Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Ggrand]

Dear Paws, Croix, Deebi, mmMeKitty, Eagle Ray, and everyone….

I have read and reread you’re posts many times…and understand  the way you’re thinking….different then mine…you’ve all been very helpful to me…..Thank you all very much…

Croix, thank you for understanding me, guilt is my biggest enemy, I know that at the time I did my best to protect myself and my children, but looking back I feel I protected myself first….then my kids….I can’t ever forget that I did that….It effects me so much that even today in this time, I am very uncomfortable around my children….I love them a lot, but guilt takes away from me something that I cannot explain….its like I’m always on edge with them….I dissociate from them when I’m with them….Guilt is a terrible thing to have a hold on someone…..

I do have some happy times in my life, especially at work with our regular customers…Last Saturday a regular lady came into the shop to shop but also brought both Betty and myself a cappuccino….we all sat down in the lunch room, chattered and even laughed while we consumed the cappuccino…..There really are some beautiful people in this world…since I’ve been in the shop, I have realised this…here at BB, the amount of beautiful and caring people are astronomical….It’s a truely wonderful place to belong to….

I will get around to replying to you all….as soon as I can….you’ve all given me so much to think about…your words are very much appreciated by me….. they’ve touched my soul deeply with your gentle and caring posts…love and hugs to you all…💕🤗..

I feel blessed to have you all in my life….

👩‍❤️‍👩Grandy…

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Grandy,

That’s so lovely the regular customer buying you and Betty a cappuccino and having lunch with you. Kind people make such a difference don’t they! You are one of those kind people and you share that kindness here 🥰 Look after yourself, you are worth it!

I feel I understand some of what you say about guilt, perhaps in a different way as I don’t have kids. But my mother taught me to parent her from a very young age, and I would often feel like I was failing. So even now I often feel like I’m doing things wrong, letting people down etc and it takes so much for me to be convinced otherwise. Your kids may understand a lot more than you may realise. And although you may feel like you protected yourself first, it was really like protecting everyone at once from an even worse situation if it escalated. Sometimes how our nervous system reacts at the time is in fact the wisest move. Be gentle with yourself and sending you hugs 🤗🤗

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear, 👩‍❤️‍👩Deebi, Eagle Ray, mmMeKitty, Paws, Croix and everyone….🤗..

Thank you all for your posts, I’m sorry it’s taken a while to pop back in to reply…

I have thought about all your posts, I don’t think it’s a matter of me not liking myself because I do like parts about me….I know this because I reach out for help when my thoughts try to destroy my body….something that triggers me into ptsd is so powerful that I’m down in a really dark place instantly…..puts me back into a different time…a time I’ve worked very hard to forget…I do try to accept that these times will always be with me, out of my control…and it’s okay to not be okay at times…..

I’ve  been here at Beyond Blue since 2017,  a total wreck when I joined these forums, suicidal and ended up in hospital with a failed attempt…..I’ve learnt and grown a lot over these 6 years….encouragement, care, wisdom, patience and the love of amazing community members like yourselves have all contributed to my growth…as well as professional help….

Trying to find compassion for my younger self is very hard….when you know that even back then,  that guilt was my biggest tormentor on a very regular basis….making the same wrong choices over and over again, never learning from the mistakes…..I can see now that manipulation turned me into being “brainwashed” and believing 100% that the most important thing in the world was to keep husband happy first, then and only then….try to make things right with my children…How dumb can one person think…Yes I know better now, but it doesn’t make it any easier…my brain won’t or can’t forgive me for that time period…..put it to sleep again, I am and hopefully to not be awakened again…..is the best I can do for now…

We can only do our best, to live our lives the best we can, I am doing that…..as I’m sure we all are…

Hugs beautiful friends…🤗🤗🤗, with my love and care..

👩‍❤️‍👩Grandy….🌜💙🌛….

[Croix]

Dear Grandy~

You have always been loving and have never been dumb -ever. Climbing Everest is a physical feat, and admired by many. How much more worthy of admiration you are, having come to triumph over the worst of circumstances.

Triumphing does not mean everything is always perfect, it means you cope and come back.

Take care of yourself , we care about the person you really are

Croix

[demonblaster]

Hey Grandy 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and everyone 🖐

Darling friend I apologise for not at least letting you know I’ve read your posts. Something that needs work on.
It’s a bit tricky atm to word as much as I’d very much like to. Know darlin girl my heart goes out to you in spades.
This isn’t about me just wanted you to know why sweety love.
YAdimh 💜 and thoughts.

Sooo glad you’re getting some serious goods being at work. I know amidst some people just being people at times 😖 but then having the balance of lovelies 🕊️ like that lady bringing the coffees was such a beautiful thing to do.
And other nice people you’ve mentioned over time that you’re getting to know. Just loven this is happening & it wouldn’t f you hadn’t stuck it out there. Power to you
Laughs are a great medicine aren’t they. Good for our memories to call on. Often something can spark reminders of good times which is really good to. Kinda like good triggers

It’s said we’re pack animals which I thinks right. I’m so happy you’re getting some people time as hard as it can be and SO good you’re seeing as you’ve mentioned which is true here particularly and at work that there are some beautiful good decent kind people around too. Hymm sounds familiar…One of my top bbffs 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 is like that too.

Grandy I can’t tell you enough how good hearing you do like at least some parts of yourself. There’s an abundance more but at least you have some self backing. We need that. In our entire lives we spend every second with ourselves. Sure helps to like ourselves.

Thanks hun for keeping us in the loop I know how hard it can be to post or talk in the darks.
Dearly hope you’re at least starting to have better days including with your arm/s and that the worst one is still holding from the needles.
Mental & physical pains so hard to live with let alone both at the same time.

Beautiful I’ll be back. aAways 👀 & listening. I’m glad for the emails here. It’s easier to keep an 👁️ on you.

Working on a 🎁 but going to run outta characters so soon I hope to have it ready for Deendy to deliver via dragon mail.

Pure deep love dear friend. Yaimtd - You’re always in my thoughts daily sweet soul & heart.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💜🦋👀

[Ggrand]

Hello Croix, Deebi👩‍❤️‍👩 , mmMeKitty,Paws ER, and everyone,

Thank you for your posts, the past couple of months have been hard to get through, time seems to help us heal, getting on with our daily lives, not letting our work colleagues down by not attending work, helping friends when they need it, all does help our soul to heal bit by bit….

Thank you all for caring, I haven’t been around the forums much lately, which I feel bad about, I am a very empathetic person, when I read of other people’s pain and hurt it breaks me up a lot in normal times, but in down times it really touches my soul and I’m a blubbering mess…not good for no one…not even myself….I feel better able to cope now….thank you all very much for the beautiful and caring people you all are…

Thank you Croix…for what you said…we do manage to cope and come back again…even if we think we can’t…we eventually do…triumph doesn’t mean everything is always perfect…🤗

Deebi, I agree about,  good feel triggers…I have had some of those but for some reason the joy, happiness we get from them only last a short time?…I wish our thoughts could do the same it does to us in bad triggers and make those good trigger feelings last days, weeks and even months, how good would that be😁…Deendy has good memories, time we dusted the dust of her and start flying around the stars,moon and clouds again…love you precious bbff…a lot 💕💙💎🤗💜👣👩‍❤️‍👩.

I’m distributing bags of toys this coming Wednesday to underprivileged children for Vinnies Christmas Welfare, while the parents get help with Christmas hampers…my first official duty on the conference…I’m looking forward to this so much….I’m sure the look on the children’s faces will be priceless…I hope I do good.

Hope everyone has a great night tonight and stays cool..wow it’s been so hot here..

Love and hugs everyone…💕🤗..

👩‍❤️‍👩Grandy.

[quirkywords]

grand

I read the posts but don’t always post. 
i like the idea of giving toys to the children who need them.

when I was a child every year at Christmas my dad took us to deliver hampers for smith family.it was an eye-opener for to see a family of 6 living in one room. 

[mmMekitty]

Hi Grandy,- giving out toys to children is a wonderful job to get to do. 😸

It's a very sensible thing to take some time when the emotions you feel about what you read here become overwhelming. Extra hugzies, dear Grandy. Recognising when you need time to look after yourself is such an achievement - something I'm still learning.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Grandy and All,

That is so lovely giving the bags of toys and the Christmas hampers Grandy 🧸🎄 Yes, it will be so meaningful seeing what it means for the kids. I find things like that really moving. After my Mum died I took quite a lot of her things, including shoes still in very good condition, to a homeless shelter in the city. The couple who ran it were the loveliest people and gave myself and some others who donated a tour of their premises and what they do. They also help people get ready for job interviews who have nothing to wear for them. The work you are doing with Vinnies makes a real difference to people’s lives. And, yes, I’m sure you’ll do good beautiful Grandy 🤗🥰

I totally understand about being sensitively impacted by other people’s stories, and how when you’re feeling vulnerable it’s even more impactful. I really feel everything too. It can be good to take a break.

Wishing you a lovely day on Wednesday and a lovely weekend too 😊

[demonblaster]

Heya bbff 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and our dear caring friends 💗

Really good as always hearing from you Grandy 💜🤗

Time really does move us out of the hards doesn’t it.
I’m convinced & talk a lot about enough sleep that makes it so much easier to navigate life. It gets majorly disrupted in hard times.
I hope one day to unlock the secrets of good sleep. I’m ok in normal times.

Oh yeah how good would it be for us to be able to not feel so much pain. Hearing everything you’re saying darlin about feeling people’s pain.very hard when we’re feeling so down and vulnerable.

Yip the memories and feelings f happy times are short aren’t they. I think although for now they can be sporadic it serves a purpose for even temporarily giving our minds a short break from pain.
With practice it’d be a weapon towards coping skills.

It’s in us Grandz and everyone. I believe this to be true.
Our brains apart from many other incredible things it does for us, learning and problem solving is a strong part of our survival.
Working out how to access or allow that area to help us doesn’t come easily but I believe it’s achievable.
I know in mania the mind opens up which might not be the mania as such, it I think is there’s more room for other thought.

I love our fantasy Grandz and you do too I’m fairly sure. It gives others an escape too. It’s Its fun creative anything goes.and gives pleasure.. what we live for... Boom!
Another way that helps open the mind is trying to get out of the habit of not accepting our first thought as being right helps although it might be it’s gd to explore.
Our internal bullies get away with way too much. I’m finding it helps ease some pain while seeing other sides that might give some light that we wouldn’t have known by not thinking more on it.
If nothing else it’s a distraction from pain while our thoughts are redirected in problem solving mode.

Darlin what a buzz & such a lovely thing to be doing for kids. Lovely that’s the start to your new role. You’re helping so many people being here and for the community. What a beautiful soul you have dear friend

I don’t want the fantasy I started the other day to stay unfinished so shall work on that asap.

I’ve been thinking to see you and saw my email this morning and here you are. Cool

So good hearing you’re finding your way through the hards Grandy. It feels like it won’t change eh but it does usually thank goods. Very taxing Pftt

Always deep love hun & 💭 Yadimh 🌈🕊️👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💜