Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[lookingforme]

Hey B,

I've been nauseated and anxious the whole day, and have had to put up with people. I separate the two because one may not be from the other. Suffice it to say I'm exhausted. I want to get to your post and other threads, but probably not tonight.

Hope you're doing okay.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Look after you first, don't worry about the threads. I'm doing okay. Day off work today, so had some me time and caught up on some jobs. Got a batch of shortbread in the oven now. My cookie sheets are too big, so the biscuits keep sliding down into the ends of the sheets. Should get some smaller ones, but money and all that. The biscuits will look funny, but they'll taste fine.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Busy but good day for me, today, so I can't stick around, but just letting you know I haven't forgotten about you. Hope you're having a better day today. Also, that other post I wrote has turned up.

[lookingforme]

Hey Blue,

I haven't been on here much (as you can tell). I've had severe abdominal pain since Sunday, and after putting up with that for a full working day, plus fighting my natural instinct to run away from anything that can help me emotionally (because that is what I do when everything gets bad in my head, and it's been reall bad) and just function with it all, I get home and crash and don't wake up until the next morning where I have to do it all over again. Again and again. I sleep for 12 hours maybe a bit more but I'm still so tired. If the pain doesn't stop in the next 48 hours, I'll have to go for an ultrasound. On some meds at the moment. My counsellor has been sick the past two weeks so I've been going it without help for a while. My instinct is telling me to just leave it, don't speak to anyone again. How can I ever really trust myself?

Anyway, thank you for not forgetting about me. I'm sorry this is the first post in a while. I'm struggling at the moment so it's a quick one. Take care of yourself.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Does sound like you've been having a rough time. In your place, I'd be trying to get some time off work. It's understandable that you're sleeping so much; your body and mind are both trying to heal, and that can take a lot of energy.

Sorry to hear you haven't been able to talk to your counsellor. I can imagine how much harder that's making things. Allow me to tell your instincts to sit down and shut up. Right now, it seems your depression has the steering wheel on said instincts, and is trying to zoom up the freeway on the wrong side of the road. Sooner or later your counsellor will get better, and you will have that outlet again. Meantime, you can vent on here whenever you need to. I'm listening, you have my word.

As for me, having a bit of a bad day, today. Not the worst, but I pushed myself too hard socially the last couple of days. They were great days, but compounded my sleep problems, and I crashed again last night when the exhaustion caught up with me. Got some sleep after work today, and that's helped a bit, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still struggling. What a healthy pair we are. 😕

Hope today has been a little better for you, and that you have pudding. If you don't, I made rice pudding just now, and I'm willing to share.

[lookingforme]

Hey Blue, you were up late writing that, weren't you? I hope you got some rest. I just got home from the hospital, went straight from work. The clinic at work wanted me to go immediately before the end of the working day but there's the insurance to think about. I have to go for an ultrasound, so back to the hospital on Saturday. Fridays are pretty much non-functioning days here. I'm Thinking about taking a phlebotomy course so I can just IV everything into me. Much easier. Pain killers are certainly more effective that way. I am using a lot of energy, I can feel it sapping away. I have to remind myself, one more day, that's all, just one more day.

I know she'll heal, and I want her to take her time with that. And I truly appreciate you listening, I feel the sincerity. Problem is, a lot of what I want to say just wouldn't quite make it on these forums. I've written all of it down and I go back to it and add, or just read it. And I ask myself, do I still feel the same? Better? Worse? I haven't been feeling better. My meds aren't exactly working, or my brain is simply outpacing them. You are absolutely right, depression has the reins now. It's like autopilot on a plane, the machinery and software is taking over, but my machinery and software are fundamentally flawed. I am self aware but unable to do anything about it. Feel free to give my depression a talking to. I am imagining you with a rolling pin, now that I know you bake. How'd those cookies then out? I love shortbread.

Ah healthy is for amateurs. I'm glad you had a social outlet the last couple of days. Definitely a step up from your first post on this thread. Being social can also be very draining. I know it takes a lot out of me, even when I'm with my best friend. So two days sounds intensive. And catching up on rest is better than not resting, but I'm sorry that you are still struggling. Just to clarify, is it your schedule and neighbour that doesn't allow you to sleep or do you have issues with sleeping? I've been told that there are more ways than just sleep to get rest. This person hasn't been seep deprived before I think.

I don't have pudding sadly. Thank you for the offer, but I'm not allowed pudding until I see the specialist and do that scan...I definitely have to clarify that. It's all about perspective.

I just ate, so I'm expecting a wave of pain soon. Hope those pain killers still work through the night.

Thanks for being there. Maybe tomorrow I will vent where acceptable

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Yeah, I was up pretty late. Trying to get some enjoyment out of my day after taking care of various responsibilities. Rest has gone out the window, today. Neighbour started up again. Called the cops this time... they took so long to come out the noise stopped before anyone got here. I think it's going to take a long time to make this problem go away, even if I'm consistently proactive about it. And yes, it's largely the schedule and the neighbour causing my sleep problems. Only rarely do I have trouble sleeping now, when I go to bed. Sometimes it's just that I want to do things and not go to bed - schedule as it is, I inevitably have to choose between being a person for a while or sleep. I almost never get both in the same 24 hour period.

Do they have an idea of what they might find, with the ultrasound? I'm not well versed in medicine, and abdominal pain can be caused by a whole bunch of different things.

Hopefully your counsellor will be better soon. As you know, I'm happy to listen, but you're right about the limitations of what you can talk about on here. They throw rather a spanner in the works. Being a frank speaker, I have to reign in my language (not just the swearing) quite a lot to get things through. There's also the factor of how public it is. I'd rather not be identified by people I know in relation to some of the things I need to get off my chest. Whilst I am quite open about my depression and a handful of the contributing factors, there are limits to how much of my private history I want all and sundry to know.

Had to laugh at the image of me with the rolling pin. I pictured a flour-covered apron, as well. Not quite me, I must say. I seldom use a rolling pin, though when I do, it does have violent overtones (smashing up biscuits for cheesecake bases, typically... let's call it symbolic). (*wags rolling pin aggressively at your depression*)

You've been on the new meds a while now, haven't you? Long enough to know if they're going to do anything useful, surely, and it doesn't sound promising. That doesn't mean there's no hope, but that these may not be the right meds for you. I'm sure you know there are several classes of anti-depressants, so you're not at all out of options. For me, it was a serotonin–norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor, for you it may be something completely different. I'm not entirely sure how it works, but sounds like your depression is more than reactive, like mine is. May be a different chemical process.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I must admit, the social side of my life has improved significantly. I've accepted that some of the people in my life I'm just not going to see as often as I'd like, and have made more time for a different group, in the meantime. Developing those relationships more has been really rewarding, and I'm getting more time with my sister, which is good. I guess partly I was rallying against not being able to do stuff in the evening, as I'm naturally a night person, as is the case with most of my male friends, whom I hardly get to see any more. I am developing a greater appreciation for women through all this, as I've always struggled a bit to identify with other women, though I really do miss having male company other than in my relationship. I used to spend my time almost exclusively in male company, and it was a comfortable, nerdy space. Most girls just don't get that side of me, or are only about 20% as nerdy, including the ones I've been spending a lot of time with recently.

You're right that social stuff is exhausting. Even when I'm enjoying it, I'm pretty keen for me time, after. And yeah, I think that person who said there are more ways than sleep to rest is probably a bit lacking in life experience. It's true to an extent, but certainly does nowhere near the sort of good needed when one gets to that stage of near-hallucination or feeling like throwing up from sheer exhaustion. That's where I was, Wednesday. And my hot water bottle decided to spring a leak that night, adding a soggy bed to my problems.

My shortbread turned out okay, if a bit funny shaped. I got a new cookie sheet, yesterday, that should fit a bit better in my oven. Will get another one soon, so I can still make big batches. My other half loves my shortbread. Pudding came out well, too. It was a bit experimental, as I don't have Grandma's recipe (she did a great rice pudding, but she's gone now), and I don't want to call the aunt who has it because I can't stand her. You can have virtual pudding, old bean, it's all about thinking of the taste, no owie tummy involved. 🙂

By all means vent here whenever you need to. Whether helping or being helped, talking to you does me a lot of good. Thank you for that.

[lookingforme]

😕 blasted neighbour...do you have other neighbours who have the same complaint? Is there, body corporate that governs your neighbourhood? I can only imagine how frustrating it is to have to choose between indulging in being human or resting so maybe you can function the next day. I just have sleep issues. It's very erratic. I sleep too much or I sleep too little or I don't sleep or I sleep but keep waking up. And I have troubling and vivid dreams.l thrown in there.

They think it's acute gastritis. Want to confirm that and rule out the pancreas, gall bladder and bile duct. I'm not too concerned about my liver because my liver function was perfect. I was concerned as the only new thing in my diet has been the increased dose of meds in the morning, and I had a few of the symptoms I should watch out for that present when the liver is affected. So that's a relief. Not that I can still take my meds, just that my liver hasn't been affected. I've still got a few good drinking days in me after all. The pain's been located in the upper abdomen, right under the diaphragm, so that's why they are checking all those other things.

Yea, there is so much I want to say but I know I can't say, and when you factor in who can read, you don't want to say it anymore. Everything I put up about myself when it comes to depression is edited and edited in my head. To the point sometimes that what's the use in posting. And like you, I don't want a lot of people knowing about my past. Speaking of, my mum said an absolutely absurd thing about depression and then I got an ignorant nurse. I'll tell you about it in another post.

Hah, in my mind you had the flour coated apron on as well. I thought rolling pins were more about violence than rolling 😛 my depression should be very afraid.

Yeah, I don't think these are working. I'm on an SNRI, I get full blown tremors on SSRIs. And this new one is a dopamine something. If it produces it or keeps it in my system more I'm not sure. I've had depression for at least a decade, but back then I never knew what to call it. And I definitely had traces of it growing up. Like a diluted version that got more concentrated over the years because it was never addressed or the way I felt was never addressed even though I was quite vocal at the age of 5 about how I felt my family was treating me and how I was feeling. Just never taken seriously. Where that voice is now I don't know. There were some things that happened too that i didn't share.

[lookingforme]

I'm glad that you're opening yourself out more to maximise that which you felt was lacking. I agree with you, women aren't as nerdy as men. But, I did do science so, I have met quite a few nerdy women in my travels. I remember a Friday evening at the lab. We'd put down the experiments to go have some drinks, as Friday was "social night" and I felt like I belonged for the first time. Just amongst these people who think like I do, appreciate sciences like I do, and talk about how we're not going to survive the zombie apocalypse and why, from an evolutionary stand point we would have been selected for or against etc. Felt good. Are you required to do more woman things because of the shift? I can see you're taking the change in your stride, so I'm seeing positives. In terms of the male relationships, I suppose a balance may arise. It is always possible that a balance will arise, though there is no guarantee of how soon that will come.

Yea, she's never been pushed to that point. She won't accept what happens even after I've described it to her so...I just let it go. It's not at all a great place to be, are you feeling better now? Any hope of resting on the weekend?

Shortbread is shortbread in my book, I don't judge, I just devour. Grandmas always have the best recipe. I will take that virtual pudding and...yup, delicious. What I am seeing is you throwing yourself back into something you enjoy so, you may be picking yourself up slowly? In spite of the fatigue and the crappy neighbour? It's good to see. I know a few posts back you had a hard time seeing it, so I'm letting you know.

And thank you for telling me that and the safe space. I'm touched.

I promised you a choice moment with my mother: Yesterday,on the way to the hospital, I'm in pain and can't handle anything and she wonders out loud to me that she can't understand how people can get depressed so easily. She referenced my aunt who has been the main caregiver of my uncle (mum's brother), who has alzheimer's and is now pretty far progressed, for 6 years. And me. She looked a me and said she only wished I was more like her. Because apparently, when she gets sad, she just picks herself up. Such a comfort.

And the nurse last night, I was telling her what meds I was on so whatever meds I was given wouldn't have an adverse reaction. She asked why I was depressed. I don't look depressed so what makes me depressed. Luckily I didn't have to ask for a different nurse because it was shift change.