The negatives of the past year in a tiny nutshell

Cordelia101 · ‎29-04-2019

Hi all, I am new to this, this is my first post

The last year for me I would say has been one of the toughest. A bit of background, my best mate last year tried to kill himself and I had no knowledge that he was feeling suicidal and depressed. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through, the constant worrying afterwards that he would try again, I remember I would try and see him everyday and make sure he was alright. This was the biggest strain and I was so exhausted. Last year was also my senior year at high school and I just started university in March. Anyways, throughout last year things got bad between me and my friend, he would send me messages blaming me for stuff and just putting me down a lot of the time and this really affected me. Eventually about 6 months after he tried I told him i could not talk to him anymore until the school year was over as I couldn't handle it. I know that sounds terrible, it took me so long to make myself tell him this. Anyways, I am one who doesn't really like opening up to people and talking about how I am feeling and this is a real downfall. I never realized how much his attempt had hurt me, I felt so abandoned that he would leave me here, we were best friends and he would just leave me. This now, I have recently realized has scared me. I am so terrified of people leaving me now. Moreover, I used to have pretty bad anxiety quite a few years ago and it has been gone for many years but I can feel it coming back now. Whenever I get anxious I start playing with my necklace and that has been happening so often recently

One of my friends, I first met them in December passed away 2 weeks ago. We were at uni together. This has had the biggest impact on my friendship group, in fact we have her celebration of life coming up in the next dew days. I held it together pretty well but I have my moments when it hits me like a truck and I feel so empty

Last night I also found out that this time last year my best friend tried to kill himself and I had no clue

Everything seems to be falling apart, everyone is leaving and it feels as if I am so alone. At the time he tried to kill himself he had so much going on and he has said that he has never felt the same way about life since that time. Now he cherishes it and loves life. But it still hurts so much and I am so scared that something is going to happen. If anything happened to him or anyone i know at this time i know it would destroy me

Thanks for reading

smallwolf · ‎30-04-2019

Hi Cordelia101,

welcome to beyond blue.

The impact that suicide or suicide attempts, or even thinking about the suicide can have an effect on the family and friends can be large, and probably unique for each person in their reaction.

I friends in all those groups. While some people might show signs, there are other people who do not. My own father is in the 3rd group. Well, there was a point in time when he wished he was not alive for various reasons. He told me this when we went for a walk. The same day he had an appointment with the GP. I don't know why, but he relayed this feeling to his doctor as well. I know this because a conversation that mum, dad and I had later in the day, mum said she had no idea that he was feeling that low. Some people do well at masking how they feel. Please don't beat yourself up for not recognising your friends thoughts.

On the flip side, there is only so much you can do for the other person. And that can be hard to process or come to terms with. (I could give an example with another story here but I won't.)

Then there is also yourself having to look after yourself as well. If you are concerned about how you are feeling, there would be nothing wrong with chatting with your GP or counsellor (or similar) to talk through these matters.

Peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim