Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[demonblaster]

Hey our beautiful champ, my 👩‍❤️‍👩 Croixy 🐧 and everyone 👋

Knock knock... huh ...you're all waiting for a knock knock joke aye 😃

Ahh there you are sound asleep you dear darling. Just smoothing your hair...that's ok darlin stay asleep sweety. Tinsy neck massage.

I know VC days are so very hard you poor love.
This is pulling out rot that's festered and eaten at you a life time.
Bit by bit you're being freed sweety.
You don't talk much about it which maybe too hard, just know you have many friends here and a truckload of love 💜

I'll just sit here quietly...oh..ok so quietly may not happen so howzabout we take Ebony and Kya the gorgeous loves outside for a while then I'll finish baking a yummo Poppy seed cake think you said ages back you love those.

Thought I'd cook a Roast Lamb for us all tonight with your roast spuds yummo gravy from the meat juices honey carrotts beans burnt Pumpkin and sprinkled with love 🤗

Grandy I don't talk all the time that's popular belief I do. Can't stand being told all the time it's a critism. People are intolerant of talkers but rare if ever do they say I listen too which is my point if you'd like to talk.

We can give you space and watch TV quietly or play outside. Might do the lawns ..may not be too quiet.

Just know dear friend you're never alone. We're always with you 🤝

Darlin been wondering how poor Bettys going? Seriously please don't feel pressured to reply just when you're ready huns ☺

Believe in yourself honey as much as we do and you really will make it. You're always a champion in my 👀

Heaps of love Grandz 👩‍❤️‍👩💜🤝👀🍫😚

[Ggrand]

Hello Hanna, Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, Croix...and everyone.....🤗

It’s okay..even though I would love to contact her, I will wait and hope she feels the same...I’m a bit afraid that if I did contact her she might feel obligated to keep it touch....She would be so busy for the next few weeks..settling in..looking for a job....unpacking etc....She has a full and busy time ahead of her....and more clients to look after once she gets a job.....

Getting on the treadmill for the stress test, wakes up my bursitis for a few weeks....Cardiologist know this and doesn’t tighten the belt too much...

VS counselling goes deep some appointments...others not to bad....Learning about how even though I know I’m safe logically.....My nervous system doesn’t believe me and is stuck in trauma mode....which is fear...the fear I felt for decades....that’s what it’s used to....I have to learn how to make it believe my mind....sounds silly...well it did to me...still does..and I really don’t know how to do that....

Counsellor told me it’s hard for me to take up my old hobbies or likes because they were always taken over by late husband (lh)..because my time was being put into them and not him....he was jealous of my hobbies taking me away from his wants and needs.....mostly I used to just end up sitting next to him watching him do my stuff....Which hurt me and made feel useless....So I need to look for things to do that are completely different..

I told her...I wake up each day and feel lost, because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to fill my day in....and this started me questioning my existence....I need to find something productive to do with my time...at home, because traveling to the bigger town is too costly with petrol...

I am doing okay...just lonely like so many people here...I am very grateful I have my 2 fur babies...and all you beautiful friends on BB.....Which gives me a purpose and reason so thank you everyone ....and that’s more then enough to keep trying and find my wellness...

Deebi.....people shouldn’t criticise you for talking to much..I think that’s a wonderful thing to be able to do...My mind can talk a lot when I’m in a conversation at work with the girls..unfortunately it stays stuck in my mind.,,the words can’t find their way to my vocal chords....

Heaps of a Deebi..bbff..💚🧸🤗🦋🕊🍀..

My love and hugs to everyone 💜🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[Hanna3]

Hi Grandy,

I'm sorry you are feeling lonely. I have been watching the tennis on TV as little Sam is settling down now thank goodness. Thank you for your kind words on my thread.

I remember as a girl trying to make something and my father taking over and doing it for me, and feeling frustrated that he took over and didn't let me try to finish whatever it was I was doing - it sounds as if your husband did that sort of thing - it undermines you and makes you feel as if you're not good enough.

Are there things you can do at home to make you feel more purposeful... can you sew things for shops to sell, or knot things? Cook for someone? I am not sure what things you enjoy doing.. is there any way you can find to do or make things that will help someone else - maybe an op shop could sell them to make money for charity.. I'm just thinking out loud... about what you could do.

Do you enjoy the tennis? It's quite a game tonight - and all of Victoria in a lockdown again after this.

Anyway i wanted to say hi and thank you for thinking of us while Sam was sick. We got the nice young ady vet that we like today, so we had a nice little chat.. but it was expensive!

Looks like more stormy weather over the weekend - we had some rain here but it's muggy - it's been an unusual summer hasn't it? I need to buy some autumn/winter clothes - I wish we had good op shops like the ones in Big Town with an O... it's such a long drive there and back.. I used to buy everything in the big Salvos store there... and the Vinnies shop...

Thinking of you dear Grandy and hoping you feel a bit less alone tonight hugs hugs.

[Tess2]

Dear Grandy,

i haven’t posted here for a hike, but I follow your posts. I really identify with you saying you wake each day feeling lost and wondering what to do to make me feel that life is meaningful.

that is an awful feeling. I have not recovered from losing my career, now all there seems is housework and crap. That can’t be all. And I am not one to take up golf or anything like that.

having had such a controlling husband is not easy to get over. Just take back one thing at a time for yourself, something you really want and do it in small chunks.

You are a great inspiration to me, as you keep on going , and volunteer and support others. You are kind, and is the most important of all

love. Tess

[demonblaster]

Hi sweet Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 and everyone ☺

You're a thoughtful considerate lady Mrs Grandy.
So many beautiful qualities my/our dear friend.
Truly a pleasure knowing and loving you 🤗

Ahh what a nuisance to say the least, it's nasty pain isn't it it bursitis. Poor love.
Go steady at work lovely won't you.
Good cardiologist easing back on the belt. My late darling also had those amongst many other heart related tests ops etc. Hard yakka.

Yes it must be very hard changing a natural protective response you poor love going through such terrible times.
Keep at it beautiful. Geez I feel for you.
You're smart you'll get there Grandz in your own time. Gently sweetyheart 💜

In time hun you might feel differently about hobbies. I suggest try to remember the pleasure you had and reiterate often. Again tho at your own pace lovey.

I deleted what I just wrote about that situation grr

Does the excellent walking stick appeal darl. We were having some fun working out what to put on it and you had some practise drawing which was neat.

Maybe drawing the gorgeous gum and cows...grass .. you could have Stars and Sun..hey it's your piccy you can go anywhere with it 😆

Oh was wondering do you still have Julie on the couch. Maybe talking to her could be therapeutic too. I love you had her.

You'll always have beautiful friends and love in your life Grandy we see the beautiful person you are. Awesome!


Thanks it annoys and hurts. I say nicely to people why I don't like it. I couldn't say that to some one and they must say it cause it annoys them pfftt.

Love and care so very deeply sss. Lysvm PubAok yAdimh with our unbreakable ribbon...can't find it.

Sleep well darlin and everyone ☺

Nigh nite honey 👩‍❤️‍👩💜🍫👀🤝🤗😚

[Ggrand]

Hello Hanna, Tess, Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩...and everyone read🤗..

Its nice to see you Tess...I hope your doing okay..

Thank you for identifying what is a daily struggle for me...I’m sorry your struggling with the same...Waking up and just looking around walking from room to room no knowing what to do is horrible.....

It’s hard after over 50 years being told daily what to do etc...The mind is stuck still in uncertainty, of doing anything without being told..or maybe it’s fear of doing things without being told as my counsellor told me last week... I suppose my mind still hasn’t progressed or grown into adulthood when life choices are to be made....

I keep thinking the same..this can’t be all their is to life..I’m sure their is more..Its just finding it that’s hard...

Oh I forgot about my walking stick..I put it away..I will get it back out..still needs some more sanding..☺️..I have this concrete cockatoo sitting on a log which has a hole at the end for a small plant..it stands about 12” high and about 10” long...which belonged to my dad...looks like my dad painted the cockatoo all white and the branch and pot a brown colour....I found some yellow nail polish and painted the cockatoo’s head feathers with it..then found a black and painted his beak and claws with it...Awe it looks good..now I have the branch and pit to do...not enough nail polish to do that part...yet...When I can I will finish it off..think I need to buy some paint for the rest...

I moved Julie to the spare bedroom, and she sleeps on the bed in their...because my fur babies kept laying on her and put their hair over her...

I’m okay....can’t shake this sadness I feel all the time...I think I need to move my body a bit.....I noticed when I mow the lawn just how unhealthy physically I am.....mostly just sitting around and playing Homescapes a lot...If you need lives etc..serious helpers are good when they have a vacancy...We came in 2nd in the tournament..yay..

Big love bbff...I hope your managing your cycle okay..🌜🕊💚🧸🤗🌛.

Love and hugs everyone 💜🤗....

Grandy..

[Paw Prints]

Hello Grandy,

I really like how your VS counsellor explains things ...

Learning about how even though I know I’m safe logically.....My nervous system doesn’t believe me and is stuck in trauma mode....which is fear...the fear I felt for decades....that’s what it’s used to....I have to learn how to make it believe my mind....sounds silly...well it did to me...still does..and I really don’t know how to do that....

As you know I've not been able to mow because of my fear of being watched... what you wrote explains it perfectly... even down to feeling it sounds silly & that I should just be able to do this like everyone else can... I don't know how too yet either.

When do you get your test results lass? I will be keeping my fingers crossed that they have improved for you.

Lass you really do seem to have a natural artistic streak in you... I remember you repainted some cupboards... redesigned & painted your verandah... painting the cockatoo... these are all changes to the decorative aspect of your house... the way you excel at painting pictures with your words... even the way you look at nature around you seems to be with an artists eye... I wonder if you would enjoy (or have tried) the paint by numbers.. it might be a way to see if you enjoy painting pictures... or perhaps knowing your love of magical/mystical creatures... have you thought of making some decorative items for your garden... perhaps start simply with wire shaped as a butterfly with sparkly colourful beads strung on the wire... I'm sure there must be lots of ideas online...

I wish I knew how to take away your feelings of sadness...

here is the biggest most comforting hug I can give...

Paws

[Hanna3]

Hi Grandy (waves to Deebi, everyone)

Paws has given some good suggestions about creative things to do around the house, and you sound as if you have a gift for doing that kind of thing!

I hope you have gone in to the shop today and that all goes well for you there.

Trauma is a real pain, I still can't read music because of the trauma I went through learning it as a kid/teenager, so my music teachers have to find ways to teach me without using much sheet music - it's embarrassing to have to admit the problem to them, but then they turn out so kind about it and are clever at finding ways around the problem for me, which I appreciate so much. So don't be too hard on yourself about the trauma, because it does our heads in.... and it's not our fault!

I hope all your furs are happy there... and that you have a lovely day. hugs.

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, Paws, Hanna and anyone reading....🤗..

Sorry I haven’t been on BB for the past couple of days..zthank you so much for your kind and caring posts...

My Cardiologist appointment was Wednesday not Thursday.....silly me....

I have been trying to digest the fact that my heart isn’t pumping properly and a possible blockage somewhere in it.....I need to have a non invasive angiogram...on the 5th March....That’s a 4 hours test..needing to the radiation injection...is horrible because after I get it it’s sitting around the waiting room for 4 hours....Then my Cardiologist will ring me if I need a stent put in....This makes sense to me in a way because I haven’t been able to mow my lawn in one time....because of breathlessness and not managing the stairs at my councillors office the last few times....I am a little bit afraid of what could happen...trying not to dwell on it until the time comes....after all this could have been happening to me for a few months without me knowing..so I’m trying to live in the present...

Yesterday, I made a small mint garden..I love the freshness of the scent..I have had a long window pot just outside my bedroom windows for a few years now....

Mentally I’m struggling with all that’s going on around me...I miss my supporter so much..she used to stay with me if I needed to get out of the waiting room..she came with me and we would walk around the area...this new one left me outside on my own for over half an hour..and when I had the courage to go back inside..she didn’t even talk to me...she was on her computer which she brought with her...my anxiety made me scratch at my arms again which I haven’t done in a long time...They are okay just a little sore....Missing my other supporter so much...

Please don’t worry bbff and the others here...What will happen...will happen....that’s life!...and we all have to join in with it...the best we can...no matter how hard it gets..

Deep love bbff...(I so much wish you were here with me)...💚🧸🤗..

Sending everyone my love and hugs..💜🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Dear Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩

Ohh darlin that's pretty scary stuff going on 😢. Difficult not thinking a lot on it isn't it.

Darl these guys know what they're doing I was with dear late love for a lot of those procedures. It must be a worry though.
Grandy pubAok need you 🤗

Ohh darlin what a so and so leaving and ignoring you. Geez that makes me so mad!
I'm so sorry you have so much going on now dear love.

Good girl saying about dealing with it when it happens. Oh Grandz.
Yes could have been going on for a while.
You're thinking clearly good on you it's not easy in hard times.

How lovely making a Mint garden. It does have such a fresh lovely smell doesn't it.
Good idea Floss.

I loved reading what your gorgeous furs got up to in your adorable pet thread 😂 ohhh what a mess.

Really love you Grandy I too wish I was there with you sweetyheart.

Always in my thoughts honey. You have so much going on.

👩‍❤️‍👩💜💗🤝👀🍫⚘🤗😚