Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Croix]

Dear Blue

I grieve, worry and feel so sad reading your news

Croix

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Croix and anyone else reading. Just a quick update, words are a struggle for me right now, but I suspect there are some who may be silently following my journey and wondering what is happening. Sir Pecks is no longer with us. We are feeling his loss keenly. LM's health is very bad, it is very possible we could be going through the transplant process a second time. Life is very hard right now, I am swinging between grief and dissociation constantly. I don't really know how to process what is happening. That's where I am.

Blue.

[Croix]

Dear Blue~

Well I've managed to relocate your thread again, and know your life is terrible right now. Please give your LM all my thoughts of encouragement and also perhaps more importantly remind him the even here second hand in the Forum we know the huge effect his love has on your life.

I find knowing about the effect my love has had on Mrs C has been a constant comfort to myself.

Please keep us up to date, when you can, we care a lot.

Croix

[ecomama]

Hi Blues

I literally can't click to get to your last post(s), something awry with the forums. 

Yes I've gone to the Options button and clicked on newest to oldest... grrr. Just won't work for me atm. 

I click to Page 180 then 179 with no changes to my page. I'm still at Page 1. 
So I THOUGHT I was on your last page so I began reading... Clicking "Support" and then saw the DATE and tried again to get to your last page... to no avail. 

Trying to get to you is triggering and I'm winding things back to understand why.... a huge trigger for me is "keeping my children SAFE". Are you one of my children? no. But I must have a maternal feeling towards you in some manner for me to be feeling like this. 

Please know I'm thinking of you. Really wishing I could help you in this most difficult of times. Even though in reality if I could visit and buy food and deliver it etc etc... you're probably in another State and I wouldn't be able to anyway. 

It would be wonderful if we could have an on the ground support network built from here, I've said it before, but I do understand why the BB Forums have been designed in the way to protect people's identities.
I know for one, I would not have posted here at all if I thought my ID could be exposed. 

I will check my Thread and possibly you've responded there... IF I can reach my last page that is. 

Teething problems with the new site. We have to press our patience buttons! 

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Croix,

Glad you found me. They've just updated my username per my request, too, so hopefully that didn't give you any further difficulties. I couldn't stand the punctuation/grammar, or the number on it. Grr.

I shall pass on your kind thoughts to LM. I don't doubt it will give him some comfort to hear you and others here can see the huge impact of his love in my life. I remind him every day, but more doesn't hurt. I don't doubt seeing Mrs C benefit from your love for her comforts you, too. There is something to be said for seeing we are doing right by those we love and that we matter to them.

As always, thanks for checking in. Kind thoughts to you, Mrs C, and the Menagerie.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

That's pretty frustrating, I don't know why it's happening. No harm in some support on my old posts, though. 😉

I'm sorry you're finding all the technical nonsense triggering, but I certainly understand it. I've had periods like that, too, when things just don't want to work.

Hm, I'm probably too old to be one of your children, but let's not underestimate the bond of friendship. When it's a good one, that bond can be very strong, and so is the instinct to protect. I get it. You are far more support to me than my genetic family, I've heard not a peep from any of them since initially telling them what was happening at the moment. Brief conversation, initiated by me, then silence. Huge surprise, not.

I want you to know that you do help. Sure you can't do anything physically, but you are with me like many in my life can't even be bothered with. That matters.

Anonymity here has its place. I don't doubt its safer for you in your situation, but I sure understand the frustrations, especially when technical stuff hinders our ability to communicate. Ugh. I'm afraid I don't have a patience button!

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Dear Clues_Of_Blue.... cute new name! You're very creative lol even with names. 

How odd it is that our families, I'm saying that on behalf of so many people in BB, you and I included, just don't seem to care. Especially when we are facing serious challenges in our lives.  
It's just such ODD behaviour. 

It would mean so much to receive a "check in" text, OR
A cooked meal delivered, OR
An offer to mow the lawn.... 

I know it's not "us" and I know it's all about them and therein could be a clue.... if it's not about them then, yeah, it's not a valuable interaction. 

Do you know what my Counsellor told me recently (and I was shocked and we talked about this for a few sessions).... I "disobeyed the 'rules' of my family" - even though they were never explicitly stated, they were there. Meaning I didn't conform to the patterns of their lives. 

I did so many things against them (as I know you have done) albeit simply and merely to live our own lives and squeeze every bit out of our own lives. 
It's NEVER been mere nor simple. Shaking off these shackles and "natural instincts" we were conditioned with is a BRILLIANT set of achievements. Things like being employed, buying property and how dare I make it through all the legal challenges ALONE. 

So I know I don't fit in now. They've all made it blatantly clear. I'm not wanted but for all the RIGHT reasons. 

So as we move forward living to the beat of our own drums, at least we know we gave it all our very best. 
It doesn't help when we're vulnerable and need support. 

I'm so grateful for your support and I'm here for you
Love EM

[mmMekitty]

Hello Blue,

I'm sorry I haven't been around to this Discussion for, well, too long. & much more sorry about the terribly distressing time you are having to go through, the future you are likely to be having to deal with. I deeply hope the worst won't be ahead.  Whatever happens, remember, we are here.

💖💖💖💖

mmMekitty

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

To be honest, I didn't think it was that creative, just fixing a grammatical mess that offended me, haha.

Yeah, it's unfortunately common among those of us here to have families that don't care. Probably a big part of why many of us have the mental health conditions we do - coping has a lot to do with support. If you start life unsupported it sets you up to be in a place of attracting people that don't support you, or of struggling to feel connected even when it's there. Thanks a bunch, lousy families.

You said: "It would mean so much to receive a "check in" text, OR

A cooked meal delivered, OR
An offer to mow the lawn...."

Beyond the occasional check-in text from my sister (to be fair, she does do that - if not, you know, one single time since she found out my bird is dead and my partner seems not to be too far behind) the concept of any of that from any of my family is utterly laughable.

Ugh, I know what you mean about when it's not about them. So self-centred and so lacking any care for anything outside themselves. Interesting concept about "disobeying the rules of the family". There's only one rule in mine, the rule of absence. I don't think any of what I do is a matter of conforming or not conforming, I simply exist, and they don't care. If any effort is required of them in any way, that's a big ol' nope. It is, as you say, all about them. I initiate contact, I go to them, I do whatever, but it's me that does anything unless I push them to get off their backsides, and it's pretty obviously whatever I have asked is done reluctantly. Seems your situation is a little different, but there are some concurrent themes. Stepping out of those "rules" has made you  a better person.

I'm grateful for your support, too. I'm glad you went your own way and became the person you are.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey mmMekitty,

Not going to admonish you for not coming here sooner, there are a lot of people on here who need support, I know you're out there helping them. That said, thanks for thinking of me and stopping by. It is certainly a distressing time. I miss Sir Pecks terribly and I am worried for LM. I don't want to lose him. It helps that there are people in this community listening.

Blue.