Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Fiatlux]

Good morning dear friends,

Oh Grandy, I hope I haven’t bought up any trauma for you and we are all so grateful that you are safe.

I just spent an hour typing out a reply but then my screen froze and I lost the content. 

So have a lovely day dear friend 🙏🏼

[Fiatlux]

“ Volunteering is an act of heroism on a grand scale. And it matters profoundly. It does more than help people beat the odds; it changes the odds”.  William J Clinton

[Fiatlux]

Hi there everyone who visits this post,

Grandy, each time I log into here, I see your original post from August 2017. Time has flown by so quickly but it dawned on me that I have posted elsewhere that the Month of August is particularly hard for me as it’s a month full of grief and anniversaries of people who I have lost in August. My beloved dad, my father in law, my beautiful soulmate bestie and only last year in 2023 my younger sister, who I have written about elsewhere also. 

But, what has me feeling stressed at the moment is another type of anxiety which I haven’t talked about at all. Almost a year ago we were victims of a home invasion, aggravated burglary. We were fortunate in one aspect, that we slept through it. The burglary happened about 4am and somehow we managed to sleep through it while they drove away in my car. Although my car was found the next day by police, I didn’t get it back until the end of August last year. I was housebound that entire time.

I am not superstitious but it was Friday the 13th and was up until midnight watching tennis on a very hot night. I was tired and sleep deprived and usually I would take my handbag, keys and iPads etc upstairs to my bedroom with me. But this time I had left everything downstairs in the kitchen. Possibly fortunate for me in one aspect as the burglars found my keys quickly. The police tell me that they at least didn’t need to ransack the house or worse. Thank goodness they didn’t see my handbag which was covered by a jacket. 

Since then we have tightened security around the house, however my son, who lives here still does not lock or even close doors behind himself. I have come downstairs so many times to find our doors unlocked. It stresses me out so much and I’m afraid to speak to him about it. He simply doesn’t care. My son was away in Thailand last November to December and I felt much calmer that he wasn’t here. Since he’s been back, he’s ruder and even more careless. Every time I remind him to please lock the doors, he grunts at me. I dearly would like it if he moved out.

On Saturday he screamed abuse at me, called me all sorts of vile things and I can’t get him to move out. He’s 27 next month. I keep ignoring him hoping that he’ll change or grow up or see the error of his ways. I had my issues with my own parents but I haven’t lived with them since I was 19. I think he’s just too old to be living at home. I don’t do his laundry, I don’t do his cleaning as he doesn’t deserve it but makes an awful mess everywhere he goes. He’s a little nightmare. I wanted him to move to his grandmothers house but he’s not liking her either at the moment. All because she told him that he was too thin and needed to eat more. Isn’t that what all grandmothers do and say. We were just a lot more respectful if our parents or grandparents said something that annoyed us. Goodness I would never have sworn at them the way he swears at me. His attitude is wearing me down on top of everything.

I know that all children are different but my eldest son is respectful and so to my daughter. But this one is spoilt in the worst possible ways.

Thank you for listening and letting me vent. Feeling very anxious. 🙏🏼

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Fiatlux, mmMeKitty, Quirky Deebi 👩‍❤️‍👩, and everyone….🤗

No sweetheart you didn’t bring back any trauma for me, although I was frightened, I was also at the same time feeling so grateful that my son’s family got out safely…

I really am feeling heartbroken about the way your son is treating you, you don’t deserve that at all, your such a beautiful and caring person, I’m sure he knows that and uses it to his advantage….Hopefully he might reconsider moving in with his grandparents….Does he talk to them respectfully?…….Im thinking that maybe he picked up/ learnt this behaviour from his Dad?….Even though my sons saw and heard things from their dads behaviour which no one ever should witness, they are kind and caring towards me, don’t swear around me…but I have witnessed my eldest son behaviour around his partner (not abusive, more like, no patience, anger) and it upset me enough to try to ., I suppose, to get him to remember how that kind of behaviour damaged me….and our family…He has since and still does get counselling and my daughter in law has told me, he is now a much better person…unfortunately my children are triggers for me, I love them so deeply but feel a lot of guilt when I’m with them…

Wow, Fiatlux that would have been so scary, the home invasion, just an idea, maybe if you left the door latch thingy open, so you he closes it, it automatically locks…or even a heavy duty spring on the door connected to the door way, so it springs shut everytime someone opens it 🤷🏻‍♀️…not sure if that’s possible…something like the screen doors have on them..

I never lock my front door and my back sliding glass door is always left open, day/night to when I’m not home…it’s pretty safe where I live, plus my dogs have always got access to the house and all the yard…they wouldn’t hurt anyone but they do go crazy with barking at strangers, hopefully enough to scare them away….They certainly wake me up at night to let me know if a fox, cat, kangaroo, echidna, or some other creature is hanging around😂

I really need to have a good talk to myself and get up from this lounge I’m glued to and do some housework….give my dogs a haircut and wash today….lack of motivation or laziness?…I don’t know but I do need to change this part of me..

My love, care and hugs everyone…💜🦋🤗.

👩‍❤️‍👩Grandy..

[Fiatlux]

Thank you for your kind reply Grandy,

My mother in law lives alone. She will be 84 in March. As husband is an only child, she has no other family. My son visits her several times a week and runs errands for her. He is very loving and respectful towards her but will rant about her to his dad. Unfortunately I don’t have any contact with her at all. She doesn’t want to have anything to do with me as I dared seperate from her son in 2019. But he was having an affair before that and during that time but of course none of this is important. I held a lovely birthday lunch for my Daughter in March 2020 and it was also mother in law’s 80th birthday so she was there as guest of honour too. But I haven’t seen her since.

I admit that I had a heated telephone conversation with her once where she berated me for 3 hours when I finally had enough. My phone was burning my ear off. I ended the call by telling her (under my breath) oh, F off and I hung up. That’s the worst thing I have ever said to her but she only recently told husband that I called her awful names and swore at her. Which is untrue. But it’s a she said, she said argument.

She complains that she is lonely but husband has also told me to never ever go to his mother’s house again. So I don’t. I was silly enough to ask him to ask her if she would like to come over for dinner on Christmas Eve if she was so lonely. She hasn’t been to our home since 2016 when my father in law was still alive. Of course husband came back to me with, that’s nice of you for thinking of her, but she is not coming as she still believes that I called her names. This being bought up more than 4 years after the fact sparked another argument. I have had conversations With her since our 2019 separation and even spent Christmas at her home that year, but yet she holds onto this grudge.

I think the most awful thing she has ever done was to phone me a few days before Christmas in 2019 to tell me that she had just heard about my cousin ending his life and wanted to let me know. I hadn’t been informed about his death and it was like a slap in the face. She then continued on to discuss Christmas lunch. I was on the kitchen floor in my apartment while she carried on talking. I told her that I needed to call my Aunty about my cousin’s death. So I ended the call with see you for lunch on Christmas Day.

I almost forgot about my dear cousin who I lost in 2019. He was a few years older than me and I adored him. We all loved him. He was an only child so was always over at our house hanging out with my brother and of course he always had time for me. He had never married nor did he have any children of his own but he was a wonderful school teacher. His students adored him. I think the loneliness had gotten to him. I wished so desperately that I had reached out to him but I was so wrapped up in my own messy abused life that I never thought that I could reach out to anyone for help or to help. My Aunt, my dad’s youngest sister, has been the only relative who made any effort to support me… thank you 🙏🏼

[Fiatlux]

Good evening dear friends,

I did type a reply to you all, however Moderators may not publish it…

I will wait to see if it appears.

Have a lovely Friday night. Fiatlux 

[demonblaster]

Hey there bbff 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and everyone 🖐

Hey darlin wow I always say we barely see January. The time just goes so fast. Sorry darlin it’s been ages it seems since I landed here 🤗 If I was here as often as thoughts of you there’d be no room for anyone 😄

Good it sounds like works back to normal for you. Love you have there and that the workers there make it feel good for you. So happy hearing that. 
Must have been awful the butterflies turning into birdies poor darlin. That settled which is the main thing sweet lady.

Im hopeful your arms have settled at least a bit with the break darlin. Hope the needles are still giving you some reprieve too like they were. Boy you’ve really had a terrible time with them eh. So hard not doing our normal things that we don’t think much about.

You goin ok sweety physically asking about your whole bod love how’s it going ?
And mentally too darlin 😊. Hopefully work being a good distraction will keep beasty at bay too. 
You’re a survivor precious Grandy. Keep up the good work dear friend.

Ah thank you for your lovely visit at mine geez I’m so slack lately but will land there and have a natter. Always great seeing you 🤗

Yikes it’s getting pretty steamy here, I imagine the days are cooking there in your neck of the woods. Blagh to the heat but I accept it’s how it is although count down the mths till better cooler weather 😄

Hey Starts good seeing you Huns. I think as well about you and as Grandz put it so well also hoping your life’s being better for you 🤗

Grandy love we’re just going to have a squiz at the op shop, very close to here. 

I will improve with my visits you know how dearly I love and cherish our friendship sweetheart. You’re a beautiful soul.

Catch you again darlin friend. Be safe and happy. Everyone take good care. 

Hi Kitty I’ll bbl at mine to chat and reply to you too. I read at times the emails so am keeping an eye on youse too.

love you Grandy girl 😊🤗👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌈🦋👀🍫

[Fiatlux]

Good Evening Dear Friends,

I am so relieved that it’s Friday. I survived another week.

 The sadness and loneliness has been hanging over me like a dark cloud all week.

 I have been crying on and off every day. It gets harder each week.

Yesterday I did quite a lot of baking and cooking in preparation for my eldest son commencing night shift. I love cooking for him. He’s always grateful and compliments my meals. I like him to have proper meals at work. Unfortunately he had trouble with his internet and was waiting for a service tech to arrive. He hadn’t slept much and was already tired heading into work so he couldn’t drop in for dinner yesterday, but dropped by this afternoon. We had dinner together, just the two of us and it was lovely. He took a nice slab of my carrot cake as well as a couple of curries that will keep him going for a couple of nights.

When my son and I are alone, things are calm and peaceful. If his father happens to be here on his visits, it’s always stressful and tense. Husband has to dominate every conversation. Hovers around and gets in the way. He just doesn’t get it. My son likes to eat in peace and we have quiet chats. I don’t like to stress my son with a barrage of questions. Often he tries to keep his dad happy but will tell him that he’s not going to speak about certain things, especially where his work is concerned. Last week when he was over for dinner, he did just that. Just said, Dad, a lot of what I do is sensitive and confidential. I don’t want to talk about it and I shouldn’t. It’s like husband just doesn’t like me to have any one to one time with him. He even walks him out to the car as he’s leaving and just doesn’t shut up. Always jabbering on about nothing.

I know that I am whinging about it now, but husband can control my relationship with my younger son, as he openly tells my son how awful I am.

My younger son is easily manipulated by him. All husband has to do is offer him something that he can’t deliver but he’s a manipulator. I tell my son the truth and he doesn’t like to hear it, but I don’t lie to gain advantage and favour. It’s completely unfair.

When my son was getting ready to leave for Thailand, I paid him some annual leave, which he was entitled to for spending money. Unbeknownst to me husband paid for airfare, accommodation and insurance but then also gave a large sum of cash on top of everything else. Again this was all done without my knowledge. Husband was so upset that my son messaged me and sent me pictures and videos just about every day to keep me informed and reassured that he was safe and well. It was his first overseas trip and I was concerned for him. I didn’t pay him to keep in contact with me.

I suppose my son knows how much I truly love him.

On a happier note, my son in law sent me some photos of my daughter in the snow. They finally had snow! She’s as beautiful as ever. 

Good night, lovely people, Grandy, Kitty, ER and Quirky and anyone and everyone who visits this post. 🙏🏼  Peace and love Fiatlux 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Deebi👩‍❤️‍👩, Fiatlux, mmMeKitty, Quirky and everyone 🤗..

Thank you all for posting here, Fiatlux your afternoon sounds beautiful with your son, I’m so happy you had that time with him….

Its sad isn’t it how a spouse/partner can say horrible things about the other to their children….Even though my children witnessed my abuse and received abuse by their father, I still to this day, let them know that their dad loved them….which I’m sorry to say is a lie….Hubby told me differently…They say things happen to us for a reason…yeah right…I wish I knew the reason….I know I lied to my sons, but every child needs to know that both parents love them….

Deebi👩‍❤️‍👩,  Thank you honey, my arms are feeling not so sore now…maybe around 80% functional in both arms…Pinched a nerve in my back last Saturday while bringing in the trolley, wow it felt like a bolt of lightening going through it…was unable to move much for a week + but so grateful it’s getting better now and I can move around a bit now…..I had this spot come up a few months back, Dr. checked it with her magic light and said it doesn’t look suspicious…over a few months  it grew out and crusty, then the dust fell off….Dr checked it again last week after I told her about it and showed her….Now, another look with her magic light and it looks suspiciously like melanoma and I’m being operated on (day surgery) at her clinic end of March to remove it all….not looking forward to that….I hate needles so much…and stitches yuck!…

Love you too Deebi, it’s okay about replying at yours or mine or anyones else’s thread sweety lady….love never dies, no matter if it’s anonymous or distance between talks…💜🤗🦋..

Sending my love, hugs and care to everyone…❤️🤗🦋..

👩‍❤️‍👩Grandy…..(it’s still on my slipper dear friend) 👩‍❤️‍👩 🥿…4 eva.

[Fiatlux]

Oh Dear Grandy,

Please take care of that melanoma. They are vile vicious and unpredictable. Complete removal is for the best. Thank goodness you have had it looked at. Keep a close eye on it till March.

Thank you for your kindness. I receive more kindness, respect and understanding from the beautiful people here on BB, than from the people in my real life.

Maya Angelou, once said, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”.

Husband will from time to time do or say something to keep reminding me who he is, just in case I may have forgotten. 

Keep safe and healthy beautiful BB friends. FiatLux 🙏🏼