Pain of loss

[ktac1689]

 My beautiful boy is gone. Only 25 years old. The pain is immense, bottomless and all I can think is why? Why did he do this? Why didn’t he reach out? Did I fail him as a mother? How do I go on? It all seems pointless right now. 

He was living in another state so I am making arrangements from here and preparing to go there and pack up his life. I still can’t believe it, that he would leave like that. I wish I could have helped him and lessened his pain. 
 

I have support which has helped a lot. My sister especially and my two other children. We are all trying to support each other and navigate this new world. My Aunty though, when I asked for help moving my son’s furniture, misinterpreted and thought I was expecting her to arrange his service and harshly told me that “I know you are experiencing a huge loss but this is all your job as a mother”…. Yeah don’t I know it. I had already arranged his service at that point by the way. I don’t expect anyone to do anything for me and never really have. 
 

I know we are not the first and I won’t be the last to suffer a loss of this magnitude but right now it feels that way. I wish he was still here. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear ktac1689

We are truly sorry to hear about your loss. We can appreciate how hard this must be to express what you’re feeling at the moment, but please know you’ve taken a really brave and commendable step in sharing here.

Losing a child is an unimaginable pain, and we can’t even begin to understand what you’re going through.

Please know that you’re not alone. We’re reaching out to you privately to check you’re ok. In the meantime, please know that we are here for you and we’d really encourage you to give our counsellors a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636, and the team are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support. 

We hope you can find some comfort and understanding on the forums, where other community members might be able to relate to what you’re going through and provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need, so hopefully we’ll hear from them soon.

Kind regards,
Sophie M
 
 

[ktac1689]

Thank you. I appreciate your support. I will take a look at the resources suggested also as well as the forums here. 

I really thought my son was doing better the last couple of years although he struggled with his move to another city (within his new state) about 6 months ago and his cat passing about 3 weeks ago. I checked in with him often as did my Aunty who lives nearby. I was looking out for signs he was feeling suicidal as he has attempted in the past (a few years back now) and checked in with him regularly about how he was feeling. I feel like I have failed him as a mother and couldn’t do the basic duty of keeping him safe. 

I know it is not simple, I have had my own battles with depression and suicidality and SO not wanting to be around and how successfully people can hide their feelings.

I worked so hard to get to a better place and hoped that seeing my hard work and getting (finally) to a better place would help him to reach out if he needed to. Hoped so much for that. 

I know coming to terms with this will take time but right now I am not sure I really want to. I feel like the family in the movie Poltergeist when they were struggling to get out of house and the coffins kept rising up in their way and stopping them. Macabre I know but it fits. 

Right now I am focusing on going interstate and packing up my son’s life. And trying to be supportive to my other two children who are also struggling. 

Someone recently told me that my son will come to me in dreams, I hope so. I would much prefer to have him here though.