alone and hated

[christacat]

I am 35 and possibly suffer undiagnosed depression and anxiety, possibly also autisim or asbergers (dont trust doctors or GPS so can't get an official diagnose). Have been told I need meds (too scared to take them), have anger issues, no social skills, am dumb and stupid, hard on myself,  obsessive as well. Have had conselling on and off, haven;t seen one since 2009 after I had a panic attack/meltdown.(she didn't help at all,just smirked at me)

I don't fit in or belong anywhere. All through out primary school and high school, I was bullied alot and got into trouble alot too. I had the odd friend here and there, but no one I could connect to. Would try different hobbies-as i got told by consellors I had back then- but got teased for them and never found anyone on the same wavelength....it is the same today. No matter which site I go to for people who share my interests, or a group in 'real life' I never fit in, am the butt of everyone's jokes, anyone I reach out to just rejects and uses me. Then comes the 'teasing' over my hobbies and interests, that I am obsessive, that my hobbies suck. I had to leave a web site I was at for nearly four years-was just sick of the constant rejection from others and never felt like I fitted in and used by everyone who i thought liked me.. Now yet again I have nowhere else to go and feel lost, losing interest in things, because what's the point? I had no one to share them with. I got slagged off for them all the time, I tried to take pride in them and liked myself, not caring what others think but I still don't have anyone to connect to,  I don't get along with my own age group either, especially with people I work with, they just go on about parties and drinking and barely notice I am around.

I am at a lost at what to do anymore. I worry so much over this, I barely leave the house sometimes (I dont see the point, i have no one to hang out with and i just get teased for being wierd) and feel suicidal on and off. , please don't suggest conselling or meetups.com (had a panic attack two years ago before I was meant to go to a meetup, now the group wants nothing to do with me) or meds.

[S_A_D_]

Tell us about the last person that was your friend. What age were they? Can you remember? What did they look like? Describe them to us. Skin colour, hair colour? Was their voice deep or high pitched?

Remember the relationship you had while you were friends. What was it like being with them, hanging out, talking? How did you feel? Where did you go with them? Did you go to the mall and window shop and look at the cool new stuff that everyone's trying to sell? 

[luke_c]

Agreed. In his latest album, Born to Sing: No Plan B, in one or two of his songs, he sings about issues that are bothering him and what "drive him up the wall", and I agree with what he says, "going to Monte Carlo to find my head some peace", getting away from the musicians are trying to drive him mad. One of my favourites (and one of his older songs, from 1982 infact), is Cleaning Windows. He expresses his simple pleasures and satisfaction at work and outside work, this was at a time in his life when he had a job as a window cleaner.

[luke_c]

Here's mine Christacat:

Fave movie- James Bond, Jason Statham movies (Christacat, what are your thoughts on these guys?)

fave colour- navy blue, dark grey (probably not an everyday answer)

worst thing that happened at school- getting bullied and getting racially abused (I'm half Thai, half Kiwi)

goals- have a home near the beach with beautiful wife, kids and pets, own a classic car such as a 1960s Ford Mustang.

The most important things to me are simple pleasures, such as a nice bed to come home to, some company, coffee, good food and a job.

Hope this inspires you a bit.

Have you tried depression groups? I can assure you, people will not judge you there. You may even learn to start liking yourself more, I repeat, you are not a worthless person.

[luke_c]

Maybe don't try so hard, just be. I found this difficult when I was young I know.

Just to give you a little insight, even world champion athletes suffer from major depression. Surfers such as former champion Tom Carroll come to mind here, he suffered from depression. Not because they couldn't connect with people, had little money or couldn't support himself (what I've seen he lives in a nice beachside suburb (likely on the Northern Beaches of Sydney, which is very expensive), he drives a Volvo, has a family and whole swag of surfboards in his garage), it was simply because he wasn't winning anymore world titles.

Hope this helps. And keep sticking with the volunteering, I can assure you, you will make friends eventually if you stick at it. And when you do meet them, make an effort to understand they are not thinking negatively of you, they want to know you, yes you.

[christacat]

Last two friends I had

One of them was my age. We had nothing in common...he would go on and on about video games or Dungeons and Dragons or electronics.  I sat and listened. But when I said anything about my interests, he would tease me pretty bad. His friends hated me too. We did have *some* good times, but it was not often because I would avoid his invites and once I asked him nicely to come to a movie with me, never gave me an answer just an excuse. The last time we 'spoke' he left a nasty comment on my facebook about one of my interests, and I ignored it. He deleted me off Facebook and we never spoke again. This was three years ago.

The other friend was a girl close to my age, I often said no to her invites to go out because it would just involve her getting drunk. We have nothing in common and the last time we went out, she dragged me into bars and pubs which I hate. She invited me to go out again, and I said no, she has been pretty much avoiding me ever since.

Being with them I felt like I was stuck and I couldn't connect to them at all.

[christacat]

I have been booted out of depression groups. Just don't get along with anyone in them. Like everywhere else...always the outcast, loser. I am even judged in them.

If I am not worthless, how come I get teased? ignored? used? where are my friends I can connect to?

[S_A_D_]

You and I have at least one thing in common. I really enjoy going to the movies. Have you seen a film in the new 3D IMAX cinemas? It gives me a bit of a headache, but the improvement is depth perception is worth it. Amazing technology these days.

My favourites are comedy and adventure films. Action and drama are also great, but it feels like there are too many action films out these days. I feel a bit overwhelmed by too many choices. Movies based on comics like DC comics and Marvel comics seem to be the new "in thing" these days. At first I didn't mind it, but enough's enough. They need to take a break for a while I think.

I don't like horror. I'm scared enough already with my anxiety. I don't need to add to it with scary stuff.

I'm not a big fan of the new thing where you get an assigned seat. What am I supposed to do if I walk in there and up to my seat, and I've picked one right behind someone really tall, or next to a crying baby. They tell me I'm not allowed to move. Can you keep a secret? I still move, and then hope I don't get caught. Don't tell anyone, OK?

Going to bars and pubs fully sucks. We seem to have a culture in Australia built around the drinking of dangerous quantities of cancer causing, mind altering drugs. They have competitions for who can drink the most without passing out. The US have a similar culture, and it's a bad influence. I learned in class a month ago that pubs will play drinking songs to increase sales, subliminally forcing people to drink more, as if they weren't making enough money with 250% profit margin already.

I don't mind the occasional drink with friends over a meal, but I refuse to be forced. I like to drink for the taste of the drink, not to get drunk. For example the experience of sipping a cocktail on the beach, under an enormous umbrella, and a little umbrella for the drink, ... and I just remembered I'm not a fan of the beach, I just like the fantasy of that relaxed feeling, like all those advertisements of exotic private beaches on an island in the South Pacific. I don't mind the salty air, but sand is one of the most abrasive substances on Earth, and it gets into, well, everywhere I wish it didn't. Right up to that point, when I get annoyed with the sand, I can tolerate the beach, even though it's usually noisy, crowded, er, noisy, artificial, populated, noisy... Can you tell I don't like noisy and crowded places? I'm not afraid of small places, I'm just sensitive. Bright lights and loud sounds give me a headache. I can handle the cinema fine, but strobe lights, and deep drum and bass beats, irritate me, and I don't like people shouting at me, or places where I have to shout back to be heard. Ugh, totally worst places ever, I don't understand how they can be so popular. Can you?

[christacat]

I have only been to IMAX once.

 Sick of seeing movies on my own all the time. Wish I had someone to go with.

[cassie_babin]

Hello all

well first let me introduce myself my name is cassie and I saw the topic of this post and thought i resembled it most as i am indeed alone and hated. I am not sure if this is where u are supose to share your story but there seems to be no link for it in the share your story section. I am a 26 year old mother of 2. 6 yr old boy and a 2 yr old girl. I am not getting a long with my inlaws at the moment they all hate me and this is why. My husband has been a long time sufferer of skitzo-affective disorder. Its like sktizophrenia with depression for those of you who have never heard of it. I have  been there for him and bent backwards for him to get the help that he needs while caring for 2 young children. He has had this ilness since he was about 19 we got together when he was 24 and I was 19. He  has delutions and talks to himself he had had delusions about me and has accused me of having an affair. Over the years i have been so worn and torn by this illness Its has been hard for me to look after myself and my 2 children. Alex has a sister who lives in the states and she demanded 6 grand from him while I was 6 months pregnant with our son. She never paid him back and I think she took advantage of him because of his issues and none of alexs family would give her the money when they could afford to it had to be us a young family starting out. I had post notal  depression after having my son but i had to put that all aside in order to care for my husband and seek him help it was hard for him to keep work because of this. But i know its not his fault he does the best he can. He thought I had an affair so emotionally abused me for a few years while I was trying to do so much for him. His family did not even ask me if he was ok or if I was ok they just pretended it wasnt happening. I would go over their house and they would sometimes be rude to me ignore me, fob me off or treat me like i was invisible. I had my second child when I was 24 and could not take anymore so i developed post natal psycosis with anxiety and just couldnt cope anymore. I blew my stack at them for not doing enough for alex or to help me out with the kids. They never even told me about  his condition. I found out about it when i was 8 months pregnant with our son. I tried so many times to get them to understand but they would not listen to me. Seemed like they just didnt care. They said they cared but them did nothing would never here from them again. We had a celabration for his 30th birthday last year and his sister and boyfriend bought marijuana to my parents house and gave it to him. I was so upset because the last thing an ill person should be doing it pot! but they didnt see it that way and treated me like i was the one with the problem when I got angry at them. I told my sister inlaw who i trusted more than any of them and who i like very  much and she just told me she didnt beleive it even happened. But I know it did happen because somone else at the party saw them. I was so hurt she didnt care i expected more from her because she is an intelligent woman. A week the pot incident he got admitted to hospital had another mental breakdown and had a delution where he turned himself into the police. I am putting it down the the marijuana. Our brother inlaw put pressure on him to take it apparently. I got so fed up with his family that I wrote them a letter telling them all what I thought. I should not have done that i wish I could take it bad I am sorry for it but I was so angry I had a complete mental breakdown that I just couldnt deal with this anymore and his family not caring. They say they do but actions speak louder than words. They have hurt me over the years but I have also hurt them so now we are not speaking. They just dont trust me anymore due to my outbursts. I still feel very depressed that it has to be this way and its mostly my fault the way I handled it. I am not blaming them for the whole thing. I kept my hurt bottled up for 5 years and then one day just exploded at them and then I kept going and its like I coulnt stop. At one point I was in such a dark place that I thought they were all out to get me and I sent them a lot of irrate emails and text msgs just so I could be heard. They are no longer speaking to me because I have hurt them also. I wish I could mend it but there is nothing I can do but apologize. Because of all the issues I have developed myself i have lost many friends a long the way.

so that is why I am "alone and hated"

[S_A_D_]

Cassie,

You have said that you are anxious. Did you know that anxiety can easily develop into paranoia? This is what happened to me too. Reading through your post, I get the impression of an increasing state of paranoia. Did you know that paranoia can generate delusions and hallucinations? I have hallucinated many things that I was so sure about. It only takes a seed of an idea, and quickly it grows into certainty with the help of "confirmation bias." I see what I want to see, I hear what I want to hear. When people know this about you, some will take advantage of this weakness in your credibility, like my father does. So the question is, how sure are you that pot was given to your husband by his brother? And how sure are you that he smoked it? And how sure are you that by the smoking of pot it caused that incident with police? It's easy to say you're 100% sure of all of that, until you start thinking about it. Are your memories reliable? You said someone else saw part of this ... can they confirm this again today? Can you prove anything else without performing an interrogation?

I don't think they hate you. They're just scared, in the same way people are scared of me. And probably your husband. And most of the other people on here. People are generally scared of what they don't understand. If you want people, like your in-laws, to accept you, educate them. Explain to them your feelings, and what makes you feel that way, without getting angry and attacking them. This brings me to my next point ...

Rage. You're a lot like me. I bottle things up too, and then I blow my top and lose the plot, and this is called an outburst of rage. They push and push and give us hell, and tell us it's all our fault they behave this way, when they're supposed to be the healthy ones, right? Well, not exactly. We all have baggage, even the healthy people, and the healthy ones are often trying so hard to stay healthy, so they avoid us as though we have leprosy or something. Strange as it may seem, their need to stay healthy and in control of their environment is what makes them just as unhealthy as us, with egotistical attitudes and OCD and stuff. We're all vulnerable, and if someone pushes the wrong buttons on a particular personality they can go from normal to insane in 4.3 seconds.

You're not alone. You have a husband and two wonderful kids who themselves need to socialise. This is how you make new friends. Take your family to places your kids will enjoy and talk to other parents who are also watching their kids play. If you do this every day and never give up looking for someone to talk to, you cannot fail.

Also, consider reading my comments for Christacat, and maybe some of the other comments I've exchanged with people here. Also, I recommend reading from David, Damien, and Geoff, 3 of my closest friends.