A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[demonblaster]

Ahh bumma Wolfy. Arm around your shoulder. Making you a coffee.

Matey it's a blow and I imagine it's surfacing a lot of painful emotions. I like and agree what I think Birdy said about you bud that you're a quiet achiever (that was the gist). I'm a strong believer in one door closes another opens, may not be straight away or even in the same field though it sounds like you're suited for that.

There's been times I've managed to use negative energy to fire me up and spur me on. It made me more determined and achieved hard goals. Different circumstances. It was condemnation from pfftt friends when I said what I was going to do. Point being from the pain I got positives from negatives. May not have achieved without that extra drive. Turned their stinkin lemons to lemonade.

My late love use to say don't get your hopes up too much because if whatever doesn't happen it's a harder down which is true. I need to work a bit on that but the up side is for that period of time I had hope, anticipation, fire, something to look forward to, and felt happy.

Don't give up on yourself matey remember what you taught me. Feel it, breath through the pain, is there any positives, let it pass through. It's worked and thank you btw ☺ through some savage hards.

Some positives..

• At this stage it's not meant for you..YET? ... That door may not be closed just ajar. You may get that job later. I've seen it happen for various reasons.

• If not something equally good or better may be ahead.

• Because you have the drive and you're putting yourself out there you're increasing your chances for change.

Feel for ya Wolfy 🕊

[Birdy77]

Dear Tim, AKA Wolfy, AKA small old hat 😊

Just checking in with you to let you know we all care about you and hope you are bathing in the light.

School holidays, probably busy for you.

Just reminding you that you are cared for xo

🌻birdy

[smallwolf]

Hey! Thanks 🙂

Will give you a proper update tomorrow with reflection. Kids back at school. Interesting times with my psychs. Two steps forward,one step back. Looked at friendly formulation today. My homework is map/add my core beliefs to my predispositions. Have the feeling this is where things get real.

Tim

[PamelaR]

Hiya Tim

Just popping in to see you're okay after your appointments this week. Ahhh, core beliefs. Yep, you're right, it starts to get real.

PamelaR

[smallwolf]

Pamela (and Birdy, and the REST!),

Been a funny 8-9 days. Better now I have to say. But a little afraid at the same time, and you will understand why by the end. Term started again last week. I am not doing any study. (Pam says "I told told so". Tim replies "You were right".) But I am attending one class an auditing, as a way of maintaining contact. The class is somewhat interactive. The end result however was I felt I had been judged by other students in the class. And that had been eating away at me until yesterday. As luck would have it, I saw my psychiatrist on Tue and psychologist yesterday. When I explained what happened to my psychiatrist, she believed it was wrong also. So I felt a little better then. So yesterday, I rattled off some (not all) of the stuff I am dealing with, but it ended with my psychologist filling out a friendly formulation form covering predisposing, precipitating, perpetuating, and protective factors. So what I have do now, it add the rest of my core beliefs. While I cannot remember doing anything on core beliefs with my psychologist, I did find some online, and it was like looking into a mirror of everything I hated about myself, variations of why I am "not good enough", things somehow from my youth, that made what I am today. But if this is what I must do to in order to get better, then I will do it. And here is the crazy thing about it, despite my qualifications, I still feel stupid. And my ideas do not generally fit into the mould of the other students (though my psych said that is a actually a strength, flexible thinking, alternate views etc.) Or "not being able to say no". Anyway, as I scanned a list I could go "Yep, ... yep, yep" and wonder where they came from.

Lost my train of thought... If I have more will add it later.

Tim

[PamelaR]

Hi Tim

Awww, I'd never say I'd told you so. That's not me. People make choices for all sorts of reasons - I've heard you say that yourself many times. You made a choice at a time, now you've changed that - all good. Circumstances have changed.

Delving into the bottomless pit of one's earlier years is frightening, painful and excruciating. All we can do is hold your hand as you pass through this phase. Let you know you're not alone, there are many people who care for you very much. Your family love you very much. The wounds will heal - in time. Have faith in God and those around you.

I'm here whenever you want to talk Tim.

Kind regards

Ruth

[CMF]

Hi Tim,

the feeling of being judged eats away at me also? Why do you they were judging you? Is it because of what you were doing There?

how is everything else going?

Cmf x

[smallwolf]

CMF,

It was the first class for the term. It was a class exercise in exegesis and the person next to me made a remark in the form of a question that I answered. The next thing I heard was "that's a bit political", to which I replied "huh". I was then told by the same person that my statement was racist. Before I provide an explanation, I had just started a reply, I was interrupted by another student speaking over me telling me why it was racist. I gave up at that point. Later in the lecture, same students could not understand how a person can get fixated on word or phrase in a sermon with an attitude of you are dumb.

When I got home I wrote an email to the lecturer who apologized. The lecturer knows about me and MI. But I did say that may not speak up again in class.

I also spoke with couple of friends about this and they were on my side. It could have been a misunderstanding on my part, but the way I was spoken down to was unfair. My psychiatrist was able to make lite of the incident.

I see a specialist on Tue re my iron levels. Little bit nervous because I am not sure what to expect. And I will see my psychologist on Thursday. Think we will be looking at core beliefs. I did my homework in that area. The reasons why I think that I am not good enough are both real and unreal. They are things that I think should not effect me, yet have a profound effect on what I think and how I operate.

Si that's me...

Tim

[moganjae_12]

hey small wolf

i know how it feels i have severe anxiety and it feels like i'm trapped in a box, i may not have anxiety about the same ting you do but all i can say if it will get better, it may seem like it wont but it will, i was ready to give up but it will be OK, just surround yourself with things and people you love and look at the bright side of things

hope this helps

🙂

[demonblaster]

Hey Wolfy ☺ and all 🖐

I've not been posting obviously for a bit but have been reading and so sad to hear of that slack (must be a lady here) response from that and other class people. A great frustration is not to be heard let alone misunderstood, feel for you Wolfy. Power to you in a way not going furthur with that to avoid cpnflict but I feel in detriment to you because apart from how I imagine it feels they now think the wrong thing of you. I know we differ in personalities but in that situation I'm afraid I'd keep at it till they hear my side. This may not be something you're comfy with but do you feel you could approach them and explain where you were coming from. Completely understand your reluctance to speak again. That was not called for. If I remember correctly you have a good rapore with psych but I didnt think making lite of it was much help either. Sorry but I don't like people I care about being downed. Know how it is when some make out we're dumb. Urghh. At least the people that matter are understanding and clearly have an understanding of you.

Re Iron if it is down there's meds and iron rich food that can pick it up again. Don't know if you're a liver lover (lambsfry's more tender and even better chicken livers) and ick spinach but cooked with garlic or in something more bearable. There'd be a few drinks on the market too high in iron I imagine as well.

Excuse my dah, when you say core beliefs, could you explain that please.

Quickly moving onto another subject 😶 ☺ which now I'm at a blank of course but can share with you all it's a lovely day, birdies doin their thing not too cold.

I often remember what you said about listening for 3 sounds and do it at random. Thanks Wolfy.

Hoping to walk my hills today and go a bit furthur than have lately and try for a change in scenery. Absolutely beautiful here.

Hope your days a better one goid man 👍 and everyone 🌹

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