Hi, Beyond Blue. I am an extremely smart and popular student from a great middle class family.
I am, also, an emotionally unstable bisexual alcoholic (or close to becoming one), who can not miss a chance to take something stronger than liqour to kill the pain and void, which I often feel since I was 13, or to make my anomalously high level of unreasonable happiness even higher.
Around two weeks ago, while experiencing that "anomalously high level of unreasonable happiness", I learned that my... friend... commited suicide. We did not talk for over than a year, because of some argument. And, actually, she was probably the person to which my feelings were closest to "love".
At first couple of days these news went pretty unnoticed to me. It did not matter much to me, as I was completing each of my difficult assignemnts, which usually take me ages to finish, in less than 3 hours, partying, having great time with my lover. Then, however, the realisation have started coming down on me. Instead of the study, that I planned for one evening, I broke up with my lover over the phone, went to the club, danced, drank excessive amounts of alcohol, had sex with another guy, who I knew just for 15 minutes. In another couple of days as my maniacal happiness was continuing I was continuing to party, consume drugs and engaging in risky behavior, still trying to hide those news.
As that time, as everythig good, came to an end, and I returned to having a normal, but slow, life. Still, however, I was trying not to think about what two days ago dropped me into this void of drunken misery.
I regret so much. I regret that we were not together this year and last. Hell, I don't know what to do, and even my abuse of alcohol doesn't get me out of this mess for even, at least, a couple of hours.
