Unexpected loss of husband & not coping

[Kezza2002]

I’m not sure if writing this will help but I’m not sure what else to do.

My husband passed away from a heart attack in July aged 41. He had no underlying health issues. I barely made it through Father’s Day & my birthday. Everyone keeps saying how strong I am but I feel like I can barely breath.

The world keeps turning & people are starting to get back into things but my world has stopped. We have a 6 year old who is low functioning Autistic who keeps pointing to pictures of Dad wondering where he is. I talk about him & try to explain as much as I can.

I feel like I’m letting our child & my husband down. People keep telling me they don’t know how to help & I just say that being there is all I need. But they don’t want to be there because that involves seeing me upset, which some can’t handle.

I feel responsible for his death because I couldn’t save him & I didn’t act fast enough.

I’ve had some counselling where they talked about the stages of grief but I feel that wasn’t enough.

I couldn’t give my husband a proper send off because of the restrictions & looking back I feel his family who I don’t get along with took advantage of me but dictating what had to happen at the funeral & by taking some of his ashes. I tried to accomodate everyone but I feel I didn’t honour my husband enough.

I don’t understand why this had to happen & how I’m supposed to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[Flowertop]

Hi Kezza

I think writing here is a good place to organise your thoughts and at least release some stuff.

The death of your husband is very tragic. No one is ever prepared for something like this. Unfortunately the funeral is what it is in these times and you can’t change that.

You sound amazing that you tried to accomodate everyone and his family: you would of done your husband proud.

It sounds like you were there when your husband had this event and that would be traumatic, but at least he wasn’t alone.
Just keep going and putting one foot in front of the other.

If it gets too hard, ring one of the help lines and speak to your GP.

All the best to you and your son and sending you positive vibes to keep going.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Kezza,

Thank you for posting your grief and suffering on the forums. Your message will be a positive reminder for others to have regular heart checks and heed small warning signs. My sister had abnormal chest pains before being rushed into the operating room for a triple bypass - there can be hereditary links for weak hearts.

I think you will find the first year will be hardest in coping with the grieving process and the overwhelming amount of administration to place affairs in order - you are right and entitled to feel numb and a little at sea. Gradually, things will return to a 'new' normal for you. Corona virus and your son's age and condition are added stresses for you so some longer term counselling may be helpful as you address these hurdles.

Please do not blame yourself for anything - we all respond differently under pressure and the sudden onset would understandably not have entered your mind at such a young age. Some extra guidance on how to explain this to your son may be sought from counsellors also.

Sorry Kezza, you will have to dig deep but you must keep putting one foot in front of the other. Right now, it seems impossible, but there is much to look forward to as you emerge from your grief and honour your late husband's memory by carrying on for your sake and that of your son.

Kind regards,

t.

[Leeroyo1]

Dear Kezza 2002,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss.
I can't imagine what you are going through.
I just want to say it is so tough, and l hope you can get some support.

Warm regards.

Leeroy01

[Smilemore137]

Hi Kezza2002, firstly I’m passing on my condolences to you and your son for your loss. Secondly please don’t carry the responsibility of your husband’s passing you are in no way at fault it’s part of the grieving process to feel those emotions but also part of the healing process is to be able to work through them. Please continue with counselling even if you feel some days it’s not helping just being able to be present with someone is sometimes enough to help you through the harder days. You are an amazing strong person and you’re grief will heal, being strong for your Son is beautiful he will understand one day just how amazingly strong his mum is, he to may benefit from counselling where you both can go and they can help you with him to understand and heal as well children are more aware of more then we know they just deal with things differently. Also please don't let your husband funeral service upset you any more, you did everything you could under the circumstances whilst complying with the restrictions. Family can be a tricky area during times of sadness and grief it’s hard for all! Just remember all the beautiful memories that you shared with your husband they are the ones he’d want you to remember also don’t forget you are loved and you aren’t and never will be alone. I wish you all the love and peace for your and your beautiful Son 🤍💫

[Saddepressed-alone]

I understand what you are going through. My husband died suddenly with 1 small stoke then another big one. We were in Bali and they didn't even know which side to do CPR.  I had to push them out of the way as I watched him passed.  I fell guilty as I should have done more. I can not get the visuals out of my head of him dying and being cremated.  Every morning that is the first thought in my mind, so now I can not sleep as i do not want to wake up.