A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[demonblaster]

Power to ya Wolfy 👍

[smallwolf]

Another update...

Been somewhat quiet lately. Been reflecting and thinking about things. Some of those thoughts are in the latest post I put on Chloe's thread. Speak purely subjectively I think that some of my issues were added to by incidents that happened in high school days. Things that would contribute to how one might feel about themselves today. And then might explain why I am so self critical today. Why I might jump to the negatives and ignore the positives. I have been meaning to write an email for my psychologist about this but have not yet found the time. And in this time of reflection, sometimes, or I (me), in order to make progress you have to go backwards. You feel stupid for feeling stupid. Never meeting your expectations or what you think others expect of you. And if those thoughts are really bad can lead to SI. But I am OK. I told mum about some of the things from my school days and she was shocked. I had never told her previously. Things that happened to us when we were much younger can have a profound effect on us later on in life. Sometimes people don't think about the consequences of their words. Statements made once can be ignored. Similar statements made multiple times reinforce that thought or make it real. At least in our minds. After I told Mum she said that she hoped she never said anything like that to me. I don't think she did. I could write another po st about exclusion and belonging but that would take much longer. My story is not as horrific as others here. But feeling that you were never good enough is not pleasant either. This is what I want to chat with the psychologist about next time.

Changing topic... Had ultrasound today on abdomen re ferritin levels. Tomorrow I see the psychiatrist. Maybe haircut, depending on time. Hopefully more time here. Because here I belong. A kind of home.

Tim

[CMF]

Hi Tim,

sorry to hear yr school days were so rough on you but glad you've identified that. You're so lucky to have yr mum that understands.

hope tomorrow's row is a better day.

cmf x

[demonblaster]

Dear Wolfy 🕊 and all ☺

I read that today on Chloes thread, I too am sorry you felt not good enough and so true, damage at anytime is hard especially at a tender vulnerable age it carries through.

Well said CMF I agree it's good you've been able to identify and agree as you've said knowing the cause can help in recovery and sadly I too think we need to feel the pain to heel as I said to Peps today I'm not sure exactly why but I think maybe we can draw strength somehow from it. You certainly take on your demons and are prepared to work out how to get through which is why I believe with your intelligence and strength of will you'll get to the other side 🕊

Hope you do have time for a haircut. Crazy it's hair as in not a physical sensation like a massage well I guess a good hair wash is if they don't yank your hair out in the process or scalp us but it can be so uplifting.

Ferritin levels, I follow you but will have to read back again, best with that ☺

Been thinking about you lately as I do others here and rl and was going to chat but ended up 😷 good again for now. I know you said I can but ...

Interesting you said about emailing your psych, a couple of things have opened my eyes to possibilities that are breaking my heart and tbh the walls are shooting up but I probs will have to go there actually 😢 I'll stop there for now, need to enjoy my goods atm cause the hards are to come. Nothing to do with last couple of days but the cosmos is opening up as it does with mania and today a passage out of the entire book we read at this new MH group (👍) touched again on it 😲 Uncanny I tell ya. It's not bad as such but explains a hell of a lot but damn it's a hard area Wolfy. Not bad for not talking here huh 😄

You do belong and you make a difference to many.

Tentative 🤗 if not 🕊 and 🐧 because its adorabubble.

Hope psych is productive.

Take really good care Wolfy.

Ohh nearly forgot, I'm hoping you one of the masters at fantasy will be coming to the campfire on Grandys Fantasy thread soon. Interactive and progressive.

🗝 Golden key for anyone interested, All welcome.

Nigh nite everyone. 🕊 dreams 🌹

[Guest8901]

Dear Tim,

I love reading your updates. Not because they are necessarily pleasant, but because they are so insightful. I havent read your Chloe post, but will try to find it shortly and have a read. I'm sure it will be inspiring, as all of your posts are.

I'm glad you have been able to likely identify why you are so self critical. That sounds like a bit of a breakthrough, so well done. 👍 And well done also for talking it over with your Mum. This is all good stuff. But of course you'd know that. Yes its very true that our formative years have a huge impact on our adult lives and in how we come to see ourselves. They are not called 'formative' for no reason, after all. 😄

It matters not, how horrific other members stories are, what does matter is YOUR STORY and how it affects YOU. Its always possible to find others whose lives are far worse than our own. But there again if you were to put your story to them, they may well consider yours to be more horrific than their own. I guess we can become a little numb or desensitised to our own lives sometimes. But it doesnt mean they are any less horrific or difficult.

I note that you are seeing your psychiatrist today. I hope that goes well, and that the ultrasound results come through with no issues. You did not mention whether you'd heard anything regarding the job interview you had last week. Perhaps you are yet to hear anything. Waiting with bated breath for some good news. I'm confident of you, but not so much of the system.

Wishing you the best. Nice to hear you feel like you belong here. Good thing too because I dont think anyone is prepared to let you do anywhere soon. 🤗

Eagerly awaiting your next instalment.

Amanda 🌹

[smallwolf]

Have to go to appointment shortly. But to answer those questions...

(1) the ultrasound was more precautionary because of my ferritin levels.

(2) not really sure what is happening with the job yet. I spoke with the person doing the interviews today (saw him on the grounds) and he said he concluded to interviews yesterday. He also said that he wished he could employ/hire more an 1 person. Me being a glass half empty is thinking I have missed out. Will find out at end of week. Hopefully.

I sent my previous post to my psychologist. She replied and will cover that next week. Thought it would be a good place to start.

But going back to that post... if I am not living up to expectations... who am I try to please?!? Myself? If someone else, then WHO?!?

Tim

[Ggrand]

Hello Tim,

Im just calling in to say hello and I hope your feeling better then yesterday...Ive been following your journey, but at times feel unable to post because I get lost (confused). in what I read, or I can relate to it to much and just cannot post...I just wanted you to know that I'm listening and I think you are a great inspiration to a lot of people, me included..

Thank you for sharing your journey, I hope today you wake up feeling better then you did yesterday..

Kind thoughts and caring hugs 🤗,

Grandy..

[smallwolf]

Hello All,

Grandy - if you are confused and want some clarification, please ask. 🙂

I was at the psychiatrist yesterday and I was talking to her about perfectionism leading into failure leading into feelings of not good enough leading into SI as punishment. Anyway I mentioned a conversation I had with someone that day and how I then thought that I had screwed up. She said those thoughts are natural given what you have been through. And you cannot rearrange decades of those thoughts overnight. She suggested that I look at a "thing" called formulation. She said...

"As discussed, a formulation is essentially an understanding about what the issue is, how it came to be and what is keeping it going (i.e. the problem, predisposing factors, precipitating factors, perpetuating factors, and the protective factors). It's best done with your psychologist - I'm sure will be happy to work through it with you when the time is right, and likely has a model that she likes to work with (there are a number of styles of formulating, but they have the same goal, which is understanding and assisting with treatment planning)."

She also suggested we (psychologist and I) go through my life history to find all the negatives that contributed to where I am now. And to work out ways of changing or managing. What we are now is the sum of our life experiences. We also talked about the "what ifs" side of things and negative thoughts. Her trick was to take the "what if" to the conclusion or problem solving. (She, not wanting to take over my psychologists job.) The "what ifs" make us (read "me") dwell on things I have no control over. There are ways of overcoming this. None of these will help you or me with things in the past, but hopefully help manage in the future so that the whats ifs don't (start to) control us. For events that happened in the past this might be getting some sort of closure. Or answering ‘what if’ with, “So what!” to put the nagging thought firmly in its place. Have not tried this yet.

I also found this quote on the Interhole....

“Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?” said Piglet. “Supposing it didn’t,” said Pooh, after careful deliberation.

Tim

[smallwolf]

Missed out on the job. 😞

[Music_Freak]

BUGGER!!

I know how that feels...all to well 😞

That sucks Tim, but try and see it as a speed hump rather than a complete setback - you've been doing great.

Are there any other jobs you think you might apply for?