Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Fiatlux]

Good morning Grandy and everyone here,

Thank you for your kind words. I lost my fur baby in October 2020. I still miss her. Although she was 12 was diabetic and had lost her sight in the last month of her life she was still lively and behaved like a little puppy. I took her to live with me in my apartment. I had a large double balcony off the bedroom end and an enclosed courtyard so she could come in and out as she pleased. We actually made new friends for the first time in our lives. Lots of other lovely ladies living alone with their fur babies. We had a little dog walking community. I miss that so much. I have wanted to adopt a dog but the cost is ridiculous now. My Aunt had puppies for sale for $1200 and messaged me in case I wanted one. I sadly declined. I’m too old for puppy training again. I need a small to medium low maintenance dog who doesn’t need a dog groomer. There were so many people buying puppies during our COVID lockdowns and then abandoning them once it was all over. 

Re my husband, you are absolutely spot on. Hit the nail on the head.

Have a great weekend everyone 🙏🏼

[Fiatlux]

Good evening everyone,

mmMekitty, something you wrote earlier and an event earlier today with my disrespectful younger son has bought up things that I had forgotten or let go of. I had another heated conversation with my Narc Husband as well and this too bought back memories of Christmas and other events spent with my family and his parents.

As I am 1 of 4 kids and Nard H is an only child we would always do Christmas lunch with my family as the grand kids were always excited about seeing each other. When we all arrived at mum and dad’s house everyone was happy and genuinely excited to see each. That and the fact that my parents especially my dad would put on a lavish spread. My dad was an amazing cook and thoroughly enjoyed feeding us. My mother was an amazing pastry cook and we loved her cakes. We got along well. Had fun conversations and doted on each other’s children. Christmas was fun.

It dawned on me tonight that by the time we arrived at my in-laws, father in law was pretty well intoxicated. He was drinking on the sly. But this happened regardless of whether we were there for lunch or dinner. He was always slurring his words and ready for a fight. Husband would shake his head and sometimes he’d have a go at his father. But often mother in-law hadn’t prepared dinner and was waiting for me to arrive to cook the barbecue. Yup! I would have to do the barbecue at their house as neither she nor father in law were capable. I actually started to panic every time we were on the drive over to their house. Husband would berate me in the car and warn me to not argue with his intoxicated father. Father in law would just pick at me constantly about religion, politics and of course would tell me what a terrible mother I was as I worked full time. Oh, the relief that I felt when it was all over.

My children miss their Christmas with my family and although they loved both their grandparents I am so sure that they picked up on a lot of what was going on. 

Anyway, I am watching tennis and starting up a journal for 2024. I need to document these things.

Peace and love to you all and Hugzies 🤗

[mmMekitty]

Hello Fiatlux, Grandy & everyone.

I can see how much you wanted to give your kids what your own parents gave you, especially the happy memories of being happily together. You simply can't do that all by yourself - the other adults have to be willing & able to make these memories for the kids, grandkids, etc. These things are group efforts.

Journalling, a great idea. It takes some courage to open up those parts of your past, to put those memories into words & onto the page/computer screen. That's how I got to where I could evenname feelings, then to begin to talk about them with a psychiatrist. At first, writing it all out, allowing myself to just let it happen, from brain to pen, no hesitating, no censoring. & I din't write about things just once thinking it was all done, either. I quickly realised, I'd have to go over & over, so long as these thoughts & feeling swirled in my head, like cyclone in there, looking for a way out. It was painful, but I think, well-worth the effort.

I think you've already made a start, here on BB, telling us what you have.

Now I am older, & I"ve been looking back & understanding more from an adult perspective what was going on while I was a child, my views are more tempered. My parents drank more than I had known, more than was purely social. They did try to give us the whole great big Xmas. There were other social things, too. They went out of their way to include neighbours, allowing kids to gather at our place, to play & hang out. Problems could arise, especially as more alcohol was added as the day wore on, or if it was a nighttime party. Even when sober, my (ex-)step-mother could be insulting, demeaning & sarcastically rude to people, us kids or any other adult she 'targeted'. I think, my father may have found it all entertaining. He never stopped her. As far as I was concerned, she was the 'spoiler', but now I see, his attitude, his non-interference was a 'spoiler' too.

But what did they know? For all I know, their own parents were unstable, or had other problems themselves.

At some point, I have imagined, the parents would get a clue & realise there must be a better way.

Was I hoping for too much?

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Everyone,

Grandy, yes, I think school, even kindergarten, are places where kids learn about hierarchies, cliques, peer pressure, bullying etc. Sometimes bullying unfortunately starts even earlier. But the school environment can be particularly tough for sensitive and vulnerable children. I found the whole thing of cliques completely alienating at school. I could never play the social games others seemed to play. I was too straight forward and didn't understand manipulation, peer group dynamics etc. I remember one day almost everyone had been bullying this one girl and she had no one to play with. So I ended up playing with her and a long term friend came up to me and said she would not play or speak with me again because I was associating with the 'uncool' girl. I hated seeing bullying and always wanted to support the bullied person. I remember thinking well if the friend who won't speak to me anymore behaves that way she probably wasn't really a friend anyway. If only we could all retain the innocence of the very small child and perhaps it is what we find again when we do get to spend time with those very young ones. It is such a precious time.

Fiatlux, I think journalling can be a great way of making sense of things. I did a lot of it about 18-20 years ago when I was beginning to process a lot of stuff. I'm so sorry you had to put up with that treatment at your in-laws place. It sounds like they had some narcissistic traits of their own and perhaps this is where it has come down to your husband. Earlier today I watched a video on YouTube by Dr Ramani entitled "Narcissists Use Weaponised Incompetence" while trying to work out to handle someone I'm dealing with at present. What Dr Ramani describes sounds quite similar to your parents-in-law. You end up doing everything for the other person/people who act like they are not capable so you have to take care of it. Thank you for your post about your mother-in-law on the other thread. I did reply to it this morning but it never appeared. I then replied again to explain it hadn't appeared but that didn't appear either. Sometimes there is a delay or otherwise I can chase up it with ModSupport.

MK, it seems that with stuff passed down generationally, some people are able to break the generational patterns and others not. Some are particularly trapped in past trauma patterns, even feeling kind of safer staying with the status quo. Others cannot bear to have the same patterns repeat and become determined to make changes. My parents definitely both carried trauma that came down through their parents and I wished they could have done more to break the patterns. It can be extremely hard to break them though when so under-resourced themselves and without guidance. My parents came from a background where they never would have sought psychological help. I'm glad I have been able to do that and find ways to work through stuff, though I am still working through it and no doubt it's a lifelong endeavour. I feel like I'm only really starting now to become empowered in my life in a way that would make me a reasonable parent, but it's too late age-wise to be one. I can see how massively under-resourced my parents were and I do feel much gratitude for the things they were able to give me, given the circumstances they each came from, but do also wish they hadn't done certain cruel behaviours that did a lot of damage. I hope to eventually reconcile these opposing experiences I had with them and have moments, at least, where I feel I have made peace with things.

Sorry, I wrote a lot there, sparked by all your thoughts! Kind thoughts to everyone 🤗

[Fiatlux]

Good morning dear friends,

ER, I absolutely appreciate your input. Thank you for taking the time to reply and add your valuable insights. I look forward to reading your other posts as well.

mmMekitty, the rude, demeaning, sarcastic person in my family was my eldest sister. Although she would laugh after insulting someone like she meant it as a joke, she was serious. She would constantly talk about other cousins and how much she hated them. She especially hated a female cousin who was just a year older than her. I will call her Elle. We hadn’t seen Elle for several years and big sister announced that she was so jealous of Elle but hated her at the same time. Elle was unwell, had inoperable brain tumours which affected her ability to function. One particular Christmas after big sis had finished insulting Elle, guess who showed up at mum and dad’s house with her family in tow. Elle adored my dad, her only maternal uncle and wanted to see my dad that Christmas Day as she missed him. It was as if Elle was being guided to dad’s house. Her ears must have been burning. My big sis was so sickly sweet towards Elle. I was speechless watching my sister giggle and fawn all over Elle when only minutes earlier telling us all how much she hated her. (I hope you understand what I have written). I have always liked Elle.

Grandy, after having a heated conversation with Narc H yesterday about just about everything. This morning he brings me coffee and starts chatting about tennis, football etc. It’s his regular routine. I am so bewildered yet again. There’s never a sorry from him. I thanked him for the coffee and then asked him to leave the room so I could shower and get ready for the day.

We have another warm humid day. Possibly storms later. I have been running my new dehumidifier in my bedroom for 2 days and the amount of water it has collected is alarming. I emptied the 35 litre capture tank 3 times already. My bedroom carpet always feels damp under foot. It’s awful. 

Have a lovely Sunday dear friend and look forward to our next catch up. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[mmMekitty]

Hello Grandy, Fiatlux, ER & everyone,

It sure is confusing when people are friendly & seem to be caring one minute & disagreeable & bullying the next, charming & considerate, then selfish & cruel. 

My (ex-)step-mother was at least consistent. 

Back at work again, Grandy...how is it going? Did you have some butterflies to tame? I know when I was volunteering, after the Xmas & New Year break, I'd feel the butterflies, almost like the first day I went to work. Me & my butterflies soon settled down.

*

As I reflect, over time, compassion grows (replacing anger, bitterness & resentment) towards those less capable than myself. I'm not sure what happens with the sadness & pain, though. Maybe these feelings are the ones I can simply let go.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone ,

just catching up on this thread.

so many people are so kind and understanding even when they have their own struggles.This thread helps people to share and support.

[Fiatlux]

Good evening dear friends,

mmMekitty, you are right about compassion growing towards those less capable but I also think that some people just have it from birth… my daughter is one of those, in my opinion but now that I think of it so to is my eldest son who at eighteen, as soon as he could drive basically, joined the local SES branch and has been a valued member and leader for 10 years now. He just has that drive to get out there and help others in times of crisis. 

I haven’t boasted much about him but last March he was finally awarded The National Emergency Medal for his volunteer work during the 2019-2020 Bushfires. It was a big deal and we attended the medal presentation ceremony as the medal was presented by Our GG David Hurley. I am a very proud mum. The bushfires were just one crisis that my dear son risked his life and safety to help others. I won’t go into details but he ended up in Mallacoota. 

But going back to growing compassion… in relation to our homeless epidemic, it’s gut wrenching to see this. On the occasions that I would venture out to my local Aldi, I often saw a young man sitting outside with a sign detailing his story. Became homeless after loosing his job due to COVID. Lots of people would give him food and money but I had no idea where he was sleeping. Each time I saw him he looked older and older and scruffier. Then one day he vanished. I often wonder where he is and hope that he is doing well.

mmMekitty you are amazing that you are still thinking of those less capable than yourself 🙏🏼

[startingnew]

Hi Grandy 

I just wanted to stop in and say hello. i think of you often. 

Hello to everyone here too 

[Ggrand]

Hello Fiatlux, Quirky, mmMeKitty, Eagle Ray, Deebi👩‍❤️‍👩, and everyone….🤗,

Hi little Butterfly, it’s really beautiful that you popped in and that you think of me often….as I have often thought about you and always hope that life has gotten better for you 💜🙏🤗….How are beautiful butterfly?…

Work on Saturday went well thank you mmMeKitty, I think the butterflies I felt before bed on Friday night, turned to birds😁….my mind can make life very difficult for me, I am pleased the first day of work is over and done with, now back to my usual routine for this year….It was a very busy day Saturday as  was Monday and I’m predicting that today will be as well…It’s  unbelievable how much donations did and are still coming in….we are finding it hard to keep up….nice to see my work colleagues again, they seem to make me feel that I do belong in this world in a social sort of way….without work, I wouldn’t go out of my home, work gives me a reason, and I think we all need that…

Fiatlux,  your son is a very brave young man, and well deserved of an award for his services, I was at my children’s places through those fires and helped my eldest son to evacuate his home, when I took a wrong turn and ended up on a blocked road with fire all around me, the embers where falling on my car, It was unbelievably hot in my car….a hot that I’ll never forget…..I watch in disbelief how a hot ember just touched the dry grass and immediately the grass caught alight…It was vey frightening and I was trapped* on that road for what seemed a life time, but probably only minutes, until a fire engine happened to drive passed me and directed me out off that road and to a safer road….I will be forever grateful to those firefighters and all the other fire fighters in our beautiful world who keep us all as safe as they possibly can….

I like what you say about compassion and how it grows, I think all children are born with compassion, love and care, but society/life takes that away from a lot of them…abusers hurt us, tear us down, destroy our soul…but cannot ever take away from us, the true person we are…my parents, eldest brother and husband all tried…but they failed, hate has no place in my heart for these people…hate kills compassion, kills our soul, takes away from us our peace….compassion grows within us with understanding and forgiveness….we cannot forget because our mind won’t let us forget, I think it doesn’t forget, because maybe those memories are in a way trying to protect us from it ever happening again…

Hugs and Love everyone..your all beautiful and amazing people…..

👩‍❤️‍👩Grandy..