A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[smallwolf]

Hello All,

Been meaning to write something but time or lack thereof gets in the way. So what has happened since the last time I wrote. Might have to go backwards in time.

Went to psychiatrist yesterday. Might finally have a some sort plan or way of my situation. What is my situation? Well, since last weekend I have been starting to wake up again around 2am and stare the clock.Somewhat concerned about regressing back to where I was. But I know my psychs* are both helping me. I said (joked) to my psychiatrist that as long as she can keep me sane til my plan kicks into gear...

Last Thu, I had first venesection done. That went quite easily until about 20min later and I was at local shopping center feeling very light-headed. Nearly fainted, until I found a chair to sit on for about 30min or so. Next time will stay at hospital for about an hr afterwards.

In the last 2 weeks I also wrote 2 emails for my psychologist. The first was about me wanting certainty. And the second was a brief history of my childhood (til 20ish) to determine issues which might contribute to how I am at the moment. I will see my psychologist tomorrow, and will see what she says about me! Hope there was no too much reading for her!

Procrastinating about what I am going to do? This relates to what I will do next. I am already studying part-time. Not sure about what a diploma will do for me. Made an appointment with someone about related theological studies for next Wed. That might be helpful. Why? Was at a church meeting this morning and emergency policy stuff was mentioned, which included stuff related to self-harm etc. Ignoring the content of the policy they were asking me question about how to handle certain scenarios. I only told them to be with the person or call 000. The point is ... how to talk to someone, recognise a problem etc., what "advice" to give (for lack of a better word), is otherwise unknown.

I just want to make sure I make the right decision.

Random thoughts are over.

Signing off,

Tim

[Guest8901]

Dear Tim,

Thanks for sharing your random thoughts on Wednesday.

Waking up and staring at the clock at 2am. Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that, its not nice is it? Do you then see the clock every half hour thereafter? I do. Have you tried turning the clock away from you, so you dont see it?

Its good that you've had your first venesection last week. I guess its a trial and error thing, at least now you know that you may have a reaction and its best to rest for a bit before leaving the hospital.

It sounds like you have been doing lots of constructive homework with your psych. I think it matters not whether there is too much for the psych to read. Perhaps the best part of this process is that it forces you to look very closely at your own inner thoughts. This in itself is therapeutic I think. Since you're submitting it to your psych, then you are doing it under supervision, even if you're doing it from home. I see that you had a psych appointment yesterday (Thurs), and really hope that went well for you. If you wish to share what your psych thought about you, I'd be interested in hearing.

Good on you for wanting to further your knowledge about what advice to provide to people in difficulty, and how to handle certain scenarios. Is the course you're contemplating on offer at TAFE or university, or elsewhere? It sounds like some very good and useful life skills to have, and would also be helpful in your capacity as a Community Champion. So I am impressed with your desire to learn more.

I hope you have a good weekend planned? Wishing you calm thoughts, sound sleep and a relaxing weekend spent with family and/or friends.

Amanda

[smallwolf]

Mandy,

Thanks for stopping by.

My appointment on Thu was cancelled. I was a bit disappointed when I got the call, but I was put onto the waiting list. Later on Thu (in the afternoon) I got a call saying someone cancelled, and I was able to get in today. Woot! Given all the writing I had done, I was hoping for some feedback based on what I had sent.

So today, we talked about the my last 2 weeks and perfectionism and uncertainty. You should be able to guess what my homework is... putting myself in situations of accepting uncertainty and challenging my perfectionism traits, and working through it. I guess as opposed to ruminating on it. And continue with my gratitude journal stuff.

We also spoke about what I don't tell my wife and what I should tell her. I had my reasons to bring this up.

I found some documents on the web where I know some of the resources are taken from, so downloaded some reading for the above topics, plus worksheets. In the next session will look at my childhood stuff.

The little reading that I have done, and from my session with my psychiatrist I can see anxiety, and perfectionism coming into play. Struggling to make decisions, and procrastinating is behavior assoc. with perfectionism, so I guess I am challenging that in a meeting next week with a spiritual director. The reality (as I said to my psych. is that I don't want to make the wrong decision whatever that is. Possibly the reason why I am going to speak with this director is because I attended a meeting during the week in which one item was a policy in relation to helping people. But the ideas presented for someone in a situation of possible self-harm was wrong on so many level. And I told them why. I probably only have some ideas of this stuff, because of BB and similar sites and my own situation. I am slowly working it out. And both my psychiatrist and psychologist said they will keep me sane while I get things into gear.

On the weekend going out to dinner on Sat night... family affair for parents 50th wedding anniversary.

Tim

[demonblaster]

How you going there Wolfy 🙂 Hi all

I read a while back and finally made it back. I have a vague recollection that I might have spoken to you re the venesection, that wouldn't have been good but glad you'll rest for longer next time. Maybe a sweet drink could help too and a bicky or 5 if they're choccy 🙂

Reassuring knowing the Pyschs will keep you sane. They have a hard job. I don't mean with you specifically lol, you seem happy with them and comforting having the security knowing they're looking out for you.
I've been putting a lot of thought into perfectionism too actually so I'll try and read on it too just have to get through this and quite a lot on atm. Said it before I know but I've been doing a lot of the positives and gratitude's mainly & starting to habit not accepting first thought as truth looking for positives in same situation and when I remember some REBT you mentioned too that's helping me no end. Thanks Wolfy 🙂 here's amazing so many people sharing their strategies and helping everyone. Gold

I wanted to ask your advice if you don't mind please, I've been thinking a LOT more about my childhood and trying to work out the whys and thought to maybe email here but I'm not sure whether I should or talk to psych or both. What do you suggest?

Hope you enjoyed your dinner, wow 50 yrs is massive, how beautiful. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your parents.

Always want the best for you Mr Wolfy, take really good care and everyone 🙂

[smallwolf]

Hey DB,

I actually sent what I wrote to my psych. There are a few reasons why I did not post here. Space for one. Content was another - there are some things (?) that are reserved for the client/psych? (At least for me.) As for the "whys" I would not worry so much about that, I just wrote down things of significance, which I interpreted in a negative light. As then there was some other stuff. For example, my childhood life was very structured. And as far as the negatives were concerned, these resolved around why I thought/think I was/am not good enough.

I think we will be delving into my childhood in the next session (this Thu).

The first thing you would do is write it out. I think. What you do with it then is up to you. I am somewhat lucky that I could speak with my parents about some stuff, which then went into the document I wrote (that was sent to my psych). So, maybe, if you have any relatives alive, they could provide you with some information. Thing is, there are some things from my childhood that I cannot or could not remember. But one thing stuck out for me was that if I wanted to do anything, I had to learn how to do it first. Whether it was sport, hobbies, etc. And I was also left-handed, so if you are told to hold a racquet a certain way, etc, always had to reverse the instructions. A little slower. I have the same issues with my son who is right handed. But at least I tried to show him right-handed tips and tricks.

I have gone off topic here... And it is good that some of the stuff is working for you also! With all things, I find there are somethings that I know wont work for me (eg some tips in the happiness trap book) but others that I think have a chance, and know that I have to be persistent in order for them to work. I know that if I dont do my gratitude journals, I can slide down quickly.

Fun fact... did you know the Dalai Lama gets up at 3am and pray/meditates for 4-5 hours. That is according a book that he and +Tutu wrote about the joy. A book I am reading at the moment. He prays, I write (though for a lot shorter time period). Comes down to this.... what works for you?

Tim

[smallwolf]

Just a very quick update (Keep in mind things like 'good' and 'bad' are relative)...

Mon. This was a bad day.

Tue. Slight improvement on Mon.

Wed. Better again?

Real news is that I have moved out of procrastination mode and starting a Dip. in Counselling. As most would know I have been at a crossroads for some time. I spoke to someone at college about an alternative path, but after discussions figured that "it" and "I" would not fit together. And discussions between my psych any myself would indicate it is a good fit for me. And a way of transitioning out of IT into something that would be more satisfying or fulfilling.

Not sure yet how to defer my BTh but worry about that one next week.

For me, this is is definitely a leap into uncertainty.

Tim

[CMF]

Hi Tim

Well done for taking the leap. I think it's great. I think you will be great as a counselor, it comes across in your posts here.

Well done and best of luck

Cmf x

[demonblaster]

Wow! That's amazing Wolfy, I'm excited for you 👍

Power on forward good man.

Guessing it'd be bitter/sweet favoring sweet leaving the security of what you've been settled in kind of with work (not the rot) but secure in the area of what you've known. The positive is I feel 🌱 new beginnings are stimulating which ultimately I hope for you Wolfy would give you more peace.

Good for you matey 😀

I still can't quite grasp what relative means but the last person that explained not that atm my memories working very well. Could you please explain that to me Wolfy or anyone 😶 Is it meaning it's, yeah/nah 😁 too hard basket. My head as you can see apart from many people doing their best way too often gives me reason to believe I'm stupid, not as much these days though. Have more understanding of why which helps.

Go easy good people.

[smallwolf]

Thank you both - CMF and DB.

My day ended on a real downer. Friday is my day off and when I got home there was an email waiting. It was passed onto me. The email was similar to one that resulted in me going onto ADs and sick leave. And I was triggered. 😞 Back to that night before.

On the upside (haha) wife now has full knowledge of what happened that night. And told me that if I need to make an emergency visit to psych, then do so.

As soon as things seem to turn around, something has to ruin it all. *Screams*

I was doing so well.

Tim

[smallwolf]

Quick update... Venesections are going OK. According to the doctor that takes my blood out, ferritin has gone from 1900 down to 1300 after 2 sessions, which in turn has improved by mood. Anxiety still present. Know this from looking at work email this morning before going to parents place. Have started on the Dip. with readings and assessment items.

Next week is full... 3 different doc appointment and something else. But seem to be getting "better" slowly.

Tim