Watched my partner die

[Kimmy76]

Hi, I'm still in shock I think. In July my partner (only 46 years old) had some abdominal pain and a few days later we found out he had stage 4 terminal pancreatic cancer. He died painfully 8 weeks later. I can't sleep or eat and although I'm already on antidepressants for anxiety, my panic attacks are coming back. I have a 7 year old who I have to be strong for but I feel like I'm loosing it. I can't afford to take any time off work so even though he passed away two weeks ago, I have to just shut it all off. So I would love some advice about how to let go and grieve - but while still having to day to day things like school drop offs, work, after school activities etc. Thanks for listening 🙂

[MarkJT]

Kimmy, i am so sorry for your loss and in the circumstances that it occurred, incredibly traumatic.

One piece of advice that i can give is that you just cannot "push" it away. Your grieving needs to be dealt with. Pushing matters away will not work in the long run.

Yes you have to be strong for your 7 year old but you will be much stronger in years to come if you deal with the grief now. Will not lie to you, you will not get over this in the short term. What you have gone through is nearly as bad as it gets and will take a lot of time to reconcile.

It is a small thing but a critical thing - as you cannot eat much, what you do eat must be tip top. Stay well away from unhealthy foods. Your body still needs fuel and for you to function as well as you can at the moment, give the body the best fuel you can give it. Even small bits at a time will be better than crap food.

Have you engaged with the GP and/or psych? If not, get onto it. You need clinical support through this.

Have you a mate at school who can either pick up or drop off you 7 year old a day or two a week? This again is a small thing but if it just eases your duties that little bit, it can help.

You are in the forums now, you are being supported, you ask as many questions as you want and we will be here for you.

Mark.

[Croix]

Dear Kimmy~

This may be hard to read, put it off until a suitable time if you like.

I'm very sorry you have to go though this, I had to when my wife died, though I had more warning than you. After 2 weeks you have not even started to settle down, the funeral may be out of the way and you are left with a landscape of tasks without guidance, all on your own.

I can't give you a great set of instructions that will make things much better. I can say a few things that sort of helped me - you may well be different.

Don't rush. Don't be in a hurry to do anything, from getting rid of possessions to signing papers to ... well anything you can put off really. It will be hard enough going though the motions almost on auto-pilot at times - doing the things in ordinary life, cooking, shopping, school and so on.

Grief will overwhelm at times, you may have enough time to stop what you are doing, I don't know, but expect it. I had to pull over in a car a couple of times. Grief is exhausting, so do what little you can to pace yourself. Try to set aside times for rest, even in a busy schedule.

As Mark says the physical side, food, rest, even a little exercise, all will help give you the resources you need.

Do you have people who will support you - parents, family, friends? Try to get as much help as you can, off-load as many tasks as possible, particularly driving. Try also to have people to talk to, you will say the same things again and again, that is OK.

Panic attacks are horrible, breathing helps: in though nose slowly, hold for 3, out though mouth slowly trying to relax face head & shoulders as you do. Move away to another place/room

Counseling (see your GP) may be a help, I did not go that way, but very many do and it can be a real help.

I did find that doing tasks helped me to push the grief away for a little while, it always returned of course but there were short periods I ended up being able to concentrate away from it all, these were actually a relief.

Being close to your 7 year old now is something you will do naturally, however a child's reactions, at least to start with may sometimes not be what you expect. I've no idea what will happen for you. I have found not only supporting a child, but getting them to support you may help them a little, even if only becoming accustomed to getting the tissue box as mummy starts to cry.

As Mark says, we are here

Croix

[Guest_128]

Hi Kim,

You are doing ok,you sound like a very nice mum,partner, and person.

I think what can help you the most is your child, don't hold back how you are feeling,it's a natural reaction and you should not hide it from anyone. Tell your child so there is understand it won't hurt your child,it will help strengthen your child.

Your age of your child, primary school, I would say there are a lot of people offering to help you. Take it.

Dont forget to laugh at all the things your partner did. Play those songs,smell his clothes,it ok.

I am so sorry,it does get better.

Dory😘

If you need to chat we are here,

[Kimmy76]

Thank you for all the replies, its nice to know that I'm not alone. I ended up having a breakdown at the doctors today so they've doubled my antidepressant dose and put me on additional tablets to take three times a day until I get a grip. I never thought in a million years that something like this could happen 😞

[MarkJT]

Kimmy, I can absolutely guarantee you that you are not alone.

With the breakdown that you had, that is to be expected and will happen a few more times yet.

This is a completely natural thing to occur - you do not need to be reminded that you have been through a massively traumatic experience. You need time to adjust to this.

Lean on us if you need to, ask what you want to, have a whinge if you need - we are here for you.

Mark.

[Kimmy76]

Thank you Mark, I just don't understand how this could've happened. He started getting symptoms a year ago - like high blood pressure and reflux but the doctors just treated the symptoms with medications but I guess that is normal. And when the abdominal pain started getting bad 3 months before the diagnosis, over the counter pain relief worked and the GP said the pain was probably gall stones and didn't look further. It took going to the GP every week for a month for them to finally stop saying "you need to lose weight, stop taking over the counter medications because that could be causing the pain etc" to getting an ultrasound and there was clearly a mass. A week later the CT scan was done only to a find a 13.5 cm tumour in head,tail and body of the pancreas and it showed metastasising to the liver. He was put in hospital that day and died 8 weeks later. To me, I am angry that he wasn't taken seriously - a 46 year old man that has never had reflux before suddenly starts getting it for no reason? He had a little bit of a belly but it got bigger because of the tumours growing so they told him to lose weight. They didn't even start chemo until 4 weeks in being at the hospital - by that time he was riddled with it. Maybe last year if I had of pushed him to make the doctor further he would've been here longer. 76 percent of patients with pancreatic cancer only last year and only 7 percent last 5 years BUT if I had of pushed him, maybe he could've lasted a year. I just feel so guilty saying "its nothing". I could've done more, I could've tried harder to make him stop smoking, I could've done something more and that's what haunts me

[Guest_128]

Hey there Kim,

i don't know how many times I have heard lack of diagnosis from gps, personally I don't have much faith in them but to be fair I don't think they are trained to take on all the medical problems out there.

It is very normal for you to try and get answers,and to take blame. Your hubby would of experienced an awful death. How would he of lived if it went for 12 more months?

you have full rights to be angry and you are going to have to ride the wave.

I am sorry you are in this place,you loved him deeply and that he has taken with him.

[Guest_128]

Ps Kim,

YOU yell and scream as much as you want here,it's ok.

Dory😘

[Kimmy76]

Thank you Dory. I just can't fathom this and I'm angry as hell. I'm going to have to talk to a shrink or else I don't feel I'll be able to move on. You have to live for the living and not dwell on the past. Thank you once again for all the replies, its helped a lot xx