Open the floodgates

[Sydsmurf]

Hi, I am new to this and I am not sure …why…I am even here…I guess I am sad and finding hard to bring my inner happiness back.

so many things have happened in my life…things that I am not ready to write about as I am afraid to open the floodgates…I am afraid that underneath all this, I am broken. Within this statement”I am broken” is a key…and I am holding it very tight.

There is two of me…the happy go lucky person..that special friend that is always happy to listen to you and encourages you to move forward…and the other…Now , I am not sure exactly when this inner split happened but I think it was when my dad past away on my birthday…my birth family is overseas and I was dealing with a serious health issue around the same time that my dad died.

I made choices and decisions …were later in life I had to forgive myself for making those choices or else I would have broken a lot earlier.

my long term relationship went through ups and downs and rocky roads but also very happy and fulfilling moments but this is not about my relationship with my partner …this is about the relationship with myself!

today, I find myself crying about anything ..a sad song…a commercial on TV a fleeting comment made..but this sadness is deep and in no way related to any of the above mentioned stimuli.

the confusion starts ..right after the sadness just disappears and I am back to being (normal) I hate using this word but I am sure you will understand what I mean.

My mom past 4 years ago now as well , of cancer…my parter and I left Australia together to spend some time with my mom before she died. 
While we were overseas my partner who didn’t speak the language became very depressed and begged me to let him go back home ….of course I let him go but I couldn’t go with him..I needed to be at home with my mom. This was one of the hardest things I had to go through ..letting to of my partner and preparing to let go of my mom!

to make a long story a little shorter…after a year of separation my partner returned and he supported me on my journey with my dying mother. After my mom left us , we decided to go back home to Australia.

I was 49 years old at at time and I was worried about starting over for the third time in Australia. ageism..is a thing…in the job market.

To make matters worse , covid just hit Australia and I got caught in the lockdown.

Ever since I have been trying to find a new job, I even went back to TAFE and completed my diploma, thinking it will help me find a job. 
I am 53 now..

[indigo22]

Hi Sydsmurf,

Welcome and thank you for having the courage to reach out, I am sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time at the moment. Firstly, I want to let you know that this is probably not the best place for your post as it may not be found by many members. I am reporting your post to the moderators to see if they can move it to a more appropriate part of the forums so it will be seen more easily. I simply want you to be able to get the most out of using the forums and it is a large community with many who are able to relate to areas of your post. We are here to support you.

Take care,

indigo22

[GraceQ]

Hi SydSmurf

I can relate to the feelings you experience, the overwhelmingness of them, and the confusion.  I'm not grieving anyone's death, I'm grieving the life I wanted to live and didn't.  I'm 50, I had a traumatic childhood and dreamed of so much more for myself.  Instead I ended up... here.  I am grieving all the hopes and dreams I had.  I found a little bit of comfort in your words, in being able to identify.  Your post helps me feel a teeny bit less alone.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Sydsmurf

After keeping my emotions tightly in check, not even thinking I had such emotions, they found a way ou, & then kept coming. After a few months of that I realised I needed help to deal with what I was experiencing, or (as I felt), things were going to get really bad.

Getting help was the best thing I have ever done for myself, for my life.

Such deep emotions will find a way out, & sometimes it's not a healthy way. As humans we simply need to express our emotions. When the deep emotions began emerging from me, it was scary. I feared them & what feeling so strongly might have me doing to express the feelings.

However, I found writing, singing & painting helpful - instead of other unhealthy options. Other people find more physical activities like gardening, exercise or sport for example, to help release the pent-up energy having emotions brings.

I think, in terms of grieving for your father & mother, making & doing something meaningful to memorialise & celebrate them. You may well cry with the sadness & loss of them in your life, for not having them around to help & support you when you need & that's okay. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel.

That's something I have also learned - to stop (whenever I can) judging my feelings & to accept them, rather than to try to continue to deny them as I'd done for some 35 years of my life. (I'm 63, soon to be 64, so yeah, almost half my life).

Might I suggest, looking into 'Caring for myself and others' & 'Staying well', for lots of suggestions from other people about how they manage their emotions & how to care for yourself.

Hugzies

mmMekitty