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Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

Clues_Of_Blue
Community Member

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

1,961 Replies 1,961

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Blue~

Yes, enforced separation is a very hard thing. Loneliness, worry and not even the comfort of a silent loving presence - no support in a (mostly - there are fluff-balls) empty house

I'm glad you are not working flat out and hope you can manage that extra day less, even that one day may make a real difference ot your tiredness and general health.

May I ask what your MIL's problem is ATM?

BTW I liked the Tom Wait's song (I guess I like most of his stuff) but did not feel that close to Osaka Punch, I guess I'm not as flexible as I'd like.

Regards from menagerie (who think fluff-balls talking with their beaks full sounds hilarious)

Croix

Hey Croix,

It's very hard, and something that has been happening a lot. Neither one of us does well with it. The longer he is in there, the more depressed he is growing. I send him pictures and videos of the birds regularly and video call with him when I'm not there in person. The house does feel empty without him, though of course Puffballs provide much comfort. It does get a bit lonely.

Fingers crossed for that extra day off. My manager is open to it, I wrote up some changes to my roster for her to look over, it's just waiting on some new staff to start in the coming weeks. Meantime I will take time off as needed for LM.

Gonna put a **trigger warning** on this bit. MIL has hit breaking point with seeing LM in pain, has been obsessing over the idea of his death - there is always a danger of it, and practical considerations to manage in regard to it, but it is by no means imminent. Not that one would know it to hear her talk. She's really giving an air of wanting him to just get it over with so she doesn't have to feel bad any more. No-one wins with her carrying on like that. We have taken her to task on it and encouraged her to just back off and sort herself out. At least she has taken that on board and is thus far taking our advice.

I expected you might like the Tom Waits song, and indeed that Osaka Punch just wasn't your jam. You don't have to like what you don't like - but you asked what I was listening to, and that was it. I wasn't super into Osaka Punch when I first heard them, myself, but they really grew on me. I like their sense of fun, and both the vocals and music are pretty varied from one song to another and genuinely quite good (in my opinion) once the novelty of the lyrics wears off. I came across them as the support act at a concert we attended a few years back. I like to follow up on support bands that catch my interest, it's led me to some great discoveries.

Glad to be of entertainment to the menagerie. They might have got a kick out of my two little darlings sneaking broccoli from my dinner plate tonight. My office was covered in it by the time they were done.

Blue.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Blue~

I guess your MIL sounds a right drag. Hopefully she will keep on taking your advice and keepng quiet. Of course things can be a worry, but no sense harping on it, as I found with my first partner, you simply keep going as normally as you can and try to think positive.

I'm not surpried LM is getting down being in hte hospital again. Do you mind if I ask if the reason for his oxygen level been identified yet?

Is there any way you cna get him to feel useful where he is, things that you can mutually discuss about living and household matters where his input will make a difference? This is what I did, though you probably do this yourself already.

I hope the extra day works out, have you sorted the dishwasher yet?

I have not listened to everything Osaka Punch has done, maybe I"ll try again. Actually it is not all of Tom Waits that appeals to me, some is too soft.

Amazing, my spell checker took 'appeals' and changed it to 'apples', seems sort of appropriate:) I spend half my time sorting out typos and spell checker fancies.

Just listening to the blues version of the ending theme to "The Sweeny", takes me back, I was in the force at that stage and we all ended up calling the inspectors 'Gov'.

Croix

Hey Croix,

Yes, MIL takes a lot of energy to deal with. LM has a lot more patience for her than I do. As for the severity of LM's situation, he and I do speak frankly about it and don't have rose-coloured glasses on - neither of us are fans of the "just think positive" philosophy, but on the flip side, he is alive, we have a life together, and we are determined to make the best of that that we can.

It's exhausting and isolating for him, being in there. As for the oxygen, it seems they didn't have the organ rejection under control after all. The treatment now doesn't allow for "tweaking" his immune responses as needed, he'll have basically no immune system for the next 3-6 months. The damage to his lungs stands a chance of healing at least partially, but it will be some while before we know how much of it is permanent. I'm sure you'll understand this is rather taxing on him, both physically and mentally.

Hopefully soon. My manager has covid now, and my department is in a bit of a shambles, so that won't be sorted out for a bit. No dishwasher yet, I've barely been home, so receiving deliveries is a problem. That's the sort of thing they won't just leave at the door if you're not home. Sigh.

No expectation re Osaka Punch. Though if you like, my favourite of theirs is Muted Woot. I'd be hard pressed to describe it. Whether you'd like it or not, dunno. I hear you about Tom Waits. I don't care for his ballads, I like the weird stuff he does, like God's Away on Business and Hell Broke Luce. 🙂

Spell check does all sorts of nutty stuff. I call it Hal (as per 2001 A Space Odyssey). It can be a full time job fixing up Hal's mischief.

Haha, how did the inspectors like that? Even in the force, gotta have a sense of humour.

Puffballs say "tweet".

Blue.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Blue~

Actually you have just mentioned my two favorites of Tom Waits, though I am partial to Chocolate Jesus (the immaculate confection)

My first wife and I did not have the same outlook, I knew it had a finite date and looked forward to every day, she had the rose tinted glasses. Well if it helped her - good. At least I could plan.

I'm glad you and LM are of a similar viewpoint - it can be a comfort, even in dark times. As for oxygen uptake being too low, yes indeed it will have a very marked affect in itself - quite apart from the prospects. I can catch a glimpse of that as my many years of smoking are well and truly catching up with me.

I hope your work situation sorts out soon.

We only used Gov with particular D/I's and as a D/S I had a certain latitude when moods were lighthearted.

Was it just coincidence or have you trained the Puffballs not to speak wiht their beaks full?

Croix

Hey Croix,

Then I can but only approve of your favourite Tom Waits songs. I'm not familiar with Chocolate Jesus, gonna have to go look it up.

I understand how hard that must have been. When LM and I first got together the transplant wasn't an option they had given him. We expected to have a few years together so there was always that understanding between us. It sucked, but it was what we had at the time. I am thankful other options appeared. I guess I can't criticise your first wife for the rose coloured glasses even if I see things differently, for some it's probably the only way they can cope.

LM's oxygen remains low, the treatment will take some time to do much of anything it is going to do, so now we wait. The good news is, he is home now. The bad news is, he already had a little incident of passing out when he got up too quick. It hurts to see him dealing with the sort of stuff that was happening before the surgery, we went through that so this wouldn't be his normal any more. Well, and so he'd be alive period, but you know what I mean. It is disheartening. Hope your own concerns on the oxygen front aren't too severe.

Thanks. My manager has looked over my proposed roster changes and is pretty happy with it, no more than minor tweaking required, and nothing I have a problem with. Hopefully we can implement it soon, she's gotta run it past the boss. He's a good guy, it should be okay.

Yup, gotta know your audience with stuff like that.

Co-incidence, to be sure. They heartily resist any training.

Been trying to focus on some self care today, around my responsibilities with LM and Puffballs. Did some gardening and freshened up my hair colour. Simple things, but they helped.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Blue~

It's been a few days so I thought I'd pop in and check on the important thing - did your freshened up hair color appeal?

Of course if you wanted to say how LM and yourselves are getting on that would be good too.

You're right of course, how different people handle things, the first Mrs C seeing herself as eventually being discharged and me having to put on an optimistic face, I felt it a bit hard to keep up at times. Still now that I look back over a fair number of years I'd not have changed anything. It allowed her to laugh and plan, and we were together as much as a hospital would allow (they were very flexible) -and that was the biggie!

So I'm hoping you and your LM can have a fair bit of time together now he's home again -I'm sure not only you but those little Puffballs will wrap you all in a sort of globe of happiness.

Sumo had decided to retreat into the 'cat tent'. This is of course a clothes horse in front of the fire with the sheets and garments almost touching the floor. A most excelet lair to peep out of.

Croix

Hey Croix,

Ah, priorities. The freshened up hair isn't a new colour, just sorting out the roots, but when I first went vivid red, it was well received, lots of compliments. 🙂

We had a few bumpy days after LM came home, he is always exhausted and often pretty down after long hospital stays, and truth told so am I. We've weathered out the worst of that and started coming out the other side, his health showing small signs of improvement. Hoping very much he can just stay home for a while this time. As you say, we have been getting in a good amount of quality time together, and our Puffballs are bringing us much joy. You'd have loved Sir Pecks the other day, marching around the kitchen bench, screaming at LM like a little dictator. He's the real boss of the household.

I can only imagine how hard it was for you in that situation with your first wife. It's good though, that you can look back on it and think you would not have done it differently. I'm sure her laugh meant the world to you, as LM's does to me. Thankfully the hospital has been pretty flexible for us, too. There were occasions I was able to stay overnight during his last stay, which was a boon when I was coming in after a work shift and dreading the thought of a long drive home.

Sounds like a good little cat tent to me. I imagine Sumo there thinking of himself as a great general or even prince in his great tent off on some grand adventure, taking all his creature comforts (pun intended) with him.

Blue.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Blue

I'm dropping in to see how you, LM amd all are getting on - no need to reply if you don't feel like it. Life can be pretty taxing without correspondence on top.

ATM I'm listening to the Tony Bennett &Amy Winehouse duet - Body and Soul. Any sorts of fits my mood for now

Menagerie sends regards, Sumo wishes I'd stop playing music near his ear!

Croix

I wish I could tell you things were going well. LM's improvement, small though it was, has reversed. The treatment isn't working, the rejection is advanced. The doctor says the decline may yet plateau, but that is by no means assured. I don't think I need to spell out where things could head from there. Things aren't looking a lot better for Sir Pecks, we finally know at least that his liver is the source of his ongoing fatigue, if not precisely why it is failing to function properly. He is being treated, but his health continues to get worse. My family is falling apart around me, and there is very little I can do to make any of it better. There's not much more I can say, there are no words for this horror. Half of me expects something to happen to Mr Feisty, now. None of us deserve any of this, it is beyond cruel.