❤️❤️❤️❤️Grandy, I think that was a difficult post for yout to write. I, to, have come to thinking anger is mostly useless if not something people who are hurt (& I hate to say like Dr Phil,) afraid or frustrated.
I was taught like you were, & became too afraid to permit myself anger. I can't even yell today. They way your husband spoke would only encourage you not to argue, to keep yourself as safe as possible. I think, even as he was saying that, in his frustration with you because he wanted more reasons to abuse you... yes, I feel anger, frustrated I doubt I could have stopped him if I had been there, as much as I would have wanted to
I think what you said about the fear from your childhood, being so overwhelming is valid.
When I first began to acknowledge I felt some anger, the idea frightened me - still does if I was to ever be able to let go & really express how much anger I have felt. I look at my other feelings around the anger, & it is indeed, hurt, fear & frustration, too much to bear. If I can let out a trickle at a time, maybe it'll be okay.
I have observed, angry people aren't listening. They don't hear themselves or others. Therefore, being angry like that is only to vent or to try to hurt, to ward off being further hurt themselves, an immature way of reacting to frustration, or to make themselves 'bigger', like how animals do when threatened, (fear).
Sometimes, I think my own father was out of his depth, & afraid, not knowing how to relate & parent his kids, nor his step-kids. My (ex-)step-mother, she was a very hurt & damaged person, frustrated too, not having the life she had dreamed & expected to have, so we kids were the target for all this, because we were obvious signs of her failures.
What do you feel for your younger self? Not what anyone else may feel or think, just you, what do you feel when you look at her?
& you, today, the person you are today?
With much warmth & care,
mmMekitty
