Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[demonblaster]

Hey Grandy 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨 and everyone 😊

Dear lady although I do know how you feel about not replying just a reminder that here which is a great pressure release there’s no obligation to reply and we know you do when you’re up to it. Of course being your besty I have special bbff privileges if it’s been a while. Shh don’t tell anyone 😜

I think our Kitty said which I too was going to mention & many people have trouble too accepting compliments I too was taught to simply say thank you. I know it’s hard for you lovey but as you know my stand I strongly believe people should know & have acknowledgement for their goods. We all know how quick many can be at saying negatives about others.

Loving you chose the sun. It has good healing in ways especially the light & warmth that no doubt in your CRIKEY ❄️ think that’s ice, cold winters. Also hearing the birdies seeing nature do it’s thing is a great distraction peaceful & grounding

Tbh dear Grandy I really worry about your pain that at anytime would. Knowing that it took you to the brink is something we CAN’T have happening again esp with less strain can avoid it peaking again. Btw you saying I’ll wait until tomorrow is permanently in my mind as others here too find inspiring. Thank you 💜

Yay finally they’re listening. Should have ages ago!
Couple of ideas till then. From the bin can bags be opened & small amounts be taken out by everyone. Surely more work no doubt there’s plenty of but your & the others health

is paramount.
Also if someones son/daughter etc could they help even move the bags.
Ideally a landing platform in the bin that rises each time the loads lightened. So then they could be rolled onto the wheeled trolly. Yes $ for that, ? fundraiser they could organise after all it’s a community service.

Hun truth never doubt your intelligence I’ve seen it in spades. Agreed you’ll pick it up in time. New ventures are often quite woah.
Dad taught me never be afraid to ask, it’s true we don’t know till we do. It mads me if some have the dah don’t ya know. I doubt they would they’re more likely to be grateful for the help & appreciate you asking showing you’re keen to learn.

Thx sweety re new place 🙂

Always the deepest love 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💜

[demonblaster]

Hi there Mrs lovely 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and all good people too 😊

How are you lovey. I hope so much your pains at a minimum. What an ordeal eh.

darl I Was just out for a walk well since we’re virtually in your frozen neck of the woods I was huh hymmm running ‌😳‌ ok tbh it was more like hop skip and save myself.

So I picked some really nice flowers 🌺 flowers 🌸 on the way …struth they don’t call it thorny thistle, I thay 😅 sounds like we have a few under the belt🤣 for no reason do they, should be called forget me not. You don’t forget those ouches 😂

If just gently plonked the sweeties in a vase with Tia Maria which you’ll need a sip of when you smell the Rose.

Flowers are beautiful aren’t they. I feel so grateful we have colour in our world and the different shapes with flowers are nice too and variety. 

SO me lovely right bang in the middle amongst the purest of White soft Yellow luminescent Pink and a warming gentle lilac flower is a breathtaking deep Red perfectly formed Rose that releases the most beautiful fragrance when you breathe gently in it makes your feel an amazing explosion in your mind transporting you to a magic peace and tranquility you could ever experience.
Oh Oh 😀 did I tell you they’re tinsy we miniatures so I didn’t need a big vase the thimble that I’ll use next time for those rascally thistles and thorns from the rose worked a treat.

Only you can work the magic of not only seeing them in full life size but gain the sprinkle of pure bliss they carry.

You deserve happiness Grandy all good people do love. Please please look after yourself and go gently with those poor shoulders hun. 

Always thoughts and hoping you’re holding ok sweety. Never forget …we got this 
Sending deep love and appreciation that we met beautiful soul 🤗👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💜👀💭🌈

[demonblaster]

Hi darlin 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and all other lovelies 🖐

Hey darl just whizzing past to check in on you. 

Dearly hoping your arms are holding up although I imagine works still causing some grief with the bags.

I really do hope you’re ok Grandy. Would as of course you too, hate to see you back in that wicked bad pain again. 

And that your mh is holding at the least for you hun. We’re slowly getting stronger learning coping skills but it can still be extremely hard can’t it at times.

So glad you have your time out at work. You’ve done incredibly well there and come a long way being comfy in the serving part and being around people. I often think about that with so much pride. Good on you Grandy. 

ok lovey best keep going we’re going to have another look at the new place soon hoping we can fit certain furniture and then back to packing. Ughh such a major job it seems never ending but we’ll l look back on it soon enough I guess.

Always love thoughts and care sweet bbff 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💭👀💜🌺 pubAok darlin 🤗

[demonblaster]

Hi bbff 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and everyone I hope all you good people are having some light in your lives even if just cracks it’s something to hold onto and give hope for more. 

Grandy precious soul how are you going lovey? This really isn’t to pressure you I pwomish but I’m really hoping you are ok. 
wondering if your shoulders are giving you more grief geez I hope not, you’ve been and until the op through the mill with this haven’t you darlin.

Keep in mind petal ahead will be relief and you’ll be looking back on this as a very hard part of your life but also can take pride in that you’re getting through it and surviving thank goods seriously.

You know you’re in my thoughts daily how often. I apart from our varied which is lovely, parts of our friendship, we cover all sorts of convo think often about our fantasy and laughs we have which is beautiful too because it makes other lovelies happy too.

Hope todays good at work for you, assuming you still have the same days. You’re good doing that Grandy it’s helping the community that I think a lot of people may not fully realise and appreciate, that goes for any volunteer work. Youse keep a community oiled.

Yikesy it’s getting close to the big day moving. I don’t have any stress or negative thoughts about unpacking it’s just getting out of here.

It’s a nice place. We’re downsizing. Wow the amount of stuff we’ve given to op shop and friends. Hard but getting better at letting go. Hoping and working on applying that to mh too. 

Had another good friend loss. Boyo life really is short isn’t it. That’s 2 within a couple wks or so. Pftt but great memories for both.

Rightio I’ve put an order in with the sun to give you light warmth and more than a splash of love travelling through those magnificent beams of healing. 

pubAok dear friend yAdimh. You make a massive difference I know not only in my life sweetyheart but many here family and friends. Gold.

Thank you for being you  👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌺🌈

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, mmMeKitty and everyone……🤗..

Thank you for your post and please forgive me for taking so long to reply…

Awe Deebi, I’m deeply sorry about your recent losses, my heart goes out to you honey..big hugs🤗🤗💙🌈..love you very much and hate knowing you’re struggling…👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🤗💙

My right arm is uncomfortable with pain when using it, but I’m so grateful that my left arm is being good and kind to me… I can live with that, I hope….I’m going to physio weekly to help my shoulders….and still taking pain relief when I’m at work…

Two weeks ago a lady and her partner started on Tuesdays… I gave the man the job to carry out the heavy work like emptying the blue bin and moving heavy donations and just sorting…I am not really comfortable working with him, he hasn’t said or done anything wrong it’s just that I….not sure how to explain it, I feel so vulnerable around men….I keep the new lady and her partner outback but I’ve been told by management that he will be working behind the counter with me eventually…I just can’t see me doing that…the counter area is so small and confined….The past 2 weeks haven’t been the same at work for me….maybe it’s my anxiety or my PTSD, I’m just so tense and constantly feel in flight mode…this is so hard for me…

I am still in the process of doing my paperwork for conference, that’s coming along slowly…looking forward to working on that side of Vinnies…I really need to learn how to talk in front of others and join in with the conversations that go on…..instead of just sitting their feeling

I was offered the position of shop manager last week…I turned it down…me shop manager, they have got to be joking..That’s a position for someone smart and efficient…definitely that’s not me at all, I’m a follower not a leader…anyway, I just use those 3 days to get out of my home….I don’t need added confusion to my life….it’s hard enough now, trying to feel comfortable around the new lady’s partner…

Okay, my house has been neglected very much these past few weeks….nothing new I suppose…it needs a clean…so I’ll do a bit of that today I think…

Love and hugs everyone…💕🤗.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[mmMekitty]

Hello Grandy

It's great to see you around here.

How did you go with doing a little housework?

I still get that feeling of wanting to be further away from people, especially men, but not exclusively. I cope with it better now, because, (I think), my mind has accepted that these people around me are not the same people around me before. I very clearly had to tell myself that many, many times, & try to endure the anxiety & the feeling that I needed to get away as much as I could, so the people could, just by their own behaviour, prove to me they had no ill intent.

If I told them what I was feeling, I could not t;trust their 'good behaviour' was genuine, so I never told anyone how anxious & unsafe I was feeling.

This is my method. & I kind of made it up on my own, because I realised I cannot live my life as a hermit. I sometimes have to be around people, like out shopping or in a doctor's surgery, or even being in a room with my PDr. We have spoken about that, too.   .... Sometimes people have to come to my place, to fix something, to deliver things, & now, as support workers.

It's gotten more difficult again as my eyesight deteriorates, because it doesn't make much difference looking around me all the time to see where people are, because I don't see them so well anymore. I'd like to ask everyone to wear very bright clothes just so I will see where they are. 

Yeah, your 'beastie' is needing some stern talking to, from you. 

Working with them, I'm sure it won't be very long before you get to know them a bit, maybe find some things you have in common. Who knows? They could both be okay people.

I am wondering, did the physio give you any exercises to do at home? From my experience, they like doing that. Also, I've found their advice helpful. My right shoulder might give a tiny protest, when I'm using the weights at the gym, but that is a long way from where I was after my surgery, & then again, when I had the bursitis, getting so bad I could hardly move it. It was the physio who helped me get it moving again. So, stick with it, Grandy. That's what I would advise.

Same goes for the conference work. I believe you can do it. When you see a need to speak up, (as you do for people in need here), I'm sure you can do that, too.

Hugzies, to you, DB & everyone

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear Grandy~

I'm back and have just read that one arm is good, which I"m sure is a real blessing, and if you have to take pain killers at the shop, well that's what they are for.

I have to take them for my spine, it's a nuisance and I take as few as I can so as not to develop a tolerance. Still without them I'd be stuck.

I think given what you have had to deal with in the past it is entirely reasonable not to want to share a confined space with a man, or to interact more than you have to.

I do think you are selling yourself short, you ave plenty of brains, and at the moment that comes out as being wise enough not to overload yourself. 

As for being a leader, I might suggest leadership is not always about directing other people to do things, but by being an example. Now that is something you do exceedingly well. I could not begin to calculate the number of people who have followed how you deal with life and gain encouragement from it.

Croix

[Ggrand]

Hi mmMeKitty, Croix, 👋waves dear Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩… and everyone……🤗..

I did a bit of housework but not too much, I don’t like housework!…anymore

My physio does give me homework exercises, which I do daily and they are helping my left shoulder and arm but my right arm not so much….I am so grateful that I have one almost healthy arm….

I have been the day Co-Ordinator now for around 2 years, I don’t need to ask the girls to do things…they know what they need to do…we are a great team and work together…Being shop manager has a lot more responsibilities, ordering stock, hiring people,  even  letting people go if they are not doing their job…..and paperwork, things like that,  I just am not smart enough to do….and to fire people!…..never,  ever could I do that, guilt would overwhelm me, I know my limitations and I’m content with the position I have at work…

I do shopping, walk to the bank every workday morning, I do pass men while doing these things, I am super aware of them, I keep my distance if I can, because I don’t have to or need to talk to them……they don’t concern me very much at all….it took me a very long time for me to  go shopping on my own, it  used to keep me from shopping……I can do that now, shop on my own……but being in a small confined space where bumping into each other is something that can’t be avoided…talking to him, interacting with him….is/will be to hard for me…..I’m trying to now, not stress over it until it happens…probably after Christmas is my guess…..

I am so sorry mmMeKitty, that your eyes are deteriorating more…Not sure sweetheart if I’ve asked before or if you’ve mentioned it somewhere else, but I’m wondering if are you open to or considering a guide or companion dog?….I really do admire your determination and how much you work so much to remain independent….You’re a huge inspiration for others reading your words…..including me.🤎🧡…

Spring has arrived, so many birds out n about, flowers blooming, warmer weather, pollen flying around everywhere bringing itchy eyes, sneezy nose, itchy face and lots of wheezing…🥺😖🤧🙄…don’t you just love spring?…

Deebi, I hope so much you’re doing okay…not sure honey, if you’ve moved in to your new place yet….but if you have, Please remember to look after your body and soul and to just take things slowly, there is no hurry to unpack….sending you a lot of love 💕 and caring 💭…my bbff….pubaok…yadimh…..always..

Hugs with my care and love everyone…🤗🌈🧡..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy….

[mmMekitty]

No worries about whether or not you have asked any question before, Grandy, I don't remember anyway!

I have thought about a guide dog, but think I would spoil the dog & their training too much. They are essentially working dogs & need to understand that I'm the boss. I would struggle with that, because I want to be friends & break the rules - just like LRC! I think I'd treat one like a furbaby, & give them too many treats, too -  just like I treated Mekitty!

I wouldn't want to order them to do things, to sit still or lie still next to me, or under a table, things like that either.

&, I'm very sure I wouldn't be able to really trust them enough, which is also essential if a guide dog is to lead me around.

I get it about small. confined spaces. I don't want people so close to me that physical contact becomes possible. For me, it's become so unexpected. even a casual hand on a shoulder, I am wary all over again, like I was decades ago. One thing that makes me jump is when someone walks behind me & they are walking fast enough to overtake me & I don't notice them until they are at my shoulder ...  it startles me so much., definitely a trigger for me.

It takes me a long time to feel comfortable with people. Nevertheless, now  I want to know where they are when I am with them. I don't want to be so startled, suddenly realising they are right behind me, or on my right side (where I am completely blind & very nearly deaf), no matter the reason. I'm reacting with fright, which is sparking old memories & fears in my mind.

I feel like reviving some of my old vigilance is necessary again. I'd rather feel I can look after myself & not need to be so acutely aware of where people are (& wat they might be about to do, or so I imagine).

More to work on. Will I ever be as confident in social setting as I'd like to be?

Thank you, Grandy, for your kind words. Witnessing your own generosity, compassion, determination & resilience has been a wonderful example to me & to others here, too. 

Yeah, let's see how you feel about the man working at the shop when Christmas comes around.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

About the work:

Hiring & firing are not easy things to do. I worry about the decisions I have to make when it comes to hiring new support workers, & then when I have to fire them as well, even when they are not doing the job they were hired to do.

I recently decided to change to another support worker because the new one I met has experience with exercise & using gym equipment. So, I had to fire the other. I feel bad about it because I know she is going to have a hard time finding a client/s. I have to do what is in my own best interest.

If you were manager, you'd have to consider what is in the best interest of the running of the shop & the organisation you are working for. I know it would be very hard to put your personal feelings aside to do that.

It just occurs to me, when I was seeing one psychiatrist for far too long, it was I who hired him, & I who fired him. I do't really understand why I continued to see & pay him (with Medicare help) for as long as I did. He really wasn't doing the job I had hired him to do. If he'd been at all ethical, he'd have realised he wasn't helping me, & would have brought up the problem of our non-existent therapeutit relationship within a year & either change how he treated me or inform me he couldn't treat me. In effect, he ought to have resigned because he couldn't do the job.

Knowing your limits is important. Enjoying your role & work is also important.

I suspect, you have been offered shop manager because they know how good you are.

Hugzies

mmMekitty