Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, Mr Croix, and all...

Mr Croix..I hope your feeling better then you have been and continue to do so daily...No I can’t get back into collecting ornaments again, I do have some books that I’ll browse through occasionally...He done it to everything I wanted to do....Collecting dolls...old toys...he took over..if I bought one just for looks..well did he get upset with me....That’s rubbish and he would break it (so I couldn’t restore it). and throw it away...Didn’t matter what I done..cross stitch, long stitch, sewing, knitting, embroidery, he would always point out my faults and take over...but I had to be sitting with him when he was doing them....He done so because...while I was doing them.he wasn’t the centre of my attention...and that to him was a big no no...I think that’s why I don’t take pleasure in doing these things anymore...

My dear Deebi...

Yesterday went quite well...I stayed out back because we’re changing over from winter to summer today....The donated bags of clothes need sorting out...then the racks of clothes we have out back....occasionally my co-ordinates asked me to do the shop while she had a smoke...I was lucky because no one came in through those times😁....

My mhn nurse rang me yesterday...and wants me too see her next week....I told her about the nightmares..and she said it’s because I’ve been re traumatised.....They are horrible Deebi...I had another few last night....waking up doesn’t stop them....I’m okay though...WW will pick me up and take me...hmmm...It’s okay Deebi..it hurts when they don’t do as they say they will...I’m thinking that there must be more urgent participants that need their help... more then me....but a phone call wouldn’t hurt them....

I called into Betty’s on the way home yesterday, and she was walking around...and seems okay..

My heart has a mind of its own Deebi...It changes its beat quite often...One beat is quite good to make a new song out of for our band....🥁...Strange we cant control it, I do lots of gentle deep breathing to help..also I cough and it seems to help at times..

Wow bbff..the sun found its way here today..it’s 28 deg today..so hot 🥵....to hot to sit outside...strange weather..I think a long dry hot summer again...

Sending you my love Lovely Deebi and Mr Croix..and everyone 💖..and hugs🤗..

Deep golden Love...dear sss...wiwawyip....Pubaok..yadimh.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..🦄👼 🌜🐻🤗🌛..

[demonblaster]

Beautiful bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩 hi everyone ☺

You write well Grandy darlin.
I love hearing how you're going but what a horrid time you've had dear friend. Shaking my head. How awful.
I so want you to know a good happy peaceful life you so deserve dear sissyter 💜

Wow didnt you do well yesterday 😁. Bet you were stoked no one went through at those times. Tinny or what, good on ya hun.

Well done talking about your nightmares and yes a lot of painful wounds were opened. It was a hard 2 wks out of your comfort zone but good there were nice times with younger son.
Poor love I'm sorry hearing you're going through them full throttle.
They are hard to shake off arent they.
Keep as many happy thoughts moving through beautiful.

I completely agree a phone call would be the right thing. Not very professional on their part is it.

😂 cool you're working on a beat for our songs 😆 you're a character.

It concerns me you not seeing the doc yet but yes understanding how the stress is atm too. Please take it steady lovey.

Poor Betty, so good hearing shes walking around ok. You're a lovely friend Grandz 🤗 I know that for fact you're the best honey 😚

Think I've heard about coughing to get it back into rythym.

Wowsie good warm day there. Oh Grandz I hope its not a super hot long summer yukko.

Love you very much dearest friend my bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩💜🤝 can't imagine life without you. Ditto wiwawyip too. PubAok BPaly beautiful lady 😚🤗

✨🐶🗯🌈⛅🌅⚘

[demonblaster]

Hi bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩 and everyone 👋

Just dropping by to give you a huge loving lasting 🐻🤗 and to let you know you're always in my 🗯 sweety love.

How are you going lovey.
I hope manias more than mixed and not to harsh on you. It's exhausting isnt it.

No need to reply to this although I know I asked how you are.

Just want you to know you're very loved appreciated and cared about beautiful soul sissyter bbff
Please look after yourself and get as much rest as you can.

Maybe we could have a beach walk 🤝 with the sun rising 🌅 and the ✨ going to beddy byes.
The water soaking up your feet with your toes sinking into the cool refreshing sand.

Driftwood quietly inviting a curious look at the shape colour and texture. Where's it been?

Beautiful shells catch our gazes. We collect different shaped ones and put in our pockets to study later.

Cool smooth water soaks our skin as it gently laps our ankles
A soft gentle breeze moves through our hair leaving a tender touch in its wake.

The warmth of the sun and light reaching our souls filling us with a feeling of total belonging love and security

People smiling dogs running free chasing the waves while the sound of the oceans purr soothes our souls.

As we walk through the warmth of the sparkling sand watching the motion of the waves hearing the seagulls call while children are laughing amongst the beauty of nature reminds us we are a part of this. We're loved needed and deserve to be here and happy.

Love you Grandz so much 🌜☺👩‍❤️‍👩💜✨🌊⛅🌞🌛 wiwawyip 😚😢

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi, and everyone 🤗..

I was so happy no one came into the shop..pheeew.....i noticed I wasn’t that bad..with the expectations of having to serve someone....One day I’ll be as good as you at talking to people.....one of my goats 🐐...oops goals is doing that....

I have tried really hard getting back into some hobbies I used to do...but it’s hard..geez..I’ve started dog blankets, doilies, long stitch and have left them after only a few days..I just can’t get past certain things and start getting upset and downing me...so I stop and put them away....

The dreams are horrible at times....seems so real some of them..I wake up in panicked mode or maybe survival mode I’m not sure...Thank goodness it’s not each sleep now...I find sitting up all night and bedding when the birds start chirping is helping to ease them....Hmmm maybe I should become a nocturnal person..😂..

Oh Deebi...honestly I’m ready to give up with my mh team...they are full on support for a while....then boom nothing..it’s doing my head in..not knowing when to expect contact with them.....My mhn rang me Tuesday and said she wants to see me in her office next week..and WW will ring me the next day and tell me the day and time of appointment..she hasn’t rang me...What am I supposed to think.?....They are confusing me so much...that I’m beginning to question myself...am I dreaming all this?...and I think it’s real....then I check my phone and yes she did ring me....and I keep on checking it to make sure I didn’t dream about checking it....Do I make any sense at all?...

Betty is healing good and will be at work on Tuesday...Nothing stops her for long...Love the strength she has within her...

Thank you for your peaceful post about a walk along the beach...I listened to it, then again and as I did my mind left my body and I felt a sense of calm come over me...I love the feeling of leaving my mind behind..it’s like my body is somewhere magical and peaceful...Something I used to do quite a lot before when I needed an escape....I know some people who experience this are frightened but for me it’s peaceful, I wish I could be their 24/7...sorry if I’m not making any sense..and I sound silly...🤦‍♀️..

Love you Deebi...💖..wiwawyip 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩.. 🤝🤝..🐻🤗..

Kind thoughts love and hugs everyone..💖🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🦄👼..

[demonblaster]

Heya Gorgeous bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩 and everyone ☺

That's fantastic Grandy, look how far you're getting not feeling as anxious if someone came in. That's a huge step forward, you should pat yourself on the back for that one my love.
You'll get there hun you're a true survivor 🌱
Cute little goaty there 😀

What a shame bringing back awful memories. Good on you trying too.
Maybe one day we could play a game together on playstation.
That's ok that you put them away, you tried thats what matters.
There'll be something you like.
Sounds like you enjoy calligraphy, its satisfying isnt it.

You poor love having to resort to that for sleeping. Geez Grandy I really feel for you.
They do seem real and you waking and its still feeling sames awful.
Tell yourself immediately its not real.. you're in the now.
Hard to at the time but trying deep breathing can help centre you too. I dont have many but have had a couple lately. Horrible arent they 🤗
Glad they're not every sleep now. You might be picking back up by the sounds 👍

Frustrating that they're not communicating and following through. It's their job I dont get it Grandz. Poor form.
Don't blame you not having a lot of trust with them. .
When you check lovey say to yourself yes and confirm strongly. I don't want to see you catching onto a ocd thing because of them not following through.
Sweety one day very calmly and gently I'd love you to mention to them. It's looking after you beautiful you're as important as anyone else on their books.

How so incredibly sad that you had to resort to leaving your mind to survive you dear precious love. Breaks my heart how cruel people have treated you but I'm so happy at what an incredibly strong character a person has, to come out of that such a kind loving beautiful person you are with so much compassion and a magic sense of humour. You won my friend hands down!

Truth sweetyheart nothing you've said sounds silly and honestly it all makes sense.
Don't listen to beastys ugliness. Let it out and let the wind take it far away.

You matter Grandy. I love and care very deeply about you. Oh yeah wiwip. PubAok I need you beautiful. Truth.

Sleep well tonight darling.
Breathe in the goods and out the bads with Relax 🕊

😚👩‍❤️‍👩💜👀🐻🤗🦄🐶✨

[quirkywords]

Grandy

just wanted to say hello and pleased you are still determined and helping others with your honest posts.

I think mental health teams are often overworked and so can take time to get back to you . I know that must be frustrating for you.

I admire your skills in being able to make things and I am sure you will get back to them .

I can relate to having disturbing dreams and waking up feeling unsettled and overwhelmed.

Injsed tomwrite down what Imvould remember of my dreams but then I felt that was making me dwell on them more and not helping me move on.

You write very descriptively about the feeling you attained by thinking Bakst a walk along the beach. I felt calmervredaing your words.

I am always concerned about how you are going

Kind thoughts

Quirky

[Peppermintbach]

Hi gorgeous Grandy (& a wave to all),

I’m sorry, it was my mistake the other day for thinking you had ventured out. I’m sorry about that, lovely one...

I’m happy you have been going on your beautiful adventures of the imagination though. I know how much you gain from those, and it’s lovely that you share those experiences with us. We get to hear about some of the highlights, and I think that’s very special 🙂

Gentle and easy does it...I know you want to get back into some of your old hobbies, but I suppose good things take time. I trust you’ll get there when you get there...

About your inconsistent MH team, I feel your frustration, confusion and disappointment. I think lovely Quirky covered it nicely though, so I don’t have much to add...

Good on you for working at the shop the other day. You sound relieved it was a quiet one. Sometimes we need those days 😉

Gentle hugs and much love,

Peppy xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, Quirky, Peppy and everyone 🤗..

Thank you all for calling in at mine....I appreciate you all so much....Quirky...I tell myself that they are overworked, and others need them more then me...I’m okay with that....Instead of me sitting around waiting for them...after I spent the previous day cleaning up...it hurts that a phone call or a msg only takes seconds...I keep thinking I’m not worth those few seconds...am I better off without them...at least that way my anxiety won’t reach as high...Thats a good idea to write out my dreams..maybe I’ll try it, atm the dreams are so vivid that my mind keeps going back to them all through the day...I’m okay dear Quirky...Thank you so much for your lovely post....

Peppy....Awe please don’t apologise to me about the walk...that’s okay...I wish my imagination adventures were real..although...they are in a way...They get me out of my head..My Psychiatrist said that it a type of survival tool...I learnt to use....although it’s good to do...I need to try to stay in the here and now...and not continuously try to escape reality....I need to face it instead and deal with my mh in the real world....

Deebi....I have a feeling that WW will drop into my works tomorrow..instead of ringing me for appointment date..Her work place is only about 5 minutes walk from my work place...She has a couple of times...I want so much to tell her not to...but I find it to hard to....because she knows my boss very well and I’m afraid she will talk to him about me...I need to be able to relax at work and not jump every time someone comes through the shop door...it has a squeak when opened and I can here it from back...

There is no way that I could treat or speak to others like I had done to me....I know first hand how that feels and how it makes people feel...I can’t understand my eldest being like his dad...he knows also how it made him feel...why would anyone who has been through all that..do it to someone else...

Thank you all saying I made sense..I was 😢 on and off yesterday when I wrote the post...the words just rambled out of me and I just posted it...

I’m doing okay today..although it’s freezing winds agains..it’s snowing on the mountains again..The strong winds are brrr 🥶...

Love you Deebi...💖👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..wiwawyip...my dream..my wish..💫..

Kind thoughts....love and hugs everyone...💖🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy...🦄👼 🌜🐻🤗🌛

[demonblaster]

Beautiful Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 hi everyone 😊

Yip I agree a simple phone call or text. I understand them being busy but you're part of their schedule. It happens too often.
Dont like it and that it's affecting you with increased anxiety.

Hope that helps writing out the dreams. Good idea Quirky ☺ Hi lovey 👋. Btw I thought too you did a great thing helping lovely Paul out on his threads sorry I meant to say there.

That survival technique was/is your inner strength working for you. I like the here and now, it makes a lot of sense. Kinda grounding.

You dear love how awful being worried she might drop in. Sweety if she does you'll handle the situation at the time like you've managed so many difficult times before. Beasties in your ear we know where you need to choof [IT]xx

Remember how you feel when you see the glorious sunrise 🌞birdies singing starting a new day.
When you saw the Dear and her fawn.
Mumjo
Us here
Our fun times and laughs. Our closeness 🤝
These are beautiful memories of love friendship and the beauty in nature that keep beasty away while you feel the goods honeyheart.

No you wouldnt speak or act poorly to anyone. You have the most pure beautiful heart. Not an ounce of harm in you. Gold! Its loves like you we need in this world. So glad we met 🤗

You really did make sense. I too think you express yourself very well.

Windy here today too, can feel its snowing somewhere. Bet you're chilly there ❄

SO hear you wiwayip 💫 pubAok lovely Grandy. You're magic and give so much light.
Love you sweety bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩💜
😚💫🕊

[Peppermintbach]

Hi gorgeous Grandy (and a wave to all),

It made me smile to hear you’re trying to be more engaged with the present. The here and now.

I think that’s a very, very brave step, and it fills me with joy and pride. I hope you’re feeling some of that pride too.

I sense a change in you. A good change. Newfound self insight...

I think most of us to need to step away from the sidelines at some point, and really immerse ourselves in this thing called life. Much of life is to be lived in the here and now, after all. I think it takes courage to try to do that ...you’re on your way, brave one 🙂

Warm hugs, a celebratory cake for your latest self insight and much love

Peppy xoxo