The loss of my Dad

[Mia_Frank]

Hey everyone, I lost my father this last weekend after a 3 year battle with cancer. I am struggling a lot, I loved him dearly and he was such an important person in my life. My younger brother is struggling even more than I am, he doesn’t have the support network that I do and is not open to receiving any help from me in this regard. He has threatened suicide just yesterday (not the first time) and I’m so lost as to how to help him and myself. Please can someone give me some advice or even just .. anything that may help

[uncut_gems]

Mia,

Let my start by saying that I am so sorry for your loss. The fact that it may not have been sudden or unexpected does not make it any easier, and in fact can be even harder to come to terms with. Just the fact that you know how your brother is doing and that he's talking to you, even to communicate something so distressing, means you are in a great position to help see yourself and your family through this.

You mentioned a support network– what does that look like for you? Are you geographically close to your brother, anyone else in your family? One simple thing you can do in addition to simply letting him know you are there for him is to do your best to make sure that the posthumous arrangements (ceremony, funeral, wake, etc.) do not fall just to you or him. Sometimes the grief of loss can be compounded by the dizzying number of administrative things to do immediately after that feel totally banal and at odds with the powerful emotions stirring in you.

Do your best to alleviate this stress by not being afraid to lean on friends and family for support so that you and your brother can take the time you need to process this. I imagine many other people in this forum have lost a father or a relative to cancer, if you would like to talk to someone with similar experience. There are also of course in-person support groups that you could attend with your brother if you feel comfortable just to take some of this terrible weight off your shoulders.

I'm a very analytical person but I sometimes find that when something so terrible or painful happens that it defies thinking about or reasoning with, I turn to art (listening to music especially) to articulate what words can't. Sometimes just listening to someone express what you're feeling musically can resonate with you powerfully in a way that doesn't require an answer or need to make sense, but will just give you permission to feel deeply.

I wish you and your brother the best and am keeping both of you in my thoughts.

Warmly,

Gems

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Mia,

I am deeply sorry for you loss. I know that the grief, heartbreak and devastation of it all must be so intense, especially as it’s all still very raw.

I know it’s painful and worrying to watch your brother struggle with his emotions. It‘a hard when loved ones won’t let you in...I think he’s lucky to have someone like you who cares so much about him though...

I think Gem has written a very thoughtful and considered response, and I think there are some good suggestions there. Perhaps you might like to consider some of those ideas?

The thing is, I feel grief is tricky. I don’t believe there is a strict guide, so to speak, for how to navigate it...

I will say this though; I think it has to suit you personally. You can have two people who both lose a loved one, for example, but how they address and cope with their grief might be vastly different...

I agree with Gem about letting your brother know you are there for him, and maybe I would suggest trying to help in practical ways (if you’re feeling up to it).

It’s just that I believe sometimes people who struggle to express and share their emotions might respond better to subtle, practical support and spending time together.

Examples could be dropping off meals at his house (you could say something like “oh, I made extra food and thought it would be nice to share it with you” or “I bought extra takeaway and thought to drop off some for you”, asking if he wants to complete an activity together (e.g. watch a movie), etc.

I do admittedly worry about his threats though...

I would gently suggest maybe giving the beyondblue helpline a call on 1300 22 4636 to discuss how you’re feeling with their phone counsellors, and to ask for advice on how to support your brother (and also protect your own mental health) when it comes to his threats...

He may or may not respond well to a conversation, but I think generally when people openly make threats like that, there is a part of them that is actually crying for help & wanting to talk about how badly they are struggling...but again, I would suggest seeking advice first, such as, from the beyondblue helpline.

That said, I would also encourage you to keep the following in mind when supporting him: I believe we can only try our best to to support loved ones (given our own mental health, boundaries and limitations), but that we aren’t “responsible” for them if that makes any sense...

Again, I’m deeply sorry for your loss...

Thinking of you...

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[Mia_Frank]

I thank you so much for this reply.. both of my brothers and mother live a good 5 hour drive away but I keep in very regular contact. I have still taken your advice of offering help and support in other areas of his life for example helping him get a passport and organising a trip up to stay with me for a while. It’s still very raw but my family are banding together to help one another and it’s making the world of difference.

My support network is a long term GP who I see regularly and a clinical psychologist who both agree with a lot of what you have said. I am looking after me and doing my best to just be a good big sister. I will chose very carefully the time I bring up getting help for the brother who has suicidal tendencies.

again I appreciate your support so much, thank you

[Mia_Frank]

Pepper, thank you for your comments they have truly helped me. I am doing what I can from afar for both brothers and my mother. We have overcome the hard part of his ceremony which was so simple and intimate and had a lot of healing for everyone.

i am now struggling with the “getting on with life” part of grief which is definitely harder than I thought. I work and study so I’m finding it hard to complete daily tasks in those things but I am finding a peacefulness in their routine.

i really truly appreciate your kind words. Thank you so much