with everyone else deciding who I am, it's outright triggering, even knowing most people just plain don't know what non-binary is. Doesn't change the internal reaction to that constant dismissal of something so basic and integral to my identity. (Cheers for the heads up about the podcast and acknowledgement of people trying to create safer spaces.) Glad you've got your meds again, and have started feeling a bit better.

Anything useful come of messaging the psych? My perspective on this is even if the rupture is repaired, it might be wiser to keep any further communication, should it happen, in a more equal power dynamic. The magnitude of her mistake suggests giving her that level of power again could be dangerous.

Kind thoughts & hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

Your descriptions of Sir Pecks and Mr Feisty are so delightful. I can sense the joy that Sir Pecks radiated, and I love the thought of Mr Feisty as your personal trainer while on the exercise bike 🤣 I am imagining he thought it was fun seeing your legs going round and round and trying to peck at the cord.

Yes, I am getting used to a new reality. What is remarkable is how the dissociative identities and myself are all working together co-operatively. I had a new one push through who I could tell was going to be a pretty important one the other day. He'd appeared weeks earlier briefly then disappeared, but this next time I knew it was significant. At first it was anxiety-inducing because there is this little family of identities you have and it's difficult to adjust. But what happened is another identity then broke through and is now an older mentor for the other new one. But a couple of days ago I established better communication with the younger one. He is 27 years old but in some ways still teenager-ish in some aspects, and in other aspects he is an old soul. He is autistic and the part of me that has masked for so long. He is also the personification of my dissociation in many ways, both in relation to trauma stuff but also the positive side of my dissociative tendencies which is the consciousness state where a lot of my creativity resides. So he is like two sides of a coin.

Cis women taking T is a thing now, though I'm not sure how widespread it is in Australia. Not all practitioners are on board with it, but a number of doctors specialising in treating menopause are incorporating it now along with the other hormones for a range of benefits. Loss of libido has been the primary one initially, but apparently now it is considered to help with brain processing and therefore reduce brain fog and cognitive issues that can be associated with perimenopause and menopause. I'm on an app for those going through perimenopause/menopause and some of them say it's really helped them feel so much better overall.

I can imagine it must really be hard at times dealing with the non-comprehension of others of the experience of being non-binary. It's like missing out on that validation that should be automatically there as non-binary people have always been in this world, same as anyone else. It takes courage to put it out there and not just mask, but I know you know all too well the exhaustion of masking, including re: autism. So I can see how it's like being between a rock and a hard place, but being open I expect is still less exhausting than having to try to perform to other's expectations and I know you would feel better being yourself. But it's still exhausting and emotionally taxing dealing with people's non-understanding 😞 I hope it keeps shifting so that before long non-binary identity is much more openly understood and accepted. I was impressed recently when I visited a new shopping centre in Perth that had gender neutral toilets, for people who prefer that. I guess, looking at autism and neurodivergence generally, the culture has shifted a lot there over the last decade or so, so the future will hopefully be brighter. I am still way too scared to tell anyone I have dissociative identity disorder, or OSDD, though it's looking more like Partial DID for me now.

Yes, messaging the psych has been positive. I challenged her on the things that were really bothering me. I was very direct and clear about it. If I wasn't still sure from a response, I queried her further. And after back and forth communication I feel a lot better, like she is hearing me in a kind way. She has been very responsive and we have already moved on now to my most current issues which I've been emailing her about and will see her next week. She says she is taking extra care now doing EMDR with people and delaying it, even when a person wants to start it. She says she's learned a lot but so sorry it happened at my expense. I am not sensing danger going forward. I think a lot of psychs are not aware of certain risks with EMDR and there is a fault in the profession as a whole in that regard. I think she sort of panicked and was overwhelmed herself about what to do when it went wrong. She is much more aware now of what does actually work with me which is an extra titrated approach and I've communicated that the main thing I need now is co-regulation more than processing. Basically now my psyche is amazingly processing by itself via the dissociative experiences which are turning out to be so self-healing.

Kind thoughts and hugs to you too,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Just a quick one to say I'm okay, just swamped with (routine) medical appointments for hubby that all converged at once, so I'm mega low on spoons. Hope you're doing okay.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

No worries, glad you are okay. Take care with all the things happening. I totally understand about being low on spoons. Yes, I am doing okay.

Kind thoughts to you too,

ER