Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Paw Prints]

Hello Dear Grandy,

Oh lass... here is the gentlest of hugs for you. I'm so pleased that you reached out for support whilst you are struggling so much. None of us can get through our dark patches without help. 

Always here for you lass

More hugs

Paws

[mmMekitty]

Hello Grandy & everyone

So sorry your emotions have been troubling you. I suspect you've been feeling in turmoil with them.

I am pleased to hear you've been talking to a counsellor & that this is helping you with what you are dealing with.

Whether you talk here or to your counsellor, whether it's old emotions or new emotions, when you feel all at sea with them, I hope you know you have someone you can turn to.

Big gentle hugzies

mmMekitty 

[Ggrand]

Dear Paws, mmMeKitty, 👩‍❤️‍👩Deebi and everyone…..🤗,.

(TW)..

I was having lunch with my friend Betty at the Soldier’s Club…..a family was sitting a few tables down from us, I saw that the young boy wasn’t eating and heard his dad (just guessing his dad) was getting angry and frustrated with him….when he pushed the fork with food on it into this boys mouth, the boy started to cry…The mum, (again I’m guessing here) got up and completely lost it with the man, yelled at the man and then pushed him, so hard he fell off the chair, the lady grabbed the boy and another child with them and walked out of the club….

My husband did something similar to my eldest son, when he was around 12 years old….but for different reasons, all my son did was look at his dad, then my husband hit my son, causing the fork to injure my son around his eye….I started to get up straight away to check my son…that was until my husband yelled at me….sit down or you’re next!….So what did I do…I sat down, shut up and chocked back the tears, that I knew if they left my eyes I would be in trouble…..

That lady in the club…now…she is a mother!….not me….sure I gave birth to them, but I never protected him/them like a genuine loving and beautiful mother would….Like she did….I never stood up against my husband for them…..I was to scared for myself to even come close to being what a mother should be….I feel I don’t deserve my children, grandchildren or great grandchild….The guilt I feel is overwhelming……my counsellor says I did what I could under the circumstances….but doing what I could back then, is just no where near good enough….not in my eyes nor any other mothers eyes….What mother lets her husband, the father of his own children do this and worse to their children and doesn’t do a thing about it?…not one…. except me..

Wish so much, that I could erase my entire life…I’m so over memories….things I’ve put to sleep for years, had forgotten about, seem to have a way of waking up…and destroying the little bit of peace I’ve found..

Grandy..

[Paw Prints]

Hello dear Grandy,

TW

I can understand that you feel you should have done more, but lass you did the best you could. From what little you have spoken about your husband on here lass, I am sure that it would not have helped your boys if, because you stood up to him, they lost their mum like so many other children have. That would have been trauma beyond anything for them. By you being there they had your love as a counterpoint to their father, it may have taken them some time to work it out for themselves, but they now know how much you love them & that you were there for them as much as was safe for all of you. Lass because of you they now have their own families, they know how important it is for a child to know it is loved, as they were & are loved by you. 

Please try and be gentle with yourself

Gentle hugs

Paws

[Croix]

Dear Grandy~

I"m not going to go down the path of 'you did what you could'. Those words may be true but do not always seem to help, the guilt - even though undeserved - is too powerful. Paw Prints may well be right however I would like to go down a different way.

Can I suggest that there are things in your life you can enjoy, or love, or feel pride in. Sitting on your front porch, your fur babys and working at the shop to cite a few.

I think since you first came here, which is a fair while ago, you have been changing, and while still fragile and become very overwhelmed by the thoughts your abuse has caused you those times are now less and you have more confidence. Not perfect but better and improving all the while.

It would be sad to wish all your life away, you do so much good here. Those horrible experiences have turned around inside you and given you great empathy and sympathy to those you write to here. You are the best at that, and nobody could substitute for you.

Go hug a fur-baby and get covered in fur:)

Croix

[demonblaster]

Hello sweet bbff 🤗 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and our other dear friends too 💗

Darling Grandy 🤗 this is a loving hug dear friend for as long & as often as you need. My heart truly goes out so much to you hearing of the horrors you’ve been & go through with triggers. 

I too am so pleased you reached out and got help. Especially in very hard mh that’s a hard thing to do. You did lovey, well done hun and talking about it here as well. That wouldn’t have been easy either I guess. I hope even a small part of the pain is a touch lighter letting this out. You have many very good friends here Grandy love that care deeply.

While reading this hearing you’re deep pain feeling you weren’t any good for your dear children what spoke so loudly was the knowledge of the deepest most genuine love you’ve always had & continue to for your children. That’s an unbreakable power Grandy. Soul food. We need it more than anything else. It carries us through life

Your children would have seen you try to comfort them and no doubt heard his reaction to you too. 

I feel apart from the ugly fact of him controlling you both mentally and physically you poor darling what a life, your instinct was right. You probably wouldn’t have been able to help them afterwards because he would have followed through as you know. This way you were able to be there for them after. Ahh darlin 🤗💗

That mother that went off at him and reacted as she did, I’m guessing a couple of things here darl. She might have had a strong support team with family/friends. Support can help us with strength and confidence.

Im guessing the “father” didn’t have control over her like your hubby did else she wouldn’t have been able to react that way. 

I really hope you’re doing as well as you can be Grandy. Awful to have that reliving in your mind. I know you don’t believe this but you’re SO much better than what bad influences in your life from a young age have convinced you of. They were wrong!

You’re so appreciated and loved dear lady by many.

Oh Darlin just before I came to yours, was reading a little about shame here. It might be of some help for you lovey. I haven’t watched the video yet but aim to.  

Always deep love 💗 and thoughts 💭👀 huns 🌈👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Grandy,

From everything you contribute here on these forums you are the loveliest, kindness person and you were not a bad mother for doing what you did in the situation you described. I know you’ve mentioned childhood trauma as well, and for those of us who have had such trauma freezing was often the only safe option we had. That freeze response can carry through to adulthood and it just switches on automatically. And it can actually be the wisest response in certain situations to avoid escalation. Your nervous system would have been acting on behalf of you and your children to prevent an even worse outcome. This response does not make you a bad mother or person. The other woman you described may have developed more of a fight response which could come from her particular childhood conditioning. The man in that situation may have been quite a different character to your husband too and the woman felt able to do what she did. There are so many variables and there is nothing in your response that was wrong. It was the best survival and protective response you had at the time.

Events like what you saw at the Soldier’s Club can be very triggering and that is more than understandable. I still get very triggered by certain things and in a microsecond I’ve gone into a trauma response as if I’m back in an original trauma. In time these things settle and you will feel better again. You are a beautiful person Grandy. Sending you hugs 🤗 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Grandy

My heart goes out to you, too, having such memories & being triggered that way. It's like, every now & then, something happens & you're right back there, in all the emotions from that time.

I, too, have done, & not done, some things out of fear for what might have happened if I did, (or didn't do) at the time. I've had to look at those times, to see if there was anything I might have done or not, & I realised, I did my best given how 'young' I was, how little I understood, how I felt powerless, terrified & alone I was. Sure hindsight offers other options I couldn't see at the time. That doesn't mean I was at fault, or to blame for the effects of my actions (or lack of actions). Yes, I am deeply sorry for how I behaved then. I know damn well I won't be behaving like that again.

I tell you this, hoping you can look at your past with some compassion for your younger self. I don't blame myself anymore, & I don't blame you either, for circumstances beyond your control.

At some point we have to stop punishing ourselves. Continuing doesn't help to heal the pain you feel.

Caring hugs to you

mmMekitty

[demonblaster]

Hey bbff 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and dear people here & reading 🖐

Sweetyheart just flying through 🧹 keeping 👀 on you darling friend. 
Only reply if and when you’re up to hun just want you to know you’re always daily & often in my mind.

It’s been a very hard slog for the past few wks I know 🤗
Grandy this isn’t anywhere near the scale of mental pain you’ve endured sweetheart but I thought I’d mention some internal chat I had with hard memories resurfacing for the unpteenth time to pull me down. 
This is very early days for me doing this with ptsd but felt it was a bit constructive that may help you or someone which would be a bonus. 

First up when I became aware from feeling a bit down that my head was steering South I thought about what I was thinking about. 

Then consciously talking within myself chose not to feel the pain anymore, acknowledged it hurt then a lot but why am I allowing myself to feel the pain each time SO often. 

Instead of going through the motions and feelings of hurting reminding myself I’ve already suffered enough over the yrs I thought that was then and now it’s not the same. 

Also tried to focus on if anything what did I do about it and the fact that I must like myself enough to feel hurt by someone else’s careless nastiness. Which led me to thinking who matters more…someone that was being horrible or me copping their crap. I deserve to like myself rather than have them like me. 

This was so far and my mind felt a little settled because of thinking further and not accepting initial negative downs on myself. I redirected feeling and thought to another area.

I guess it was challenging and exploring including defending myself which I’m realising is what we need to do to back ourselves and add to strength. 

Really love you Floss and hope so much that you’re on the way to rebuilding and regaining that little bit of peace you’re starting to have, loved hearing that. 

Hey…we got this people, we’re capable of learning and have the goods. 

Nigh night sweety oh that amazing soft dreamy coloured Dove 🕊️ is going to whisper beautiful words and watch over you darling and give you the most fulfilling relaxing sleep. 

Hold in there honey 🤗👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌈💗🍫👀

[mmMekitty]

Hello Grandy, DB & everyone

DB, wonderful words: "... and the fact that I must like myself enough to feel hurt by someone else’s careless nastiness. Which led me to thinking who matters more…someone that was being horrible or me copping their crap. I deserve to like myself rather than have them like me. "

I love to hear this from you. It's such a great perspective to have, I'd like us all to read, & re-read your words, take them into our hearts, people.

The part that means the most to me is the idea that I could mean enough to me to feel hurt by those who harmed me. If I really hadn't cared, how could they have hurt me so much?

Thank you so much, DB,& by extension, Grandy, for having written here, because if not, would DB have written?

Hugzies everyone

mmMekitty