Sudden passing of my mum who was my best friend.

[Mumma2017]

Hello,

It’s a long story so I will try and keep it brief.

Two months ago my mum passed away suddenly. She went to hospital and had tests performed, the next day she was diagnosed with incurable cancer which had spread literally everywhere in her body, that night she went unconscious on life support, machine was turned off the next day and she died. She was 65. It all happen so fast and there was no time to accept or process what had happen during that week.

That week we found out that she was keeping her symptoms from all of us. This doesn’t seem possible but surprisingly she was able to keep this secret until the day before she died. She would avoid doctors, tests, hospitals or any health interventions for as long as I remember, we could not even speak to her about her health or even if she had a sore arm. Suprisingly she looked well and still walking around a month before she passed, She deteriorated approx 1-2 weeks before passing but refused medical help and would not allow the ambulance to come get her, until the day she couldn’t breath properly (which was the day she went to the hospital before getting diagnosed).

she still didn’t want to talk to anyone about it in hospital and didn’t want to think about it. We never got any closure or any questions answered on why she ignored her symptoms and hid it from all of us. We have an idea on why but my mum is the only person who can really confirm.

I never got to say good bye to her or comfort her during this time, by the time I flew to where she was she was unconscious on life support. We don’t live in the same state. Last time I seen her was 5 months before she died but we spoke a few times a week and texted most days. Seeing my mum pass away and the viewing did not feel real and it still doesn’t. But what does feel real is that she’s definitely gone, and I miss her so much.

has anyone ever been in a similar situation to this or know anyone who has?

grieving is the worst feeling i have ever experienced and it’s a every day constant feeling of emptiness. Not only am I sad that I won’t see my mum again, I’m also thinking about what she went through alone, and many unanswered questions. I still continue to go to work, train at the gym, catch up with friends and family, as I don’t want to end up having depression. Mornings are the hardest but as the day goes by it gets easier.

hope to hear from someone.

thanks.

[Lily78]

Hello

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent (or anyone for that matter) is a really tough experience and I feel for you and I do know how it feels to lose someone you love so much.

I lost my mum in 2004. It was cancer and we only had three months to prepare for this. The pain you would be feeling would still be quite raw. It never goes away completely, but it does get easier in time.

I will keep this message brief however I would like to talk more if and when you feel like it.

Take care

[geoff]

Hello Mumma, please accept my most sincere condolences, and I realise it's been two months, but sometimes this makes it even more difficult as the reality begins to dig in even more so.

I'm sorry that you were not told about your mum's illness, it might have been her way of trying to protect you, but this satisfies only your mother, but not yourself, because you only wanted to help her as much as you could, telling her how much you loved her, so it's very sad that this could not happen.

To be able to ask her doctor questions when you don't understand would be important but can I say that there is no condition on time before you want to begin your therapy, and sometimes the longer you leave it the worse you may become.

So please seek some counselling by contacting your doctor.

My thoughts are with you.

Geoff.

[Birdy77]

Dear Mumma2017,

I am so sorry for your huge loss and your deep sadness.

Having everything happen so suddenly with your Mum would make her loss even harder to come to terms with, as you had no time to prepare for what may happen.

I wanted to reach out to you as you asked had anyone experienced anything similar and I have.

My brother passed away earlier this year. He didn't feel too well for a week or so, and then started to feel really crook to the point where he actually took himself to hospital (like you were saying about your Mum, he would never go to the Dr or get a check up for anything at all).

They ran some tests and pretty much said he had cancer throughout his entire body and scheduled treatment to start a few days later, but he passed away before they could start it. He was 43.

It all happened so quickly and it was such an incredible shock, but he possibly had symptoms that he didn't tell anyone about until it got really bad.

So I can really relate to your feelings of not having closure and so many unanswered questions. No time to prepare for such a final outcome.

Coming up to this time of year might be extra hard for you as well, I know it is for me ... I hope you will keep reaching out here for support from people who understand.

Take good and gentle care of yourself.

🌻birdy

[White_Rose]

Dear Mumma

I am so sorry that your mom passed away in this fashion. I can tell you are grieving so much and also very confused about why. My mom died suddenly although she was older than my mom. Mom went to a pensioners Christmas party and slipped over when leaving. No real damage but she was taken to the local cottage hospital and admitted. She was 90. The system at the hospital for medical treatment was to have local GPs attend on various days. In this instance she was given pain relief. Other doctors saw her and added their meds to the list. No one cancelled any medication prescribed by other doctors. The inquest really went to town on the system and the medication which was deemed unsuitable for elderly people.

All this happened within the space of a week or so. Unfortunately mom lived in England and I am in Oz. No time to get back to see her. As you can imagine I was as devastated as you about your mom.

She died on Christmas day which makes this time of the year a bit hard. It's been many years (1999) but I still miss her. I know, as I'm sure you know, that parents usually pass away before their children. Doesn't make it easier especially when things happen so fast. I spent the next six months when I got home from work crying. Even at work I had my moments and slipped away to the bathroom.

I did go to the funeral as the funeral was held later than usual because of the public holidays . My daughters came with me as they had stayed with their grandma several times when they were in England. It took me a long time to accept what had happened and longer not to feel so bereft. Moms are special people.

It will take time for the first raw grief to pass. I am sorry to say this but there is no quick way to get through grief. I have found getting the family get together to talk about mom helps the grief. It will be a bit difficult if you live in a different state but maybe you think it worthwhile.

Make a specific occasion when everyone brings photos and other items relating to mom. Share these things, talk about how she made you happy, the minor disasters which have become part of family legend. We cannot simply have someone go out of our lives in that way without acknowledging that person. You may want to plant a tree in her name, either where you live now or somewhere else where you will see it often. You can cry and laugh together and that helps the healing.

I hope that helps. Please keep writing.

Mary

[shesawallflower]

I cried reading this because I relate to it so well. I am sorry for your loss. Nothing hurts like a child losing their mother.

My mum died suddenly in November 2017. My brother and I found her unconcious on the couch where she had a massive stroke. She was then taken to hospital where she was put on life support for us (my brother, dad and I) to turn it off. Its been a year and a half and I think about her every single day. I cry most nights when I go to sleep. It feels like forever since Ive seen her, I didnt get a chance to say goodbye. Theres so many things I wish I could tell her. Most days im pretty good but the others, im so heart broken and angry. I think the key, is to keep your self occupied and have as much fun as you can! Do things that make you smile, laugh and get your heart racing. Keep photos of your mum and look at them and embrace them and remember she loved you.

I hope youre doing ok 🙂

[White_Rose]

Hello Mumma2017

It's been a while since you posted and I am wondering how you are getting on. I hope your grief is beginning to get a little less intense and allow you some respite. It can be good to write in here again and talk about your mom and how you are managing.

Mary

[white knight]

Hi Mumma

I am sorry for your loss. I thought I'd re-write one of my poems just for you.

Stay strong and cherish your memories.

MUM's FRIENDSHIP

Your mum knew you tried to follow

where ever she went in her footsteps

through your girlish little curls

she was the best part of your world

And on a few days spare

you be her shadow for the day to care

girl behind her mum so tall

she didn't mind didnt mind at all

Than as her life cut so fast and short

you wish to follow as your last resort

No wonder she used a broom to sweep

to hide her footstep stenciled feet

But now and then you see a print

Where she's been in the misty tint

Like a warm outline of a sole

you place your foot inside the hole

Sadness follows in your inept

its just something you must accept

but you'll be eager for the day your feet will greet

you loving mums footstep stenciled feet....

TonyWK

[NewSeamsNewDreams]

Hi Mumma, i am very sorry to hear that happen to you and you have my condolences. Please don't feel guilty, it's not your fault. And nobody is to blame. I can relate to this situation wholeheartedly. I lost my mum to cancer when i was 16. It was a seven year uphill battle that we just couldn't win. I was so close to her because my dad would be away working. It sucks because i was the biggest mumma's boy you'd probably ever meet. I can understand what’s it like to lose your best friend, and i know it must be hard for you. It will be hard for a very long time, and there will be days where you just feel like everything is against you. But believe me it does get better. Grief will never go away we just learn to tolerate it over time. Just know that she loves you, and she'll never stop loving you. And she will always be with you day in day out.

Keep your head held high 🙂

New Seams New Dreams

[quirkywords]

New seams new dreams,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for using your first post to share your story and help others.

I agree with your words

"Grief will never go away we just learn to tolerate it over time. "

My mother died nearly 20 years ago and my father died nearly 12 years ago and I feel some grief at times and miss them most days. If you can recall some of the sayings of your mum or things she did or little memories write them down. It is lovely in later years to look back fondly on the words.

Quirky

Mumma, I hope the supportive replies are helping you in some way.