Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)
Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).
Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.
I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.
Yeah it sucks. I mean, she said herself he insisted on getting me up here no matter what, that wasn't so I could rattle around a hotel subject to her selfish whims. That said, she did back off today and not try to get in the way of me seeing him, albeit carrying on about how wonderful and magnanimous she was. What a vile human being she is showing herself to be. Anyway, he's still stable and doing as well as one can after being popped open and having his innards rearranged. They let me hold his hand and comb his hair. The staff have been really supportive and good. I will be very grateful when he is awake again and able to assert his own will. I miss him so much.
Blue, this is such a hard time for you. Waiting, hoping.
I’m so pleased you got to hold his hand and comb him hair today, for both of you. He needs you there , you need to be there.
I really hope he wakes up soon, and he can say what he wants.
Take care of yourself as best you can Blue. Incoming strong coffee ☕️☕️☕️💙💙💙
Yes, very hard.
Thanks. He opened his eyes a couple of times while I was there, but he wasn't lucid. Maybe a couple more days before he is. They say he could be delirious for a time when he wakes. Not a fun time.
I managed to get some groceries and do some cooking yesterday. Wasn't very patient with it, but knew food was necessary. Looking after myself as best I can, though I did drop the ball on that for a day or two. Could hear my partner telling me off for it.
Hope life is treating you okay, Wilma. Maybe some progress with pain treatment? Kind thoughts to you and your furry friend.
Blue, I’ll bet you can’t wait to see your partner open his eyes. Such massive surgery. Absolutely mind blowing stuff. Every stage will have its anticipation no doubt. I’m guessing, months of rehab, once he is able. Learning all the basics again.
I’m pleased you managed some cooking, even though it was tricky. Some slip ups will happen, you are dealing with enormous stress. You are wise.
Regarding pain relief. I seem to be getting more since doing the daily physio exercises. I go back next week, so I’ll ask if that’s normal. I really don’t need any extras. It’s making me cranky and very impatient. I’m normally very patient, but I’m changing. Not for the best.
Anyway Blue, I hope you are managing to sleep.
We had snow overnight. Everywhere was covered with a few inches of beautiful white snow. Cold, but memorable, very memorable. ⛄️⛄️❄️❄️❄️
Leaving a strong coffee ☕️☕️And lots of 💙💙💙
It's happened, Wilma. He is awake and lucid, and no more breathing tube. Of course he is in a lot of pain, that's incredibly hard to see. He's able to talk, though, and he knows who he is, and who I am. It's a good sign for his brain function after all this. He was able to tell me he loves me before I left. Admittedly that helped a lot.
Yes, months of rehab ahead, he will have to relearn his own body. No more blue fingers and getting out of breath just putting his socks on.
Thanks. Still don't feel like cooking, but I can hear him telling me off for not looking after myself.
Sounds like the physio exercises are a bit much for you. Maybe they can tailor a programme that helps without creating so much pain.
Sleep is a bit hit and miss. Might do a little better with that tonight having got to this turning point for my partner. Got WiFi in the accommodation too, so I can watch something to relax.
Have heard there's a cold snap going across the country. Hasn't reached me here yet, but it's about to turn cold tomorrow. The snow sounds lovely.
Appreciating the flow of coffee. 🙂 Sending a hot water bottle and a scarf, Wilma. Sounds like you need them!
OMG Blue, I feel so excited for you right now. I know this is just the beginning of a long and painful journey for both of you, but it’s a really good start. It’s a second chance. Medicine is amazing isn’t it.
I hope you got some sleep last night. Wifi will definitely help. I’m imagining you are exhausted right now.
The exercises are already very light, but I got back next week, so I can ask a few questions then. It might be normal to experience this, but I wasn’t planning on adding to my pain levels.
Yes, it’s cold here, that’s for sure. ⛄️⛄️❄️❄️It feels like we’ve had an extra cold winter this year, frosts most days, heavy frosts.
Only weeks till spring now Blue. Heading out today with counsellor to buy some ferns for part of my back yard. A very shady area, so ferns should do well there.
Its starting to take shape here now. Curtains and plants make all the difference.
Leaving a coffee, not such a strong one today Blue. Lots of warm wishes to you both. Take care. Stay warm.💙💙
Thanks, Wilma. It's a big milestone, having him awake and in his right mind. A huge comfort. It is extraordinary what they have achieved, that he is alive and can potentially thrive with someone else's heart and lungs.
I did get some sleep, and being able to watch a show beforehand was good. Definitely very exhausted. As much as this situation sucks, there's something to be said for stepping back from obligations at home for my own sake as well as my partner's.
I would think some pain with exercises is probably normal, though obviously you need to balance the level of pain with how much benefit you get from them. Hopefully the next appointment gives you some answers.
Sounds pretty intense over there. My neck of the woods has had a fairly mild Winter (though even that is too cold for my comfort). Not sure if I told you all the medical stuff I'd happening interstate, so we don't have the comforts of home through this, either. What we do have is similarly mild weather. Cool change has come, it's wet but not too cold.
Happy that you're getting some ferns, Wilma, they should be a pleasant addition to your home. Do you have an outdoor chair so you can sit and relax in the yard, to quietly enjoy them? Anyway, sounds like you're settling in nicely, much happier in your environment. That's important.
Cheers for the coffee, appreciated as always. Kind thoughts to you and your loyal companion.
Blue, I would imagine exhaustion is putting it mildly. It must have been very intense waiting. It’s a risk with any operation, but the extent of your partners op is enormous.
I do stand in awe of the skills and progress in some medical fields. Definitely life saving.
You would have to step back from normal responsibilities Blue, Sorry you don’t have the comforts of home though, they would help.
I’m guessing each day is small steps with recovery. Every step counts, and is celebrated.
This might change the course of your future together Blue. Endless opportunities to look forward to. Who knows ?
Yes, I will ask some questions next week. The pain might be a ‘ normal’ part of physio.
I didn’t end up getting ferns Blue. The garden man was so helpful. I have small natives and shrubby grass. They are frost and drought resilient, they attract birds and butterflies and bees. All my kind of friends.
I do have a few chairs out there, and a table that will go out eventually. It’s a work in progress, and I am enjoying it. I never sit in the sun, always shade, full sun isn’t something I have ever enjoyed.
I’m glad it’s not too cold where you are, that’s something. Any blossom yet ? Do you have any parks where you could enjoy a bit of the outdoors ?
I think I’ll leave a hot chocolate today Blue, a comfort kind of drink. Take care where you can. So pleased you got some sleep. ☕️☕️
Not much energy to talk today, Wilma. I can say that things continue to improve for my lovely man, but he is in a huge amount of pain. It's very hard and draining to see him hurting. I have to remind us both that this part is short term, there are better days ahead.
Hardy native plants are good, especially if they bring wildlife to your garden. The right friends.
Yes, plenty of blossoms the weather is mild and there is plenty of water. Green and flowers everywhere.
Hot choc is welcome. Relax time for ol' Blue, I need some rest. Enjoy your garden time, Wilma. I bet furry friend likes it, too.
Dear Blue (wiht a wave to Wilma)~
The better days have started, to wake up and this time being lucid is an enormous relief, the distress of a loved one waking disoriented is intense. Although the logical part of the brain puts it down to the anesthetic, it is nevertheless a huge worry.
Can I suggest one of the best thing s you can do for your LM is to take extra good care of yourself? He will not be immune to worry about you.
I have lots of unexpected snow around and am quite happy to 'sit in the garden' from inside my living room in front of the wood fire.