Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Croix,

Definitely good to have LM home, though it does mean extra housework. The birds are happier with us both home, that's for sure. LM's cough has gone before he even got his antibiotics, which is a relief - it would be a disaster if he got a chest infection.

I called the covid hotline and was directed to an online service that could provide me with scripts and a medical certificate - I have a reprieve from work for the week-end. With some mucking around I got my prescriptions delivered and a couple of other pharmaceuticals I needed. Hoping the antibiotics resolve my cough, I'm more than a little fed up with it. Mind you, I can't say I'm sorry about having a bunch of time at home, there is a silver lining.

Hope you're doing okay.

Blue.

[Croix]

Dear Blue~

I'm most encouraged to hear LM's cough has gone, that would be a real relief, just need you to get yours under control - and more rested I guess. The medical certificate was an excellent idea.

It's funny how the little fluffballs can miss one of you, it's much the same with Foxy Dog and Sumo Cat, they tend to seek extra attention from me if Mrs C has to be away for a day or two. They also nag more for treats:)

As for me, I'm in good spirits even though the body has a mind of it's own (a contrary one:)

A cake-crumb each for the fluffballs (if that is their favorite) and a dignified twitch of a whisker from Sumo

Croix

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Croix,

Yes, very relieved his cough is gone. I continue taking it easy. I've got my antibiotics, they may or may not be helping. Seem to be improving a little, it's proving to be a long-winded process. Doesn't feel like it will be done with me before my next shift after the week-end, there may be more medical certificates to come. As much as it would be nice to resume life, I'm not going to push myself, this is the best chance I've had in a very long time to recover from any of the burn-out that comes with being me, so I'm making the best of it.

Yes, they definitely feel it when one parent is missing. Sir Pecks in particular is very attached to LM and skraarks and follows him if he so much as leaves the room for a minute. Mr Feisty is a little more inclined to stick to me, but he loves LM's pants with the drawstring and will sit on his leg playing with the string as long as he is allowed to. Very cute.

Glad your spirits are good. I hear you about the contrary body, mine is misbehaving some, also! Hopefully you're not getting too much grief from yours.

Cake crumbs are a no-no for birds, but I'll happily give them some seeds from my sammich in your honour (they love seeds, Sir Pecks enacts a deft snatch and zoom manoeuvre whenever presented with either parent eating bread or seedy muffin). By all means give the Menagerie some treats from me, whatever takes their fancy (in moderation, of course, though I am certain they won't approve of that).

Blue.

[Croix]

Dear Blue~

I'm hoping your symptoms are now gone but that you managed to get enough certificates for a rest. Is LM bearing up well?

Cake crumbs being out figures. Mrs C and I used to feed stale bread to the wildfowl on the river when we were walking. Now we use packet wild-bird seed. Actually this has worked out well as they are harder to pick up and there is less jostling and bullying as each bird, geese included, are busy pecking the ground rather than quickly gobbling the bread and then trying to drive each other away.

Treats for Foxy Dog are easy, she eats anything with relish. Sumo is more difficult. He is very conscious a cat needs to maintain standards, and if it doesn't come out of a foil packet it is not really up to snuff. (He is forced to eat dry food as a mainstay but does nag for a tasty morsel.)

Croix

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Croix,

Excuse the belated reply. There's been so little activity on the forums of late (at least of any particular relevance to me), I've forgotten to check them for a while. I'm testing negative and out of iso, now. Still somewhat fatigued, but more or less better. It was a good amount of time off work. LM is still doing well, also fatigued but otherwise okay.

Glad you have upgraded your wildbird treats, seeds are better all round. Though the friendly lorikeets I encountered once interstate weren't impressed. One came and picked up a seed from my hand, held it for a moment, then politely put it back...

Dogs are usually pretty easy. Cats, not so much. The trick is to make them think they shouldn't have it, suddenly they'll want whatever you've got. Puffballs say "skraark" and a very soft "tweet", respectively. Interestingly, Mr Feisty is (usually) the quiet one.

Blue.

[Croix]

Dear Blue~

I'm glad you and LM are both OK and have even had a bit of a breather. Things certainly were seeming to get on top.

I'm afraid I'm going ot have to explain the facts of life about Sumo Cat. youu did say "The trick is to make them think they shouldn't have it, suddenly they'll want whatever you've got" which is a pretty good idea BUT

Mrs C spoils me, spoils Foxy Dog and spoils Sumo. Now I'm pretty happy with being spoiled, unfortunately so is Sumo, who expects me to do the same. A steely glare and a firm Meow are normally enough to make my good intentions crumble. If I don't give in Sumo stalks off to Mrs C and tells tales of unreasonable hardship.

I'm outfoxed as it were

Croix

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Breather is over, LM back in hospital. We're both so tired.

[Croix]

Dear Blue~

I'm realy disappointed that life has thrown something else at you - not what either of you needed.

May I ask if it is LM's infection that has flared up again or something else?

It is no wonder you are both tired, one thing piles on top of another. Have you had to go back to work again now?

I guess a peck of birdseed each for the fluffballs to keep their spirits up when you have the energy, plus an upbeat song that seems sort of appropriate:

Lee Dorsey: Working in a Coalmine

BTW what are you listening to ATM?

Croix

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Croix,

Yes, it's exceptionally disappointing, we really don't need it. His blood oxygen has dropped significantly. At this stage we don't know why. As usual, the doctors are doing a barrage of tests to figure it out. He'll probably be in there a while.

Yeah, it's been constant this year, I can't even act on the ideas I've had to reduce our stress/workload at home because we're too busy with rolling disasters. We have the money for that dishwasher now, but will anyone be home to take the delivery? Damned if I know! So it waits, and my workload remains the same. Focused on LM being in hospital, so I missed the window for ordering ready meals to arrive in any sort of reasonable time frame, so there I go having to cook. It's doing my head in.

I was back at work for a bit over a week after covid, have taken more time off with LM in hospital, I'm sure they're getting sick of how unreliable I am, this year. I know I am. Much as I'm not excited about work, it'd be nice to do some normal life things for more than five minutes.

I'm sure Puffballs would say thanks, but it's coming out more like "mmph" around the birdseed. 😉 They have had a treat of red capsicum today, Sir Pecks especially loves the stuff. Mr Feisty was more interested in it today than usual, which was nice, he ate quite a lot.

Good choice of song, I like it. On a musical tangent but similar theme, I'm now thinking of Tom Waits - Heigh Ho.

I'm actually in a bit of a slump with music. I hear enough stuff I like well enough, but for the last month or so nothing has really moved me, I'm not getting the usual enjoyment from anything or that sense of involvement in the music. Very unusual for me. The last thing that was working for me was Osaka Punch; they're silly as, but I got a surprising amount of comfort from listening to them during LM's first stay in hospital this year. Probably a bit heavy for your tastes, but you might get some amusement from one of their more funky and less metal songs, Dancetown Showdown.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

LM still in hospital, still no answers and thus no improvement. Mother in law being a bit of a headache. I'm working the odd day here and there, keeping it minimal and working toward dropping another day a month if I can. Feeling very exhausted, and missing LM terribly. It sucks not having our little family all together at home. Feels wrong.