Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[demonblaster]

Hi there dear Grandy 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and all other lovelies 😊

Beautiful friend and to all our friends here, wishing for everyone that you all have a lovely day and to follow. 
Sadly for many Xmas isn’t always a happy time 🤗 (hugs) 

Sweety I’ve had you on my mind all day to come and have cuppa 🍹 with you, that’s our Kahlua and Tia Maria btw but we can also have a coffee or tea 🍫 as well and even again and again 🤪

Agh I’ve lost the rest of this post 😔 think It was over the count. Was just about to check it but didn’t apparently copy as I thought. Grr. Only part did.

Ok so I’ll tell you about a gorgeous 🦋 we were watching in my next post. I immediately thought of our dear Starting new. 

So lovey I dearly hope you’ve had a good day today including all the lovely people here too. I’m sporadically reading some posts through email so sorta keeping an eye on yaz. I do care very deeply for some of the lovelies here 🖐🤗💗

So I think Grandy hun you’d be on your break. Really hope you’re going ok sweetyheart. Absolute truth you’re in my mind so often with deep love me darlin. 

We had a very nice day lot of texting some calls and chats with lovely neighbours.
Tomorrow lunch with a dear friend and couple of others it’ll be lovely I’ve no doubt. 

I sent Deendy on a direct flight to y/our veranda darlin with your 🎁 that’s loaded with love hugs and a never ending best friendship. The only catch is you won’t be able to unwrap it till I completely finish it 😅 So you can shake it to release the gorgeous Lavendar fumes that’ll keep you calm and relaxed till I drop in next… nya ha ha

Dearly hope your physical and mental health is holding up Grandz. You really deserve some reprieve. Hoping this break will ease some of the body pain. 

Really do love you sweetyheart  👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💗🦋🎁💭🕊️

Wishing happiness and the best possible good health for everyone. Thank you all for your friendship and support 🕊️☀️😇

See youse again near future 🤗💗

[mmMekitty]

Grandy, DB, Quirky, ER, Croix  & everyone else who visits here, reads hear -- wishing you have all had a wonderful & relaxeing sort of day, wihout the without the weather being severe, causing you any irritation or anxiety.

I'd just love us all to have a little break from stress & strife, you know, recharge the batteries, fortify the foundations, so we'll feel stronger as we head into the new year.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Ggrand]

Hello Debbi👩‍❤️‍👩, mmMeKitty, Eagle Ray, Quirky and everyone….🤗..

Thank you for your lovely posts,

It was supposed to be my job to hand out the toy bags to the young children for Christmas, Betty* needed to come into town that day, because she was still unable to drive, (cataract removal) I brought her with me….she took over my job…. I let her go as she was enjoying herself, I felt a little out of place and awkward….I suppose it doesn’t matter who distributed them, as long as it got done….but I was looking forward to it so much….the children were really happy and that’s what it’s all about…

Christmas Day was  sad as my neighbours dog passed away very early Christmas morning due to cancer….she was a sweet little dog that I visited and played with a lot….I had earlier declined her Christmas lunch a couple of weeks earlier but felt I needed to go over and be there for her….

Yes, Deebi, I’m on break until the 6th of January, my youngest son was coming to mine with his family…yesterday, then today and now it’s tomorrow…Gee I hope he does come…I miss my children and grandchildren so much it hurts sometimes…..

Oh Deebi, I will try hard not to open it…how hard will that be to do😂😂..I do like the scent of Lavender, it supposed to have a calming effect on us….but not so sure the fumes....Ahhh Choo, 🤧🤧..😁😂..Thank you for asking hun…my left arm is functioning at around 95%, my right at about 75%…so I’m happy to continue like this until my turn for shoulder operation comes around…was told it could be years….I’m being very careful with what I do at work…I have noticed since I’ve had a week of work, that my shoulders and leg don’t hurt as much doing everyday things….(when I do, do them) 😂😂😂😂..love you too my bbff..💜💕👩‍❤️‍👩🤗🤗🦋🌈🤧..

Thank you mmMeKitty, we did have a weird storm Christmas day, with some hail…only teeny weeny pieces of hail….the thunder was awesome, rolling around and echoing around the maintains….My brother who moved to Queensland last year, got flooded, the cyclone missed him by around 100 kilometres, but still left a mess at his…

Butterflies are very delicate and beautiful creatures…can’t wait to hear about it…I often think of Starting New…(Little Butterfly I used to call her)…a very sweet young lady..

I hope everyone has a good day today, tomorrow and everyday…sending my love, care and hugs to you all…💜🤗🦋🌈🐳🦋.

👩‍❤️‍👩Grandy..

[Fiatlux]

Hi everyone,

It has been a year since I last logged in and posted anything, good or bad.

With 2023 nearly over, I wanted to wish you well.

For me 2023 has possibly been the hardest year of all.

I spent most of it inside. I rarely ventured out to the mailbox.

To say I am alone, depressed and sad is an understatement.

Suppose I really need some online distraction from my awful life.

I listen to music and play scrabble with friends online to keep myself occupied.
I have absolutely no life outside my front door.

I don’t see anyone or speak to anyone except my eldest son occasionally. 

I’m still living with my husband and younger son but we barely coexist.

I went to a lot of effort to prepare a lovely dinner on Christmas Eve, but as every year, my husband managed to start being abusive with my younger son joining in. I left the table crying and my husband yelled at me to get upstairs. So as usual he won the Christmas battle. My eldest son left shortly after but at least sent me a thank you message when he got home. My younger son didn’t even acknowledge me or my gift. All because I wanted a quiet peaceful evening. Some things never change and I don’t know why I am so hurt. I should’ve seen it coming.

Have a Happy New Year for 2024! 

p.s. feeling better already after some venting 🙏🏼

[mmMekitty]

*TW*, Grandy & all, *TW*.

I’m aware this post from me may be difficult to read.

Hello Fiatlux,

I've been wanting to respond here for days. I still don't know if what I want to say, will help or have you diving for cover.

As I see it, what’s happening in your relationship between your husband & sons comes down to a lack of respect, most importantly of all, your lack of respect for yourself. I think your feelings for yourself have been very low for a very long time.

But, I feel like jumping up & down, shouting, "Abuse", - that's what's happening here, Fiatlux. You are in an abusive relationship with your husband, & now your sons have learned very well how to treat you, too. They are keeping their father on side, gaining his approval, or at least, not his disapproval.

You go way out of your way to please, to make a lovely Xmas dinner, imagining somehow, that this time, it would all be great, one happy family. & when it turns out to be as usual, you are going to be angry at yourself for doing this Xmas the same as before.

I don't know how many times we have to experience something before we recognise what it is, when it's abuse.

You seem to be in a rut, stuck, trapped, feeling there is no other way for you to live. then you seek escape into your computer - it passes the time, so the days, months & years roll by & still you are feeling sad, alone, hurt & unloved. & you are telling yourself all sorts of things like 'stupid', 'foolish', 'pitiful' - do I need to go on? I hope not, because I don't like to remember these thoughts myself.

How long are you going to put up with this terrible treatment of you?

Are you so caught up in there that you cannot imagine leaving him?

Is living alone, on your own, as awful as living alone with him & your son either being abusive or ignoring your existence?

Are you thinking you can't live on your own, that staying is the better option for you?

Has he got you so intimidated you won’t think anymore about leaving?

Just how frightened of him & your sons are you?

Lots of questions with hard answers for you to think about. This has been hard for me to write, painful, in fact, because I fear my post might send you scurrying away from BB.

Instead, would you think about phoning 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732)?

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Fiatlux]

Hi everyone and mmMekitty thank you.

Everything you have written is so true. Husband has been abusive and controlling since the time we met in 1985 but I was forced to still marry him. Yep, it was and still is pretty F******* up. I have come to realise and have been told that he’s a malignant narcissist. Didn’t know what that was when I was 19. But I have left him, tried to leave and planned to leave him numerous times. This time, I want him to leave but he refuses. Here’s my recent timeline.

In 2017 my daughter left with her fiancé to live in the USA. I watched their marriage ceremony via Skype as I couldn’t fly to the USA to be there in person. Husband didn’t want to watch with me, so I sat and watched it alone. My daughter was radiant and overjoyed. The first thing she did after the “I Do’s” is grab her phone to Skype with me. Her face dropped when she realised that only Mum was watching and Dad and her brother slept through it.

During 2018 I was saving up for a deposit on a small place and July 2019 I moved out to my own little apartment. It was bliss. Until of course, Husband was jealous of my freedom and I was getting my life back. I even saw a Lawyer to start the Divorce proceedings.

In typical narcissistic fashion he love bombed me, told me he would change, do anything for me to move back, even go to counseling… blah blah blah. After COVID restrictions eased up at the end of 2020 I tried to reconcile. I was back and forth between my apartment and our house.

Fast forward to November 2022, husband suggested to our eldest son to move to my apartment to save himself rent money. He was in an expensive share house with friends. So I let it happen. I left most furniture and white goods for my son. He does pay us rent. 

Our younger son soon to be 27 lives with us and was away in Thailand in November 2023 when husband sat me down and asked me to move out. I mean really? Me move out again from my own house. He wants out, he can move. I stopped taking his crap so he’s fed up with me. I’m not going to put myself into further debt at 56 to please him. It’s his time to get out this time. He spends so much time at his elderly mother’s house that he may as well live there. But he’s a cunning little narc and is now thinking about his inheritance that I will be entitled to half. So that’s where we are at. There’s a bit more, but this is a long post.

Have a wonderful day dear friends. Fiatlux

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Everyone here, Grandy, Deebi, Quirky, MK, Fiatlux, Croix...

Grandy, I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your neighbour's little dog. It was kind of you to go over and be with her. You are such a kind soul 😊 I'm sorry too that you didn't get to hand out the toy bags to the children yourself. While it may seem like a small thing, I understand that feeling of being kind of left out of something you were looking forward to. Throughout my life I've had experiences of people taking over something from me and I think that can happen with gentle people. I'm starting to learn to speak up for myself now but it's still challenging at times. I wonder if there is a light-hearted way of dealing with something like that, saying something to Betty like, "Hey, I was hoping to hand out some bags too"? Sometimes the other person isn't realising they're taking over and they need a bit of a reminder that you are there and might want to be involved too. But it's lovely the children were happy receiving them.

I hope you are enjoying your break and that you got to see your youngest son and his family. I'm glad you are having less shoulder and leg pain at the moment. I hope this is a really good year for you Grandy. You are such a loving, kind person and deserve a lovely 2024 🤗

Fiatlux, I really feel for you in your current situation. It sounds like absolutely the right decision to be finding a way out of the marriage. It sounds like there is manipulation going on and very much narc behaviour. In coming to terms with some narcissists in my life, two of whom I've gone no contact with, I've watched quite a few videos online from people like Meredith Miller and Dr Ramani about how to recognise the types of narcissists and how to handle the situation. It is especially hard with a partner you are living with. The one good thing is your kids are grown adults now and so there isn't that having to co-parent in the way you would have were they still kids or teenagers. It is frustrating that you did all that work to save for the apartment and now it's like you've kind of lost that. I'm wondering if there is a way to negotiate it back, but I realise it's tricky now with your son living there. It almost seems like your husband made that suggestion as a control thing, so he could discourage you from going back there, and now he has the nerve to expect you to move out again!

I am wondering if you have any counselling support through this, someone you can at least be debriefing about what's happening as you go through the process of navigating your way out of your current circumstances? Like MK mentions there is 1800 RESPECT too and it could be really good to have a chat with them as I'm sure they are well-versed in things like coercive controlling behaviours and navigating ways of dealing with them.

I'm glad, at least, you are feeling better since starting the hrt as you mentioned elsewhere. I know for me it is helping me in a multitude of ways and I have much less fear and anxiety since being on it and feel much more able to handle things. So I hope it does the same for you and helps give you the strength and resolve for dealing with the things in your life at the moment.

Take good care and know you are not alone 🤗

Eagle Ray

[Fiatlux]

Thank you Dear Kind Souls and especially Grandy,

I feel as though I have hijacked this thread and in my own grief forgot to mention you.

In some rather strange selfish way, I cannot wait to be a Grandmother. I look forward to being able to love again unconditionally. I absolutely love and adore my children but this love comes with conditions now that they are adults. 🙏🏼

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Fiatlux,

Babies and children are truly wonderful aren't they! I haven't been a parent though had wanted to have kids, but I get so much meaning from friend's children now. I recently spent time with my friend's 8 month old and it was such a beautiful time. I don't think it is selfish wanting to be a grandparent. It is natural to want to feel that connectivity again with the beautiful openness and innocence of children. It's like we are a loving presence for them and they mirror that back to us as they are learning about love and connection. I was talking with a lovely lady I met the other day and we were saying how we feel it is children and animals that make the world go round! I think nurturing a child is also nurturing for the self too 😊🤗

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Fiatlux, Eagle Ray, Deebi👩‍❤️‍👩, mmMeKitty and everyone else….🤗,

Please don’t apologise to me Fiatlux, you’re very welcome to talk, vent, release your emotions and thoughts here, we are all one very big caring family on these forums….

I felt sad about my neighbours dog..but poor little girl was in pain for a while, now she is pain free and resting in peace..

I am so grateful that my youngest son and daughter in law did come and visit me for a few days after Christmas…my grandson didn’t come as he was a bit sick and stayed at home…7 hours is a long time to sit and bump around if you’re unwell…I missed him, but did talk to him on the phone…it was the first time he stayed home alone….he did good….

Eagle Ray,  I agree children, young children are so innocent….then they begin school then they see a different world through there own eyes, a world that can be cruel, judgemental, where they learn about bullies, there tiny world opens up and they seem to change unfortunately, not all but a lot do…..

Fiatlux, I am so sorry sweetheart for what you’re going through….I thought I could change my husband into a more kinder person, tried for 38 years, unfortunately they don’t genuinely change, they are like the chameleon, but instead of changing their skin to suit the environment, narcissistic people change their emotions/actions/words/attitude to suit their own desires….then when they have us where they want us….change back to the narcissist person they are….it’s a never ending cycle…..I do so much wish you a life of peace sweet lady….

I hope this year is filled with peace and health for everyone…

Love and hugs everyone..💕🤗..

👩‍❤️‍👩Grandy..